How do you break up with someone?

[tolyk]

I've been pondering lately about my relationships and life and I realized I've never been the one to break up before. I wouldn't even know how to do it, and that just feels odd. I mean, I don't even think I could write a realistic break-up scene if I tried...

How do you do it?

 

[Guest]

I don't know. I've never done the breaking up... I've always been the one who was broke up with.

 

[elsol]

I set a date.

"On September 22nd, we'll no longer be dating."

I find if you give women 3 months to get used to the idea, they do pretty well.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[R. Richard]

Perhaps the slickest breakup I ever handled was a simple telephone statement.

"Since you had a guy hiding in your bedroom when I took you home last night, you already have what you want without me. Goodbye. [Click!]"

 

[imalickin]

I set a date.

"On September 22nd, we'll no longer be dating."

I find if you give women 3 months to get used to the idea, they do pretty well.

Sincerely,
ElSol

that is the stupidest and most insensitive thing, also pretty funny, i have ever heard.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

I always found that just starting to act like my real self, that is to say rude, crude, and lewd, the problem usually took care of itself in no time at all.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[tolyk]

I always found that just starting to act like my real self, that is to say rude, crude, and lewd, the problem usually took care of itself in no time at all.

Rumple Foreskin

*chuckle* I've heard of that one before

 

[tolyk]

Perhaps the slickest breakup I ever handled was a simple telephone statement.

"Since you had a guy hiding in your bedroom when I took you home last night, you already have what you want without me. Goodbye. [Click!]"

That's slick? Seems slightly dramatic to me.. no offense intended.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I'm not a big fan of the "let your behavior become more and more unpleasant until the other person bails" approach. I prefer to be direct and as humane as possible. The conversation itself isn't usually all that awkward; surprisingly enough, when one is unhappy in a relationship, there's a good chance that the other person has also had some second thoughts. The part that I find tricky is starting the conversation. There's no graceful segue into "I don't think we should date any more." I do think it's best done in person; whatever the flaws in the relationship, I prefer to communicate some respect for the other participant.

Of course, that all presumes a semi-monogamous relationship. If it's casual dating, one can simply decline a few offers of dates. That's usually gentle enough if one's been dating rather than something more intimate.

 

[tolyk]

I'm not a big fan of the "let your behavior become more and more unpleasant until the other person bails" approach. I prefer to be direct and as humane as possible. The conversation itself isn't usually all that awkward; surprisingly enough, when one is unhappy in a relationship, there's a good chance that the other person has also had some second thoughts. The part that I find tricky is starting the conversation. There's no graceful segue into "I don't think we should date any more." I do think it's best done in person; whatever the flaws in the relationship, I prefer to communicate some respect for the other participant.

Of course, that all presumes a semi-monogamous relationship. If it's casual dating, one can simply decline a few offers of dates. That's usually gentle enough if one's been dating rather than something more intimate.

Very insightful responce Shang, thank you

 

[JamesSD]

I've been pondering lately about my relationships and life and I realized I've never been the one to break up before. I wouldn't even know how to do it, and that just feels odd. I mean, I don't even think I could write a realistic break-up scene if I tried...

How do you do it?

In real life break-ups are usually a long and drawn out process, not really scenes.

Unless someone was cheating or lying about something major.

 

[Liar]

It's like a band-aid, or a bikini wax. Rip if off quick.

 

[BlackShanglan]

It's like a band-aid, or a bikini wax. Rip if off quick.

And then rub soothing ointment on it. No, wait - that's before the breakup.

 

[human_male]

I've had two, although admittedly one was only a phone relationship but it was pretty full on. She wanted us to meet and I didn't and she wouldn't accept that. So I told her if she couldn't accept that maybe we should call it quits and she said ok. I feel bad about that but if it had been me who wanted to meet and she didn't I would just be expected to accept it.

The other was when I was only eighteen, and I simply started ignoring her until she finally wrote me a letter calling me on it. I said I just wanted to be friends, but then I carried on ignoring her. I don't know why. I can't imagine treating someone like that now and it's one of the things in my life I've never really gotten over. My excuse is it was my first relationship and I was only eighteen.

