fleshncolor
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2003
- Posts
- 406
and commit incect genocide.
A True Story...no shit...me and My fight with the "chirphound gang" one morning....enjoy...
As I was wrapping up my day sitting in front of the computer this yesterday
around 2 am (you know the time of the morning when you think,
"ok if I go to bed by...then ill get this many hours of sleep...") dreading my 7 am
wake up call I feel myself start to doze off.
Naturally I wouldn't allow myself to go to bed there was far too much to do,
like re visiting all my favorite pages as if they would have changed or been
updated within the last two minutes of being viewed. Important **** I tell ya'.
During this time, now pushing 3 am, I have heard this cricket chirping in the
background, but as we humans go, we never let something like that bother us
while we are awake and trying to NOT go to sleep, so I paid it no more attention
than most anyone would Jesse Jackson giving marriage counseling to well, anyone.
So as 3:30 am came around, "Self", that's what I go by back home is "Self".
Well "Self" who had been asleep a while now grunted awake and thumped the
back of my head and said, "Dewayne, get your ass to bed, you only have 3.5 hrs
till 7am when you got to get up and go to class" Well after whining and
procrastinating long enough, I finally let "Self" talk me into getting some sleep.
At this point I didn't notice the cricket chirping at all, because, well as most
walking comas go, the outside world around them fail to respond to much, if any, stimuli.
So I crash in this big freakin' recliner I call a bed and I am gone. However, I
have come to learn that when you finally get the sleep you need, the things in
the environment around you become more clear because your brain is, whether
you know it or not, "waking up so to speak".
So naturally that freakin' cricket that I couldn't hear as I went to bed, became as
loud as a Persian cat being ass raped by a heard of elephants.
A good example of this would be, the alarm you can't seem to shut off in the
morning. Its loud as hell, you cant wake up fully enough to cut it off and it
usually becomes part of the dream you're having.
So in my dream I go from one state to another, which involves searching for the source of this noise.
This is the point in the morning where I firmly believe that "snap" happened.
Without warning, both eyes flew open. I already knew what was going on.
"Self" who wasn't as dead as I was during the initial bed time had been listening
to that little bastard for the whole one hours I had been somewhat asleep. If
one des their math correct you now realize it is now 430 am, and 7am is steadily creeping towards me.
This creepy little chirp is Constant and loud like the crying infant some
shameless bitch drags with her to the movie theater, it crawls into my ears and
runs down my spine and dares me to do something.
Well you know me. I'm bad enough as it is, but "Self" was pissed now.
Both eyes open, I fly up out of my recliner and proceed outside.
This is where the audience would start enjoying the popcorn.
As if I was Chevy Chase in a National Lampoon Movie I storm outside to the
porch, grab the two closest cans of chemical warfare I can find and proceed to
the "tropical habitat" that has been engineered around my window for some time.
Armed with a Can of "Off" and "Raid Wasp and Hornet Spray" I proceed
around the house to kill anything that even looks as if it wants to rub its legs
together to "get a booty call".
But of course its 5 am now, no sun, and my eyes aren't Really open, so Like a
Blind man defending his home, I start shooting the Raid in the direction of the sounds.
Now between you, the wall, and me we both know that little sum-bitch wasn't
where the stream of the Raid could penetrate, but I know something out there
got dead. Raid wasp and hornet spray is like liquid Napalm. I carpet bombed
those bushes with that stuff till the can coughed a low..."I've given it all she's
got captain, I just cant do it no more." and hissed a Final mist of chemical death
into the air, which, by the way drifted back into my face. That may explain phase 2 and three.
So what's a man to do?
"Off"
It won't kill it but maybe, just maybe I can "repel" it somewhere else to try to get some ass.
So another can of ozone depleting death juice was blindly sprayed into the night.
What's this? Silence? Had the bastard finally given in???
Yeah Baby!!....
To the bat cave...
