How do you define "Vanilla" sex?

[Persephone36]

Please excuse me if this has been discussed quite a bit before -- but it came up as a conversation question between myself and another newbie -- and we thought it was an interesting idea to place before the general board.

So how do you define "Vanilla" sex?

Everyone seems to throw the term around a lot -- but I wonder what most people generally consider to be absolutely Vanilla sex, and what they consider to be borderline Vanilla -- and what's just out there as Rocky Road?

Does any use of toys automatically take you out of the vanilla category?

Is oral sex for both men and women a given as part of vanilla sex nowadays?

Are all the basic positions considered part of the 'nilla repertoire?

How about anal penetration?

Mutual masterbation?

Does having same-sex relations "automatically" take you out of vanilla territory?

Well...as you can see...we can go on and on, lol.

But I'm genuinely curious and I think it's a very interesting question -- I'd love to hear people's ideas on what they consider to be the boundaries of "Vanilla."

Persephone

 

[plasticman33]

Personally I prefer chocolate!

 

[bluespoke]

Whoops!

I remember the last time this came up.

[quickly backs out of thread and closes door]

 

[morninggirl5]

Persephone,


Vanilla or "nilla" sex means plain, boring, and NOBODY here on the GB is plain or boring.

It's one of the touchiest topics anyone could ever post about.

Good luck!

 

[Persephone36]

Touchy subject?

Why would this be a touchy subject?

I don't see the term "vanilla" as being derogatory...I'd be surprised to see people having a judgmental attitude about it, when everyone is so open-minded here. Wouldn't that be just completely hypocritical?

Why does Vanilla "have" to be boring -- can't it be considered the basis for a lot more. Or just be part of the gamut of your sexual experiences?

I'm not trying to start trouble! LOL, absolutely not! I thought this was an interesting intelligent question.

And btw -- I'd consider myself "borderline" Vanilla -- but looking to expand my horizons. Which is why I have a personal interest in people's responses.

Persephone

 

[JazzManJim]

Well, here's how I'd define it.

First, "vanilla" does not equal boring.

What I, and most other to whom I've talked about this, mean when we say "vanilla" is "everything that's not BDSM". Yeah, that's a pretty huge category and it very much fluctuates, as does nearly everything about sexuality.

I've seen it shortened to include only missionary position sex, and the occasional foray into other positions, most often from behind. Oral sex always plays a role, but it's a very "traditional" role. In this context, it's almost always used to mean "basic". It's good sex, without all the bells and whistles.

What it's not is boring or mean-spirited or derogatory, inasfar as I have ever, or will ever use the term.

I will say that the last time this topic came up there was a HUGE flamefest and a lot over very sensitive people got very upset on both sides. I wish you well. Just hang tight and take none of it personally.

 

[Calamity Jane]

There was a big 'thing' about the word Nilla not too long ago. You really don't want to go there.

It's a good question, and everyone's going to define it differently, which is why people get offended. It's not hypocritical.

 

[Kitte]

I think that each person has their own definition of what Nilla is. For some it is anything short of suspension peircings and 12 people simultaneously orgasming. For others it is what they have everyday and are very happy with. It is relative.

 

[MissTaken]

Persephone?

What do you think "vanilla" sex is?


For me, it is what it is not, that defines it.

It does not include pain/pleasure.
It does not include power exchange or activities indicative of power exchange, i.e. bondage.
.

Jim's description was pretty accurate, IMHO. I have been with men who consider themselves "vanilla" and had veritable kink fests. So, the term is difficult to define, and difficult to use as such.


Does vanilla have to mean there is no kink at all? Or is it the absence of the fundamental BDSM components?

 

[Persephone36]

Thanks for the warnings!

Thank you guys -- honestly I would *never* have considered this such a hot topic or one to cause a flame fest which is why I didn't do a search for it to begin with.

Do you all suggest I just delete the thread?

I don't want to be the cause of a trouble when I'm just getting started around here!

Persephone

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Thanks for the warnings!

Thank you guys -- honestly I would *never* have considered this such a hot topic or one to cause a flame fest which is why I didn't do a search for it to begin with.

Do you all suggest I just delete the thread?

I don't want to be the cause of a trouble when I'm just getting started around here!

Persephone

I would like to see if other litsters and I could have a meaningful discussion about this issue.

Nix the personalized comments or judgements.

Knowing people as I do, I think it can be done.

And, Persephone, ya can't delete the thread, hon. Don't worry.

Welcome to lit! A hell of an initiation, if I may add

 

[Persephone36]

Thanks MissTaken

I appreciate everyone's input -- and since you asked me, MissTaken, I happen to agree with how you see it and exactly what you wrote.

