How do you get out of a rut? Constant depression, vicious circle?

[Haterade]

I swear, my life is such shit. I generally enjoy being alone, but at the same time I get highly depressed and follow the same trend year after year. I have no friends, no one to turn to, and you guess it... no relationships... ever.

I'd like to hear from people with similar stories who have successfully conquered their situation.

It's like the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, in a way. I have no friends, good stories, confidence, or experiences... so there's nothing to build off of. Let's say I get a date or a new girlfriend... it obviously will not turn out well since I have no life to stand on. What do you do in that situation if you don't have the other friends to go out with, the stories to tell, etc?

It's just a POS situation. In general, I hate hanging out with guys. I just have no interest in talking with men at all. Ironically, that's probably one of my bigger problems. I just don't like men, period, even as hang-out buddies. And women... well, I either want to have a solid relationship with them or I don't really want anything at all.

So whoever created me fucked up miserably.

 

[umbra01]

I know alot of what you mean. It is hard when you don't have people to hang onto. I am newly separated and I feel that I have been alienated for whatever reason and find myself lonely. I used to get high or drunk anytime i was depressed as a teenager; however, due to responsibility, I cannot. One thing that I found can help is not to focus on what everyone else is doing. Don't focus on all of the people that are hanging out and having fun and having inside jokes. That will only make you miserable. That is easier to do while you are younger and in school, whether it be high school or college. Are you in either of those? I am sure you are of age posting here so you must be a senior or in college if so

It sounds silly, but when I was lonely for RL friends I would always make online friends. They were good substitutes to make it through. I guess maybe that is why I am posting on this name again xD.

Alot of the times it just helps to hang on until you can find that one best friend (ya know, make sure not to smother them). Otherwise, I am not quite sure. Just hang on the best you can and do not focus on the rest of the world. Make yourself happy.

 

[SweetErika]

I swear, my life is such shit. I generally enjoy being alone, but at the same time I get highly depressed and follow the same trend year after year. I have no friends, no one to turn to, and you guess it... no relationships... ever.

Are you being treated for the depression with medication and/or talk therapy? If not, that'd be a good first step. It's very difficult to change when your body is fighting you every step of the way.

I have no friends, good stories, confidence, or experiences... so there's nothing to build off of. Let's say I get a date or a new girlfriend... it obviously will not turn out well since I have no life to stand on. What do you do in that situation if you don't have the other friends to go out with, the stories to tell, etc?

It sounds like you need to gain experiences, confidence and friends. All of those things build on each other. For instance, if you start gaining experiences with a good attitude, you'll likely feel better about yourself and be more attractive to those you meet. So what can you do to get out and improve yourself and your social life?

It's just a POS situation. In general, I hate hanging out with guys. I just have no interest in talking with men at all. Ironically, that's probably one of my bigger problems. I just don't like men, period, even as hang-out buddies. And women... well, I either want to have a solid relationship with them or I don't really want anything at all.

I'm willing to bet these generalizations are holding you back big time. All men aren't the same, so painting them with such a broad brush is self-defeating. It's likely you haven't met the right guys for friendship yet, or you have met them, but they haven't been interested in hanging out with you because of your attitude. As for women, there's no reason you can't have solid platonic relationships with them. Perhaps you're like me and prefer quality over quantity when it comes to friendships. That's fine, as long as your attitudes don't hold you back from even meeting the people you'll likely connect with. I think your screen name here is a good example: it implies you're nasty or an alt or something similarly undesirable, which deters people from connecting with you. Even if you have good things to say in your posts, IMO your name sends out an overriding message that you want to be left alone or won't be a good friend. I wouldn't be surprised if your sabotaging yourself in similar ways in real life.

So whoever created me fucked up miserably.

That's just a cop-out, since you have the power to seek treatment and change. But as long as you keep believing there's an inherent, unsolvable problem, you won't do either. As I see it, you can either keep your current mindset and remain miserable or take meaningful steps to change your attitudes and life.

 

[Rikki_13]

Are you being treated for the depression with medication and/or talk therapy? If not, that'd be a good first step. It's very difficult to change when your body is fighting you every step of the way.


