How do you know if BDSM is right for you and your relationship?

[Statues]

I've been with my partner for well over 2 years now, and up until a few months ago a lot of our sex life was D/s, and very kinky.
I was the submissive, and he the dominant - only in the bedroom as we both liked it that way.

But a few months ago during play, I passed out for a short period of time because I wasn't able to breathe. He hadn't realised that I couldn't breathe, and when I collapsed we were both scared, even though I was fine - no harm done, I was only unconscious for 1 minute and there were no marks on me.

As I said it scared me, and I told him I wanted to take a break from all of the kinky stuff for a while. That was about 5 months ago and we've been vanilla ever since.

I spoke to him about his thoughts, about what had happened, how our sex had changed and what he wanted. For me, in some ways I think that being vanilla has made our sex life better, there's more connection between us, and it's more spontaneous because no one has to set up any ropes - and that was one of the things I told him. He agreed, for the most part. He said it was a relief that he didn't always have to be kinky, and he'd told me before that I had liked BDSM more than he had. But he still liked doing it and at some point would like to do it again. I made the decision that I would leave it up to him to restart things.

That was about 5 months ago and he's not done anything or spoken about it since, and I'm really starting to want something rougher

He feels that the BDSM aspects of our sex life were just for fun and sexy games, whereas I feel that it's a more serous part of my life - it's more meaningful and significant to me.


So now I'm wondering, just because he is the right man for me and I'm completely in love and committed to him - that doesn't make him the right dominant for me.
Just because something bad happened once, should I still trust him in similar situations?
When it clearly means different things to both of us - how can this become a satisfactory part of both of our lives? Would it better to just leave things vanilla?
Perhaps we could try with him being submissive instead - how would I convince him, even though I'm certain he deserves a spanking?
How do I stop overthinking this?

I can't be the only person who has ever wondered about how to make BDSM successfully work in a relationship.
I would love if any one could shed any light on this, or any advice, or if anyone has had a similar experience and how it worked out?

 

[Bandicoot007]

Talk to your partner. Trust, respect and communication are cornerstones of this lifestyle. Don't be afraid of taking the first step in opening a line of communication even if you're the bottom/sub/slave, etc. Believe it or not, a Top/Dom/Masters has no power unless you give it to us. Good luck on your journey. Feel free to ask me any questions you may have.

Bandicoot

 

[SpunThings]

Does it have to be all or nothing? We aren't vanilla but almost all our sex requires no prep and is spontaneous. Can't you slowly add things back in? Is there a way you can be kinky without him having to do so much work?

As for the trust thing, you recognize that we're all human. Mistakes happen, and stuff happens when you're doing risky play. You decide for yourself if the risk is worth it.

 

[MastersDelight]

Talk to him, tell him you're craving something rougher. As SpunThings said, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. If you're feeling nervous you need to discuss it with him and let him know your concerns with getting into a similar situation. Or see how things can be done to be safer. If you were bound and in a situation where you couldn't speak or signal a safe word when things became too intense, a drop signal could be helpful. Hold a ball or a scarf, you drop it to safe word out. When he's topping he should pay close attention to the object in hand and know immediately when it's dropped. Just like every relationship it's a matter of compromise. You have to talk and decide where you each want to draw the line, negotiate to find common ground, then decide if you can live with that compromise or not.

 

[Primalex]

When it clearly means different things to both of us - how can this become a satisfactory part of both of our lives?

You had satisfactory kinky bedroom fun and satisfactory vanilla bedroom fun. You are way ahead of many couples.

There doesn't seem to be a problem to ramp the kinky parts up and down per se, you seem to be more worried about how your partner reacts when you would tell him that you wouldn't mind an occassional ramp up again...?

 

[fun_size_sub]

You had satisfactory kinky bedroom fun and satisfactory vanilla bedroom fun. You are way ahead of many couples.

There doesn't seem to be a problem to ramp the kinky parts up and down per se, you seem to be more worried about how your partner reacts when you would tell him that you wouldn't mind an occassional ramp up again...?

I like how you worded this. I guess I should view my marriage relationship the same way, and consider myself very lucky.

To the OP, I have been with my Husband for 20 years, and married for 16. I was just starting to explore/understand my submissive desires, wants, and needs in the couple of years before we were married. At this point we were living 900 miles apart. As this was prior to the days when everyone had cell phones, we wrote letters black and forth and emailed frequently. Rather than just coming out and explaining my proclivities, I attempted to address the issue in a somewhat passive-aggressive manner via fantasies we often wrote to one another. I guess I was embarrassed, and now know this wasn't the best way to approach things.

Just last night He willingly took the BDSM test at bdsmtest.org, and we compared results. He-not unexpectedly-scored much higher in the "vanilla" category than I, but it also revealed a higher-than-he-expected dominant score. This did not surprise me at all. He also scored high in the "switch" category. We are in the process of trying to have open and frank discussions regarding how to both be satisfied. As of right now, he believes he is failing to please/satisfy me sexually because of these differences, which is not true. I am willing to compromise to make Him happy, as well.

I think an open and transparent discussion is probably what you and your SO need. My husband was initially worried about what including BDSM would mean, thanks largely to mainstream misunderstanding, and porn misrepresentation, of BDSM. For me personally, I am more turned on if things naturally transpire vs elaborate scene set-up, etc.

I think I might be belaboring the point, and I hope this all makes sense.

 

[Statues]

You seem to be more worried about how your partner reacts when you would tell him that you wouldn't mind an occassional ramp up again...?

It's not the ramp up that worries me, or telling him that. Of course communication is the key to everything, we wouldn't have gotten anywhere if we hadn't done any of this. I've spoken to him a number of times about different aspects of this. The problem is he hasn't initiated anything. Of course I could tell him I want him to, but then I'm not getting the sub fantasy feeling if I'm telling him what to do.

It's him initiating things and becoming involved in the real aspects of this that are missing. And that worries me because I know that I'm more invested in this, I want this more than he does. And because of that, I'm concerned that he may not be a good dominant. Or if he is, then he might not be the right dominant for me.

I'm very worried about how he might react to that. He has a history of depression/bipolar and when we first got together he was insecure. I've spent years building up his confidence - in himself and in me.
To ramp things up and try and find a compromise, and for that to then not work would be crushing for both of us. I would take that risk, if it was just me that I risked hurting, but it's his pain that's at stake. And he can't be willing to risk it if hasn't initiated anything, even a conversation about anything.

It's all been one sided, coming from me.

Is any of this a tell tale sign that maybe this just isn't right for us?

 

[KayceeCharles]

Buy yourselves a book on kinks and go over what would be safe to try for both of you, and ramp up SLOWLY. A LITTLE spanking (palm only) a little bondage (scarves), etc.