How not to be stalked....

[Missingmeds]

A brief few words on a situation that come up recently with a friend of mine, ( no, this person doesn't post on Lit).

A friend recently had her personal security and safety threatened by an online stalker that took it to real life. She called the police, the reports were made, but they really don't have a clue as to who it is and here is why.

She posted on a message board, on a fairly big site. It isn't a porn site like Lit but more family based. She asked me to go and look at her posts and see if I could recognize why someone would do this to her. Here is what I found.

She mentioned her ex-husband by name several times. She had an online journal, and linked that to each of her posts. She had a link to a page that gave her email address in her sig line.

She posted alot of personal information, without it being directly posted but anyone older than 10 could have figured it out.

When I questioned her about pm's and ims she also told me that she had sent several of the men that contacted her pictures and her unlisted number. What she didn't realize is that while the number is unlisted, by doing a reverse search, we came up with her address, and a map to her house.

This person that is "stalking" her, took the info that she had posted and her husband's name which she had posted, and found her ex husband. From what I gathered, her ex husband gave the guy an earful because she has been pissy about his visitation rights.

So I am asking how do you avoid a situation like this?

 

[cloudy]

A brief few words on a situation that come up recently with a friend of mine, ( no, this person doesn't post on Lit).

A friend recently had her personal security and safety threatened by an online stalker that took it to real life. She called the police, the reports were made, but they really don't have a clue as to who it is and here is why.

She posted on a message board, on a fairly big site. It isn't a porn site like Lit but more family based. She asked me to go and look at her posts and see if I could recognize why someone would do this to her. Here is what I found.

She mentioned her ex-husband by name several times. She had an online journal, and linked that to each of her posts. She had a link to a page that gave her email address in her sig line.

She posted alot of personal information, without it being directly posted but anyone older than 10 could have figured it out.

When I questioned her about pm's and ims she also told me that she had sent several of the men that contacted her pictures and her unlisted number. What she didn't realize is that while the number is unlisted, by doing a reverse search, we came up with her address, and a map to her house.

This person that is "stalking" her, took the info that she had posted and her husband's name which she had posted, and found her ex husband. From what I gathered, her ex husband gave the guy an earful because she has been pissy about his visitation rights.

So I am asking how do you avoid a situation like this?

Stalking can be extremely dangerous, but.....

She tells them her ex-husband's name, sends pictures, and her PHONE NUMBER???? Well, duh.....

 

[Missingmeds]

I should clarify that, she actually only mentioned him by first name. Whoever this person is put two and two together apparently and come up with the information.

She sent pictures to several men that she posted with regularly after they had done the im and phone thing. She says that she did all she could to check them out first.

 

[SweetErika]

The phone number seems to be the key here, but divulging too much personal information like a specific city, job, activities, and names is dangerous too. If someone who's devious has enough of the pieces to the puzzle of your identity, they'll find you.

Also, what was the subject matter of her IM and phone conversations? I'd think if you appear to be vulnerable (single, etc.) or are conversing about sex and love in a certain way, you'd be much more likely to attract a stalker.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

bummer

 

[SXCRgirl]

I don't know if your friend warranted the attention, but that's scary as hell.

It's happened to me. I never posted any personal information such as address, phone number or a link to my online journal. I did however share stuff about myself, like I do here. I am very active in boards that mostly males visit due to the fact that it's a male dominated sport. I guess being a woman and knowledgeable about the sport is attractive to those men.

This guy started harrassing me, sending me emails, kept asking me what my AOL screenname was, blah blah blah. When confronted, all he said was, he wanted to be my "friend." He was asked several times to leave me alone, not only by my friends but by the moderator of the site as well. He didn't say threatening things to me so they couldn't really ban him or do anything about it.

I ignored him and treated him like a nuisance. I posted that I was going to join a group of friends at an event and he showed up there. I had my niece with me and he came up to me and talked to me. This guy seemed okay and I talked to him briefly not knowing who he was. After the event, I read on the boards that he had posted that it was very nice to meet me and that I was cool. It gave me the creeps. It was as if someone I didn't know walked into my room and touched my stuff!

What I did was stop posting there and changed my nick. Then now, I'm careful about what I post and stop sharing where I'm going to be. It has worked so far.

I think if someone wants to stalk you, there's not much you can do about it. You just have to be careful about what you share and what you post about yourself.

 

[Missingmeds]

The phone number seems to be the key here, but divulging too much personal information like a specific city, job, activities, and names is dangerous too. If someone who's devious has enough of the pieces to the puzzle of your identity, they'll find you.

Also, what was the subject matter of her IM and phone conversations? I'd think if you appear to be vulnerable (single, etc.) or are conversing about sex and love in a certain way, you'd be much more likely to attract a stalker.

I can only repeat what she told me. In two of the cases with the phone calls and ims, it was like she get so close to agreeing to meeting with them and then back off.