Out of breath, smelling of off and toes frozen from standing in wet grass at 5
am, I fall back into my recliner. Ahhh...silence is a wonderful thing....
"Chirp, Chirp, Chirp" "Chirp, Chirp, Chirp"
"Chirp, Chirp, Chirp ya' bastard" came racing through the wall again.
Oh, I wish "self" had not have heard that because self doesn't make to many
wise decisions when he's mad. So here I go again, outside into the darkness, this
time armed with a Garden hose. Proving that it takes a college degree to show
how stupid one is, I think, well maybe if I wet him he can't chirp.
Oh the floods that Noah and the Ark survived had nothing on the rainstorm I
brought down into this garden oasis. Enough to make the great Mississippi and
the mighty Euphrates look in awe.
Still asleep, I'm thinking that this isn't enough water, the sprayer head needs to
come off so I can make bigger drops of water come out. So have wittedly and
asleep, I remove the sprayer head...
5 minutes later and drenched with water from head to toe, because any person
with one working brain cell knows you cut the water off first before you remove
the end, I'm awake, 100% and so pissed that even Satan himself said
"dayum...you needs to chill...".
Funny thing about being awake, you think more clearly.
So calmly, but pissed I walk into the shop, and grab a Bug bomb, not the liquid
kind, but the kind that smokes.
Placed it where the breeze would carry it where I wanted.
By this time there were about 6 crickets chirping and one Mother worried that
she may have to call someone.
I calmly "pulled the pin", walked inside changed clothes and got in my recliner.
It is now 6 am and I have made the decision that the two Friday am classes I
was going to.... you bright one picked up on the "was" so no need for further explanation.
Now I listen with a smile to the chirping because I know its not chirping I am
hearing, but screams. It is the Screams of the fallen soldier who feels his heart
about to explode as the serum gas eats his skin off. The screams of people in the
streets and the Missile targets their town; it is the screams of those who know
they have been defeated.
One by one they slowly stop and it becomes silent.
My eyes become heavier and I fall off into the deepest sleep I have ever had.
No chirping tonight.
D
A True Story...no shit...me and My fight with the "chirphound gang" one morning....enjoy...
As I was wrapping up my day sitting in front of the computer this yesterday
around 2 am (you know the time of the morning when you think,
"ok if I go to bed by...then ill get this many hours of sleep...") dreading my 7 am
wake up call I feel myself start to doze off.
Naturally I wouldn't allow myself to go to bed there was far too much to do,
like re visiting all my favorite pages as if they would have changed or been
updated within the last two minutes of being viewed. Important **** I tell ya'.
During this time, now pushing 3 am, I have heard this cricket chirping in the
background, but as we humans go, we never let something like that bother us
while we are awake and trying to NOT go to sleep, so I paid it no more attention
than most anyone would Jesse Jackson giving marriage counseling to well, anyone.
So as 3:30 am came around, "Self", that's what I go by back home is "Self".
Well "Self" who had been asleep a while now grunted awake and thumped the
back of my head and said, "Dewayne, get your ass to bed, you only have 3.5 hrs
till 7am when you got to get up and go to class" Well after whining and
procrastinating long enough, I finally let "Self" talk me into getting some sleep.
At this point I didn't notice the cricket chirping at all, because, well as most
walking comas go, the outside world around them fail to respond to much, if any, stimuli.
So I crash in this big freakin' recliner I call a bed and I am gone. However, I
have come to learn that when you finally get the sleep you need, the things in
the environment around you become more clear because your brain is, whether
you know it or not, "waking up so to speak".
So naturally that freakin' cricket that I couldn't hear as I went to bed, became as
loud as a Persian cat being ass raped by a heard of elephants.
A good example of this would be, the alarm you can't seem to shut off in the
morning. Its loud as hell, you cant wake up fully enough to cut it off and it
usually becomes part of the dream you're having.
So in my dream I go from one state to another, which involves searching for the source of this noise.
This is the point in the morning where I firmly believe that "snap" happened.
