How do I stop myself from going insane?

[Raging_Bull]

I know that this doesn't fit in here, but after you read what I post you will probably understand.

The thing is that I have been chasing a dream (or was, I don't know) all my life. It isn't like finding someone special, for those dreams don't come with expiry dates, you can hope as long as you are alive. My dream is a terminal one and now the end is approaching, and I have almost lost it after 25 years of hoping. Its just a matter of time before it is over and I am done for. To add to this, I work with complete lack of self respect, for my job is something like I can either choose to keep my respect or my job. And I can't quit coz I have to support myself and I don't have any money in store either.

For this reason, I am suffering from panic attacks today, something I never experienced before. My hands and my body is trembling , I feel like I am going crazy. I haven't shaved or showered this weekend, I am banging my head over walls hoping it would shut off. I tried ironing some clothes for work tommorow, burnt them all, threw some away. Started some fights, blamed my parents over the phone for this mess I am in. I am praying that I don't get up tommorow, and it all ends tonight. I can't face getting up again tommorow and go to that hell I call work.

I need help from someone who has been in this kind of situation or understands this. How can I keep myself from going crazy? How do u shut your mind off and keep yourself from going insane. I am not asking for any charity or condolences, but I want to know if there is something in medical science to deal with this sort of thing. Please tell me if you have any idea......

I am not expecting that a bunch of medical specialists would read this but rather that someone would point me in the right direction, give me point to start with...... Please help if you can..... Anything..........

 

[superstition]

There are lots of medications out there for anxiety, depression, and panic attacks -- some long-term, some short-term that you can take while you're having the panic attack. (I'm on long-term anti-anxiety medication myself).

You need to go see a doctor, right away, before you hurt yourself. If you think you're going to hurt yourself before you can get to an appointment, you need to get help immediately -- call a suicide hotline like 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433 in the U.S.

What you're experiencing isn't uncommon at all. A doctor can prescribe you something and, if you wish, refer you to a psychiatrist or counseler, but a regular GP doctor is qualified to prescribe you something on the spot.

 

[Raging_Bull]

There are lots of medications out there for anxiety, depression, and panic attacks -- some long-term, some short-term that you can take while you're having the panic attack. (I'm on long-term anti-anxiety medication myself).

You need to go see a doctor, right away, before you hurt yourself. If you think you're going to hurt yourself before you can get to an appointment, you need to get help immediately -- call a suicide hotline like 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433 in the U.S.

What you're experiencing isn't uncommon at all. A doctor can prescribe you something and, if you wish, refer you to a psychiatrist or counseler, but a regular GP doctor is qualified to prescribe you something on the spot.

Thanks Man, but I am not on insurance. So, I guess a psychiatrist would be better on the spot thing. BTW, what does this ant-anxiety medicine do? Is it like opium? A friend on the phone just told me that all I would be getting would be opium from the doctor and that getting drunk is pretty much the same, though I don't believe him.

Please elaborate a bit if u have time...... would be grateful....

 

[qrayze]

I know what you're experiencing, been there before a few times. I never went to a doctor because I didn't want the side effects of the medication. I'm kinda anti-drug for myself, so I found other ways of getting past it.

If this is a dream of 25 years and the time for it to be fullifilled is almost up, that's a pretty big loss. When we lose something in our lives wether it be a parent to death, a spouse to divorce, or a lifelong dream, we experience loss. Loss affects us more than some ppl think. We need to allow ourselves time to grieve about it without feeling ashamed.

What you are experiencing is normal for the situation you are in; however, there are better ways to deal with it than banging your head against the wall.

Short term: Cry. I know it sounds silly, but when your emotions are so bottled up that you're shaking and your mind is whirling, you need to let them out. Crying is a great way of doing that. Cry for as long and as loud as you want. When you feel so tired that you can't cry anymore, you may drift off to sleep. If you don't fall asleep, take a bath, as in, soak in a tub of hot water. Don't worry about cleaning yourself, just sit there and soak. Once the water is cold, shower and wash. Once you're dried off and have some clothes on, call somebody. Tell them you need a listening ear and some support. Tell them all about your dream and how it won't be fullfilled and that it's really affecting you.

