How do I....

[bianca_baci]

This is my situation:

I went to a sex toy party; my bf wanted me to buy something for the both of us (ie adult game, etc) and I ended up buying a couples massage kit AND a sex toy for me. My first sex toy actually, (please don't laugh) The Rabbit from Sex and the City episode. I was honest w/ my bf and told him I got the couples massage kit and something for me. He was not impressed. In fact he was pretty annoyed. I told him if he bought a sex toy for himself I wouldn't mind, and I honestly wouldn't-but he is throwing a fit.

My sex toy has given me amazing orgasms, though I admit my bf's tongue has knocked me out many times. When we have sex, I really don't get off. It's very difficult and challenging. I want to buy a ring vibrator (I think they are called Flutter-Rings?) and use that while we have sex.

Problem is, how do I convince him this addition isn't b/c he doesn't satisfy me, but to enhance our sex life? He usually will get me off orally then we'll have sex and he'll get off. I find the sex mostly enjoyable but not orgasmic. I tell him he's a wonderful partner, he knows he gets me off and pleases me, maybe it's an insecurity on his part? Or am I being selfish? I would like to think he'd enjoy the idea of me having an orgasm (or multiple) while having sex.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

 

[MR.GGG]

A HUGE % of women do not - ever - get off with straight PIV sex. This is especially true for young women but the threads here and other forums clearly indicate that many many women in their 30's 40's and on, have never cum from intercourse alone. The plumbing and buttons just don't match floors.

The fact that he gets you off with a good tongue lashing is, obviously, a huge bonus. Many women have to rely on the bunny or similar. The fact that he thinks you may not be cuming during intercourse sounds like maybe you've given him the impression in the past that you have been orgasming during sex.

Didn't he approve you getting some toys to enhance your sex lives? SO you get something and he's now objecting? Time, me thinks, to sit down with him and ASK what's really bugging him. He may be clued out on what a woman is capable of orgasm wise or there could be another problem. If he thinks women and men should match the number of orgasms they have tell him to read the TRY THIS thread or any of the other threads that deal with women being able to (and enjoying even) orgasm dozens of times if not more ... a LOT more in some cases.

 

[subwannabe]

Since you usually need clit stimulation to get off and since the clit usually does not get stimulated during regular intercourse, most women won't ever get off from intercourse alone. I'm not really sure how to answer your question since we really don't know him that well but I can say that you are not selfish and that you shouldn't feel guilty about pleasing yourself, with or without toys. He sounds young and often it's hard to get around a young male's insecurities. Many times he just has to hopefully outgrow them through experience. Do your best to explain it to him. If that doesn't work you have two options:

1. Play alone without him knowing

2. Find someone who is more mature

 

[nicole_quinn26]

My experience has shown that a lot of guys are intimidated by the thought of a sex toy. It tends to make them feel unneeded, or they have to compete now with something that can move faster than he can. A lot of times a simple reassurance and discussion can cure those fears. Sometimes it takes a bit of time to get over the fact you bought a toy. In one instance my ex was totally like 'what do you need that for?' and in the end we started to incorporate my toys(yes more than one lol) in our sex life. Once he got used to them anyway, but you would be amazed what a little communication can do in a situation like this. Just give him time to cool down then nicely bring it back up. It was probably a blow to his ego that you would need something like that, but what a lot(not all) of guys don't understand is sometimes we just need some 'alone time'

Now about the lack of orgasm as stated clitoral stimulation is key for a lot of women. I have an absurdly sensitive G-Spot so I don't have to *usually* worry about that. Also experiment with different positions, a lot of times that will do wonders as well. But it doesn't hurt to have him or you rub your own clit. Though I have no experience with the vibrating ring it might be a tough sell on your man from what you've said. So try just manual while you're going at it and see how that works.

 

[coastal-boy]

you were the one invited to the party. I assume it was your money. Why is it his business? Only thing you should have done different was to buy him something. If this is an issue now, my question is what will it be like if you ever get married? Will it always be what he thinks it should be that is?

 

[SexualDreamer]

Advice

You have a lot of good advice here.... I just would like to add one more thing.

My ex did not like for me to use toys because it actually got me to where I enjoyed sex. Before I started using toys I was always dry with penetration and sex was the most dreaded thing for me because it hurt me. HE would neve spend the time to get me ready. When I started using the toys and got to where I would self lube he got pissed. I mean pissed and we fought about toys on an off during our 23 yr marriage.

I refused to give up the toys...

OH and when I got to where I really LIKED Sex .. he didnt want it lol.... the ass.... Did I mention that he was EX ? lol

Talk with your b/f ... and watch his reactions. Get him to talk to you.... if you can. Some men just do not talk. No matter how much you ask.

 

[Mansa Musa]

Make him a nice dinner, and tell him this, "The toy makes me cum, but your cock makes me happy." Then, jump on him and ride him until he cums. A well-fucked man is a happy man, I always say. And if he isn't adult enough to be satisfied with a woman who's willing to fuck him at his request (even though she needs a little buzz to get fully charged), then there are always other fish in the sea.

 

[sunandshadow]

Maybe buy a male toy and use it on him while he gives you oral? Might improve his opinion of toys in general.

 

[simplegirl]

My hubby loves the fact I use toys. I've told him, toys are fun, but a cold toy in no way replaces a hot, flesh and blood partner.

Use the toy on him too. Use the vibrating tip against his cock, the base of his penis, around his testicles, etc... He's sure to get a charge out of it too.

