How do you make time for everything?

[Rox_shybutcurious]

This is probably not the first question you might expect from a newbie, but how do you make time to incorporate all of this into your daily lives. I mean I understand if you're already in a day to day, 24/7 type relationship so it's already a part of most everything you do. But if you're not in this situation or just starting out how do you fit everything in with the rest of your responsibilities. i.e. cooking, cleaning, paying bills, taking care of kids, house, animals, etc., etc.

Even beyond the whole concept of figuring things out I find it very daunting to think of trying to make room for anymore activities in my life. Then again maybe it just means I'm not ready to try and make that happen. (some self pondering there I guess)

Rox.

 

[CutieMouse]

Yay you asked a question!

My short answer is that you make time for it, the same way you make time for any relationship. There are plenty of ways to incorporate BDSM into daily activities, that aren't disruptive... one could argue that wearing a specific pair of shoes, or panties (or not), making a phonecall/sending an email at a predetermined time, or spending X amount of time every day working towards a personal goal of self-improvement, is all part of fitting kink into one's daily Life.

And now, I must get back to juggling work, the cat, bills, not eating too much Halloween candy, tidying house...

 

[catalina_francisco]

As CutieMouse said, it is no different to making time for any relationship in your life. Whether it be D/s or vanilla, they all require effort and time to give them half a chance of success. If you are dating in a D/s sense, it basically means that instead of going back after dinner and a movie for straight sex, you might be going back to their place or yours for a session which might or might not include sex.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

This is probably not the first question you might expect from a newbie, but how do you make time to incorporate all of this into your daily lives. I mean I understand if you're already in a day to day, 24/7 type relationship so it's already a part of most everything you do. But if you're not in this situation or just starting out how do you fit everything in with the rest of your responsibilities. i.e. cooking, cleaning, paying bills, taking care of kids, house, animals, etc., etc.

Even beyond the whole concept of figuring things out I find it very daunting to think of trying to make room for anymore activities in my life. Then again maybe it just means I'm not ready to try and make that happen. (some self pondering there I guess)

Rox.

It's a question of priorities and setting them... just like anything else that happens in your life.

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

Thanks for your responses everybody.

Cutiemouse, I just took a deep breath and said the heck with this stalling, full speed ahead, damn the torpedoes.... or some such thing....LOL Thanks....


I guess it just feels like this would be so much more than a vanilla relationship. More time, more thought, more emotion..... But maybe that's just a perception, or more likely a misperception, based on not having any real experience.

Rox.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks for your responses everybody.

Cutiemouse, I just took a deep breath and said the heck with this stalling, full speed ahead, damn the torpedoes.... or some such thing....LOL Thanks....


I guess it just feels like this would be so much more than a vanilla relationship. More time, more thought, more emotion..... But maybe that's just a perception, or more likely a misperception, based on not having any real experience.

Rox.

*smiles*

For me, it has meant more time though I'm not in a 24/7 D/s relationship with my husband. Our sessions of sexual pleasure have increased in the time it takes since we began trying D/s. When we have a scene it's liable to last around two hours or more, something our son has mentioned often to us. Whereas before it could be quite a quick vanilla thing with our busy schedules.

I've found it does take more thought for me and my husband, particularly on the part of the person topping. When you are passionate and hungry for something like this though, you make the time.

I have felt much more trust, communication and closeness emotionally with him, whereas he just feels like we are having great kinky sex and nothing else has changed much.

*shrugs*

I think the difference with him is partly just being male and partly defensive for our relationship up to that point. He knows as I do that we've always had a good relationship. In a way I think he'd feel like he was running down what we've always had by agreeing it was deeper now. I don't agree but I love him, so what can you do?

*chuckles*

Fury

 

[NemoAlia]

Yep, making plans (or at least knowing when you could scene if you wanted to) with your partner, and also seizing a few minutes here and there. There's time enough, in most cases, to get a little bit of D/s into your daily life.

For example, as we were getting donning shoes and jackets to go grocery shopping the other day, my dominant had me raise my skirt, drop my panties, and take 30 (big liar, he said twelve!) strokes with a cane. We were glowing the whole time we were at the store!

