How does a Dom find a Domme?

[Marquis]

So I've decided to give bottoming a try, in the interest of expanding my mind and exploring new perspectives.

The problem is I have no idea how to find someone who could/would top me in the way I want. I'm not sure if I want the play to be all that sexual, although that would likely depend on how attractive I found the Domme. I'm more interested in getting into the bottom headspace, although I don't want to be humiliated.

Ideally I would find an attractive Domme who understands I am a Dom as well, and am merely attempting to explore. I'm not going to show her any more than due respect outside of our scene(s) and I'm not going to fucking wash her car or do the dishes.

I wouldn't even begin to know how to approach someone like this. I would think most Dommes would be more interested in subs, although I would definitely oblige a Domme with a similar request from me.

Any suggestions?

 

[Aeroil]

So I've decided to give bottoming a try, in the interest of expanding my mind and exploring new perspectives.

The problem is I have no idea how to find someone who could/would top me in the way I want. I'm not sure if I want the play to be all that sexual, although that would likely depend on how attractive I found the Domme. I'm more interested in getting into the bottom headspace, although I don't want to be humiliated.

Ideally I would find an attractive Domme who understands I am a Dom as well, and am merely attempting to explore. I'm not going to show her any more than due respect outside of our scene(s) and I'm not going to fucking wash her car or do the dishes.

I wouldn't even begin to know how to approach someone like this. I would think most Dommes would be more interested in subs, although I would definitely oblige a Domme with a similar request from me.

Any suggestions?

Look timid and cute, Dommes love that.

 

[Marquis]

Look timid and cute, Dommes love that.

I suck at that.

 

[canadiancutie]

Look timid and cute, Dommes love that.

haha because you're so awesome at finding dommes

 

[canadiancutie]

I suck at that.

1. I think you could be good at it

2. Just talk to dommes you know politely about it and I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for

3. I could totally domme you

 

[Aeroil]

I suck at that.

haha good point. Did you perhaps consider going to a fetish club and simply explaining what you're after? apparently you're hot, the Dommes should glance at you at least twice, as long as you don't come in with sub girls hanging on to you.

 

[Aeroil]

haha because you're so awesome at finding dommes

naw I seem to freak the older ones out that I'm as young as their children, more often.

 

[catalina_francisco]

First suggestion I would give if you want to minimise the time it takes to find the right person, and going through a lot of BS, is hold back on the pic thing. IME the ones who are serious about exploration etc., Dom/me, Switch, or sub, do not require a pic of how you look or even take that into consideration.....but if you put it out there, you can expect a lot of people who are only interested in your looks and may or may not have anything else to offer.

You could try the longer process of going to munches/clubs, getting to know people, gradually gain trust and approach someone you might feel comfortable with (and who is not acting on your looks), but I would suggest, as draining as it can be, advertise and be open about what you are looking for and why. There are more people out there than you think who value others who want to experiment and explore in a safe environment, and if you are lucky, you can find one who can tap into what will work for you, the best ways to enhance the experience for you as well as them, and best of all, someone who is creative. Good luck with it. Of course if you come to Europe, I am sure one of us would be willing to help out!

Catalina

 

[TaintedB]

An alternative that might be less emotionally draining than online personals would be to go to a pro. There are quite a few decent ones out there and it's easier in some ways to determine that. Most professional dominants have a web presence and you can tell by what they put on their websites what their mindset is like.

 

[Lilith]

... and I'm not going to fucking wash her car or do the dishes.

I'm out! Dishes are a deal breaker

Do you really want a Domme or are you just looking to top from the bottom?

 

[catalina_francisco]

An alternative that might be less emotionally draining than online personals would be to go to a pro. There are quite a few decent ones out there and it's easier in some ways to determine that. Most professional dominants have a web presence and you can tell by what they put on their websites what their mindset is like.

LOL, I thought of that, but then it involves finding the cash. Also, unless you are really lucky, it takes more than one visit to get to some level of connection to get an accurate feel for what the bottoming expereicne maybe like in a regular D/s relationship that is not paid for. It has it's place, but those I have been talking with lately find there is a distinction between both types of experience....not better or worse, just different. The exception might be Netzach, because she is an exceptional lady, but also someone Marquis has come to know to an extent. but in that case, we want pics!!!!

