How do I.......

[bcjonlyman]

let go of a 8 year relationship with two children?

I know its going to be alot of people on Lit that don't give a fuck but I don't have nobody else to talk to.

After this month I will be homeless. I don't want to run to my family because they are as worst off as I am. I hurt my girl feelings for years and now my back is against the wall. Should she have told me how she felt or should I have known? This is the question I keep playing with in my head.

My kids probaly will not miss me either because I just have not been a great father. All my friends are gone. I let my physical presence depreciate, so I know no woman is ever going to love me again. Mainly because I don't love myself.

I just got the hang of my schoolwork and it'll be ruined now. No electricity, no homework. I been thinking about not being here no more. What for? Everything I touch turns from sugar to shit.

I even called a crisis hotline and they all but hung the phone up on me. I am very depressed. I feel like this the end. I love her!

 

[silverwhisper]

if you love her, why did you go on hurting her for years and years? you say you've got schoolwork, so this means that she's been supporting you and your 2 kids while you've been treating her like crap.

WTF was she supposed to be getting out of your relationship? you evidently aren't married so you didn't even promise to stay with her even though she's been supporting you.

ed

 

[bcjonlyman]

if you love her, why did you go on hurting her for years and years? you say you've got schoolwork, so this means that she's been supporting you and your 2 kids while you've been treating her like crap.

WTF was she supposed to be getting out of your relationship? you evidently aren't married so you didn't even promise to stay with her even though she's been supporting you.

ed

I know I put to much pressure on her and we never discussed marraige. I made alot of mistakes and I've to realized that I wouldn't
want to be with somebody like me either.

 

[silverwhisper]

i'm sorry--i truly am--but i can't think of a blessed thing to say.

ed

 

[KINDGIRL]

I am sorry too. What a horrible place to be. Been there myself a few times in this life. Where are you?

 

[M's girl]

To me.... it sounds like you have been behaving in a way that could result in no other way than her showing you the door and now that that time is there you feel sorry...... for yourself....

You say you love her, but what does that mean? I honestly think you don't have a clue about the meaning of love. At least... from the picture you paint here yourself.

The only thing you can do is make a resolution to stop this mad behaviour. Take whatever action is needed to get your life back on track for yourself and your children. Respect her for not wanting to be with you anymore, especially since you've worked so hard to finally get there ...

It's not said that people here at Lit won't help you. You need to feel the need to be helped first, though, and then you must be willing to listen and act wisely, from now on.

 

[bcjonlyman]

To me.... it sounds like you have been behaving in a way that could result in no other way than her showing you the door and now that that time is there you feel sorry...... for yourself....

You say you love her, but what does that mean? I honestly think you don't have a clue about the meaning of love. At least... from the picture you paint here yourself.

The only thing you can do is make a resolution to stop this mad behaviour. Take whatever action is needed to get your life back on track for yourself and your children. Respect her for not wanting to be with you anymore, especially since you've worked so hard to finally get there ...

It's not said that people here at Lit won't help you. You need to feel the need to be helped first, though, and then you must be willing to listen and act wisely, from now on.

All this time I was depressed and I manipulated her.

I do know what love is. It's respect, honesty, support, and friendship.
It's alot of feelings I am confused about but 8 years don't pass by and suddenly its just over.

 

[M's girl]

All this time I was depressed and I manipulated her.

I do know what love is. It's respect, honesty, support, and friendship.
It's alot of feelings I am confused about but 8 years don't pass by and suddenly its just over.

I hear you. But you say you are depressed still. There is no way you can change anything before you get your own life back on track. Maybe you should seek professional help.

And your relationship was not suddenly over. I bet you saw it coming but never thought she would go through with it when she told you time and time and time again that she could not go on like that anymore....

It's wake up time! So wake up. Work on your depression first because without that out of the way you won't be able to get anything right at this point.

 

[vanelane]

After reading some of your other posts, I'm gonna suggest getting off all the drugs and alcohol as well.

 

[bcjonlyman]

I hear you. But you say you are depressed still. There is no way you can change anything before you get your own life back on track. Maybe you should seek professional help.

And your relationship was not suddenly over. I bet you saw it coming but never thought she would go through with it when she told you time and time and time again that she could not go on like that anymore....

It's wake up time! So wake up. Work on your depression first because without that out of the way you won't be able to get anything right at this point.

I have two couseling sessions scheduled on the 12th and 13th. I asked her to go with me to couples therapy but it's over. Like you said if I love her I have to let her go. Our relationship was all good 4 months ago and I said something to trigger the hatred. Since then she has been ignoring me. One day about a week ago she finally told me her feelings. All I could say is I didnt know but I realized I should have.

 

[bcjonlyman]

After reading some of your other posts, I'm gonna suggest getting off all the drugs and alcohol as well.

