How does one dump a submissive ?

[LilyBart]

What is the question? I'm a little confused. Do kinky people dump people differently than vanilla people? Not that I've witnessed.

Thank you for saying what I was afraid to ask.

Isn't a relationship a "relationship?" Why distinguish between a D/s or any other one, I think.

I'm not a Dom, or a sub, but I'm not sure I understand the difference as regards the question.

Of course, I could also be dense. Won't be the first time.

In this case, I'm going with Mistress Matisse, all the way. This is unambiguously a case of "you can't have your cake and eat it too." Make up your mind or at least become a real Dom. I think this person could be badly screwing with too many heads, just to save his own.....

Honestly, regardless of kink-bent; honesty is always the best policy. IMHO.

Love,
former Girl-Scout

 

[Homburg]

Uncle Homburg says "Give both of them enough time and space to figure out how much of a douche you are, and they will likely solve the problem for you."

To rebecca's question, well, it depends on the person, and the circumstances. BDSM relationships are relationships.

 

[BiBunny]

Uncle Homburg says "Give both of them enough time and space to figure out how much of a douche you are, and they will likely solve the problem for you."

*Snort*

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Thanks to absolutely everyone that took time to reply, I'll confess though I regret starting this thread. Not because of anything that's been contributed by anyone other than myself. The opening post was confusing between the article and my mini rant, I presume wrongly sometimes that everyone knows exactly what's going on in my head. The harder I try to convey things largely concerning emotive abstracts the worse I seem to do.

There was never any dispute on my part that all relationships come with different criteria and expectations. I was struggling to express the part of yourself that you willing relinquish in submission to another as a separate entity. The 'I defer to / feel owned by' part standing alone, the extra tiniest chink of yourself that seems to remain irretrievable long after a relationship has ceased, irrespective of cause.

Quite seriously, I think I'll leave it at this, before I type myself into more obscurity.

Thanks again to everyone for their contributions

 

[Homburg]

Thanks to absolutely everyone that took time to reply, I'll confess though I regret starting this thread. Not because of anything that's been contributed by anyone other than myself. The opening post was confusing between the article and my mini rant, I presume wrongly sometimes that everyone knows exactly what's going on in my head. The harder I try to convey things largely concerning emotive abstracts the worse I seem to do.

It could also be that this particular concept is sub-lingual for you. Your understanding of it goes deeper than words, and thus you've a tougher time putting it into words.

There was never any dispute on my part that all relationships come with different criteria and expectations. I was struggling to express the part of yourself that you willing relinquish in submission to another as a separate entity. The 'I defer to / feel owned by' part standing alone, the extra tiniest chink of yourself that seems to remain irretrievable long after a relationship has ceased, irrespective of cause.

Quite seriously, I think I'll leave it at this, before I type myself into more obscurity.

Thanks again to everyone for their contributions

This is a bit more clear.

I honestly cannot comment directly. I've simply not dimissed/lost that many submissives to have an established pattern. I know in the nilla relationships I've ended, I've generally just done the "let's sit down and have a talk" method, and just treated it like a conversation between adults.

In the kinky case, well, I continue to feel responsibility towards "w", and am available as a friend. We've gone to lunch here and there, and hung out once or twice in public situations. We were keeping up communication via text, but that has fallen off.

*shrug* I honestly expect that I will continue to feel some sort of emotion towards her. She said as much about me. Our parting was not acrimonious though. I guesss that it depends on how you see such things. I am someone that forges bonds. I am neither aloof nor cold, and do not expect some sort of distance. With a play partner, sure, there will be distance, but not with someone in my service. As a result of that bond, there will be something that remains long after the relationship has ceased to be.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

It could also be that this particular concept is sub-lingual for you. Your understanding of it goes deeper than words, and thus you've a tougher time putting it into words.



This is a bit more clear.

I honestly cannot comment directly. I've simply not dimissed/lost that many submissives to have an established pattern. I know in the nilla relationships I've ended, I've generally just done the "let's sit down and have a talk" method, and just treated it like a conversation between adults.

In the kinky case, well, I continue to feel responsibility towards "w", and am available as a friend. We've gone to lunch here and there, and hung out once or twice in public situations. We were keeping up communication via text, but that has fallen off.

*shrug* I honestly expect that I will continue to feel some sort of emotion towards her. She said as much about me. Our parting was not acrimonious though. I guesss that it depends on how you see such things. I am someone that forges bonds. I am neither aloof nor cold, and do not expect some sort of distance. With a play partner, sure, there will be distance, but not with someone in my service. As a result of that bond, there will be something that remains long after the relationship has ceased to be.

: smiles : Thank you Mr Homburg, there was never any doubt in my mind there was a PYL version of whatevertheHellthisis too.

