How long would you wait?

[Perfect_Trust]

For someone online? If you were in contact with someone a fair while... at what point would you expect to get an answer of when they intend to meet you?

I've put this in here as I'm talking from a sub viewpoint. We didn't 'meet' via a D/s site, but he made it clear from the outset what He would expect (Me Dom you sub, lol).

He's mentioned (more than once) that He will meet me when He's ready... we live about 100 miles apart. Thing is i'm feeling like I need something concrete to go on or to walk away. I have this urge to email him and tell him so (he's away at the moment). BUT, I do know that I dont express myself that well in writing and often come across as bratty (I'm going on ex's opinions here, and my own evaluations of past relationships).

So do I wait until I talk to him on the phone next? Again, I dont want to come over as desperate or needy, but do have a need to know.

 

[Noor]

For someone online? If you were in contact with someone a fair while... at what point would you expect to get an answer of when they intend to meet you?

I've put this in here as I'm talking from a sub viewpoint. We didn't 'meet' via a D/s site, but he made it clear from the outset what He would expect (Me Dom you sub, lol).

He's mentioned (more than once) that He will meet me when He's ready... we live about 100 miles apart. Thing is i'm feeling like I need something concrete to go on or to walk away. I have this urge to email him and tell him so (he's away at the moment). BUT, I do know that I dont express myself that well in writing and often come across as bratty (I'm going on ex's opinions here, and my own evaluations of past relationships).

So do I wait until I talk to him on the phone next? Again, I dont want to come over as desperate or needy, but do have a need to know.

How long is a fair while, you had a new PYL back in Dec.?

When he is ready, there is no time line. If you actually care about him more than say a possession or whatever then discuss with him what he needs to be ready. If you are ready for it now, let him now.

If you are really at an ultimatum point, I would just walk away, you've already checked out.

 

[Perfect_Trust]

How long is a fair while, you had a new PYL back in Dec.?

When he is ready, there is no time line. If you actually care about him more than say a possession or whatever then discuss with him what he needs to be ready. If you are ready for it now, let him now.

If you are really at an ultimatum point, I would just walk away, you've already checked out.

Hmmm, well the 'new' PYL in Dec had been around a couple of months. I checked out on that very soon after - I felt like I was topping from the bottom...and he was letting me, hence I quickly lost respect.

When I say this one has been around 'a fair while' then in all nine months. When we first started talking we both had a lot of other stuff going on & seemed to direct it at each other. We stopped talking, both went on to have short term 'real time' relationships - neither of which worked. So we've been back in touch the last couple of months.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Think it depends on the people involved, situation, and life. For your situation I would be as open and honest as you can be about how you are feeling so it doesn't build up inside and come out like a complaint or being bratty. If you feel it has been long enough for you, and they don't agree, then you have to decide if you are prepared to live with that or move on to someone who shares your time frame and goals. There have been more than a few who have been kept hanging on to meet or be with someone they are involved with online, only to find that after months/years of waiting patiently (or impatiently) the other person suddenly disappears or says they have changed their mind...it is a huge chunk of your life to spend cooling your heels if there is no meeting and/or future involved at the end of the wait.

Catalina

 

[Bandit58]

Hmmm, well the 'new' PYL in Dec had been around a couple of months. I checked out on that very soon after - I felt like I was topping from the bottom...and he was letting me, hence I quickly lost respect.

When I say this one has been around 'a fair while' then in all nine months. When we first started talking we both had a lot of other stuff going on & seemed to direct it at each other. We stopped talking, both went on to have short term 'real time' relationships - neither of which worked. So we've been back in touch the last couple of months.

I would expect to meet for at least a coffee within the first couple of months, especially considering the relatively short distance. If he can't put aside a few hours on a Sunday afternoon for that, then I would assume that he's not really interested.

So do I wait until I talk to him on the phone next? Again, I dont want to come over as desperate or needy, but do have a need to know.