Catalina

 

[SweetDommes]

Marquis, you are the last person I would ever expect to see a thread like this out of ... wow.

And oddly enough, this comes right after I posted a thread on collarme's forums about how many Doms have contacted us in the last week asking us to Dominate them.

On topic - the suggestions already given are about as good as I could give. I know some Dommes who are open/willing to do this - we have considered it in the past for very good friends - but in general, it's not our thing. I hope that you can find someone that you trust who doesn't feel the same way about it that we do.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

On more than one occassion, I've been approached by Doms who wanted to experience subspace.. most often, so that they can understand the feeling, and empathize better with their subs. Twice, I've taken on such a Dom, and Dommed them. The problem that arises with Doms who want to experience subspace, actually came up in your post "To top me in the way I WANT". If you want to experience subspace, you don't really get to be picky. There are boundaries, sure, and the sub is in control, but... in the submissive role, you bend to the will of your top. You serve your top, and you serve their whims and desires. Not yours.


With one of the Doms I topped, it was a very successful experience. He revelled in the submissive role, though he did not want to make it a change in his lifestyle.

With the other, his Dom ego got in the way too much, and it was unsuccessful.

 

[Netzach]

I have to disagree with the idea that you can't get topped how you want, or if you do, you're the top. It may not be submission, but it's certainly not running the whole show, and it's certainly different from orchestrating the scene from the top.

That's the essence of bottoming as opposed to submitting: getting topped the way you want, coming to some kind of consensus with your top and going for it, making the scene happen together.

I actually think that there are more people into this kind of scene than life online might suggest. The majority of professionals I know, including myself when I was working professionally, are accustomed to this kind of client. In fact, I'd say the majority of those who see SM professionals are not in fact submissive at all, but fetishists and bottoms wanting an experience to be facilitated. That's an advantage of a professional in this case: MOST will understand and happily accomodate someone who's not going to kneel, grovel, clean things, etc.

In my experience, most of the people who are good fetish facilitators are themselves switches, they don't feel as invested in getting that bottom to submit, they don't feel manipulated by limits and parameters, they have a very laid-back and exploratory attitude. You are going to have trouble if you pair up with someone who's going to try and get you to submit in an way shape or form without laying a LOT of groundwork and unless she's comfortable if that never happens. How do I know? Takes one to know one, and I've disappeared when the too-heavyhanded approach has been tried on me.

 

[AAkasha]

So I've decided to give bottoming a try, in the interest of expanding my mind and exploring new perspectives.

The problem is I have no idea how to find someone who could/would top me in the way I want. I'm not sure if I want the play to be all that sexual, although that would likely depend on how attractive I found the Domme. I'm more interested in getting into the bottom headspace, although I don't want to be humiliated.

Ideally I would find an attractive Domme who understands I am a Dom as well, and am merely attempting to explore. I'm not going to show her any more than due respect outside of our scene(s) and I'm not going to fucking wash her car or do the dishes.

I wouldn't even begin to know how to approach someone like this. I would think most Dommes would be more interested in subs, although I would definitely oblige a Domme with a similar request from me.

Any suggestions?

If you are specific about the way you want to be dominated, go see a professional. She will have the talent and skills, and you can be assured she knows what she's doing (go to a reputable one).

I'm more of a dominant than a top, and although I'd never have a partner do service type submission for erotic pleasure, I'd never be able to dominate a partner that had a limited, specific idea of what he'd submit to.

Akasha

 

[SweetDommes]

On more than one occassion, I've been approached by Doms who wanted to experience subspace.. most often, so that they can understand the feeling, and empathize better with their subs. Twice, I've taken on such a Dom, and Dommed them. The problem that arises with Doms who want to experience subspace, actually came up in your post "To top me in the way I WANT". If you want to experience subspace, you don't really get to be picky. There are boundaries, sure, and the sub is in control, but... in the submissive role, you bend to the will of your top. You serve your top, and you serve their whims and desires. Not yours.

While I understand where you are coming from on this, that isn't exactly how I read his line of thought. I read it as "I want to be the bottom during a scene, I don't want to be ordered to do housework as that scene but most other things are ok" ... which is perfectly understandable and acceptable to me.

