How Do You...?

[KayKat]

Move on when you have ended a relationship that made you feel the best about yourself you ever have in your life, before things went south?

In my last relationship with the Master I had he made me realize things about myself that no other man had in a long time. He made me believe I was beautiful amongst other things..

Now I am back to square one feeling down and out on myself and wondering why always me? It always seems to happen to me...

Not trying for pity or anything just wondering how long does it take you to get back to feeling good about yourself?

Note...I am not saying that I need someone to validate me. Just wanted to add that as that is what it may sound like..But it isn't what I was wanting to know...

 

[SubKekiLee]

Move on when you have ended a relationship that made you feel the best about yourself you ever have in your life, before things went south?

In my last relationship with the Master I had he made me realize things about myself that no other man had in a long time. He made me believe I was beautiful amongst other things..

Now I am back to square one feeling down and out on myself and wondering why always me? It always seems to happen to me...

Not trying for pity or anything just wondering how long does it take you to get back to feeling good about yourself?

KK-
It does take awhile.. these types of relationships are harder than the typical "nilla" ones cause there is so much more depth to them I found a quote from Evil Geoff that hits the nail on the head....

Dear SKL and BiF, BH, myself (and anyone else going through the end of a relationship),

It ain't easy. There WILL be pain. How we act, or react to that pain is a measure of our character. Some will lash out. Some will suppress it. Some will weep unconsolably. Some learn to experience the pain, process it, then let it flush through their system and let it go.

The end is rarely all one person's fault. Almost always both parties contributed to the end. Needs were not met, desires were ignored, communication was broken, not enough words were spoken, or the ones that were spoken were not listened to or acted upon.

Sometimes... sometimes it's no one's fault except the demon Change that works it's awful magic on people over time, and they grow slowly apart, until one day they realize that they are living in different worlds, different circles, and what once felt like unity now feels like singularity.

We'll survive. We'll grow. And with luck, love will blossom once again.

Take your time... and do not look until your ready.. In all the conversations we have had I will tell you , YOU are beautiful and you will find someone who will treat you with the love, care and respect you deserve, desire and need...

SKL

 

[intothewoods]

If your self worth is dependent on someone else (i.e., he made you feel good about yourself), it's like a hunger that can never be sated. To a certain extent, it always sucks to feel rejected, but why do you need someone else to make you feel good about yourself?

 

[madetotakeit]

I know it's hard, but keep this in mind. You are still that woman who could feel that way about yourself. His absence does not take that away. Let yourself grieve for what is gone, but be happy for having been able to have positive experiences. Everybody takes their own time to move on. Give yourself that time but don't break who you are down in the process.

 

[KayKat]

If your self worth is dependent on someone else (i.e., he made you feel good about yourself), it's like a hunger that can never be sated. To a certain extent, it always sucks to feel rejected, but why do you need someone else to make you feel good about yourself?

I don't need anyone to make me feel needed...I wasn't saying that...

I was just saying my own self esteem about myself has plummetted through the floor

Not looking for anyone at all...

 

[KayKat]

KK-
It does take awhile.. these types of relationships are harder than the typical "nilla" ones cause there is so much more depth to them I found a quote from Evil Geoff that hits the nail on the head....



Take your time... and do not look until your ready.. In all the conversations we have had I will tell you , YOU are beautiful and you will find someone who will treat you with the love, care and respect you deserve, desire and need...

SKL

Thanks for the quote from Evil Geoff..

Thank you for being such a good friend to me SKL..it is much appreciated..And I will keep reminding myself of those things..

 

[KayKat]

I know it's hard, but keep this in mind. You are still that woman who could feel that way about yourself. His absence does not take that away. Let yourself grieve for what is gone, but be happy for having been able to have positive experiences. Everybody takes their own time to move on. Give yourself that time but don't break who you are down in the process.

Yes some days are harder then others...You are right I am stil that woman..Just have to make myself believe it..LOL...Thanks for the great advice about not breaking myself down in the process...thank you madetotakeit!

 

[intothewoods]

I don't need anyone to make me feel needed...I wasn't saying that...

I was just saying my own self esteem about myself has plummetted through the floor

Not looking for anyone at all...

I don't think you're looking for anyone. You said he made you realize you were beautiful. The key is to focus on believing in yourself, apart from any external force. Look, we all feel better when someone tells us we're attractive. And we all feel a bit crappy when we're rejected. It's normal. But when you're self esteem plummets in the face of that rejection, work on filling that back up on your own.