I'm not on drugs or alcohol

 

[M's girl]

I'm not on drugs or alcohol

Maybe not, but you should know that the How To people (like vanelane did and I did too) most likely will check your profile and previous post to see who it is they are dealing with. I, for one, assumed your remark about not anyone here at Lit probably wanting to listen to you anyway as you knowing that you not exactly had made friends only during your time here on Lit. I read about the alcohol too and was wondering...

If you truelly seek our honest replies you need to be very honest and open too. You will also, probably, get answers you don't like.

 

[vanelane]

I'm not on drugs or alcohol

Maybe not this minute, but a quick look at your posts indicate otherwise. It's difficult to deal with serious life problems when you're impaired.

 

[webber1998]

I know its going to be alot of people on Lit that don't give a fuck but I don't have nobody else to talk to.

To hell with the those people. There are some here who will straight forward and brutally honest with you.

If you REALLY want some advice, be honest back.

So, why should your woman take you back?

Our relationship was all good 4 months ago and I said something to trigger the hatred.

Obviously there was something TERRIBLY wrong before this happened.

My kids probaly will not miss me either because I just have not been a great father. All my friends are gone. I let my physical presence depreciate, so I know no woman is ever going to love me again. Mainly because I don't love myself.

If this is TRULY the case, then you have a LOT to get over before attempting to reconcile with your GF. I wouldn't want someone that acted like this around my children at ALL until they got the help required to get THEIR OWN life back in order.

I'm not on drugs or alcohol

Your previous posts would seem to lead us to believe otherwise.

So which is it?


Just my opinion, but:

From the tone of your previous posts and the original posting of this thread, I would suggest that you seek some immediate professional help.

 

[qwezirider]

Roughly three weeks on this forum and 218 posts. How much of that time could've been spent realizing what was wrong and correcting the problem instead of seeking some kind of escape in all your threads here? If it was just you and your lady, I wouldn't have much to say. But you have kids involved and, like it or not, you have a responsibility to pull your head out of your ass, quit feeling like crap for yourself and start doing everything in your power to take care of your family.

Good Lord, give them a reason to miss you, starting right now, fix this shit, and show them the love and support you are obligated to as a parent. When you have kids, life is not any longer about you. And while I'm a firm believer that kids should not be the center of the univers and they should be the ones to be joining our respective universes, their needs (note, I did not say desires) are number one and must be taken care of. And the number one need is a parent who gives a shit, shows it, and takes care of them. If you do give a shit and love your kids (which I can only guess that you do), then wake up, pull your head out of your ass, and get to work post haste on fixing life.

Those kids are your life and your legacy. Do not fuck that up any more and lose them. Losing children, to me, is the worst thing in life that could ever happen to a person. Fix it.

 

[Starbuck69]

Roughly three weeks on this forum and 218 posts. How much of that time could've been spent realizing what was wrong and correcting the problem instead of seeking some kind of escape in all your threads here? If it was just you and your lady, I wouldn't have much to say. But you have kids involved and, like it or not, you have a responsibility to pull your head out of your ass, quit feeling like crap for yourself and start doing everything in your power to take care of your family.

Good Lord, give them a reason to miss you, starting right now, fix this shit, and show them the love and support you are obligated to as a parent. When you have kids, life is not any longer about you. And while I'm a firm believer that kids should not be the center of the univers and they should be the ones to be joining our respective universes, their needs (note, I did not say desires) are number one and must be taken care of. And the number one need is a parent who gives a shit, shows it, and takes care of them. If you do give a shit and love your kids (which I can only guess that you do), then wake up, pull your head out of your ass, and get to work post haste on fixing life.

Those kids are your life and your legacy. Do not fuck that up any more and lose them. Losing children, to me, is the worst thing in life that could ever happen to a person. Fix it.

I completely agree, they didn't ask to be born so you need to take care of them, you may not be able to fix things with your gf and that may be sad but you must take care of your kids.

So think long and hard what you did wrong to get the relationship that bad between you and your kids and fix it, just do it fast.

 

[bcjonlyman]

Maybe not this minute, but a quick look at your posts indicate otherwise. It's difficult to deal with serious life problems when you're impaired.

I was kidding about the drugs and i only drink beer every once in awhile

 

[bcjonlyman]

Roughly three weeks on this forum and 218 posts. How much of that time could've been spent realizing what was wrong and correcting the problem instead of seeking some kind of escape in all your threads here? If it was just you and your lady, I wouldn't have much to say. But you have kids involved and, like it or not, you have a responsibility to pull your head out of your ass, quit feeling like crap for yourself and start doing everything in your power to take care of your family.

Good Lord, give them a reason to miss you, starting right now, fix this shit, and show them the love and support you are obligated to as a parent. When you have kids, life is not any longer about you. And while I'm a firm believer that kids should not be the center of the univers and they should be the ones to be joining our respective universes, their needs (note, I did not say desires) are number one and must be taken care of. And the number one need is a parent who gives a shit, shows it, and takes care of them. If you do give a shit and love your kids (which I can only guess that you do), then wake up, pull your head out of your ass, and get to work post haste on fixing life.