Long term: Find a counselor or a support group to visit weekly. A counselor or therapist can help you work through your issues you have; a support group will help you feel like you are not alone with your problems.

I have been there...even the banging my head against the wall part. I didn't need medication, but you may, so ask a therapist/counselor.

 

[Mac98]

Dude, I know exactly what you're going through cuz my dad went through something similar a few years ago. Believe me: Where there's a will, there's a way. You have MANY options layed out in front of you, but any choice you make will demand large sacrifices. I agree with superstition, though, for short term relief, there are places and people who can help.

My advice: Find a therapist and be open to working on yourself.

And to quote a God of sorts:

"Keep on, keep trucking."
-Will Ferrell-

 

[superstition]

Thanks Man, but I am not in the US right now and also not on insurance. So, I guess a psychiatrist would be better on the spot thing. BTW, what does this ant-anxiety medicine do? Is it like opium? A friend on the phone just told me that all I would be getting would be opium from the doctor and that getting drunk is pretty much the same, though I don't believe him.

Please elaborate a bit if u have time...... would be grateful....

There will be suicide hotlines in whatever country you're currently living in, which you can find by googling. I only suggest this because you sound like you're having some pretty serious thoughts about wanting to end things and that's not something that can wait even a day.

I know that going to the doctor if you're uninsured costs money, but if you're consistently feeling this terrible, well, your life is more important than money. It sounds like you can't go to your job like this, which will cost you more in the long run.

If you can see a psychiatrist, that would be ideal, but usually they're more expensive than a GP. Counsellors, who are different from psychiatrists, are not qualified to prescribe medication because they aren't doctors, but they can help you figure out what to do and refer you to someone who can prescribe.

In terms of what medication actually does: there are different types of anti-anxiety / anti-depressant drugs. The one I'm on, Lexapro a.k.a Cipralex, is an SSRI (seratonin-specific reuptake inhibitor). Seratonin is a chemical in your brain. Low level of seratonin is a key factor in anxiety and depression. The way it works is this: seratonin is released by a brain neuron into the gap between neurons (this gap is called the "synapse"). Once released, it floats around until it latches onto a receptor on the end of the next neuron, which causes that neuron to fire off a chemical message to next neuron in the chain in the same way, kind of like a relay race. (This method, using various chemicals, is how your brain communicates with itself). Eventually, the seratonin is removed from the synapse gap by a "transporter" and taken back into the neuron that sent it (the removal process is called "reuptake"). The SSRI drug stops seratonin from being removed from the synapse gap (hence "reuptake inhibitor"). This leaves more seratonin in the gap to keep latching onto the receptor and stimulating your neuron to fire. Essentially it increases the amount of seratonin in your brain.

The medication doesn't make me feel happy or elated or numb -- it doesn't make me feel anything unusual. It just gets rid of some of my compulsive anxiety so that I feel more normal and can function. It's nothing at all like being drunk or being on heavy drugs.

As I said, there are also more short-term medications that you can take, for example you would take one every time you have a panic attack. These drugs also affect the chemicals in your brain (again, NOT the same as opium or alcohol), but they're usually not meant to be used long-term. This would be something to discuss with a doctor or psychiatrist -- which type of medication would be most suitable for your situation.

Please don't rely on your friend's information. He's wrong. The best thing to do is to see a health professional so that they can advise you about medication and counselling. Mainly I want you to know that there are lots of medications out there which can help you, so it's worth going to see someone. You don't have to feel like this.

 

[NippleMuncher]

You would probably be diagnosed as being clinically depressed. Meds would be administered which may help curb your emotional sensitivities, but more than likely only succeed in castrating you mentally and physically.

I have been fighting depression for the past 8 years and it is a daily struggle to maintain my sanity. Interacting here at Lit and on a few other sites that I enjoy helps because when I'm here I'm not thinking about my own situation, I'm thinking about having fun, interacting with people that I enjoy and respect, and hiding from the trials and tribulations of real life.

Unfortunately, I believe that the only cure is to break out of the rut that your life has become. Change what makes you unhappy, and start living life on your terms. Yes, it's a little harder than than it sounds, but truly it's only as hard as you make it for yourself.

