how do you stay hopeful?

[pandoravampire]

Im beginning to get disheartened in my journey. Seriously doubting that i will find what i seek.
Im living in a country where the men outnumber the women. Statistically, finding a vanilla male partner at least should be easy though dull. I find females difficult to have a relationship with, males just seeming easier to walk along side.
Finding a partner with chocolate sprinkles? im becoming despondant. Im not sure what i am even, that cant help.
I would love to find someone whom i like and value enough to submit to, but ive only ever met one of those.
Others seem crass in comparison. So many assumptions, so much attitude and im backing off quicker than you can say pandoravampire.
I certainly would not have sex with someone in real life until i knew them enough to trust them to some degree, thats just me. Never would i be willing to share either myself or my play partner with others in a group or public play, yet this seems to be an assumption. I can be the biggest slut going, but only to someone i care for. Is promiscuity a pre-requisite or something?
I think that if i were vanilla, id be resting on my laurells, not looking and chanelling this energy into myself instead of my futile search for another. But my libido and need to have physical contact with another is getting in the way. Masterbation only sorts one of those out.

any suggestions of how to get through a drought?

 

[PyroDemon]

My suggestion, is just what you are doing. Talking , thinking, and looking. Nothing worth having comes easy. You can tell by the number of posts and people on Lit that finding that special person is not always a simple and easy task. I understand your plight in many ways as I have been without that part of my life for over two years. Sure, I get sex as much as I want, just not the kind I want. And of course that takes that special person. I live near one of the largest cities in America, and still have not found the one with that spark I need. Doesn't help I know, but atleast you can see you are not alone.

As for what I do to keep going goes, well I just never quit anything. Fighting uphill battles and tilting agains't windmills has always been my way. But then again, I have tended to go towards more dangerous pursuits in my activities such as faster cars and taking greater risks. So maybe that is my way of taking my mind off of that part of life for awhile and replacing it with another.

 

[FungiUg]

Im beginning to get disheartened in my journey. Seriously doubting that i will find what i seek.

Sadly, I don't have any answers for you. I've struggled with the self same problem. Namely, finding that compatible person.

A while back I posted a thread saying "I've given up." Hope can be a killer, and constantly raising my hopes only to have them dashed was seriously fucking with my head.

So basically, I just go ahead with life. If some day I do meet the person I'm looking for, then great. But until then, no one says I can't enjoy the life I already have!

 

[SubChristy]

Re: Re: how do you stay hopeful?

So basically, I just go ahead with life. If some day I do meet the person I'm looking for, then great. But until then, no one says I can't enjoy the life I already have!

i agree with that...i have been looking and have gotten very frusterated at times.
surrounding myself with my friends have helped and have kept my hope alive in finding the one that fits me. They also help me enjoy life to the fullest...exploring everything ...learning new things.
so just enjoy life...i know its tough...but have faith that it will get better.

 

[pandoravampire]

Well im definately carrying on with my life, after coming out of a LTR there is plenty to occupy me, as i search for a new home to buy for my family. Working full time, and getting out once a week to be a me the person not mum.

choice a) i thought would be to find a compatible person and introduce bdsm themes.

choice b) id thought was to find a bdsm partner to fullfill those needs.

My choice is what you suggest - to do neither. If it happens it happens.
Im still at the stage where im comparing unfavourably, potentials to my ex. Reading about bdsm, as i avidly do. That tends to feed the need as it were. Id stop this too, but ive got to have something *s*.

 

[spankableBelle]

I don't.

 

[TigerClaw]

That is a good question.

I could easily doubt or fall victim to dispair.

But I dont. One reason is because of my experience I know I am far better off and Much Happier being single then in a relationship that isnt right for me. At 45 I have a lot of opportunity to fool around but I never learned that and I will not learn it now.

I could have started up an old relationship again. That too I decided against because in the end it would have been settling. I am not out for temporary or fake. I am here to get it all. The one that sees and understands that will join me on an exciting adventure.

It may sound unrealistic but you have to know me to understand.

I have met a lot of wonderful people and I am confident I will meet her. I cant fully explain why. In the meantime I am enjoying the adventure of finding her.

 

[MissTaken]

Patience and perserverance

You just never know.

I had lost hope that I would find what I needed when I met my guy.

In fact, I had stopped looking within the BDSM communities and thought he was a nice nilla boy.

I couldnt' have been more wrong!



Many hugs to those who are waiting....