I agree that you two need to talk about his feelings, while you two are outside the bedroom.

Once he's comfy with the idea, you can always go toy shopping together. He might get a kick out of helping pick out toys.

 

[steelknight]

Bianca,

Maybe it is because I'm different that way, but I would think that if a girl that I was with had a toy and wanted to use it with me it would be great. If you told him that it isn't a replacement, but you need and want him to use it on you and to experience the new feelings that it give you together. Tell him that it feels so much better when he is there to share it with you, or when he is using it on you. Maybe that will help. But enjoy your new toy.

Scott

 

[infinity706]

Well, if he's the kind of guy to go for such a thing, slide a condom over it and go to town on him with said rabbit. They're rather nice to guys, too, and that little rabbit eared bullet can give him a nice buzz, too. I know I'd certainly be impressed. If he's not up for that, though, maybe a less threatening vibe might work. I'm sure you can get a nice "massager" to go after him with.

You have a lot of good advice here.... I just would like to add one more thing.

My ex did not like for me to use toys because it actually got me to where I enjoyed sex. Before I started using toys I was always dry with penetration and sex was the most dreaded thing for me because it hurt me. HE would neve spend the time to get me ready. When I started using the toys and got to where I would self lube he got pissed. I mean pissed and we fought about toys on an off during our 23 yr marriage.

I refused to give up the toys...

OH and when I got to where I really LIKED Sex .. he didnt want it lol.... the ass.... Did I mention that he was EX ? lol

Talk with your b/f ... and watch his reactions. Get him to talk to you.... if you can. Some men just do not talk. No matter how much you ask.

There are guys that actually object to women that like sex? It sounds more like a rapist philosophy than anything.

 

[Noor]

My hubby loves the fact I use toys. I've told him, toys are fun, but a cold toy in no way replaces a hot, flesh and blood partner.

Use the toy on him too. Use the vibrating tip against his cock, the base of his penis, around his testicles, etc... He's sure to get a charge out of it too.

I agree that you two need to talk about his feelings, while you two are outside the bedroom.

Once he's comfy with the idea, you can always go toy shopping together. He might get a kick out of helping pick out toys.

I agree with the above, try it out on him. I find lots of men like their nipples played with, a light vibe touch could be just the thing. Also men like using sex toys on women too, it should be part of your mix of sex.

I was given my first toy about a year ago and it came with a pretty explicit DVD that showed couples using it together while having sex. Almost anywhere his fingers go during sex the toy can, and the toy won't get tired

I suspect this all comes down to presentation, you presented the toy as for you, not for both of you, in doing that you separated it from him so he is threatened. You need to "change your mind" and say its for both of you and have him go exploring with you. Tell him its just like whipped cream, an added attraction, and make it part of sex together.

 

[bianca_baci]

Thank you for the advice! I've tried going manual, it doesn't work. :/

I've attempted to present the issue in a different light however last night he made an immature, mean comment about my toy. I told him his comment was unacceptable and it hurt my feelings. He said he doesn't want to have anything to do with toys. Period.

I told him we should go shopping together and we can pick out something together. He said he'd think about it but not get my hopes up.

Oh and it was my money that I spent on my toy AND the couple's massage kit. When I went to the party I asked him if he wanted anything special (flavored lube, sex dice, games, etc) and he told me to use my best judgement. He likes the massage kit.

*sigh*

 

[nicole_quinn26]

:-/ sorry to hear that. I'm sensing major ego issues with your man. Maybe he's honestly hurt. Now I'm going to take a guess and gauge you to be around my age? early twenties? so boyfriend would also be around there? If not then I guess I'll turn in my psychic friends card anyway some guys have issues admitting when their upset so they turn on 'im a big dumb asshole' and do it that way instead. *hates that*

Might I suggest just letting the subject go for a while like more than just 24 hrs? Sometimes it takes a long time to want to do something. Plant the seed and let it grow kinda of lame analogy lol. My ex(same guy as before) also vowed to never go down on a girl. Well eventually after um months of coaxing every once in a while(not every time we had sex or talked about it) he realized it wasn't scary. PS he's a stubborn SOB! I joke that I should have his current gf thank me for that.

So a lot of times it takes a lot of patience and to as they see it 'not nag' the subject. Does that make sense?

Either way good luck

*edit*

OH! I just had a thought. You said he liked the massage kit. Maybe his issue isn't with toys but with the idea of a phallic looking one. Maybe if you showed him a bullet or something along those lines it wouldn't be like replacing him. But something you can both enjoy, I could see him not wanting to use a rabbit as its shape is supposed to resemble something he already has. Just a thought.

 

[coastal-boy]

Thank you for the advice! I've tried going manual, it doesn't work. :/

I've attempted to present the issue in a different light however last night he made an immature, mean comment about my toy. I told him his comment was unacceptable and it hurt my feelings. He said he doesn't want to have anything to do with toys. Period.

simple...what he doesn't know won't hurt him. It is his choice to be an asshole. Just remember to hide it in a very good spot so that he will never know. It isn't up to him unless you want to give your free will over to his whims. Some people are happy giving up their will; Some are not. Understand, if you are the type of person who does not like to give another person your free will and you give on this, you will be asked to give on something new tomorrow and then something new after that. The choice is yours...sorry.

 

[coastal-boy]

buy a hitachi magic wand for massages...then buy the G-spot attachment for your pleasure.