If your job is sucking the life out of you, find yourself new employment. That doesn't mean to quit your current job, that means find something new to move into AND THEN quit your current job! If you're lonely, get out of the house and start pursuing hobbies and interests, join groups and start getting to know others of like interests. The more you change what depresses you, the better you're going to feel, and it won't take any medications what-so-ever to make you feel great!

 

[old_scratch]

This probably isn’t much help, but most people when they hate their life, they change it. It doesn’t make any difference how much money you make, or how important your job is, if you are unhappy, then screw it, find something that makes you happy. There are a million things a guy can do that is fun; there is no law that says you have to live a life that is miserable.

If your dream is bringing you misery, then it isn’t a dream, it is a nightmare. Wake-up, get out of the nightmare, and find something that makes you feel good about being alive. Life is too damn short to be unhappy.

Even if you catch your dream, what do you have: a life full of misery? Who wants that? Find something you like, and let the world go screw its self.

 

[SweetErika]

You've received lots of good advice here already, so I'll just add a couple of points:

If you don't have insurance, seek out a free/low-cost clinic. Many of them even have their own pharmacies, where they give donated/sample drugs away to those who can't pay for them. I found such a clinic to be a lifesaver when I didn't have insurance after college.

But if you're in another country, prescription medications are probably far cheaper than they are here, so all you'll need to do is find the money to see a doctor. If you don't have the means to do this, can you ask your family for help? I'm sure they want to see you healthy and happy.

Secondly, if the ship has sailed on your current dream (now I'm really curious as to what it is!), how about finding a new dream and taking measurable steps toward that goal? Grieve the loss of the past dream, but refocus your energy on something positive that excites you.

And, no, antidepressants and the like aren't anything like prescription or street opioids. Definitely don't turn to addictive drugs like heroine/opium (or their prescription equivalents, or even alcohol or pot) in an attempt to dull your emotional pain. You'll just end up with a serious drug problem on top of everything else.

 

[Raging_Bull]

@All,

REALLY, I never expected this much of help and mental support from here and I am a bit taken aback with the time people took out to help out a complete stranger in distress. Distress, which people I know usually laugh at as "nothing".

I believe every post here deserves a note of thanks atleast if not more, but I can't do that given the week has just started and all hell is gonna break loose once again. Which translates that I am running short of time. But If I will try to do what I can.

You know today was a bit better in the office, partly as a result of the support I got last night. I lost some sleep but inside me it felt a bit better. Why, What? I can't answer. I just felt better and incidently the only friend I have is chasing the same dream in a worser situation than mine, I can't really talk to him either. Maybe its just the acceptance part that has made me felt better.

Actually as I said, the end is approaching, and its almost over. Since there's still a devil's chance to go get it, the little seeds of going for an all out, win or loose, do or die battle are gradually getting sown in my mind. Though its just a percent or two of my emotions, atleast I am feeling some hope. For getting to where I want, I need to study but I had lost all will to study. I don't feel like studying now either, but I am not feeling like I won't be able to ever..

Thanks everybody, without this understanding, I don't what hell I might have gotten myself into. Just this support, this acceptance of the fact by someone other than me that I am suffering has greatly cooled my mind....

I know if get fired up, I can do it. But I am not able to get fired up. Maybe a volcano takes time to erupt. Maybe I will take time for my lost will to regenerate........ I just feel so much better...... Thanks so much

 

[NippleMuncher]

I know if get fired up, I can do it. But I am not able to get fired up. Maybe a volcano takes time to erupt. Maybe I will take time for my lost will to regenerate........ I just feel so much better...... Thanks so much

Sometimes you just need a venting outlet to release some of the pressure, then life will settle back down and you can persevere a while longer. Whatever the case for you, good luck, and report back with your progress.

 

[Raging_Bull]

There will be suicide hotlines in whatever country you're currently living in, which you can find by googling. I only suggest this because you sound like you're having some pretty serious thoughts about wanting to end things and that's not something that can wait even a day.

I know that going to the doctor if you're uninsured costs money, but if you're consistently feeling this terrible, well, your life is more important than money. It sounds like you can't go to your job like this, which will cost you more in the long run.