You also have a right to know if you're wasting your time with him. There are far too many people out there who string others along and get their jollies online with no intention of carrying over into r/t. It's not desperate or needy to say to him "Hey we've been talking for a while now, what do you say we meet for lunch/coffee/dinner whatever."

 

[Perfect_Trust]

There have been more than a few who have been kept hanging on to meet or be with someone they are involved with online, only to find that after months/years of waiting patiently (or impatiently) the other person suddenly disappears or says they have changed their mind...it is a huge chunk of your life to spend cooling your heels if there is no meeting and/or future involved at the end of the wait.

Exactly Catalina, that's my main concern. That, and the fact that someone else I DID meet online turned out to be a complete liar! But I dont want it to get to the point as coming over as not believing anything he says due to bad past experience.

 

[Perfect_Trust]

I would expect to meet for at least a coffee within the first couple of months, especially considering the relatively short distance. If he can't put aside a few hours on a Sunday afternoon for that, then I would assume that he's not really interested.

My thoughts too, though he did mention last time we spoke that he feels now he would like to meet me as there hasn't been the same tension and mistrust that was there the first time around, on both sides and that he is remembering why he liked me so much to start with.

"Hey we've been talking for a while now, what do you say we meet for lunch/coffee/dinner whatever."

Probably the kind of approach I will try and adopt.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Exactly Catalina, that's my main concern. That, and the fact that someone else I DID meet online turned out to be a complete liar! But I dont want it to get to the point as coming over as not believing anything he says due to bad past experience.

I think it is very sensible to maintain a little reserve incase he is not all you hope and believe. After all, we are always warning people against believing everything a PYL or pyl tells them just because they say it is so...it is self preservation and something I believe a prospective partner should be pleased to know you have the intelligence enough to apply some common sense and protective measures to. When I was doing the online meeting thing, I was usually fairly accurate in gauging who was above board, who wasn't, and who I didn't think would work when we met, but I tried to maintain a degree of open mindedness as well.

Hmmm, I also applied a little detective work as in having another username/profile which I could use to chat to the one who was professing undying love or interest just to see if they were all they said. LOL, it was amazing (but not surprising) the number of ones who when they spoke online to my alt said they were currently not involved with anyone or even talking to anyone else while they were actually planning to meet me in the very near future and often telling me they believed we would be together soon after meeting. I would give them enough room to back out of their lies (usually talked to them online over a few days so they could come clean) but surprisingly it was only usually when I admitted who I was they began pretending they knew all along it was me and were trying to teach me a lesson for trying to trick them....yeah, right.

Have to say, F was the only one who said straight out when my alt popped up and said hi that he was already committed to someone special he was planning to meet and so could offer nothing more than friendship. Some might think it deceptive, I think of it as being protective of myself and figure if they had nothing to hide it wouldn't be a problem for them. Once again F shone through as he agreed it was a smart move to prevent being taken advantage of. You have a right to know if he intends to meet, when, and why he might want to wait after the several months you have been chatting given you are not that far from each other. F and I met 5 months after we first contacted, and would have met sooner if he hadn't been 16,000kms away on the other side of the planet.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

At that distance, I think within a few months, as Bandit said, as well.

If I were in an LDR, I would want a set date, and then I think I would expect to meet within a year at least. With my circumstances, I couldn't move out of the country or anywhere more than 25 or so miles away, actually. But if circumstances were different, that timing sounds about right.

 

[nh23]

He's married and just wants to play online. Oh, shit did I just say that..lol. Seriously he may have his reasons for not wanting to meet up just yet. There are plenty of valid reasons for it. You'll have to use your best judgment and gut feelings. I'd just ask if I were you, see how he responds and go from there. Good Luck

 

[Chicklet]

How long would I wait? Maybe two weeks.

I'm a firm believer in the necessity of physical attraction and location. If there's no lust in person, I don't want to pursue anything. So if the guy isn't willing to get together for coffee right away, then he's not worth my time, and I'll move on.

And I have to say, years of meeting men online, and none has EVER rejected a meeting within the first couple weeks.