With one, there was a online fling that I don't think ever went real time, but I could be wrong about that. But there is also the possibility that fling is still going on. I agree with you SweetErika that she gave them alot of info and I don't think that she realized how much info she was giving out on the board.

 

[Weird Harold]

So I am asking how do you avoid a situation like this?

Unfortunately, the only way I know of to completely avoid this kind of situation is to never post anything on the internet or send an e-mail -- essentially, unplug the internet connection and go back to the 1970's when cyber-stalking didn't exist.

There are things that can be done to reduce the risk, starting with free anonymous e-mail services so youdon't need to give out your main, ISP related e-mail address and never giving out your phone number or other personal information.

Mostly, the defense is an awareness of the problem -- most people don't think about how much personal information they share in their posts or how simple it is to review the posting history to assemble the bits and pieces to make a complete picture.

Personally, I don't take a whole lot of precautions in this regard -- but I'm a male am not particularly threatened by potential stalkers. In fact, I'd be very easy to find just from my e-mail address and location because I'm listed in the phone book and my e-mail address contains my last name.

That doesn't mean I don't take some rudimentary precautions:

While I'm proud of my granddaughters, I have this little alarm that goes off whenever I start to type either's name -- Never use names! Assigen every person in your life a tag or nickname and Always use those nicknames online.

That applies to yourself too -- it's silly to create an alias/username and then sign every post with your real name.

Be very careful about mentioning where you live.

If you're the type to post a "going to the corner store, BRB" message, DO NOT name the store. Don't grumble about how you have to go three blocks to one <named> store and then back-track past your house to go five blocks to another <named> store to get everything on your shopping list.

If you're complaining about your neighbors, don't give a description of your house and neighborhood as a preface and don't describe your neighbor's house either.

In short, be aware that youcan be traced by what you post and THINK before you post.

 

[Mskey]

wow MM that's awful. I feel sorry for your friend, but she did give her stalker an awful lot of information to use.

I think Harold made alot of great points. I know there have been quite a few times I've violated the protocols he's spoken of and not even realized it. I've mentioned my kids names and where I live, little things like that. I guess I'm just lucky in that nobody has ever wanted to stalk me.

I wonder how celebrities deal with stuff like this every day?

 

[Missingmeds]

Harold did bring up alot of valid points. I know that I ripped her butt for it all.

I mean if I could do it with the limited amount of info that she gave, I can only imagine what must happen with celebrities. Just because they use a different name, doesn't mean that you can't find out things about them.

Sometimes I think that some people on here give out way to much personal info. That has been apparent in some cases.

 

[Weird Harold]

Sometimes I think that some people on here give out way to much personal info. That has been apparent in some cases.

Like I said, the first step is being aware that it's potential problem.

Places like Lit, where users feel comfortable with each other, tends to make people relax and share "intimate details" about their lives and families.

It's not uncommon for people to forget that this is a PUBLIC forum and people other than those you're corresponding with are reading your posts.

I've seen mor than one person ask, "how did youfind that out" and get the answer, You told XXX in a thread yesterday about it."

 

[judge not]

I wonder how celebrities deal with stuff like this every day?

The celebrity angle is easy:

A. Hire a proven bodyguard/security team.
B. Have all your mail/calls/etc. screened (unless from your closest and most trusted friends, who have already submitted to security clearance checks).
C. Hire a highly respected Public Relations firm.
D. Follow the directions of the people you hired.
E. Build a fucking big gate.
F. Let your publicist plant misleading information everywhere (perhaps the most important point?).

Finally:
G. Go about your life and don't worry about the stalkers.

It works for a few celebrities I've had the honour of knowing.

 

[Missingmeds]

Like I said, the first step is being aware that it's potential problem.

Places like Lit, where users feel comfortable with each other, tends to make people relax and share "intimate details" about their lives and families.

It's not uncommon for people to forget that this is a PUBLIC forum and people other than those you're corresponding with are reading your posts.

I've seen mor than one person ask, "how did youfind that out" and get the answer, You told XXX in a thread yesterday about it."

I think what scared me the most was that she sent pictures via email and instant messenger of herself. Along with her phone number which I easily tracked right to her door. Even if it is suppose to be unlisted.

Simply because you don't know who they might have given both the phone number and pictures to.

 

[Mskey]

I think if it were my friend I'd be worried for her too.
Wow...it's kinda creepy if you think about it to long.



The celebrity angle is easy:

A. Hire a proven bodyguard/security team.
B. Have all your mail/calls/etc. screened (unless from your closest and most trusted friends, who have already submitted to security clearance checks).
C. Hire a highly respected Public Relations firm.
D. Follow the directions of the people you hired.
E. Build a fucking big gate.
F. Let your publicist plant misleading information everywhere (perhaps the most important point?).


I don't know Judge not...that doesn't sound like much of a way to live to me. It's sad that it has to come to that for certain people who give themsleves to the public. I sure know I couldn't live like that.