If you can see a psychiatrist, that would be ideal, but usually they're more expensive than a GP. Counsellors, who are different from psychiatrists, are not qualified to prescribe medication because they aren't doctors, but they can help you figure out what to do and refer you to someone who can prescribe.

In terms of what medication actually does: there are different types of anti-anxiety / anti-depressant drugs. The one I'm on, Lexapro a.k.a Cipralex, is an SSRI (seratonin-specific reuptake inhibitor). Seratonin is a chemical in your brain. Low level of seratonin is a key factor in anxiety and depression. The way it works is this: seratonin is released by a brain neuron into the gap between neurons (this gap is called the "synapse"). Once released, it floats around until it latches onto a receptor on the end of the next neuron, which causes that neuron to fire off a chemical message to next neuron in the chain in the same way, kind of like a relay race. (This method, using various chemicals, is how your brain communicates with itself). Eventually, the seratonin is removed from the synapse gap by a "transporter" and taken back into the neuron that sent it (the removal process is called "reuptake"). The SSRI drug stops seratonin from being removed from the synapse gap (hence "reuptake inhibitor"). This leaves more seratonin in the gap to keep latching onto the receptor and stimulating your neuron to fire. Essentially it increases the amount of seratonin in your brain.

The medication doesn't make me feel happy or elated or numb -- it doesn't make me feel anything unusual. It just gets rid of some of my compulsive anxiety so that I feel more normal and can function. It's nothing at all like being drunk or being on heavy drugs.

As I said, there are also more short-term medications that you can take, for example you would take one every time you have a panic attack. These drugs also affect the chemicals in your brain (again, NOT the same as opium or alcohol), but they're usually not meant to be used long-term. This would be something to discuss with a doctor or psychiatrist -- which type of medication would be most suitable for your situation.

Please don't rely on your friend's information. He's wrong. The best thing to do is to see a health professional so that they can advise you about medication and counselling. Mainly I want you to know that there are lots of medications out there which can help you, so it's worth going to see someone. You don't have to feel like this.

I am thinking on the lines you guided me to...... I actually booked an appointment with the company psychologist 6 months back but couldn't go, don't know why, but I just didn't show up.......

I can't tell you how much this information means to me. Although I won't lie, this kind of medication would cost me a lot and I don't have that kind of money, I am ashamed to say this, but its the truth... I am fresh from college, wasted an entire year with the economic depression and have just started out..

But Thanks a lot. You cleared up my misconceptions and I am definitely thinking up on those lines. Maybe I will need some time to makeup my mind.....

But anyway, Thanks again...... Had I had the money, I would have gone to the doctor straightaway...

 

[Raging_Bull]

Sometimes you just need a venting outlet to release some of the pressure, then life will settle back down and you can persevere a while longer. Whatever the case for you, good luck, and report back with your progress.

Thanks Man, I will let you know when I get back that will to get back in the line and hold it again.....

Just don't have it right now..

 

[Raging_Bull]

You've received lots of good advice here already, so I'll just add a couple of points:

If you don't have insurance, seek out a free/low-cost clinic. Many of them even have their own pharmacies, where they give donated/sample drugs away to those who can't pay for them. I found such a clinic to be a lifesaver when I didn't have insurance after college.

But if you're in another country, prescription medications are probably far cheaper than they are here, so all you'll need to do is find the money to see a doctor. If you don't have the means to do this, can you ask your family for help? I'm sure they want to see you healthy and happy.

Secondly, if the ship has sailed on your current dream (now I'm really curious as to what it is!), how about finding a new dream and taking measurable steps toward that goal? Grieve the loss of the past dream, but refocus your energy on something positive that excites you.

And, no, antidepressants and the like aren't anything like prescription or street opioids. Definitely don't turn to addictive drugs like heroine/opium (or their prescription equivalents, or even alcohol or pot) in an attempt to dull your emotional pain. You'll just end up with a serious drug problem on top of everything else.

Actually I don't want to get drunk. It makes me feel more cowardly and further drives me inwards to my "worthlessness". As superstition said, those are the kinds of drugs I would need to keep my sanity intact.