It sounds like you need to gain experiences, confidence and friends. All of those things build on each other. For instance, if you start gaining experiences with a good attitude, you'll likely feel better about yourself and be more attractive to those you meet. So what can you do to get out and improve yourself and your social life?


I'm willing to bet these generalizations are holding you back big time. All men aren't the same, so painting them with such a broad brush is self-defeating. It's likely you haven't met the right guys for friendship yet, or you have met them, but they haven't been interested in hanging out with you because of your attitude. As for women, there's no reason you can't have solid platonic relationships with them. Perhaps you're like me and prefer quality over quantity when it comes to friendships. That's fine, as long as your attitudes don't hold you back from even meeting the people you'll likely connect with. I think your screen name here is a good example: it implies you're nasty or an alt or something similarly undesirable, which deters people from connecting with you. Even if you have good things to say in your posts, IMO your name sends out an overriding message that you want to be left alone or won't be a good friend. I wouldn't be surprised if your sabotaging yourself in similar ways in real life.


That's just a cop-out, since you have the power to seek treatment and change. But as long as you keep believing there's an inherent, unsolvable problem, you won't do either. As I see it, you can either keep your current mindset and remain miserable or take meaningful steps to change your attitudes and life.

I agree with sweeterika, in order to have friends you have to be a friend. Only you can choose the direction that your life will take, and you can take the necessary steps to change it into what you really want it to be. Good Luck

 

[Hopeorless1]

Yeah what the other poster said- medication might honestly help too. I take celexa for my anxiety, it helps a whole lot. My ex used to take prozac and he swore by it; its good because it has a longer half life so you can be okay if you forget to take it every once in awhile where as that is a no-go with celexa.

 

[shiny5437]

I was in bit of a hole a few years ago: split with my ex, very few friends who I hardly ever saw, unhappy at work. I had no life to speak of and would spend most of my days on the internet or watching TV. That was if I got out of bed at all.

The thing that did it for me was that I got a job in a new city. I moved away and got into a shared house. Sharing a house is a really good way to meet people - you live in the same place, watch the same TV, and talk about what everyone else is doing. I used to feel ashamed by my lack of social circle which precluded me from meeting new people (why should they be my friends if nobody else is). However, being in a new town I had an excuse for being lonely which helped me to approach people. I made friends at work and took up a sport (which I am terrible at but the people are friendly). I made a rule to never turn down a social invitation no matter how much I didn't want to go.

I'm not sure what you mean by not liking guys - do mean macho knob-heads? There are other sorts of blokes out there.

I still have bad days when I feel really lonely and waste the day playing video games. Days when I feel like I'm just filling in time before I die. I just take the rough with the smooth.

Maybe you need professional health - talking therapy or medication, or maybe you don't. You just need to hold onto the idea that things could be different for you which is often easier said than done.

Good luck

 

[MR.GGG]

Yuck

""In the hearts and minds of haters everywhere.""

WHAT you want or say you want must come from within. Drugs may help but I think you need a major attitude change. As said above ... you have to BE a friend to have friends and with a life philosophy like the quote above ... just yuck!!

Read some self help books and change your attitude. Do some volunteer work. Help out at a local animal shelter. Help little old blind ladies across the street. ANYTHING to give yourself a sense of worth because your wurst enemy right now is ... YOU.

 

[PoppingTom]

I swear, my life is such shit. I generally enjoy being alone, but at the same time I get highly depressed and follow the same trend year after year. I have no friends, no one to turn to, and you guess it... no relationships... ever.

....

So whoever created me fucked up miserably.

It's no good idea to hate yourself.

There should at least be somebody who loves you. And this one should be YOU. If you don't love yourself, nobody else will.

You enjoy being alone. It's because you want to hide yourself from the world. Seize that time to find love for yourself again. Seize that time to get interest in other people's life (whoever "other people" is). You don't need anything else at last. If people you know don't love you - look for others. There ARE others, believe me.

At least you CAN be alone. You CAN be no barnade. That means a lot.

 

[Vixandra]

So whoever created me fucked up miserably.

This right here caught my attention. While I believe in the divine and all that jazz, I also believe you are who you choose to be.

You're an adult and if you want your life to change you have to change first. If you want to have and maintain relationships with others, you should be able to do so with yourself. The old adage "if you can't love yourself, no one will" has a lot of truth to it. Why should I hang out with someone who hates him/herself? Professional help can make this better and teach you to accept yourself as you are and begin to change into who you want to be.