I take time for myself. I focus on what I like about myself, and take a look at what I don't like. I pamper myself. I read, write, knit, relax, whatever. I do yoga -- anything that centers you is good. I spend time with friends. I try and get outside of myself in some way - volunteering, helping out a friend, etc.

 

[SweetGigi]

If your self worth is dependent on someone else (i.e., he made you feel good about yourself), it's like a hunger that can never be sated. To a certain extent, it always sucks to feel rejected, but why do you need someone else to make you feel good about yourself?

I don't need anyone to make me feel needed...I wasn't saying that...

I was just saying my own self esteem about myself has plummetted through the floor

Not looking for anyone at all...

I don't think that is what she was trying to say, sweetie. What I interpreted that to mean was why did it take him showing you these things about yourself for you to see it? And why, now that he is gone, has your self esteem 'plummeted'? I know I am not one to be talking at this point, but sometimes it is easier to answer someone else's questions rather than your own.

I can understand what you are saying here and I feel for you. Hell, I'm right there with you, but you have to self actualize that HE didn't make these things in you... they were there all along. Sure, he might have shown you a door to realize them, but now that the chapter is past, don't let that door close. A wise man tells me that sometimes people are brought into our lives simply to show us things. Their presence might not last in your life, but the lessons should always remain.

Know that you are all of these things regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not. Men are luxuries, hunny, not necessities. Be the beautiful person you are whether you are with one presently or not.


*takes a dose herself and smiles thru the pain*

 

[KayKat]

I don't think you're looking for anyone. You said he made you realize you were beautiful. The key is to focus on believing in yourself, apart from any external force. Look, we all feel better when someone tells us we're attractive. And we all feel a bit crappy when we're rejected. It's normal. But when you're self esteem plummets in the face of that rejection, work on filling that back up on your own.

I take time for myself. I focus on what I like about myself, and take a look at what I don't like. I pamper myself. I read, write, knit, relax, whatever. I do yoga -- anything that centers you is good. I spend time with friends. I try and get outside of myself in some way - volunteering, helping out a friend, etc.

I have been working on doing things for myself..I love to do stuff in Paint Shop Pro and that helps me feel good to release my frustrations and build myself up from doing that.I like to be with my friends and listen to them and be there for them...I am doing things to keep myself busy and that has helped me alot...

I appreciate your feedback...Will get myself built back up..Just had a down in the dumps kind of day and had been thinking about posting this post for a while for as so many of us seem to be going through the same thing.

 

[catalina_francisco]

While ending relationships is nearly always painful, even when they were not good, self esteem and being happy independent of others and relationships are vital. Self esteem is something you can have without someone else to support it, nor without it disappearing with the absence of that person in your life. It is good when someone can make you feel better about yourself, but until you can really internalise that belief and feeling, it can disappear in a flash simply because in your inner core you didn't believe it, you didn't feel it yourself. Same can be said for happiness. Ending a relationship is going to carry varying degrees of unhappiness, but having an inner core of happiness independent of others allows you to have happiness alongside the sorrow of the relationship ending. Having that inner happiness can also work positively in relationships as you are not looking for someone to provide happiness, thus it doesn't drain the other person. Hope you feel better soon.

Catalina

 

[KayKat]

I don't think that is what she was trying to say, sweetie. What I interpreted that to mean was why did it take him showing you these things about yourself for you to see it? And why, now that he is gone, has your self esteem 'plummeted'? I know I am not one to be talking at this point, but sometimes it is easier to answer someone else's questions rather than your own.

I can understand what you are saying here and I feel for you. Hell, I'm right there with you, but you have to self actualize that HE didn't make these things in you... they were there all along. Sure, he might have shown you a door to realize them, but now that the chapter is past, don't let that door close. A wise man tells me that sometimes people are brought into our lives simply to show us things. Their presence might not last in your life, but the lessons should always remain.

Know that you are all of these things regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not. Men are luxuries, hunny, not necessities. Be the beautiful person you are whether you are with one presently or not.


*takes a dose herself and smiles thru the pain*

Gigi..Thank you so much for this..You are so right..I was those things before he came along..Just need to sit down and realize that..Sometimes it is harder then others...

I will continue to be the person I am and I will get through this..just a small bump in the road..

