How do you go about starting a secret affair?

[secrecy72]

To start, I am married and have a shitty sex life. Basically if she is not drunk, we dont do anything but the missionary position. BORING!!!!! Before we got married we did it all now its only when we drink, which isnt very often. I dont plan on leaving her, but I sure could use a sex driven, desirable woman to fullfill my much needed sexual emptiness. Any Ideas on how to get a very discret affair started and where to find women like that???secrecy72@hotmail.com

 

[theFlash]

FIrst

Dont ever post on a public site..that would be my first suggestion..dont mean to be rude..but the walls have eyes and ears

 

[quilesed]

I totally agree with the flash

 

[secrecy72]

I got the eyes and ears covered so to speak. Ive had this alias for many years now and even had a few online affairs before if that is possible. But its time to move to something a tad more personal, yet extremely unattached.

Still looking for IDEAS???

 

[SexyChele]

Well, the only thing I will say that might be personal, is that I sincerely hope you have weighed all the consequences of your potential actions, and how it could impact your marriage. I was involved in something like this, and it destroyed 3 lives, plus involving 2 children. (and, yes, I know EVERY married man says, "yes, I won't let that happen in MY case". *sigh*)

That said....

You are looking for ideas? I would try a free service like Adult Friend Finder. You might have some luck there. But if you find me? Just keep moving along ~

 

[ccb2]

Chele, first off I have to say I'm a big fan of yours.....that said, I wonder what your reponse would have been had secrecy72 been a woman? Your statement "think of what it will do to your marriage", do you think his wife asks herself that when it comes to denying intimate/sexual relations with her husband? You know the old saying "if he or she got it at home, he/she wouldn't be out looking for it". I speak from experience, past and present, I have been faithful for years but now find myself asking "what the hell is wrong with me?", all marriages have their ups and downs, so if it's a "couple of months" denial or just lacking - then fine, suck it up and bring a penthouse into the bathroom with you (not bad, but after awhile you realize no matter how hard you wish, she's not gonna be springing out of the page for you), not too mention the lack of personal touch. I say this to secrecy72 - have a very candid conversation with your wife, and tell her if things don't change, exactly what does she expect you to do? Go without for the rest of your marriage? Put the burden on her...let her ponder the circumstances....I agree that an ongoing affair is not the best solution....but if she refuses to address the issue, you may have no other choice.

 

[theFlash]

MMM

Well i dont mean to sound like someone to tell u what to do...but for my own personaly beliefs..I think cheating for any reason is wrong. If you cant tell your wife how u feel then the two of you are not communicating properly. Tell her how u feel about your sex life. Dont YELL it at her..tell it to her. I am not married..though i already know whom i will marry. I left her cause i felt i needed to be with other women. She was my first and only..i have had many. She understood this and still cares for me. Wheather she is there when im ready..well thats a risk i need to take. But i REFUSED to cheat on her. I have had it done to me by others and let me tell u it is one of the worst feelings in the world to be betrayed.PLease all i ask is that u really go all routes before u chooose the easy one. well hope i made sense some way shape or form..take care..

 

[SexyChele]

Chele, first off I have to say I'm a big fan of yours.....that said, I wonder what your reponse would have been had secrecy72 been a woman? Your statement "think of what it will do to your marriage", do you think his wife asks herself that when it comes to denying intimate/sexual relations with her husband? You know the old saying "if he or she got it at home, he/she wouldn't be out looking for it". I speak from experience, past and present, I have been faithful for years but now find myself asking "what the hell is wrong with me?", all marriages have their ups and downs, so if it's a "couple of months" denial or just lacking - then fine, suck it up and bring a penthouse into the bathroom with you (not bad, but after awhile you realize no matter how hard you wish, she's not gonna be springing out of the page for you), not too mention the lack of personal touch.

First, thank you for the warm words - they are appreciated!

Second, it doesn't matter to me if secrecy72 were a man or a woman. I would still be against an affair. Granted, I've never been married, but I have been "the other woman", so I speak from the perspective of a woman who gets emotionally tied to a man who is unavailable. And, no, neither one of us thought when it all started that we would become emotionally involved, but it happens.

One of the things I learned, from my experience, was that when he said he "wasn't getting any at home", what he really meant was he "wasn't getting as much as he wanted at home." Yet, on the flip side, he became very possesive of me, and if "disappeared" for a day or so he would go into jealous rages and come looking for me. In other words - he could have his cake and eat it, too. I was expected to be at his beck and call 24/7 - well, except holidays when he had to be with his family and all.

I'm the one who received voice messages from his wife, crying, asking me why I was doing this to her, to another woman. In turn, I would get upset, and that would affect him - and he and his wife would have another argument.

The turning point came when, unable to find him, his wife called my apartment and put their 4 year old son on the phone to ask me if his "daddy" was there. That was the end. I couldn't go on after that - even though he flew into a rage and his wife called and left a tearful apology on my answering machine.

Did they have other problems beside sex? Oh, yes! Most marriages in which one or both spouses are seeking outside fulfillment have symptoms of deeper problems between husband and wife.

I did break off the affair, and later he made certain to call me to tell me I had be "replaced". I felt sorry for the whole lot of them, and thankful I was no longer involved.