As you suggested, I will try finding out something low cost though I doubt there will be something like that for this kind of thing and I won't ever ask my family because that is where all my troubles begin. I want to cut off all contact with them, for the more I get in contact, the more helplessness and betrayal I see.

I just don't have anything else that excites me except war and military history. And the more I read of heroic last stands, the more I brand myself a coward in life. So, actually that's where the problem starts. I can't reprogram myself completely. That is how I am made, that is all I can think of all the time. I used to be very active sexually 2 years back, now I don't even get a desire for that kind of thing in my head. That part has just stopped functioning .

Anyway, thanks for your support. Such kind of thing from a lovely, beautiful woman like you was really helpful...

 

[Raging_Bull]

@ ALL

As I said, I personally want to thank everyone of you but the clock is running fast and I Really gotta go...

So, Thank you each and everyone for your support. It helped. It really Did.

 

[MsGoodBody]

.....

 

[superstition]

I am thinking on the lines you guided me to...... I actually booked an appointment with the company psychologist 6 months back but couldn't go, don't know why, but I just didn't show up.......

I can't tell you how much this information means to me. Although I won't lie, this kind of medication would cost me a lot and I don't have that kind of money, I am ashamed to say this, but its the truth... I am fresh from college, wasted an entire year with the economic depression and have just started out..

But Thanks a lot. You cleared up my misconceptions and I am definitely thinking up on those lines. Maybe I will need some time to makeup my mind.....

But anyway, Thanks again...... Had I had the money, I would have gone to the doctor straightaway...

I'm happy to hear that you're not feeling so shitty.

Regarding cost... the patents for many of these drugs have expired so they're available as generic. I buy the generic brand of Cipralex (escitalopram) and it's $30 / month. The brand name stuff is really expensive, like $100 / month, but the generic is a lot more affordable.

Something else I want to mention... the long-term medications can take a month or two before they fully kick-in, so don't be disappointed if you don't instantly feel better. Also, they can have some side effects in the very beginning (like headaches, mild nausea, and insomnia), as your brain adjusts. Usually the side effects disappear after about two weeks, so it's worth sticking it out. It helps A LOT if you increase the dosage slightly each week until you reach the desired amount (even if you have to break a pill in half), but a psychiatrist would tell you more about all that.

I know a lot of people say that the drugs change your personality completely, fuck with your emotions, etc. I can only say that this hasn't even remotely been my experience. If this does happen to you, or if you experience long-term side effects, instead of giving up on the idea completely, you should talk to your psychiatrist about trying a different type of medication. Everyone's brain chemistry is different, so you might respond better to a different combination of chemicals. It's not a one-size-fits-all solution.

Ideally you want a combination of medication and counselling. Meds help balance things out chemically so that you can function again, and they put you in a better position to benefit from counselling. They help you get back on your feet, but they don't necessarily treat the source of the problem. (Therapy would, for example, address the habitual thought patterns that lead you to perceive yourself as a coward). Counselling costs a lot of money, but if it's provided through your work, you should definitely take advantage of it.

On a final note... lifestyle changes can really help as well. Studies have shown that medication works even better in combination with exercise, which is a natural mood-booster. Eating better helps, as does getting enough sleep (that one's a biggie), spending less time at the computer and more time doing stuff you enjoy, relaxing, socialising, etc. But I know from experience that it's hard to change your habits for the better, especially when you're in a rut. That's where the drugs can help, give you the boost you need to get out of the rut and start working on more permanent changes to your life.

In the meantime, please take care, and I sincerely wish you the best.

 

[SweetErika]

There are some herbal treatments that have proven results for depression. The trick is finding the one that works for you.
St Johns Wort and Valerian root.

The other trick is to find something that won't have a lot of side effects or kill you. Just because something is natural or herbal doesn't mean it's safe or effective.

If you're going to go the herbal/supplement route, you need to do a TON of research and preferably consult with someone who really knows what they're doing (like a naturopathic M.D.). St. John's Wort, for instance, can be effective, but it can also cause liver damage if it's taken for more than 14 days and it has a ton of interactions. So you need to be extremely careful. An organ transplant is WAY more expensive than getting a professional's advice in the first place.