Friendships are an important part of human socialization. If you didn't want that, you wouldn't be posting here. Do you have any hobbies, interests, sports or anything you do that might possibly have a local group?

You need to go where people are to meet them- does your local library have a book club? If you're into BDSM have you checked out the local munches? Is there a YMCA nearby that has adult softball leagues you could join? Amateur bowling league?

 

[PhilGarlic]

?

Having read the previous posts I don't have much to add.

What I will say is, you have overcome the first hurdle, you know you have a problem and want to do something about it.

As for what you do depends on you, when you identify the course of action you want to take, write down a plan of action, people are more likely to follow up if they write down their ideas!

Good luck mate, and as a previous poster said "love yourself" don't beat yourself up to much.

 

[AKGhost]

Along with everything else I would recommended asking your doc to check your thyroid. It can control a lot of your mood and energy levels.

 

[Maxell46]

http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hpho...7727_205344452828349_1370289_1350655333_n.jpg

 

[qrayze]

after the emotional beat-down I got from you last year, I'm really not all that surprised that you still don't have any friends.

 

[Valkyrie2006]

There are more who feel the same way... after I met someone (right here on lit) and found out that what I felt for him wasn't reciprocated... he acted like he care but....well you know the story...
I've sworn off even trying to meet someone...yet most days I feel so alone..

I'm scared as hell to let someone into my life again....

I so can empathize with you....

I swear, my life is such shit. I generally enjoy being alone, but at the same time I get highly depressed and follow the same trend year after year. I have no friends, no one to turn to, and you guess it... no relationships... ever.

I'd like to hear from people with similar stories who have successfully conquered their situation.

It's like the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, in a way. I have no friends, good stories, confidence, or experiences... so there's nothing to build off of. Let's say I get a date or a new girlfriend... it obviously will not turn out well since I have no life to stand on. What do you do in that situation if you don't have the other friends to go out with, the stories to tell, etc?

It's just a POS situation. In general, I hate hanging out with guys. I just have no interest in talking with men at all. Ironically, that's probably one of my bigger problems. I just don't like men, period, even as hang-out buddies. And women... well, I either want to have a solid relationship with them or I don't really want anything at all.

So whoever created me fucked up miserably.

 

[Outlaw9]

I can completely relate to and understand what you are saying, been there a couple times. I will post more ideas and advice, suggestions in a little bit when I get a minute, but wanted to say:

"In general, I hate hanging out with guys. I just have no interest in talking with men at all. Ironically, that's probably one of my bigger problems. I just don't like men, period, even as hang-out buddies. And women... well, I either want to have a solid relationship with them or I don't really want anything at all."
To me, that sounds like, the only connection you're interested in persuing, is to be in a relationship with a woman. And perhaps are otherwise conflicted- realizing you're missing out on life, apart from that. Right?

I'll write more i gotta go, trust me though, there's hope. You're in a great spot, it's all ahead of you. It will take abandoning your comfort zone.

 

[Rob1514]

When you are not happy with your life here's what you do, ready? ..................



change it





Change your routine, change your patterns, and get out of the "vicious cycle". Join something, don't go right home after work, decide what you might like to try that is different ... then do it! How about a career change? Set new goals, and here's a big one ..... GO BACK TO SCHOOL. In school your brain will be challenged again, you'll meet new people, and maybe find a new purpose in life.

but before all that, go see a doctor.

 

[Outlaw9]

I have no friends, good stories, confidence, or experiences... so there's nothing to build off of.

which has been the case of everyone. Granted, getting off to a late start makes it a little tougher.

"Let's say I get a date or a new girlfriend... it obviously will not turn out well since I have no life to stand on. What do you do in that situation if you don't have the other friends to go out with, the stories to tell, etc?"