 

[KayKat]

While ending relationships is nearly always painful, even when they were not good, self esteem and being happy independent of others and relationships are vital. Self esteem is something you can have without someone else to support it, nor without it disappearing with the absence of that person in your life. It is good when someone can make you feel better about yourself, but until you can really internalise that belief and feeling, it can disappear in a flash simply because in your inner core you didn't believe it, you didn't feel it yourself. Same can be said for happiness. Ending a relationship is going to carry varying degrees of unhappiness, but having an inner core of happiness independent of others allows you to have happiness alongside the sorrow of the relationship ending. Having that inner happiness can also work positively in relationships as you are not looking for someone to provide happiness, thus it doesn't drain the other person. Hope you feel better soon.

Catalina

Thank you so much Cat..Your posts are always so helpful...Thank you for your words...I appreciate them so much..

 

[madetotakeit]

While ending relationships is nearly always painful, even when they were not good, self esteem and being happy independent of others and relationships are vital. Self esteem is something you can have without someone else to support it, nor without it disappearing with the absence of that person in your life. It is good when someone can make you feel better about yourself, but until you can really internalise that belief and feeling, it can disappear in a flash simply because in your inner core you didn't believe it, you didn't feel it yourself. Same can be said for happiness. Ending a relationship is going to carry varying degrees of unhappiness, but having an inner core of happiness independent of others allows you to have happiness alongside the sorrow of the relationship ending. Having that inner happiness can also work positively in relationships as you are not looking for someone to provide happiness, thus it doesn't drain the other person. Hope you feel better soon.

Catalina

Well said Cat. So many times people look to another to complete them rather than someone they can share their journey with. The key is to remember all the things you have learned and make them a part of who you are.

 

[SweetGigi]

*hugs*

we'll make it, toots... don't worry.

 

[KayKat]

*hugs*

we'll make it, toots... don't worry.

Oh yes I agree we will make it!

 

[FuckMeEyes]

Not trying for pity or anything just wondering how long does it take you to get back to feeling good about yourself?

As long as it takes for you to see yourself in your own light instead of in the light and shadows cast by others.

 

[intothewoods]

I don't think that is what she was trying to say, sweetie. What I interpreted that to mean was why did it take him showing you these things about yourself for you to see it? And why, now that he is gone, has your self esteem 'plummeted'? I know I am not one to be talking at this point, but sometimes it is easier to answer someone else's questions rather than your own.

I can understand what you are saying here and I feel for you. Hell, I'm right there with you, but you have to self actualize that HE didn't make these things in you... they were there all along. Sure, he might have shown you a door to realize them, but now that the chapter is past, don't let that door close. A wise man tells me that sometimes people are brought into our lives simply to show us things. Their presence might not last in your life, but the lessons should always remain.

Know that you are all of these things regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not. Men are luxuries, hunny, not necessities. Be the beautiful person you are whether you are with one presently or not.


*takes a dose herself and smiles thru the pain*

Thank you, Gigi.

 

[Bandit58]

I don't think that is what she was trying to say, sweetie. What I interpreted that to mean was why did it take him showing you these things about yourself for you to see it? And why, now that he is gone, has your self esteem 'plummeted'? I know I am not one to be talking at this point, but sometimes it is easier to answer someone else's questions rather than your own.

I can understand what you are saying here and I feel for you. Hell, I'm right there with you, but you have to self actualize that HE didn't make these things in you... they were there all along. Sure, he might have shown you a door to realize them, but now that the chapter is past, don't let that door close. A wise man tells me that sometimes people are brought into our lives simply to show us things. Their presence might not last in your life, but the lessons should always remain.

Know that you are all of these things regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not. Men are luxuries, hunny, not necessities. Be the beautiful person you are whether you are with one presently or not.


*takes a dose herself and smiles thru the pain*

Someone sent me this a few years ago when a relationship I was in went south. It was hard to believe at the time, but in hindsight it was so true.

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

 

[faeriefire]

In my last relationship with the Master I had he made me realize things about myself that no other man had in a long time. He made me believe I was beautiful amongst other things..

Now I am back to square one feeling down and out on myself and wondering why always me? It always seems to happen to me...