So I couldn't say it better than you did, for my own personal definition (which I admit is only just forming).

Thanks

 

[Persephone36]

Baptism by...

Again -- thank you MissTaken.

I appreciate the welcome, lol -- and I was never one to not make a dramatic entrance so.....

I agree with you too -- the reason I brought it up is because I would love to hear the people on the board have an intelligent, non-judgmental discussion of the subject.

And I never questioned with such a great group here that it couldn't be done!

Persephone

 

[plasticman33]

'Nilla sex to me somehow conjures up visions of nothing more than the missionary position, over and over again.

Of course one persons Nilla sex could be another persons kinkiest fantasy!

 

[MissTaken]

'Nilla sex to me somehow conjures up visions of nothing more than the missionary position, over and over again.

Ahhh that was my marriage minus the over and over again, part!

 

[naudiz]

Well, you see, when a mommy vanilla bean and a daddy vanilla bean love each other very much....

Okay, seriously. I define it as a lack of power-exchange and basic BDSM principles. I don't think there is anything boring about it. It's a matter of personal preference. I like power play in stories, but in RL, with my body, in my bed, that's not the case. Does that make my sex life boring? Hell no! I enjoy it, my partner enjoys it, and the bottom line is that is what matters. The opinions of people I'll never even let see me naked amount to Jack and shit, and Jack just left town.

However, if someone is into power play and pain, great! Nothing wrong with two (or however many) consenting adults getting together to have a good time. None of my business. Wake me up when it is.

Stand firm to your preferences, but don't shove them down someone else's throat or try to make them seem superior to mine. The word is just a word. If I'm vanilla, then I'm vanilla.

I don't see what the big hub-bub is about.

 

[WhiteRose]

I thought you meant with vanilla ice cream

 

[Persephone36]

I think that was incredibly well said Naudiz. I realized actually after I brought the subject up is that I've found *myself* judging myself as being boring for, well at least up until now, being vanilla. That sort of sent a light bulb off in my head! It a waste of precious time to worry about other people viewing your sexual preferences as boring. In the end run, that's their problem. And you're right -- as long as you're enjoying your sexual identity and experiences -- then they *aren't* boring whatever they are!

But I appreciate the responses on the thread where a number of you mention something of a defining line between vanilla -- and power role playing and the tenets of BDSM. Which is really why I posed the question to begin with I suppose -- because I'm drawn to that area lately -- but I'm not clear myself whether that's simply fantasy or something I want to act on. LOL, that was self-revealing, wasn't it?

Ya'll get to know me real quick on here, lol.

Btw -- this is just an aside, but I wanted to say to Pagancowgirl -- point taken about my hypocritical remark. I understand just what you mean. I didn't mean myself to sound defensive or righteous. Just wanted to make that clear.

 

[JazzManJim]

Wait.

She's reasonable, polite, well-spoken, kinky, and witty.

This is sooooo sooo good!

 

[Persephone36]

Wow!

Now coming from *YOU* Jim -- I take that as an enormous compliment!!

I'm breathless!

Wow, I feel loved here already...(hmm, maybe in more ways than one)

I'm glad you think having me here Jim is soooo sooo good...because I'm hoping to be soooooo soooooo bad.



After all, I chose the name Persephone very carefully. Goddess of Spring, Queen of the Underworld.

I can hardly *wait* until I get my AV!


Persephone

 

[lovetoread]

I would assume that it would not include any sort of "power" that one has over the partner.

By this I mean where one person has the control.

I have no problem with having normal sex. No submitting,no spankings,no pain of any sort.

I call those quickies.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[CLT Builder]

For me...vanilla sex is when the guy blows me and then wants to fuck me or vice versa. Anything outside of that crosses a line. However....I've found that my resistance to crossing that line is now a desire instead of a battle. Vanilla sex is boring and monotonous. There are so many erotic and sensual ways to get the other person to where they want to be. Toys, role play, bondage, watersports, testing boundaries. It's all about what you're in to and how much you want to freak yourself out. And sometimes, the other person.

 

[JazzManJim]

Re: Wow!

Now coming from *YOU* Jim -- I take that as an enormous compliment!!

You're quite welcome, but please know that I"m not worth all the fanfare. I'm one of the common mooks around here.

There's only one real tip I can give you. Beware horny men bearing pomegranates....

 

[Persephone36]

yikes...

Uh, yes -- sorry Bratcat -- I understand I re-opened a whole can of worms here.

I hate this phrase -- but it sort of works here. Yes, my bad.

But, um, at least I'm getting to know some of the core members of the board better...baptism by "golden shower" you might say?

Persephone