How do you get over self doubt?

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

I've never been good at anything. At least according to my Mother. My sister though, she was perfect at everything.

Anyway, is it possible to ever get confident in your ability to write?
I recently deleted all my stories here because I felt they weren't good enough for anyone to bother to read them. I've had a couple emails asking why I deleted them and if I plan on posting them again somewhere, especially my series No Such Thing As Time, and when I get those emails I feel guilty for deleting them and think well maybe when I finish the last few chapters I'll post the whole thing, and then I think I can't do that because I'll still think it's so poorly written, such a stupid storyline, just not worth reading.

So is it possible to be able to change your mindset when you're in your 50s and your whole life you've been told nothing you ever is worthy?

 

[Rustyoznail]

So is it possible to be able to change your mindset when you're in your 50s and your whole life you've been told nothing you ever is worthy?

Tough, but possible. PM sent.

Our PM is a real dip shit so you can have him...

 

[SamScribble]

Get over self doubt? I'm not sure that you ever can. Unless you are total idiot, of course.

 

[yukonnights]

I've worked with you off site enough to know you're worthy — not just as an author, but also as a person. I'm not a psychologist, but I do read. It seems that early childhood trauma — and yes, if what you say is accurate, it is trauma — but this early "bad talk" (brainwashing) from someone as important as your mother is bound to have a lasting impact. So there is that. It's real and it's sticky hard to get rid of. No one can solve that one here.

But in regard to your writing. You've got fans who disagree with you. I disagree with you. I think we as writers/authors are not the best to decide if our work is worthy. I just get too close to it and see my every weakness. And then, there's always gonna be that other guy who does it better. So, bottom line; your opinion about your writing isn't worth much.

Beyond that though; Why do we write? It's not for the money. It's not for the fame. It's not even to be a worthy author (whatever worthy might mean). I write because it's an outlet and an avenue to explore some bit of creative desire. It's also opened up here as a way to make friends (mysterious ethereal friends maybe, but friends nonetheless) — you know, sorta like you

Anyway, I'm not worthy to offer advice...hopefully someone better will come along and say something meaningful. And maybe it's just winter blues we're all suffering from. ~

 

[Handley_Page]

I've never been good at anything. At least according to my Mother. My sister though, she was perfect at everything.
.
.
So is it possible to be able to change your mindset when you're in your 50s and your whole life you've been told nothing you ever is worthy?

Was she - really ?
Do not sell yourself short. You DO havea talent.
Does your sister write like you ?

Chin up; you're worth it.

 

[Blind_Justice]

How do I get over self-doubt? I don't. There are days when I'm sitting at my desk wondering why I even bother. Despite all the red H's. The nagging question of "If I can't stand this crap, how can anyone else?" is a constant companion.

But then I get a nice comment or two and for a few days, everything looks fine again.

CwM, if someone tells you "You're worth nothing", kindly excuse yourself and get a second opinion. I'm pretty sure your husband and kids think you're the most important thing ever.

As for measuring your writing success - the fact people are actually sending you messages and inquire what happened to your stories should be a huge affirmation of your talents. Considering how few readers can be bothered to leave a comment to begin with.

Be proud of what you have accomplished! Putting your soul into your stories and publishing them for all to see takes balls. There are enough artists who can't deal with the heat and fly into fits if someone dares to criticize them. What's a bit of nerves in comparison?

I had your "Serendipity" series slated for reading. Put it back up, okay? Pretty please?

 

[Bramblethorn]

I feel ya. Perfectionism is hard to overcome.

Listening to readers is helpful, and I also try to remind myself - it's okay to write bad stories sometimes. This is an amateur forum, not a paying gig nor the Library of Congress - it's exactly the right place for people to be posting all that rough-edged stuff and learning by experiment.

 

[Jada59]

You just have to believe in yourself. I grew up being told that I was never good enough but my brother was perfect. It wasn't true. I knew that. I didn't let my mom get to me. She's in her 80's now and still takes digs. That's just how she is.

 

[SimonDoom]

I don't know if one gets over self-doubt. I experience it all the time. If anyone here has an answer for eliminating it, please share it.

I think the solution is to learn to cope with it, put it in perspective, and not let it become debilitating. You have to learn to focus on the good.