 

[AAkasha]

While I understand where you are coming from on this, that isn't exactly how I read his line of thought. I read it as "I want to be the bottom during a scene, I don't want to be ordered to do housework as that scene but most other things are ok" ... which is perfectly understandable and acceptable to me.

I dunno..he also said he is willing to bottom but not be humiliated. It does to me sound more specific -- a list of acts he is ok with and can experience (and sexual attraction comes in -- so it may be sexual as well) as a bottom.

Humiliation is a wide category. If a man isn't willing to at least have his pride bent a little, is there any hope for real subspace? Depends on how you define humiliation, I suppose.

Also, since he is a dominant, I find it odd that he would assume most femdoms want submissives. I think any dominant would understand quite easily the appeal of partner who are not 100% self labeled submissive-out-of-the-box. That's when real power exchange is so hot.

I think maybe he's looking for a woman to tie him up and do all the things to him he wants done. Best bet is a pro.

Akasha

 

[graceanne]

Ok, I could be totally wrong here, but I just don't see someone getting into 'subspace' if they don't enjoy submitting. It'd be like me trying to get into dom space. I couldn't do it, cause being the domme would bore the living hell out of me (and most likely my sub).

 

[catalina_francisco]

While I understand where you are coming from on this, that isn't exactly how I read his line of thought. I read it as "I want to be the bottom during a scene, I don't want to be ordered to do housework as that scene but most other things are ok" ... which is perfectly understandable and acceptable to me.

I think I am with you in that I read it as setting limits, which is what we always talk about as important here, no? While the unknown can be fun at times, it is also important to recognise and be confidant enough to communicate to your Top just exactly what you as a bottom cannot and/or do not want to happen in a scene. I'm also not sure how the idea arose that Marquis was actually looking to experience subspace, though perhaps I missed that part......it doesn't necessarily become part of the whole thing, and I get the feeling it is not as frequent an occurance as some feel obligated to portray it as....and for the most part, I believe is under the control of the submissive as to whether they go there or not, not the one dominating or topping them though they can certainly encourage or forbid it. I for one have not been there, nor do I particularly want to, for much the same reasons it is not something he looks to nurture in me. F has taken people to subspace before, but for us it does not appeal or fulfil either of our needs or desires, and certainly is not a given or necessity in terms of bottoming or submitting or serving.

Catalina

 

[Lilith]

In my experience, most of the people who are good fetish facilitators are themselves switches, they don't feel as invested in getting that bottom to submit, they don't feel manipulated by limits and parameters, they have a very laid-back and exploratory attitude. You are going to have trouble if you pair up with someone who's going to try and get you to submit in an way shape or form without laying a LOT of groundwork and unless she's comfortable if that never happens. How do I know? Takes one to know one, and I've disappeared when the too-heavyhanded approach has been tried on me.

Is why I asked the question I did! I was wondering if he was seeking submission or just interested in the experience from the other side of the coin. I asked because although I have no submissive urges, I have experienced a variety of sexual encounters where I was relieved of my usual position of control.

 

[Marquis]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I am going to find a pro, but I am not going to pay her.

 

[Aeroil]

Ok, I could be totally wrong here, but I just don't see someone getting into 'subspace' if they don't enjoy submitting. It'd be like me trying to get into dom space. I couldn't do it, cause being the domme would bore the living hell out of me (and most likely my sub).

I believe, grace, that Marquis has never bottomed before, he may react differently. And, I believe he never mentioned that going into subspace was his goal.

I'm more interested in getting into the bottom headspace

 

[Aeroil]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I am going to find a pro, but I am not going to pay her.

hahaha, we totally should have expected a Marquis answer eh?

 

[AAkasha]

hahaha, we totally should have expected a Marquis answer eh?

If I had a quarter for every time a sub told me, 'Oh, I'm going to find a pro femdom to dominate me, but I'm not going to pay her."**

Nice fantasy. She'll charge you extra to pretend it.

Akasha

** Edited to add: Actually, maybe he won't have to pay her -- just wash her car and do her dishes.

 

[Marquis]

If I had a quarter for every time a sub told me, 'Oh, I'm going to find a pro femdom to dominate me, but I'm not going to pay her."**

Nice fantasy. She'll charge you extra to pretend it.

Akasha

** Edited to add: Actually, maybe he won't have to pay her -- just wash her car and do her dishes.

Care to place a wager on your assertion?