 

[BertrandRussell]

Lots of posters have been writing about dealing with the effects. ( And, yes, that is ceratinly worthwhile ) I'd like to look at the causes.

What was the dream that you were chasing? And why is there a deadline attached to it?

What kind of work do you do? And why does it destroy your self-respect?

 

[Raging_Bull]

I'm happy to hear that you're not feeling so shitty.

Regarding cost... the patents for many of these drugs have expired so they're available as generic. I buy the generic brand of Cipralex (escitalopram) and it's $30 / month. The brand name stuff is really expensive, like $100 / month, but the generic is a lot more affordable.

Something else I want to mention... the long-term medications can take a month or two before they fully kick-in, so don't be disappointed if you don't instantly feel better. Also, they can have some side effects in the very beginning (like headaches, mild nausea, and insomnia), as your brain adjusts. Usually the side effects disappear after about two weeks, so it's worth sticking it out. It helps A LOT if you increase the dosage slightly each week until you reach the desired amount (even if you have to break a pill in half), but a psychiatrist would tell you more about all that.

I know a lot of people say that the drugs change your personality completely, fuck with your emotions, etc. I can only say that this hasn't even remotely been my experience. If this does happen to you, or if you experience long-term side effects, instead of giving up on the idea completely, you should talk to your psychiatrist about trying a different type of medication. Everyone's brain chemistry is different, so you might respond better to a different combination of chemicals. It's not a one-size-fits-all solution.

Ideally you want a combination of medication and counselling. Meds help balance things out chemically so that you can function again, and they put you in a better position to benefit from counselling. They help you get back on your feet, but they don't necessarily treat the source of the problem. (Therapy would, for example, address the habitual thought patterns that lead you to perceive yourself as a coward). Counselling costs a lot of money, but if it's provided through your work, you should definitely take advantage of it.

On a final note... lifestyle changes can really help as well. Studies have shown that medication works even better in combination with exercise, which is a natural mood-booster. Eating better helps, as does getting enough sleep (that one's a biggie), spending less time at the computer and more time doing stuff you enjoy, relaxing, socialising, etc. But I know from experience that it's hard to change your habits for the better, especially when you're in a rut. That's where the drugs can help, give you the boost you need to get out of the rut and start working on more permanent changes to your life.

In the meantime, please take care, and I sincerely wish you the best.

Thanks a lot again.
Problem is

a) I can't get even 8 mandatory hours of sleep since I come back home insane from the job and then try to squeeze in studies, mental relaxation, eating, smoking, shower, etc in the 2/3 hrs I get.

b) Eating: This is a disaster due to healthy/tasty food unavailability. I had my lunch today at 1 (Lunch Time) as I just made it to the office on time.

c) I have no hobbies save military history and I don't know how to pursue it anymore. But the more I get into it, the more I brand myself a "coward". I am a big introvert too. I don't like ppl around. Maybe this would have been different if I had a gf, but anyway..

I don't wanna go the company psychologist since my problem starts at work. What do u think the counselor is gonna do if I tell her the truth. Of how much I hate my job, how I would like to see them all being *****, etc..

I am thinking about the pills, but I think it would be better if I try to manage as long as I can without them. I already feel better after coming here. Also, I changed my room in the apartment for getting out of the same mental condition that I was in. Let's see how far this goes. Else, as you said, I will be going to the doctor straightaway.

Thanks a lot again.

 

[Raging_Bull]

There are some herbal treatments that have proven results for depression. The trick is finding the one that works for you.
St Johns Wort and Valerian root. Black Tea is known to lower cortisol (released by our bodies during times of stress) and is readily available. Eat dark choclate, it releases serotonin in the brain. (Just don't overdo it!)
Go for a walk or something, sit in the sunlight for at least 15 minutes a day (for the vitamin D - another immune fighter). Cut back on the obvious - sugar, fat, alcohol, coffee or other caffeinated drinks, etc.
In short, take care of yourself. You'll be able to handle things better overall. Which ultimately is the reason a doctor will prescribe you anti-d's anyway.
Take a deep breath and give yourself a pep talk! (another proven method for fighting depression).
From one who's been dealing with depression off and on for years...