I appreciate the insight

 

[BiBunny]

In order for me to give myself totally to another--complete with slavish devotion--, I must love that person deeply. Well, not just love him, but be in love with him. (Some people make this distinction, and I want to be sure we're perfectly clear.) It's very hard for me feel that way about another person. I'm definitely not a "heart-on-my-sleeve type." Once I do, a little piece of me is going to belong to that person forever, no matter what. Y'all know that I'm not prone to romantic sentiment, but that's how it is for me.

 

[Netzach]

I feel that way about all my exes, and any remotely enjoyable lay I've ever had.

Maybe I'm really emotionally open, or maybe I am really picky about my enjoyable lays, but even the ones that were a bad idea have a nice leftover scrapbook page of sorts.

 

[YourCaptor]

When I broke up with the girlfriend (sub, although she was never branded as such) I made it a slow process. I let her know why, and how it was going to happen. My plan was to separate while I could still help her deal with it, that didn’t work out so great.

She’s doing fine now, we still have a limited e-mail channel of communication. We still love each other too, but more in a far away best friend manor.

I would often wonder if I could have done it better, but she is fine, the only problem possibly being is that she can’t seem to go without a boyfriend anymore. Leaves her open to be used, but she’s smart, as long as nothing clouds her thought she will be fine.

In hindsight the timing of the split was almost spooky perfect, it really saved her a lot of pain and opened up opportunities for her. I view it more as and ending rather then a dump.

 

[rosco rathbone]

"Last blowjobs for the road" lol.

 

[Chicklet]

What is the question? I'm a little confused. Do kinky people dump people differently than vanilla people? Not that I've witnessed.

This is exactly how I feel!

My D/s dynamic has not been discussed in any of the horrible relationship ends I've experienced.

I can't find the specific post right now, but I do believe that the dumpee is generally more wounded than the dump-er. I don't know that the dumpee being a submissive makes it more painful than if a PYL is the one dumped, but I do know how much it tears me apart inside to completely devote myself to someone's happiness, and then find out that I failed completely. I can only imagine that the pain on the PYL's side is similar when he/she is dumped; to find out he or she failed his or her submissive in that way. In any relationship the breakups are hard, and usually harder on the person who finds out that everything they believed about the relationship was wrong.

 

[Chicklet]

"Last blowjobs for the road" lol.

I want to point out the realism of that statement- As a last resort, to try to regain favor, I've often given blowjobs immediately after being dumped, or fucked someone, with tears still pouring down my cheeks. It's this last, pitiful hope that he'll change his mind if you can do one thing better.

And it really lets you know which of the guys you've been seeing are decent, and which ones are actually shit-bags.

The current maybe-shit-bag refused the sex post breakup, but did hold me all night while I cried in his bed.

off topic, he's been decent to me recently... I don't quite know what to make of his up and down behavior. We went shopping yesterday and he picked out a collar he liked and locked it on me all night. It felt really good, and he made a lot of comments that sounded promising to me... but he's made it fairly clear in the past that he's NOT interested in any sort of relationship with me, so, confusion.

 

[YourCaptor]

off topic, he's been decent to me recently... I don't quite know what to make of his up and down behavior. We went shopping yesterday and he picked out a collar he liked and locked it on me all night. It felt really good, and he made a lot of comments that sounded promising to me... but he's made it fairly clear in the past that he's NOT interested in any sort of relationship with me, so, confusion.

Their are different kinds of love, and love does change.

 

[rida]

.....

I can't find the specific post right now, but I do believe that the dumpee is generally more wounded than the dump-er. I don't know that the dumpee being a submissive makes it more painful than if a PYL is the one dumped, but I do know how much it tears me apart inside to completely devote myself to someone's happiness, and then find out that I failed completely. I can only imagine that the pain on the PYL's side is similar when he/she is dumped; to find out he or she failed his or her submissive in that way. In any relationship the breakups are hard, and usually harder on the person who finds out that everything they believed about the relationship was wrong.

I can see that if you have totally devoted yourself to a person and than are told that "sorry, you are not good enough for me" or any other similar meaning /differently worded phrases, you as the dumped would hurt more than the dumper ...

BUT, I do not think that it is always true. I've done the break-up at times, and not because the other person was not good enough for me, but because the relationship had no future as we were not good for each other or circumstances would not allow for a future. And trust me, it hurt like hell. I cried and cried and cried and wished to just run back and get back together. The usual empty feeling of a failed relationship with the guilt of feeling responsible for the pain the other person was surely feeling, and the self-doubting of "what if"s ... no, the dumper do not necessarily suffer less

As for your current situation ...{{{hugs}}} ... he is hurting you, you are hurting yourself ... he says one thing he does another ... your brain hear his words ... your hearth hears his actions ... is painful to let go ... it hurts to stay ... being there myself (vanilla relationship) ... usually it ends when one of the two finds someone else ... in the meantime ...{{{hugs}}}