 

[madetotakeit]

I can appreciate waiting before meeting in person. I prefer to get to know somebody through conversations first. For one thing, the longer you talk to somebody the more you get an idea of them. It is hard to keep up a false front for too long. More conversations, the better grasp you have on what that person is really like. Trading pics already lets you know if you like the physical aspect, but my mind has to be captured first. It's not easy to do, but only once it has been do I feel comfortable enough to meet in person. I can count on one hand (and have fingers left over) the number of men who have made it to the meeting point. That being said, I'm not going to wait too long before I start to become curious as to why the delay. There can be extenuating circumstances, but not all of those are necessarliy above board.

 

[chelleb]

I can appreciate waiting before meeting in person. I prefer to get to know somebody through conversations first. For one thing, the longer you talk to somebody the more you get an idea of them. It is hard to keep up a false front for too long. More conversations, the better grasp you have on what that person is really like. Trading pics already lets you know if you like the physical aspect, but my mind has to be captured first. It's not easy to do, but only once it has been do I feel comfortable enough to meet in person. I can count on one hand (and have fingers left over) the number of men who have made it to the meeting point. That being said, I'm not going to wait too long before I start to become curious as to why the delay. There can be extenuating circumstances, but not all of those are necessarliy above board.

Very well said! I couldn't agree more.

 

[Noor]

I guess I am usually the person who is reluctant to meet quickly. I am very slow to get used to people, its just me.

I usually talk to guys on the phone a bit before meeting. I can tell a lot by what they say and how they say it. Sometimes I don't get it.

I had a guy from here push to meet me a few years back, lived about 70 mile away. we talked on the phone, everything, picked a weekend to meet 1/2 way, I had a friend nearby I could have stayed over with. he had some family problems weekend before but everything seemed on, and then he went poof about 4 days before.

I knew who he was, where he lived, where he worked, and what he did. I knew his kids names and where they were. I never heard from him again. Obviously he wasn't for me!

 

[twysted73]

I second made2take it.
The mind is the key.
If there's nothing upstairs, it really doesn't matter what's downstairs.
It's a moot point by then.

This question you ask....we can only suggest (and do so blindly as we've no possible way of knowing all the nuances involved).

It really is up to you. Do YOU feel he's worth it? For your own sake of safety, learn more of him to minimize your margin for dissapointment.
So often we become caught up in the frenzy of our hopes and the potential of having them fulfilled that "sub frenzy" sets in and you lose your senses. (much like love but..different in many aspects but the basics)

Use caution.....patience. Let him come to you when he's ready but....let him know you continue your search. Perhaps having another rooster in the hen house might hasten his process.
Yes, we men are quite animalistically territorial. But to know us is to love us.

~ The wolf at your back door ~

 

[FurryFury]

This is only my opinion and experience talking so take it with a grain of salt or leave it altogether as you wish.

I think the vast majority of people that play D/s games online do so because, for whatever reason they will NEVER want to meet up with a real person in real life in real time.

Now they may say they will but it's just a way to keep stringing someone along. Sort of like, "I'll leave my wife just as soon as the kids are in college."

Someone who demanded D/s from the onset, that is a red flag to me.

Someone who says y'all will meet when he is ready and it's all up to him? That's another red flag.

Someone who, when to try to explain how you feel says you are sounding bratty, is likely trying to control you.

Now I could be wrong, but I seriously doubt it. This guy is probably married and playing at a fantasy he never wants to make come true in RL.

If you can't talk frankly with him about your feelings, that's just not right. Sure it may be an edgy thrill if he is so "strict" and controlling. I get that. It can feel just right and very hot but BS is BS and I suspect that's what is really going on. I miss my old BSer btw. The fantasy was good while it lasted.

I wish you well.