 

[judge not]

I don't know Judge not...that doesn't sound like much of a way to live to me. It's sad that it has to come to that for certain people who give themsleves to the public. I sure know I couldn't live like that.

There are trade-offs to every kind of happiness. Some are able to create truly great lives in the public eye. I guess if you don't see it as much of a way to live, it is a good thing you aren't a celebrity.

 

[Missingmeds]

I think if it were my friend I'd be worried for her too.
Wow...it's kinda creepy if you think about it to long.



The celebrity angle is easy:

A. Hire a proven bodyguard/security team.
B. Have all your mail/calls/etc. screened (unless from your closest and most trusted friends, who have already submitted to security clearance checks).
C. Hire a highly respected Public Relations firm.
D. Follow the directions of the people you hired.
E. Build a fucking big gate.
F. Let your publicist plant misleading information everywhere (perhaps the most important point?).


I don't know Judge not...that doesn't sound like much of a way to live to me. It's sad that it has to come to that for certain people who give themsleves to the public. I sure know I couldn't live like that.

What it sounds like is very expensive to me when it all could have been avoided if they just didn't put so much info out there about themselves. Especially when people start asking questions and are given misleading info that can be proven wrong.

But then I don't like being a celebrity so I guess I would have to agree with you Mskey.

 

[Mskey]

There are trade-offs to every kind of happiness. Some are able to create truly great lives in the public eye. I guess if you don't see it as much of a way to live, it is a good thing you aren't a celebrity.

Now ain't that the truth! I couldn't handle crap like that for a second, always having to look over my shoulder, never knowing who was really my friend and who was just glomming onto my fame...shakes head no sir that is not the way I want to live my life, but sadly so many in the public eye these days do. I feel sorry for them. It's a shame to have your gift to the world so cheaply rewarded.

 

[judge not]

Now ain't that the truth! I couldn't handle crap like that for a second, always having to look over my shoulder, never knowing who was really my friend and who was just glomming onto my fame...shakes head no sir that is not the way I want to live my life, but sadly so many in the public eye these days do. I feel sorry for them. It's a shame to have your gift to the world so cheaply rewarded.

It seems to me that celebrities tend to know who their friends are, much better than most people do. They have to know who they can trust and who they cannot. It all comes with the territory and once a person gets used to it it becomes second nature. The problems do not really reach them because they have the things I mentioned in the above posting. That gives peace of mind. Those friends of mine in the public eye, for example, are quite happy.

What you consider "cheaply rewarded" might be a very joyful life for someone else. It's all in how you look at it.

 

[Mskey]

What you consider "cheaply rewarded" might be a very joyful life for someone else. It's all in how you look at it.

true enough...it's all about finding silver linings I guess.

 

[Missingmeds]

That and being a good liar I would think. I couldn't do that.

 

[judge not]

true enough...it's all about finding silver linings I guess.

I agree completely.

 

[Missingmeds]

But anyway back to the common folks that can't afford to do things like those. I plan on giving her a list of suggestions, so if anyone has anything else to add it would be appreciated.

 

[xDonkeyxPunchx]

Steps to keep from being stalked:

1. NEVER use real info to fill out registration form. EVER
this means, ur name is somthing like jon doe, u live at 123 fake street in fake city, fakestate usa
2. NEVER give out your real last name online. First names are alright, because honestly so many people could be named jared, steven, mike, stacie, rebecca, anything like that
3. NEVER give out your phone number to anyone online, ANYONE, unless you know them, or your meeting them, but be warned i still dont condone it. so a Cell Phone number is a must, much harder to track.
4. DONT EVER let someone try to 'buy' you a ticket to meet them, or give them your address at all
5. If somone makes comments to you in a way you dont want them to. get their IP, with that you can trace it to their host, and with that you can get their actual address to their home as well as their name, this is used though for mainly people that are being stalked and can prove it. (most internet companies wont willingly at all hand over customer information)
6. Be SMART, really, this is someone online, you have never meet before, can you really trust what they have to say, is this person reliable, is there anyone else from these forums that has meet them, or confirm at least that they are a nice guy. Could he be lying about his info, is he really the age he says (im not talking a year or two older/younger im talking about someone that claims to be 20 somthing, and is really fourty somthing cuz hes out for the 'hunt' and looking for a sweet innocent girl to get)

really though, its about common sense

 

[Mskey]

can she document the instances where this person has harrassed her? Perhaps documenting them and then taking them to the local authorities. If she's aware of who the stalker is she could take a restraining order out against them and maybe the threat of legal action would make this person back off. It's an idea anyway.

If she can't afford body gaurds and security firms- and hey most of us can't right?- does she have some friends that would be willing to run interference on this nut for her? She can use an answering machine to both screen her calls and record any threats made against her.

Hopefully some other people have better idea then me. Like I said before, thankfully nobody would ever want to stalk me.

 

[Missingmeds]

That is just it, they can't seem to catch the person. But I am working on somethings that might help.

Friends are doing more than running interference for her.