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

*smiles*

I have felt much more trust, communication and closeness emotionally with him, whereas he just feels like we are having great kinky sex and nothing else has changed much.


Fury

Thanks Fury, and there brings up another question. Does a D/s relationship require more trust than a vanilla one? Not just physically, but emotionally as well?

And if I should create a new thread for that please let me know as I still would be interested in responses to my initial question.


Thanks,
Rox.



Man, I hear some of the questions in my head and they sound so basic and probably involve more common sense than anything. I feel like I sound totally young and naive. Kind of like a teenager that asks how do you know you're in love....LOL What are you supposed to say to something like that beyond you have to experience for yourself.

 

[chris9]

Thanks for your responses everybody.

Cutiemouse, I just took a deep breath and said the heck with this stalling, full speed ahead, damn the torpedoes.... or some such thing....LOL Thanks....


I guess it just feels like this would be so much more than a vanilla relationship. More time, more thought, more emotion..... But maybe that's just a perception, or more likely a misperception, based on not having any real experience.

Rox.

Maybe, and I'm just throwing this out there as I have no personal experience in a D/s relationship, based on what I've seen/heard, it's about -hm, how to say it?- 'quality' of a relationship. From my reading here I believe that most people into D/s have put more thought into the why and how of their nature, and somehow seem to understand better what is needed to have a successful relationship than the 'normal vanilla'. If there is the power exchange going on, one partner needs to know as much as possible about the other, and the other has to trust the one very much. This requires lots of time and energy. It also seems that D/s people in general spend more time figuring out what they need in a partner, and then more time to find this partner.
I do know that a good relationship requires 'work', time and energy, interest in each other, honest communication which again requires time and energy, but also having fun with each other, whether sexual or 'innocent'. It's not always easy. I know that my relationship suffers if one of us or both don't have the time to spend with each other. It's strong enough that it can stand stressful times and be 'boosted' again afterwards, but I do feel that it's not as close, deep as it is when we can invest more time into it. In my relationship we usually combine stuff. Like we eat dinner together every night (if possible) and talk. This can be everyday stuff, but ever so often it's more 'deep' relationship stuff. Sometimes we take an morning/afternoon/evening for talking, not planned, it just happens. With sex it's the same. Sometimes we have time for long sex, sometimes for short. Both usually involve some BDSM element ( ), but from knowing it both with and without, it doesn't really take longer to include them.

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

So maybe more thought about wants and needs going in, but not necessarily more work than any other relationship?


Rox.

 

[chris9]

So maybe more thought about wants and needs going in, but not necessarily more work than any other relationship?


Rox.

Maybe more awareness that this work is needed to maintain the relationship.

 

[bustyblondebombshell]

For example, as we were getting donning shoes and jackets to go grocery shopping the other day, my dominant had me raise my skirt, drop my panties, and take 30 (big liar, he said twelve!) strokes with a cane. We were glowing the whole time we were at the store!

What a nice way to incorporate it into your daily routine, rather than fitting the daily routine into D/s....

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks Fury, and there brings up another question. Does a D/s relationship require more trust than a vanilla one? Not just physically, but emotionally as well?

And if I should create a new thread for that please let me know as I still would be interested in responses to my initial question.


Thanks,
Rox.



Man, I hear some of the questions in my head and they sound so basic and probably involve more common sense than anything. I feel like I sound totally young and naive. Kind of like a teenager that asks how do you know you're in love....LOL What are you supposed to say to something like that beyond you have to experience for yourself.

I got into a HUGE debate about this once in another thread with someone but my attitude hasn't changed and it comes from my experiences. In my opinion a committed D/s relationship will of necessity, require more communication and more trust than most vanilla relationships.

That is not to say that there can't be enormous trust and wonderful communication in a non D/s relationship. I believe there can be. There was in ours before all this.

That's is also not my way of putting down "regular" relationships. It's just been my experience that I've felt we opened up in ways we previously hadn't and because of that extra communication about sometimes difficult topics, and the sometimes dangerous activities we added into our lives our trust in each other grew at it had to. Again this is only my opinion based on my experiences.

Your questions sound fine to me, not immature or any of that, btw.