 

[Perfect_Trust]

I can appreciate waiting before meeting in person. I prefer to get to know somebody through conversations first. For one thing, the longer you talk to somebody the more you get an idea of them. It is hard to keep up a false front for too long. More conversations, the better grasp you have on what that person is really like. Trading pics already lets you know if you like the physical aspect, but my mind has to be captured first. It's not easy to do, but only once it has been do I feel comfortable enough to meet in person. I can count on one hand (and have fingers left over) the number of men who have made it to the meeting point. That being said, I'm not going to wait too long before I start to become curious as to why the delay. There can be extenuating circumstances, but not all of those are necessarliy above board.

From MY point of view we have talked a lot (on the phone as well as IM). He probably knows more about me than most of my ex's, and we seem to share a lot of common ground.

As he himself has stated, we at least wouldn't be stuck for conversation as it flows very easily between us.

 

[shy slave]

I prefer to meet quite soon after talking, within a few weeks.

This is because there are so many people who (as FF said) never plan to meet, and as Catalina said it can be a large chunk of your life waiting.

My own personal reason for wishing to meet is that if we connect on the phone it does not guarantee we will 'gel' face to face.

I have spoken to people on the phone and really enjoyed talking to them, but when we have met the spark has not been there.

Luckily they have agreed and with two people that has developed into a strong friendship.

100 miles is less than a two hour drive, I would be suspicious if they could not find time in an evening or weekend to meet up.

The Dom I am now seeing had arranged to fly over from Ireland to meet me (I live in England), within just a couple of weeks of talking to him.

I respect that speed and assertiveness, far more than I respect someone who is elusive and will not share reasons as to why they cannot meet sooner.

 

[Perfect_Trust]

This is only my opinion and experience talking so take it with a grain of salt or leave it altogether as you wish.

I think the vast majority of people that play D/s games online do so because, for whatever reason they will NEVER want to meet up with a real person in real life in real time.

Now they may say they will but it's just a way to keep stringing someone along. Sort of like, "I'll leave my wife just as soon as the kids are in college."

Someone who demanded D/s from the onset, that is a red flag to me.

Someone who says y'all will meet when he is ready and it's all up to him? That's another red flag.

Someone who, when to try to explain how you feel says you are sounding bratty, is likely trying to control you.

Now I could be wrong, but I seriously doubt it. This guy is probably married and playing at a fantasy he never wants to make come true in RL.

If you can't talk frankly with him about your feelings, that's just not right. Sure it may be an edgy thrill if he is so "strict" and controlling. I get that. It can feel just right and very hot but BS is BS and I suspect that's what is really going on. I miss my old BSer btw. The fantasy was good while it lasted.

I wish you well.

Thanks Fury,

All of the above HAS crossed my mind. Though the D/s bit was more to do with what he would expect in a 'real' relationship. Having said that it doesn't seem to be what he had in his last relationship... maybe that's one of the reasons it didn't work for him? Or maybe he is just playing fantasy with something he couldn't really assert in a 'real' relationship.

 

[Perfect_Trust]

I prefer to meet quite soon after talking, within a few weeks.

This is because there are so many people who (as FF said) never plan to meet, and as Catalina said it can be a large chunk of your life waiting.

My own personal reason for wishing to meet is that if we connect on the phone it does not guarantee we will 'gel' face to face.

I have spoken to people on the phone and really enjoyed talking to them, but when we have met the spark has not been there.

Luckily they have agreed and with two people that has developed into a strong friendship.

100 miles is less than a two hour drive, I would be suspicious if they could not find time in an evening or weekend to meet up.

The Dom I am now seeing had arranged to fly over from Ireland to meet me (I live in England), within just a couple of weeks of talking to him.

I respect that speed and assertiveness, far more than I respect someone who is elusive and will not share reasons as to why they cannot meet sooner.

Shy, I get all this as well, and this is how it has been for me on past meet ups.

And the point you make about being able to chat away for hours on the phone, then being no spark, is part of what I'm tring to avoid... assuming we ever do actually meet.

For me 100 miles may as well be 100,000 miles due to my other commitments. But as far as I am aware he has no other commitments than work. My last PYL lived close to Him, had a job and a child - yet found the time. Having said that, I then found I didn't feel like I had so much in common with the last one after the initial 'spark' had died down, but at least got the chance to find out.

