How do we get started?

[DarkLover]

My wife and I have done some tie-up games and Master/slave roleplay in the bedroom, but I'm wondering about establishing a "real" D/s relationship with her. By this I mean not just sexual roleplay but actually agreeing to take on the Dom and sub roles for real in our day-to-day life (which, I assume, would include sex).

I must admit I'm a little ignorant about this, but willing to learn. I'd love to talk to those who have done this. I want to find out how to get started and what effect is has had on other people's relationships.

Anyone care to help out a Dom wanna-be?

Dark Lover

 

[Kajira Callista]

My wife and I have done some tie-up games and Master/slave roleplay in the bedroom, but I'm wondering about establishing a "real" D/s relationship with her. By this I mean not just sexual roleplay but actually agreeing to take on the Dom and sub roles for real in our day-to-day life (which, I assume, would include sex).

I must admit I'm a little ignorant about this, but willing to learn. I'd love to talk to those who have done this. I want to find out how to get started and what effect is has had on other people's relationships.

Anyone care to help out a Dom wanna-be?

Dark Lover

there has got to be at least 50 threads here on the same subject so i suggest you start by looking through the forum.

 

[chris9]

And the library.
And take it slowly and talk to your wife about it all through your research. Include her in it, it's not your decision alone, she has to join you in it!

 

[DarkLover]

Sounds like good advice so far. I'm going to think about this for a few days and then ask my wife if she might be interested in looking into this.

Based on our relationship so far, I know that if we did go for D/s I would be the Dom and she would be the sub.

I've been checking out D/s web sites and I'm trying to think about how this might affect the various facets of our relationship--not just in the bedroom.

The thought of such a relationship is exciting and has its attractions, but I'm also trying to figure out the downside. What drawbacks have any of you who are in "real" D/s relationships encountered that non-D/s couples may not?

Dark Lover

 

[Jay Davis]

When you check out websites, remember that the porn sites are for fun, not for research. Put more faith in the non-fiction, how-to-ish ones.

Better yet, buy some books. Greenery Press publishes a number of relevant titles; I'm sure you can google to find them online, if you don't have a kink store within driving distance.

When shopping for toys, be leery of "adult video stores" that carry mostly videos, with only a few toys on the side. Instead, look for a store that bills itself as fetish store. Those kinds of stores (Purple Passion is one here in New York, for example) have some books and videos--about 50/50 how-to and erotica--but they'll mostly be about toys and good quality fetish wear. Unlike the regular adult video store, fetish shops are usually stocked by people who have real-life experience with the things they are selling. They'll also be aware of any local BDSM scene in your area, and my be able to direct you to more experienced kinksters who can advise or mentor you.

Communicate. Discuss your limits and your fantasies with your partner, and respect her limits as well as her fantasies. D/s only works when there's complete trust between the partners--without that, what you've got is abuse.

When you're ready to take your D/s beyond the bedroom in your relationship, do it in small doses--start with a 24-hour contract, then take a week off. Eventually go to 48 hours, and build from there. Submission can be transcendent, but it can also be scary as hell--don't drown her in it the first time out. Also, Domination is a tremendous rush (or so I'm told ), but it's also a heavy responsibility--don't take on more than you're sure you can handle.

Mostly, though, go slowly. You've got a lifetime to explore and enjoy; rushing only leads to mistakes, which can be very damaging both physically and emotionally, and which will interfere with and delay your eventual enjoyment of Domination and submission.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

[snip] ... willing to learn. [/snip]
Dark Lover

1. Read this forum. Ignore the humorous byplay that crops up now and then, and focus on serious answers.

2. Communicate with your partner.

3. Visit various sites, such as Castle Realm and others which are referenced throughout the threads.

4. Communicate with your partner.

5. Find a local BDSM group and start attending munches, etc., and listen to the more experienced members. Ask questions. Learn.

6. Communicate with your partner.

7. Read this thread. Ignore any flame wars and other irrelevancies; focus on the serious questions and answers and thoughts.

8. Communicate with your partner.

Hmmm... communication with your partner seems to be emphasized there. Maybe that's because, IMNSHO, the two of you will never establish a working D/s relationship without clear and honest discussion of your wants, needs and fears. Also, it's important for the two of you to review the same materials, and then discuss what each you think about what you've read, and how you may interpret what you've read... then perhaps ask questions of others on any differences you may come up with.

Good luck to you... enjoy your learning!