How does this read?

[loumey1]

I've re-worked the last sentence on this paragraph so many times that I can't tell how it reads anymore. Feedback would be appreciated. Thanks!



Sonja simply watched the two of them, a smile playing about her lips. She’d walked the planet in her various incarnations for longer than she cared to remember, and seen horrors most people couldn’t even begin to imagine. The beauty before her lightened the burden, making it worthwhile.

 

[mynameisben]

I've re-worked the last sentence on this paragraph so many times that I can't tell how it reads anymore. Feedback would be appreciated. Thanks!



Sonja simply watched the two of them, a smile playing about her lips. She’d walked the planet in her various incarnations for longer than she cared to remember, and seen horrors most people couldn’t even begin to imagine. The beauty before her lightened the burden, making it worthwhile.

It's okay. I would have axed the "her" in "her various", since it's not really needed.

"A smile playing about her lips" may be considered by some to be a cliche.

The three sentences all enjoy the same comma splice structure. If the rest of the paragraph is more of the same you run the risk of putting your audience to sleep with your cadence.

 

[LettersFromTatyana]

Sonja simply watched the two of them, a smile playing about her lips. She’d walked the planet in her various incarnations for longer than she cared to remember, and seen horrors most people couldn’t even begin to imagine. The beauty before her lightened the burden, making it worthwhile.

I'd scratch the "simply" in the first sentence, and the "her" and the "even" in the second sentence.

As for the third sentence, I have a weird pet peeve about the overuse of the word "it". Sometimes it's OK (like how I just used it), but other times, I think using another phrase can better emphasize your point. The second half of the third sentence seems trite to me. That might be because I don't have any context, but it might be because you're removing the power of your words or thoughts with that "it".

 

[estragon]

It's grammatically correct, if stilted. Stylistic changes are beyond my remit.

 

[PennLady]

I've re-worked the last sentence on this paragraph so many times that I can't tell how it reads anymore. Feedback would be appreciated. Thanks!

This is what I'd do if I'd edited. Red is a suggested deletion, blue an insertion. And as Tatyana mentioned, this is difficult with no context of the larger story.

Sonja simply watched the two of them, a smile playing about on her lips. She’d walked the this planet in her various incarnations for longer than she cared to remember, and seen horrors most people couldn’t even begin to imagine. The beauty before her lightened the burden, making it everything she'd been through seem worthwhile.

With all changes:

Sonja watched the two of them, a smile playing on her lips. She’d walked this planet in various incarnations for longer than she cared to remember, and seen horrors most people couldn’t even begin to imagine. The beauty before her lightened the burden, making everything she'd been through seem worthwhile.

 

[loumey1]

You guys are awesome - thanks!

I realize the paragraph is out of context for everyone - I probably should have included a bit more info, but didn't want to stick too much text in there. Sonja isn't a main character, but that paragraph ends a scene in the next chapter, and it needed improvement.

I'm much happier with those edits. Thank you everyone!

 

[loumey1]

Just wanted to add another thanks to all of you for the comments on the use of the word 'it' which is not something I'd heard before. While editing my chapter I caught a number of places where reworking to remove 'it' immediately fixed some of the awkwardness I was feeling about certain sections, and overall made things considerably stronger. It never would have occurred to me to me to look for that, so thank you all very much!

 

[Boxlicker101]

I like PennLady's change, except I would combine the second and third sentences with the contraction "but" to emphasize the way the second clause balances the first. This makes a 39 word sentence, which is long, but not excessively so, given how short the first sentence is.