 

[shy slave]

Shy, I get all this as well, and this is how it has been for me on past meet ups.

And the point you make about being able to chat away for hours on the phone, then being no spark, is part of what I'm tring to avoid... assuming we ever do actually meet.

For me 100 miles may as well be 100,000 miles due to my other commitments. But as far as I am aware he has no other commitments than work. My last PYL lived close to Him, had a job and a child - yet found the time. Having said that, I then found I didn't feel like I had so much in common with the last one after the initial 'spark' had died down, but at least got the chance to find out.

I understand that you have commitments, but if he doesn't then I would be suspicious if he could not find time to meet you. I should qualify that by saying 'suspicous' is almost my middle name!

Keeping the spark going is a different issue from getting to a point of meeting.

The world is full of failed relationships, where the spark simply disappeared.

I am quite assertive at times and I would be bold enoughto ask 'Is there are reason you don't wish to meet me?'

I have had varied responses to that question, including 'No, I don't' but at least I knew where I stood.

Other people here will be able to give you a more softly, softly approach to this, whatever you decide I hope you are able to find a resolve in your mind.

Please let us know the outcome, there may be a really good reason why he is delaying it such as work stress or money

 

[Perfect_Trust]

I understand that you have commitments, but if he doesn't then I would be suspicious if he could not find time to meet you. I should qualify that by saying 'suspicous' is almost my middle name!

Keeping the spark going is a different issue from getting to a point of meeting.

The world is full of failed relationships, where the spark simply disappeared.

I am quite assertive at times and I would be bold enoughto ask 'Is there are reason you don't wish to meet me?'

I have had varied responses to that question, including 'No, I don't' but at least I knew where I stood.

Other people here will be able to give you a more softly, softly approach to this, whatever you decide I hope you are able to find a resolve in your mind.

Please let us know the outcome, there may be a really good reason why he is delaying it such as work stress or money

The only reason he has given up to now is that he "Doesn't want to start meeting up with X amount of people from the internet, with a view to it just being about sex, that he needs to feel like there was more to it, and have valid reasons for feeling that."

Like I said, when we first started talking last year there were other things on both our minds... my divorce, his mother recently dying, etc. BUT, knowing that we have both since had other relationships makes me think there is no reason now why we couldnt have a relationship with each other (or at least meet & see).

 

[Perfect_Trust]

Oh, and Shy,

Seems we both share the same middle name. Though I have to be careful how I choose to word things, coz I know I have pissed a lot of people of with my (often unfounded/unproved) suspicions!

 

[chris9]

The only reason he has given up to now is that he "Doesn't want to start meeting up with X amount of people from the internet, with a view to it just being about sex, that he needs to feel like there was more to it, and have valid reasons for feeling that."

Like I said, when we first started talking last year there were other things on both our minds... my divorce, his mother recently dying, etc. BUT, knowing that we have both since had other relationships makes me think there is no reason now why we couldnt have a relationship with each other (or at least meet & see).

I'm in the meet-as-soon-as-possible crowd here. Distance and time is an issue, sure. But thinking about that means that we agreed to meeting already. And as of yet he has not.
Talking to someone for 9 months, even with a break in between, should be sufficient to know if there's more to it than sex (unless you guys have never talked about anything else). And if he doesn't know, either you two are not right for each other after all or he's holding back his real reason.

ETA:
And even though my middle name more likely is trust than suspicion, I refuse to be kept on hold for too long. I'm impatient, I want to know if there's a future. And I need to meet in person to find out.

 

[coy_one]

I'm another one that meets as soon as possible. I like to see if the chemistry is there. I've talked and talked to people, but it's just different when you're standing there face to face, in my opinion.

I have been making more of a conscious effort to speak my mind. I find that it's easier to be upfront than to deal with the disappointment of not knowing - or the anxiety that it creates.

I do like the idea of asking him what will make him ready - or just inviting him out for coffee. And you can always meet halfway. It doesn't have to be your town or his.

I also would wait and see how those red flags are in real time.