Lately I don't have the time, energy or creativity to make things happen. Therefore, he has to be the one to push for any form of sex. (Am interesting side effect for me, is seeing how much he cares to make things happen and just exactly what he does make happen. I will say even in this I've seen some "progress" from my formerly reluctant, "I don't understand BDSM partner." ) We haven't had a really good scene since we were at the beach. I'm too fucking tired to care much. In fact, I feel a lack of great caring about much right now.

In any committed relationship, I thing partners are going to be "off" sometimes. I think we have to be patient with them and ourselves during those times even when we hate that it has to be that way.

Again, I'll say I do think it takes a little more thought and work to set up and schedule the scenes, at least for us it does. It sure beats the hell out of wham bam thank you sex, which I also enjoy a great deal
mind you . . .*chuckles*

Fury

 

[Musing]

I'm in an LDR (long distance relationship) right now. When we do see each other, often for a week at a time, we have set aside time to be together. On the other hand we still both have to work and eat and live around that.

I agree with Fury that more trust is needed and that it develops naturally over time. More communication is needed in order to build trust and my Sir and I find we can spend almost as much time talking about a scene as the scene took itself if we have a rainy day free to spend together that way.

Text messaging is lots of fun because you can swap kinky thoughts during the day and be fired up already when you see each other in the evening. I know a couple who even do this around the house so the kids don't catch him threatening her with the spanking of her life. The same goes for kinky note writing. Notes can be left in places you will look but your kids won't (underwear drawer saying 'don't bother today' for example).

I don't have kids but my Sir lives in a shared house and we've found a lot can be accomplished simply by gagging me. (i'm useless at being silent, willing sub or no).

If you both use email that can be abused whenever possible.

I suppose it's all about looking for opportunities and taking them. Sure the house needs keeping and the kids need feeding and so on but there are times when you can seize the moment and leave the dishes for later (better still, delegate).

They say hunger is the best seasoning - well I think that goes double for sex

 

[subtleone]

Rox,
As someone who has very recently plunged headlong into a full on D/s relationship I just wanted to let you know that the time has just 'found' itself. Maybe my television, reading and Internet time has been cut down somewhat...but as these are all things that I did for predominantly entertainment value, I have not really lost out. I am being very entertained just with (and for) Master rather than for myself. I am sure it is much healthier for our relationship, as others have said, not only are we spending more time together in a joint pursuit but also our levels of communication have gone up considerably. Obviously I am still in a 'honeymoon' period but my advice would be just go for it. Oh! and maybe buy a stronger brand of coffee and louder alarm clock
Have fun x

 

[coy_one]

Another vote for the "you make time" category.

We incorporate it into our daily lives somehow. For us, I'd say the single easiest way was that Master wants me to dress a certain way - no pants - all skirts and dresses with preferably stockings and no panties so I am always accessible to him. Admittedly, going to work like that kind of keeps me in a happy mood all day. Just that naughty little secret of knowing that I'm bare assed just really adds to the day.

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

Wow, thank you all for your responses. You’ve given me much to think about.

NemoAlia, Subtleone, Coy_one, Cutiemouse – I like the ideas of bringing D/s elements into your daily life. And of trading off a little time away from various pursuits to create the time.

Subtleone – good luck on your new relationship. And thanks for the advise about the alarm clock. I’m sure building something new as you are would definitely be worth a little less sleep.

Musing and Fury – thanks for your comments on trust.

Musing – have you found that LD has made it easier or harder to develop the trust in your relationship?

Fury – I don’t believe you’re putting down any other types of relationships. All have a certain level of trust. Be it a coworker to friendship to lover to life partner. And I’m not entirely sure why I feel a D/s relationship would need more trust. Maybe because there is inherently a higher degree of vulnerability. To meet the wants and needs of your partner and yourself I think you have to understand them at a closer level than you would for a typical relationship. Not that you can't develop that in other relatioships as well, but it’s been my observation that it’s not as needed to have it continue.

I don’t want to start a big debate, but would be interested in some other opinions on the trust issue. I’m thinking about posing it as a separate question.

And I can certainly understand going through a “funk” period. Sometimes the stress of everything in our lives gets to a point of draining all the energy and spark that makes us feel like ourselves. I’m sure you’ll be feeling much better soon and something will cross your path, catch your interest and hopefully perk you right up.


Rox.