Some part of you enjoyed writing stories and publishing them here, or you wouldn't have done so. I know, for myself, that however much I like getting praise from others for my stories the most satisfying thing is that feeling I have when the story is done and I hit the submit button. Nothing anybody tells me can give me more satisfaction than that. Nobody can take that away.

You can improve your mindset to some degree by taking positive actions and focusing on what makes them positive to you. I'd recommend going through one of your stories again, maybe edit it if you want to make it better, and repost it. Go through your stories and repost them, one by one. Learn to enjoy the act of creation quite apart from whether it draws praise from others. Your approval of yourself is much more important than that of your mother.

 

[macymadison]

Having one of those mothers too, after a lot of therapy and what not, I’ve come to realize it was always about her and not me. That holds true for anyone who has to belittle another human being. It’s easy to be weak and hurt someone else because you’re hurting. It requires much more strength to be kind.

Be kind to yourself. And it sounds as though you have quite the cheering section here.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Put your stories back up, Coffee, is what I'd do.

Trust your readers, listen to what they say. Hell, pay attention to what your colleagues here are saying - we may be the most assorted bunch of ratbags, prima donnas and class clowns on the planet, but you'll notice one thing in common: not a single person agrees with this unfounded notion of yours that your work is worthless.

Also, I very much doubt your sister is superior to you in every way - there's only room for one Mary Poppins in this world (although granted, it's taken two actresses to play her).

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Do you think people would be taking the time to email you if they didn't like your stories? That they're curious means they have some value associated with them.

IE - you done good. To hell with what others may have said in the past. The emails are showing you what they think of your stuff at the very least.

And then there's all the rest of the responses on this thread of yours. THEY think you have talent and are happy to say so.

It's hard, changing your self-perception. There're people out there who can help you with that if you look for 'em. But at least realize that people here think you've got worth.

Me? I honestly haven't read any of your stories, sorry about that - but I've been impressed by your responses hither and yon on this forum at the very least.

 

[Liethra]

...

To start with the most essential: Yes, it is possible to change the mindset, even when you're old. It might demand more work the older you get, but it's never impossible. The brain is a wonderful, malleable thing.

Beyond that, I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. That kind of prolonged treatment by anyone, especially family, leaves a lot of marks and unhealthy patterns. It ruins your self esteem and confidence, which can be really hard to rebuild. Please understand that no one can ever define your worth as a person for you - you alone define that. For better and for worse. Don't hesitate to reach out to a professional, it's really easy to underestimate just how deep those kind of wounds can run. And feel free to reach out via PM.

As for confidence in writing it's a bit harder to give tangible advice. As someone who has created their entire life (even though that life is a fair bit shorter than yours), it's all too easy that the work becomes synonymous with your person. Which means that any bad feedback/reactions kind of become a response to your ability in general. This, of course, is not good. But it's way too easy to just say "to hell with people, just write for your own sake" and ignore how important it can be for creatives to have interactions and feel that their work has some kind of life outside of the head that created it. Even knowing that ratings are hollow and that my own love of my work is what is really important it really stings every time I get a really low rating on stuff. You just have to ignore the ratings, the likes, the favorites and all the other internet numbers, and focus on the soul of it.

What I can say, however, is that there is a lot of wisdom in this one saying my sibling got from their therapist: "Dare to draw ugly." Having high standards and taste is good. Being a perfectionist is not - it becomes a weakness that holds you back. Nothing is ever perfect, even the best works have flaws. That doesn't mean they can't be appreciated. And, as others have pointed out, the fact that people have mailed you about the stories says a LOT about what those stories, no matter how trivial or silly they might have been, left an impression on them. Many people, including myself, would do a lot to be able to say the same.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[Sweet_Lara]

Post your stories again ... not for anyone else but for you . :rose

 

[EvelynEden]

Same boat

I completely understand you. I'm a complete perfectionist, and I really struggle with how I resent myself to others. If I feel like I'm not putting my best foot forward, then things spiral. I recently came back to lit and wrote a few new stories- it's only been a couple of days, but after I saw the ratings, I was ready to just take down all the new ones I had been so proud of just before. I had to remind myself of the work I put in, and tell myself that I shouldn't pay too much attention to the ratings. You'll never make everyone happy, and that's the truth.