Without warning, both eyes flew open. I already knew what was going on.
"Self" who wasn't as dead as I was during the initial bed time had been listening
to that little bastard for the whole one hours I had been somewhat asleep. If
one des their math correct you now realize it is now 430 am, and 7am is steadily creeping towards me.
This creepy little chirp is Constant and loud like the crying infant some
shameless bitch drags with her to the movie theater, it crawls into my ears and
runs down my spine and dares me to do something.
Well you know me. I'm bad enough as it is, but "Self" was pissed now.
Both eyes open, I fly up out of my recliner and proceed outside.
This is where the audience would start enjoying the popcorn.
As if I was Chevy Chase in a National Lampoon Movie I storm outside to the
porch, grab the two closest cans of chemical warfare I can find and proceed to
the "tropical habitat" that has been engineered around my window for some time.
Armed with a Can of "Off" and "Raid Wasp and Hornet Spray" I proceed
around the house to kill anything that even looks as if it wants to rub its legs
together to "get a booty call".
But of course its 5 am now, no sun, and my eyes aren't Really open, so Like a
Blind man defending his home, I start shooting the Raid in the direction of the sounds.
Now between you, the wall, and me we both know that little sum-bitch wasn't
where the stream of the Raid could penetrate, but I know something out there
got dead. Raid wasp and hornet spray is like liquid Napalm. I carpet bombed
those bushes with that stuff till the can coughed a low..."I've given it all she's
got captain, I just cant do it no more." and hissed a Final mist of chemical death
into the air, which, by the way drifted back into my face. That may explain phase 2 and three.
So what's a man to do?
"Off"
It won't kill it but maybe, just maybe I can "repel" it somewhere else to try to get some ass.
So another can of ozone depleting death juice was blindly sprayed into the night.
What's this? Silence? Had the bastard finally given in???
Yeah Baby!!....
To the bat cave...
Out of breath, smelling of off and toes frozen from standing in wet grass at 5
am, I fall back into my recliner. Ahhh...silence is a wonderful thing....
"Chirp, Chirp, Chirp" "Chirp, Chirp, Chirp"
"Chirp, Chirp, Chirp ya' bastard" came racing through the wall again.
Oh, I wish "self" had not have heard that because self doesn't make to many
wise decisions when he's mad. So here I go again, outside into the darkness, this
time armed with a Garden hose. Proving that it takes a college degree to show
how stupid one is, I think, well maybe if I wet him he can't chirp.
Oh the floods that Noah and the Ark survived had nothing on the rainstorm I
brought down into this garden oasis. Enough to make the great Mississippi and
the mighty Euphrates look in awe.
Still asleep, I'm thinking that this isn't enough water, the sprayer head needs to
come off so I can make bigger drops of water come out. So have wittedly and
asleep, I remove the sprayer head...
5 minutes later and drenched with water from head to toe, because any person
with one working brain cell knows you cut the water off first before you remove
the end, I'm awake, 100% and so pissed that even Satan himself said
"dayum...you needs to chill...".
Funny thing about being awake, you think more clearly.
So calmly, but pissed I walk into the shop, and grab a Bug bomb, not the liquid
kind, but the kind that smokes.
Placed it where the breeze would carry it where I wanted.
By this time there were about 6 crickets chirping and one Mother worried that
she may have to call someone.
I calmly "pulled the pin", walked inside changed clothes and got in my recliner.
It is now 6 am and I have made the decision that the two Friday am classes I
was going to.... you bright one picked up on the "was" so no need for further explanation.
Now I listen with a smile to the chirping because I know its not chirping I am
hearing, but screams. It is the Screams of the fallen soldier who feels his heart
about to explode as the serum gas eats his skin off. The screams of people in the
streets and the Missile targets their town; it is the screams of those who know
they have been defeated.
One by one they slowly stop and it becomes silent.
My eyes become heavier and I fall off into the deepest sleep I have ever had.
No chirping tonight.
D