Those kids are your life and your legacy. Do not fuck that up any more and lose them. Losing children, to me, is the worst thing in life that could ever happen to a person. Fix it.

You are right my kids are my main priority in my life. But the anger I have sometimes get directed towards them. Yelling at them for liitle silly things, I most defitenitely have to correct this problem.

 

[bcjonlyman]

I drink a beer here and there, I burn a joint once in awhile. I have a shot or two of liquor when I do get out. But by no means do I have a drug problem just to set the record straight. Drugs really don't numb the pain for me.

 

[webber1998]

I been thinking about not being here no more. What for? Everything I touch turns from sugar to shit.

I even called a crisis hotline and they all but hung the phone up on me. I am very depressed. I feel like this the end. I love her!

Again, if these words mean you have contemplated suicide, then I strongly urge you to seek professional help immediately.

 

[qwezirider]

You are right my kids are my main priority in my life. But the anger I have sometimes get directed towards them. Yelling at them for liitle silly things, I most defitenitely have to correct this problem.

It's good that you see that. Hell, I get pissed for silly things at my kids from time to time. Most any of us with kids do. The trick is to recognize it and adjust. Nothing wrong with getting upset over the big things and teaching them. Just recognize a mis-step and fix it.

As far as the drugs, etc., a beer's good now and then. I'm sure no prude or anti-drinking. I like a good stiff tequila now and then too. But the sparking of fatties has to end. I enjoy a good toke too, but I know it cannot happen now with kids in my life. It requires far too much energy and time away from them (not to mention being a bad influence) for me to justify doing it at this point in life.

To your original question, I don't know if or how you can fix what's gone bad between you and your girlfriend. That's another whole ball of wax. But if you start with the kids and get life right there, hopefully she and you can be mature enough to be civil with each other and do what's right for the kids together. Whether or not that means you two have a loving relationship anymore is beyond me. But you do have to work together for the kids and you will always have some kind of relationship with her because of them. Better to be a civil working one than a sour one. Been there, done that.

I think you know in your heart what needs to be done. And you're smart enough to know it's a long and uneasy road. Just buck up and do it. You can't spend a life wondering about the kids when you have a golden chnace to clean up what's wrong and get it right with them now.

 

[bcjonlyman]

Again, if these words mean you have contemplated suicide, then I strongly urge you to seek professional help immediately.

Trust me when I tell you thats my next step

 

[onyxvixen]

My kids probaly will not miss me either because I just have not been a great father. All my friends are gone. I let my physical presence depreciate, so I know no woman is ever going to love me again. Mainly because I don't love myself.

Of course you don't like yourself. Nobody can let their kids down, lose their GF and like themselves.

This means that the only way to begin liking yourself again is to change your behaviour. You may not be able to alter the past but you do have the choice to continue being a person you don't like, or not.

You CAN be somebody your kids can love and look up to, you CAN be somebody your GF might want to be with again. You need professional help, and I'm glad you're seeking it but in the meantime, there are still decisions you can make that affect your family and future.

Give yourself something to live for - it's all there in front of you. Get off your ass and take it. It takes strength and determination but in the long run, it IS that simple.

 

[loveumore]

You are right my kids are my main priority in my life. But the anger I have sometimes get directed towards them. Yelling at them for liitle silly things, I most defitenitely have to correct this problem.

Remember to teach your children forgiveness. If you apologize for your actions, they will learn from that.

Once you've calmed down, explain to them that you overreacted, and you'll try harder to change that behaviour.

Children need to know and to expect that us parents do wrong, and we aren't different in making mistakes. A mistake is a mistake, but there are bigger ones that are more damaging than others. They'll have a lot more respect for you if you apologize. There is not one single parent on this earth who's perfect. Know that.

 

[Flora]

I have two couseling sessions scheduled on the 12th and 13th. I asked her to go with me to couples therapy but it's over. Like you said if I love her I have to let her go. Our relationship was all good 4 months ago and I said something to trigger the hatred. Since then she has been ignoring me. One day about a week ago she finally told me her feelings. All I could say is I didnt know but I realized I should have.

It's interesting you noted things seemed fine up until 4 months ago. I wonder what the catalyst was for the escalated 'hatred'.

In the end when someone has made up their mind to leave( especially since you're not getting a chance to fix things), there's nothing you can do to stop them. They'll find every reason under the sun to point the finger at you and blame you for everything, whether or not you deserve it, when in fact there are usually three sides to each story. Yours, hers and the truth.

Best you can do is learn to stand on your own two feet, own up to your issues, get the help you need to fix yourself and build a healthy relationship with your children.