How do I speak my mind on this?

[PeaceChild]

This is a difficult one for me. I am female, and have a male roomate. We have been friends for years. When his wife kicked him out, I let him move in, and things quickly turned to more than "just friends." But, we can't seem to agree on wheter or not we want a committed relationship. He says he is afraid I will drop him if my ex returns. I can't help but remember he is not completely divorced yet. Meanwhile, I am having sex with only him, but he has been meeting people over the net and sleeping with them (using protection). He wonders why I can't tell him how I feel about him! How do I explain to him that if we are ever going to have a chance at making a go of things, I want to be the only one he sleeps with? (Due to previous experience, I refuse to be in an open relationship.) I don't want to sound possesive, but I find it hard to have feelings for someone who does these things and assumes the worst about what I may do. (He knows the circumstances of my last relationship very well.) Any suggestions?

 

[Whispersecret]

Without really knowing this friend of yours (or why his wife kicked him out) I'd say you might want to look elsewhere for a committed relationship.

First of all, he's obviously on the rebound. Enough said on that subject. He's not interested in being exclusive with you, plus he doesn't trust you. That is not a good base for the kind of relationship you seem to want.

My advice is to trust that you are a terrific enough person to attract the kind of man you really want--someone trustworthy and trusting, devoted only to you, free of recent divorce emotional baggage. Don't settle.

 

[Magic Merlin]

You seem to know that you want a committed relationship! Yet, he seems to want to explore and not give you any type of committment. Personally, I don't think this is going to go anywhere positive for you. He is able to be with you, yet also run out and be with whomever else he wants. I would say his trust issue is partly an excuse to do what he wants.

To be fair to him, this may just be the place he is in at this time in his life. Whether he is aware of his treatment of you is not really important at this time. He is going to have to go through this period of his life at his own pace. He sounds as if he is on the rebound and not in the same place as you are.

To more directly answer your question of how to speak your mind on this issue, I think you have been very clear in your post. Direct honest discussion with him is the best approach. Just say to him what you have said here to us. If he is your friend, he will respond in an honest way. But if he tries to make you feel guilty in any way, so you will continue the relationship, then you have your answer.

Sorry to be blunt with my reply, but this is from a male's point of view and I've seen us men do this to often. I hope things go well for you. You deserve to be with someone that has "eyes" only for you. Take care.

[This message has been edited by magic merlin (edited 04-28-2000).]

 

[PeaceChild]

Thanx both of you for the honest response - and an honest male point of view is quite refreshing!

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

You'll never know the truth about your relationship until he moves out. Having a convenient live-in fuck buddy will do nothing to forward a serious committment in either one of you. What would happen if he moved out, and you began your affair on ground that required more effort, and wasn't tainted by the easy lure of forced closeness?

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

You'll never know the truth about your relationship until he moves out. Having a convenient live-in fuck buddy will do nothing to forward a serious committment in either one of you. What would happen if he moved out, and you began your affair on ground that required more effort, and wasn't tainted by the easy lure of forced closeness?