I've never felt more "dirty", cheap, and used than I did during that period of time. People enter into affairs because they truly feel they are going to get something they don't have already. And, yes, you do get that. But there can be a whole host of other problems waiting for those involved as well. It is wise to consider the entire situation, not just the immediate encounter.

And I would say the same to a husband or a wife.

If secrecy72 wants to have an affair, that is his business. He will do as he pleases. Will it solve any problems he may be having in his marriage? Chances are very good that it will not. He may find himself encumbered with another woman who is demanding his time and attention, not to mention dealing with feelings of jealousy. This true if he selects a woman who is single or married. But I wish him well on his quest - we all have our own decisions to make, and I've been accused or moralizing this issue before.

Actually, I would prefer your advice be taken very seriously. Talk, communicate, counseling if necessary. There may be a valid reason, in his wife's mind, as to why sexual relations have ceased or are not what they once were. I find it amazing that 2 people can live together, share goals, have children, own a home, and never truly communicate. Yet, I know it happens all the time, and that is the true travesty in such a situation.

 

[Max27]

Man, you never got your answer did u?

you came up with a question and everyone answered with their opinion of what you should do.

I do know where you are coming from and it is not easy and perhaps you have tried to talk to her about it. they do have good points about why it is a bad idea but I bet you have considered them too. Basically, it is your decision.

you posted to learn how to have an affair or hell,, get some sex.
for whatever reason, the online things did not work out. maybe too far away or maybe they were really just gay men messing with you. LOL!
the personals (adult friendfinder, sexyads.net -good one, lavalife.com, sexontheside.com) do work. but there are millions of guys just like you in them looking for the same thing.

one of the best ways is the old fashion way. direct, face to face.
question- do you travel for your job, or whatever? being away is the best time to play.
if staying local. you have to be careful with people you know. it will get sticky and uncomfortable. don't mess with her friends or your friend's wives. not good.

but believe me, there are many MARRIED women who are interested in the same thing. you just have to be attune to their signals. women will have wandering eyes too
here is an idea. you have the anonymous email addy right? well, it public place, as you go about your life- flirt.
grocery stores are full of women, one of them has to be horny!
bars, events, libraries, laudrymats- i've been hit on more in laundry mats than in bars!
it is as easy as making eye contact, starting with some innocent conversation. again, be careful and don't be an idiot. six degrees of seperation thing. somebody knows somebody who knows your wife. so don't start acting like a pervert. you can say a lot with your eyes and deny it all.

so after a little light chatter, maybe a few inneundoes and light remarks about 'frustrations' or 'having fun', test for a reaction. Believe me, women understand these things. they know why a strange guy is talking to them.

then just ask if they email- you don't have to ask for their addy unless they seem interested, but just write down your addy on a piece of paper and slip it to them. maybe mention that you like to write stories. how aggressive you are will depend on their reaction. just let them know that you hope they write.

if they do, bam. if they send it from work or a family address maybe mention for them to use a personal, free one from one of the many sites. start with simple,polite stuff. edge toward etrotic stories and then start talking about meeting again. like a discreet road or top of parking deck. they will know what you mean.

read the "how to" stories and threads on extra matrital affairs. they give suggestions on keeping is secret.

basically, finding a woman for an affair is not much different than finding one single. I know the women like confident men that are not assholes. be polite, be direct and let them know that you are very attracted to them..
whether they bite or not, they will be glad you asked.

let us know how it works out!

 

[secrecy72]

Impressive!!!!!

I must say that I am truly impressed on how powerful, this site is for both sides of the story. I didnt not expect to get any kind of intelligent responses from here. But I sure did. More so than I ever imagined.

To be honest with you, I would never do such a thing and neither would my wife. We do have a great sex life and a much greater sense of communication. The reason I had asked was to get some unbiased opinions from people who know nothing about me or the person I am asking this question for. And to see how much people are willing to help one another out in times of certain needs. I have a good friend who I dont care much for their spouse. Frankly I think if that spouse was dead my friend would be better off. So needless to say I am way biased toward him/her cheating. I must say that some people deserve to be cheated on. However after reading these fine responses, I think I have a difference of opinion. Yes it would be great to hurt my friends spouse, however like I read you also will hurt the "other" person as well. I never thought of it that away.

As far as kids go, none are involved(thank god, I could not imagine my friend's spouse helping in bringing in another like themselves). So I think my friend will just have to work it out themself, or leave. Which I said to do all along, but my friend is "in love" and who am I to say otherwise. So now I have the unfortunate pleasure of keeping my friend straight, because being faithful must be the right thing to do.

Well, I thought(and yes thats what I get for thinking) it would take a few weeks or even a month to get educated opinions of both sides of this problem. I am surprise it happened so fast. I have all I need and I kinda wanted to stick around a little longer. Maybe I can find another problem to find answers too.

Thanks again and look for my next great question!!!! This was fun and I will be back.

 

[Carla Regon]

I want to compliment all the people who responded to this query. Your attention and helpfulness is simply marvelous. You are all to be commended.

My rule about affairs is simple - NO married men - Period. It's worked for me for 40 years.

 

[SamMalone]

Great advice!

I just wanted to tell everyone and especially SexyChili and Max 27 that their answer were great.

You sound like a cool lady there Sexy!

 

[SamMalone]

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Ummmm