Thanks a lot. But of the things you said, most are unavailable to me. I work in a cubicle in a closed office starting 1000 hrs for almost 10 hrs a day with no sunlight and reach home at night. Food choices to me are dictated by availability really rather than choice.

But thanks a lot for offering your 2 bits.

 

[Raging_Bull]

Lots of posters have been writing about dealing with the effects. ( And, yes, that is ceratinly worthwhile ) I'd like to look at the causes.

What was the dream that you were chasing? And why is there a deadline attached to it?

What kind of work do you do? And why does it destroy your self-respect?

Edited some parts I thought would make it obvious for someone who knows me to know about this aspect of myself. Hope you won't mind..

Thanks

 

[SweetErika]

Its just that while I invested my time research at college (undergraduate), she worked on all this shit. So If I fail, all my hard work goes down the drain. So, while I use the words Please, kindly, etc, I get back something like "I don't give a f***", etc. This is really destroying all my self respect ...... I think that answers the question...

It seems like this might be something you could talk to the company psychologist about. More specifically, how to improve your self-esteem, let things roll off your back and deal with an abusive boss.

At least you could ask what kind of confidentiality you would have before the session (though that's something they usually go over with you). I'd imagine you'd have the same level of protection that you would with any psychologist (e.g. they only share if you're an imminent danger to yourself or others, or you give them specific permission), though.

It's worth checking into because it might really help to talk to a professional in person. It could be a great resource for you, and you might as well use it while you have a chance.

 

[BertrandRussell]

... I am a Programmer and I write computer code....and I am the guy who does all that work in minutes that they couldn't figure for days on end. ...

Programming is one of the most mobile careers you can have. If you are the guy who can do the job 'in minutes' in a cartain language, certainly someone else will pay you to do it. Even if you are working in COBOL.

Why are you staying with this company? You have the skills. Go sell them to somebody who recognizes what you are worth. Put that resume out there. There are web sites for it. ( Of course, don't burn your bridges: don't put your name on a publically viewable resume, and insist on confidentiality when dealing with prospective new employers so that your current employer doesn't know until you tell them to shove it. )

Maybe you don't want to risk everything at once. Do small-job contract work. There are web sites for that too. And you can do it with a psuedonym.

Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself. If you have a skill, someone wants to pay you for it. Regardless of what language/OS you work in, someplace there is someone who will pay you and treat you respectfully. Make it your mission to find that person.

 

[NightL]

You may have more options than you are allowing yourself... and when I read "I really hate the bitch who is my age and just because she is totally involved with this shit since years knows a lot more than everybody else on the project." ...and reading before and after that... So is she your worst nightmare...? Does she make you feel inferior? If she is not intentionally doing this or even if she is... go to her and just lay it all out... "I am as good in my previous area as you are currently in yours. I know what it takes to get there, the study, the natural aptitude, dedication, intelligence and patience. I respect your abilities. I am new to this area, do you mind if I ask you a few questions from time to time while I get up to speed on this." ...turn her into an ally...

You don't have to become friends... just respect her and the others for the knowledge they have and you may get a better deal back out of them. Never be too proud to ask for help or opinions.

Try to analyse what is really causing the stress... is it purely about self esteem? Acknowledge to yourself that you are a novice in this new area... build bridges not barriers... Communicate politely and if you feel put upon by someone, tell them calmly "Any advice is greatly appreciated but I work much more efficiently when I am being encouraged rather than criticised. Can we please find a way of communicating that is beneficial to completing the job." ...be calm... and have witnesses...

As there are bad programming techniques that can impact upon the health of a system... there also can be bad eating habits, lack of exercise, lack of entertainment, company and positive stimulus that can impact on your physical and mental health... As you would pay attention and care to your programming... pay attention to how you treat yourself...

You may well have more control over your situation than you realise. Approach your problems sensibly... if things can be changed... change them... if they can't, either move on or just accept the situation... stress, anxiety and indeed anger are emotions we all to often place upon ourselves while trying to blame others.

Make your changes... you will relax... and the learning curve for the new project will be much much quicker.