I completely understand this particular feeling and have been struggling with this for some time. I think for everyone there are certain qualities that we see as good in ourselves and other things that we don't recognize but others see immediately. I agree with what *I think* Gigi said that the qualities are there whether we see them or not. Being able to recognize them and revel in them is the challenge, especially if we aren't used to seeing ourselves through another's eyes. And sometimes it takes another to point out a characteristic, good or bad, before we can really see it in ourselves. Just remember that the quality is still there, that once you can see it you own it, it is yours. Losing the perspective of the one who saw it first hurts. I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. Just remember that you are the same wonderful person that he saw, and that his presence or absence doesn't change those wonderful qualities. I hope the experience is one that helped you learn and grow as a person. When we can embrace growth, even the painful parts we learn so much about ourselves and what we are capable of. Keep focussing on the positives and whenever you feel negative try to balance that thought with something good, something affirming. *hugs* for you. Best of luck as you work through this and decide which parts of yourself to embrace and which to set aside.

 

[KayKat]

As long as it takes for you to see yourself in your own light instead of in the light and shadows cast by others.

You are very right FuckMeEyes..Thank you

 

[KayKat]

Someone sent me this a few years ago when a relationship I was in went south. It was hard to believe at the time, but in hindsight it was so true.

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

Thank you so much for this poem..It is so very beautiful Bandit..Thanks for sharing with me..

 

[KayKat]

I completely understand this particular feeling and have been struggling with this for some time. I think for everyone there are certain qualities that we see as good in ourselves and other things that we don't recognize but others see immediately. I agree with what *I think* Gigi said that the qualities are there whether we see them or not. Being able to recognize them and revel in them is the challenge, especially if we aren't used to seeing ourselves through another's eyes. And sometimes it takes another to point out a characteristic, good or bad, before we can really see it in ourselves. Just remember that the quality is still there, that once you can see it you own it, it is yours. Losing the perspective of the one who saw it first hurts. I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. Just remember that you are the same wonderful person that he saw, and that his presence or absence doesn't change those wonderful qualities. I hope the experience is one that helped you learn and grow as a person. When we can embrace growth, even the painful parts we learn so much about ourselves and what we are capable of. Keep focussing on the positives and whenever you feel negative try to balance that thought with something good, something affirming. *hugs* for you. Best of luck as you work through this and decide which parts of yourself to embrace and which to set aside.

Faerie..thank you so much for this post...I am glad that you can understand what I was saying and were I am coming from...Thank you for the hugs..they are much appreciated...Thank you for the luck..I will be better just will take some time..

 

[minx1]

*huge hugs* what you are experiencing is completely natural and understandable. Your relationship with your M was of huge importance to you and its demise, inexplicable in a way. You were placed in a position where you had no choice but to end it.

It will take time. I have been in a similar position and not only do you have to deal with the loss of the relationship, you also have to cope with not understanding why it all went wrong, not to mention a little anger with the other person for not trying harder.


You have been given great advice hon. People are right saying that you shouldn't rely on another person to make you feel beautiful. But I don't thinks thats what you meant in your post. In any case I _know_ I should feel like that, but like you my M has unearthed some really good things in me. They were there, I just needed the catalyst in order to see.

For me, Gigi and SKL said it very well.

Take your time. Its bound to knock your confidence a little and make you feel a bit down on yourself. But those qualities he happened to stumble across or even cultivate were yours all along. They are still yours. You are not only a beautiful person, you have shown amazing strength of character.
With qualities like that there is no doubt in my mind that once you are ready you will meet someone else who makes you feel the way he did and much much more.

 

[KayKat]

*huge hugs* what you are experiencing is completely natural and understandable. Your relationship with your M was of huge importance to you and its demise, inexplicable in a way. You were placed in a position where you had no choice but to end it.

It will take time. I have been in a similar position and not only do you have to deal with the loss of the relationship, you also have to cope with not understanding why it all went wrong, not to mention a little anger with the other person for not trying harder.


You have been given great advice hon. People are right saying that you shouldn't rely on another person to make you feel beautiful. But I don't thinks thats what you meant in your post. In any case I _know_ I should feel like that, but like you my M has unearthed some really good things in me. They were there, I just needed the catalyst in order to see.

For me, Gigi and SKL said it very well.

Take your time. Its bound to knock your confidence a little and make you feel a bit down on yourself. But those qualities he happened to stumble across or even cultivate were yours all along. They are still yours. You are not only a beautiful person, you have shown amazing strength of character.
With qualities like that there is no doubt in my mind that once you are ready you will meet someone else who makes you feel the way he did and much much more.

Minx..Thank you so much for this post.*HUGS*

Yeah I have taken a knock but I will get back up and be better for it.You are right that the qualities where there..I just pushed them to the back and forgot about them..I need to bring them back forward and be the person I know I am!