Not a very inspirational couple of examples.

 

[woodnymph_O]

well my last experience. you fight over your car keys until you make one of those little key loops big enough to wear around your wrist,bluff about having a gun under the seat , watch your window explode as he punches it, and watch his scared ass run down the driveway as he wonders if you will shoot him because of the window, then you take a nap.

 

[damppanties]

well my last experience. you fight over your car keys until you make one of those little key loops big enough to wear around your wrist,bluff about having a gun under the seat , watch your window explode as he punches it, and watch his scared ass run down the driveway as he wonders if you will shoot him because of the window, then you take a nap.

My last one (where I did the breaking up) had me sitting and telling him why it wouldn't work out and why we shouldn't be together. I didn't do it right. The break up, not the relationship, dragged on for a year or so.

 

[NoJo]

Tol, I can't advise on what should be done in general, because each situation is different.

The ideal is obviously to do it to create as little guilt and bad feeling as possible, on both sides. But that isn't always achievable.

My best friend is breaking up from a long marriage, and right now, he is at the "demonizing" stage, where his wife is the Devil Incarnate. I very much doubt that it's true, and I refuse to collude, even though he wants my support in this. I just tell him to do something about his binge drinking.

Personally, I'm a big fan of the "we need to talk", followed by a pity fuck.

 

[impressive]

I prefer to be direct and as humane as possible.

Or would that be "direct and as equane as possible"


Break ups don't HAVE to be unpleasant, but the nasty ones make for a more interesting read (if only to reassure the readers that they aren't as fucked up as they thought).



Doing it & writing it are mucho different critters.

 

[Boota]

I'm a relationship now and it's my only one ever since I stopped being a complete dick. Every other relationship I was in the girl left me. And looking back I can't blame them one bit. Well, that not entirely true. There were times I just walked out and never came back, but that's probably not going to help you much. That's an especially bad way to go if you're in a position where it's likely that you're going to continue running into the person you walked out on.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

I just throw their clothes out the door, then when the person runs out to get them, I lock the door.

 

[R. Richard]

That's slick? Seems slightly dramatic to me.. no offense intended.

Actually I did not regard the situation as dramatic. Terrifying might be a better explanation. I was VERY worried that the boy might have a pistol.

 

[Belegon]

I feel it's best done simply and straightforward...but it has been an awful long time. and I always had the issue that I never stop seeing the value of the relationship...so even if things are laid out very clearly, they get muddled because I can't not be friendly (and yes, more than friendly...)

I've been the one to end things, but I was always vulnerable to the 2 am phone call and an hour of telling her she is still pretty, etc. and that often just drags things out and makes it more painful then if I were to answer that phone and say "I'm sorry, but we can't do this anymore..." and then go back to sleep.

gee...no one would ever know that about me considering how things have gone the last year or so, eh?

 

[Guest]

I'm not a big fan of the "let your behavior become more and more unpleasant until the other person bails" approach. I prefer to be direct and as humane as possible. The conversation itself isn't usually all that awkward; surprisingly enough, when one is unhappy in a relationship, there's a good chance that the other person has also had some second thoughts. The part that I find tricky is starting the conversation. There's no graceful segue into "I don't think we should date any more." I do think it's best done in person; whatever the flaws in the relationship, I prefer to communicate some respect for the other participant.

Of course, that all presumes a semi-monogamous relationship. If it's casual dating, one can simply decline a few offers of dates. That's usually gentle enough if one's been dating rather than something more intimate.

oh..yeah... i tried this
it failed
so i got a restraining order
it failed
so...hes in jail.
so far, it seems to be working.

 

[NoJo]

oh..yeah... i tried this
it failed
so i got a restraining order
it failed
so...hes in jail.
so far, it seems to be working.

Well, at least you gave him two strikes.

 

[Guest]

Well, at least you gave him two strikes.

im a kind soul
but
just in case, we're investing in smith and wesson.