"Obviously", my ass, depending on if you can maintain the right attitude. And when the moment arises where she senses something is off with you, tell her the truth. You suffered undiagnosed Avoidant Personality Disorder (?) for years and isolated yourself to the point of not having life experiences you should by your age. If that turns her off, fuck her, good you don't waste further time in her company. A revelation like that changes impressions which in of itself women like. A lot of chicks I know if were told that on a date and for whatever reason not interested in a relationship with the dude, would make it their mission for him to step into life (setting up a rendezvous with their best hot slutty friend for sure).
You know if you are sincere and interested, keeping the focus on and learning about her, she'll prolly dig you alot more than some douchebag that just bides his time till it's time to get laid.
Believe me when I say, as far as datability(?), you are in better standing than at least one guy who had a little too much life experience. Women who are interested in me, man you can watch the attraction fade to shock and disgust on their faces over the course of a one or two minute overview of my adult life. The only women who'd want me in their life (and the only type I'd feel right around) are the type I'm rapidly becoming too old and burned out for, and truth be told, not people I'd want my kid seeing or being around. It'ss cool though. All I really want/need is sex at this time, and get by. Someday, after I've recovered financially, psychologically, etc., then I may want companionship, and might then have something to offer.
Recently I did meet a co-worker I really liked, one of those rare meetings where everything is just how you'd want it and you click. I ended up standing her up and later on explained, I really didn't feel like breaking it to her how I'm no good. She asked why not and I gave her the list, she didn't bat an eye. She said everyone has a past or something like that gave me off her own list of good impressions she had compared to most guys. I hadn't blown it but like I said maybe it was I was scared to be around someone with decency and I never talked to her again in the manner of getting together or interest in her life. what that has to do with this IDK, just something that came to mind.

I grew up an only child in a rural area, and got used to peace of solidtude and being the master of the environment. seriously require a lot of alone time to keep my bearings or semblance of control. After a while though, I notice i haven't left the house except for work in a while and to avoid slipping back into a full-blown hermit, force myself to get out to the bar with the boys. And we have some laughs and a good time, and I have to wonder why I don't more often. No fond memories are made sitting around alone. And I know more than most, the regrets that haunt you are things you didn't do, not what you did and shouldn't have. Keep in mind as life finally starts opening up for you, nothing's at stake by failing, only failing to follow thru. Really you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, so you better tighten up your panties and do this shit brother.

Realize, negativity, self-doubt and depression perpetuate themselves. So don't get discouraged, early on the right track, and be patient. And don't single mindedly be looking to get tied down to the first suitable woman to come along. When you enjoy things in life and good times with others, you'll be the kind of guy someone wants to be with, to be with. And you'll have built up cself-onfidence and honed conversational skills enough to be totally cool and smooth.
(Always be real and yourself and do what comes natural, speak your peace (not as you would while liquored up, keep some politeness/tact filter on it)

Seriously, good luck man, wish you the best. I envy you, many great times await, "firsts", etc.

Are you ready to start life?

"but before all that, go see a doctor."
definately, I even heard of a med for social anxiety, but have a hunch it will all be up to him and all his effort either way. A lot of things that could cause this, such as Avoidant PD or Asperger's Syndrome or whatever, there really is no treatment for, simulated social immersion therapy or something like that.

 

[TheOne007]

I'm in almost the same boat. I have a large group of friends, however the majority of which are married, married having kids, engaged, or in some form of relationship. Me and another friend are the only two single people in our group, and generally hanging out consists of going and getting food, hitting up the movies, or hanging out. I don't drink anymore, and we don't do the bar, club, or "going out" scene. I have tried online dating, but that fails time and time again. Why? I can't get people to talk! It's stunningly disappointing.

So what do I do? Well 95% of the time I'm home alone. I have concluded that in the past three years, I have just become institutionalized, and have accepted that nothing is going to happen. So I turned to materialistic tendencies. I buy anything and everything that I want (within reason and expense), and have fun! When people ask why I got something or why I did it, my response is, "I'm showing people what they can't have".

 

[maybenomaybeno]

[Believe me when I say, as far as datability(?), you are in better standing than at least one guy who had a little too much life experience. Women who are interested in me, man you can watch the attraction fade to shock and disgust on their faces over the course of a one or two minute overview of my adult life. The only women who'd want me in their life (and the only type I'd feel right around) are the type I'm rapidly becoming too old and burned out for, and truth be told, not people I'd want my kid seeing or being around. It'ss cool though. All I really want/need is sex at this time, and get by. Someday, after I've recovered financially, psychologically, etc., then I may want companionship, and might then have something to offer.