 

[pandoravampire]

I remember years and years ago, having a thrilling sexual threesome. After this, sex with two was a tad dull. But six months down the road, and id settled into 1:1 and was having fun again.
Having started this milarky, im aware that whilst sex with vanilla will suffice, its well, its just not as fullfilling.

I wonder if after waiting for a few months, my satisfaction with vanilla will go up a little? My need for D/s lessen?

Abstinance is not for me, ill take vanilla rather than nowt.

Is anyone here having a vanilla relationship in real life with bdsm on line from someone else?, if so, how does that work for you. Does the energy of one detract from the other? Does having someone on line fuelling your bdsm traits make the vanilla more or less bareable?
This is another option ive considered. But so far, on line stuff has not been successful. I can be turned off by poor grammar, spelling errors, chat room speak etc.

Perhaps i should just get out more! lol

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: That is a good question.

I could easily doubt or fall victim to dispair.

But I dont. One reason is because of my experience I know I am far better off and Much Happier being single then in a relationship that isnt right for me. At 45 I have a lot of opportunity to fool around but I never learned that and I will not learn it now.

I could have started up an old relationship again. That too I decided against because in the end it would have been settling. I am not out for temporary or fake. I am here to get it all. The one that sees and understands that will join me on an exciting adventure.

It may sound unrealistic but you have to know me to understand.

I have met a lot of wonderful people and I am confident I will meet her. I cant fully explain why. In the meantime I am enjoying the adventure of finding her.

Sounds like the approach I took and it worked. I wasn't content to settle for whatever came along, despite many friends telling me that was how it is and I had no right to hope for anything more, especially if it included 'happy ever after'. The interesting thing I found in the end was the ones who pushed me the most to settle for anyone vanilla who would want me (and were mostly people who had been in my life for many years or decades), are the ones who were the most negative about my relationship when I found it, and who I never hear from anymore despite my keeping the lines of communication open...the ones who were just sceptical but open minded enough to let me find out for myself (and are mostly people I didn't have a long history with) are the ones who have shared in my joy and are still there for me as I am for them. It is also interesting that the ones who have dropped contact are also people who have bad relationships themselves, or are bitter about their past relationships. I truly believe that if you want something bad enough, know what it is you want, it is within your power to find it no matter how far you have to look or for how long.

Catalina

 

[TigerClaw]

Re: Re: That is a good question.

OMG hon this is a Mirror for the most part of what I have gone through. I know life can be better together then most ppl think. It just takes work and communication to keep that spark going. Once the communcation is gone the relationship will die soon after.

I have met, as friends some wonderful ppl with good outlooks. I am sure the one cant be too far away.

You cant let a past relationship cloud your outlook. It only hurts you. It is not easy that is for sure. But I will not let my happiness be tarnished because of a memory.

Hon, it is nice seeing you again.

Sounds like the approach I took and it worked. I wasn't content to settle for whatever came along, despite many friends telling me that was how it is and I had no right to hope for anything more, especially if it included 'happy ever after'. The interesting thing I found in the end was the ones who pushed me the most to settle for anyone vanilla who would want me (and were mostly people who had been in my life for many years or decades), are the ones who were the most negative about my relationship when I found it, and who I never hear from anymore despite my keeping the lines of communication open...the ones who were just sceptical but open minded enough to let me find out for myself (and are mostly people I didn't have a long history with) are the ones who have shared in my joy and are still there for me as I am for them. It is also interesting that the ones who have dropped contact are also people who have bad relationships themselves, or are bitter about their past relationships. I truly believe that if you want something bad enough, know what it is you want, it is within your power to find it no matter how far you have to look or for how long.

Catalina

 

[brokenhallelujah]

looking and not finding

I hear you. I think most every one of us does.

And I think you are completely right to stop looking. When you are where you need to be, doing and being what you should be, things have a way of coming together.

It certainly has happened that way for me, and a vast majority of the people I know.

As for hope... eeh. I don't know what to say to that one. As the wise Ms. Emily D. observed, hope is a double edged sword.

I think you are on the right track though.

Hang in there.

 

[pandoravampire]

Yeah, ive stopped looking.
And to celebrate that, im off out for a girls night out.
Im house hunting to begin my new life, i seriously have to get out of this house! The memories are everywhere, making it hard to move on from my thoughts.
I dont think i can find someone, but i can build me and mine a life thats full of fun, and have adventures along the way for myself.
That'll do me.
thankyou for your support, i wobble sometimes. but today the sun is shining, im off work till tomorrow night, and allready cant wait to dance till dawn and sleep like the dead on my return home.