As for your question? Yeah, I believe its a mindset you can change, I've been working on changing mine. I don't believe it's impossible, human beings were made for change. There are some great techniques out there, and one I use is just trying to drown out that negative voice. Spread a little love for yourself, be kind to yourself. It's bloody hard at the start, but we humans can pick up a habit pretty damn fast. Keep at it, and one day you'll look back and smile at the person you were, knowing how different you've become.

Be strong, you got this!

 

[ChloeTzang]

Everyone has some level of self doubt. The trick is to accept that and put it behind you and move on. I say put your stories back up and keep writing. So what if they’re not perfect. Nothing is and none of us are. So just accept that you’re always going to have a certain level of second guessing yourself and move ahead.

 

[HeyAll]

If people like it, then it's worthy.

In the meantime, keep writing people you consider to be great authors. Reading is the best way to learn and improve, in my opinion.

 

[KeithD]

Everyone has some level of self doubt. The trick is to accept that and put it behind you and move on.

This.

 

[JamesMiehoff]

Coffee, you are human. You are allowed self-doubt. If you didn't have it, you would never get better.

Pull your stories out. Dust them off. Crank up the spelling and grammar checker and skim them over. After you have polished them up a little, repost them. Don't do major surgery, just a little spit shine and go.

I was asked to present a paper years ago on "How to Write Better Code". I got a lot of flack from management for the first line in my presentation, but the coders still repeat it back to me. It is just as true with recreational writing as it is writing computer programs.

If you can look at something you wrote 6 months ago and not ask "Who was the idiot that wrote this?" you haven't progressed as a writer.

I recently deleted all my stories here because I felt they weren't good enough for anyone to bother to read them.

What you are saying is that you have progressed as a writer. That's all. You are better than you were when you first wrote those stories. That means that there are better stories still in you. Write them. Post them. Share them. Repost your old ones and revel in the journey of where you came from and where your are going.

James

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

I've never been good at anything. At least according to my Mother. My sister though, she was perfect at everything.

Anyway, is it possible to ever get confident in your ability to write?
I recently deleted all my stories here because I felt they weren't good enough for anyone to bother to read them. I've had a couple emails asking why I deleted them and if I plan on posting them again somewhere, especially my series No Such Thing As Time, and when I get those emails I feel guilty for deleting them and think well maybe when I finish the last few chapters I'll post the whole thing, and then I think I can't do that because I'll still think it's so poorly written, such a stupid storyline, just not worth reading.

So is it possible to be able to change your mindset when you're in your 50s and your whole life you've been told nothing you ever is worthy?

I’ve read No Such Thing as Time and left comments about how much I enjoy it. We’ve never met, and you were on my mind when a Pearl Jam song came on in the bar I went to the other night, and you and your kids and dogs are in my prayers that you will soon find a wonderful new home to buy. I hope you’ll repost your stories

 

[Bramblethorn]

One trick that's sometimes helpful: pretend that it's somebody else's work and they've asked you for your opinion. Would you tell them "this is dreadful, don't publish it?"

If the answer is no, then think about trying to be as kind to yourself as you would to another.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

One trick that's sometimes helpful: pretend that it's somebody else's work and they've asked you for your opinion. Would you tell them "this is dreadful, don't publish it?"

If the answer is no, then think about trying to be as kind to yourself as you would to another.

Really good advice

 

[KeithD]

Another trick is just not to obsess over it and go on to writing the next one.

 

[yukonnights]

Coffee, I'm gonna pop in here again. First to tell you; I told you so.

But, also to say; I doubt the worth of most every story I've written. Just last night I wrapped up a 35,000 word story for the valentine's day event. Guess what...I have doubts about even submitting it...it's too long...what can I cut out...it's boring. And this isn't the first time. I've trash-binned more than one because of insecurities. I've learned finally to not trust my own judgment after working so closely to the story. I try to send it off to another person for their fresher perspective. And I've got some in my collection here that didn't fly as high as I wanted, I leave them up for the few who do occasionally find them to their liking.

I still wonder if holiday and winter darkness blues may be a player in all of this self doubt. I think you offer a very unique and worthy perspective in your style. I've told you before that for me, your style gives me a peek into a young woman's thoughts and perceptions. That's pretty unique here and having no sisters growing up, I really enjoy it. Erotic doesn't equate to extreme kink

 

[ChloeTzang]

.. If you can look at something you wrote 6 months ago and not ask "Who was the idiot that wrote this?" you haven't progressed as a writer.

That’s me when I look at my older stories.