Just wanted to say, that is such a beautiful and genuinely compassionate response.

But enough about other people, let's talk about ME!

Seriously though, to the OP: just engage with life on its own terms. Meaning: forget about all these preconceived notions you have in your mind about how people don't like you or you don't like people or whatever.

If you don't enjoy "bro-ing" down with guys, then don't! It's that simple. There's no law on the books saying that you have to have guy friends.

And as far as the lady situation goes: life is really difficult, it's hard to be a human being. So it follows that there are a ton of fucked-up people in the world. If you are honest and transparent about who you are, no, scratch that, not "who you are", (that implies so much conceptual baggage and rigid concepts about personal identity) but your actual experience being a person in the world, then there will always be people out there who will identify with you and take comfort from relating to you.

And women... well, I either want to have a solid relationship with them or I don't really want anything at all.

That will present some problems. Approach women as friends, for fuck's sake. If you want to engage with people, then engage with them. But don't have all these ideas about what you want from a given interaction. Interact without motive, is what I'm trying to say. Give it a try.

 

[hotdamnazgirl]

This may sound naive and Pollyannaish, but perhaps it would be helpful if you stopped thinking so much about your problems and looked around you to other people. You are not the only person lonely or hurting in the world, reach out to those around you and try to make their lives better. As you do that, you will likely feel less burdened with your woes and will gain some perspective that while your life is not the way you want it to be it is better than what it could be.

In addition, focus on what you have; not what you don’t have. My life isn’t what I had planned and hoped for. I definitely did not expect I would be single with no kids or family at 38 and when I focus on not having a family or husband/partner/lover then I get depressed. So I am constantly reminding myself to think about the things I do have and I try to fill my time with enjoyable, if not meaningful, activities. Doing that makes it more bearable then throwing my own pity party for one.

I don’t mean to suggest that your current frustration and pain is not important or significant, but you are the one who allows it to continue. If you want something different, then you need to do something different.

 

[PoppingTom]

after the emotional beat-down I got from you last year, I'm really not all that surprised that you still don't have any friends.

As nobody know what you talking about - tell us a little bit.




And by the way: telling her that she still have no friends and you're not surprised is like telling a beggar he's a poor man.

 

[Haterade]

after the emotional beat-down I got from you last year, I'm really not all that surprised that you still don't have any friends.

Emotional beatdown? You're kidding me, right?

Sounds like you were a little more convicted about that situation than you came across back then.

 

[Haterade]

As nobody know what you talking about - tell us a little bit.




And by the way: telling her that she still have no friends and you're not surprised is like telling a beggar he's a poor man.

First of all, I'm a guy.

Secondly, she's referring to this thread: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=758005

I wouldn't call that an "emotional beatdown." I was nice to that chick, but I disagreed with her. So, (one year later) she still feels the need to take pop shots at me, I guess.

 

[PoppingTom]

First of all, I'm a guy.

Secondly, she's referring to this thread: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=758005

I wouldn't call that an "emotional beatdown." I was nice to that chick, but I disagreed with her. So, (one year later) she still feels the need to take pop shots at me, I guess.

First of all, everything I've said before still counts.

Secondly and seriously: get yourself a creative hobby. Let it be music, or painting, or writing or something like that. It's the only way to let all your hate out and find yourself. You don't need to be the best. In fact, your beginning will be crap, that's natural, but that crap will change your life. As you got that hobby, you can look for other people having the same hobby. Now you have something to talk about.

And I mean CREATIVE! Gaming isn't creative. Chatting isn't creative. sitting in a bar and drink your head into self liquefaction isn't creative. These things may help you by destraction. But being creative means to concentrate. If you have something to concentrate on, that's what makes you feel better with the time. Make your creations your babies. You will love them, the more work you put into it.

 

[PoppingTom]

Ive read the thread you mentioned, and all I can say is: to find that kind of friend you're looking for can be a life task.

And the hardest part of it is to respect other people's life. And I mean RESPECT, not simply accept. Everybody have hard decisions to take, have to fight fights so hard you can't even imagine, has to put down their own demons. But everybody has one moment to be the light. For you. Or for others. If you never learned to see somebody being a light, you will never get importance. Because your hate is the everyday darkness we're surrounded, nothing more.