How do I re-light his fire -

[PMI]

.....

 

[FurryFury]

Talk with him before you hit him upside his head because you are so frustrated. That's my idea. If you two both care for one another and an issue like this is brought it, communication should help.

Good luck.

Fury

 

[PMI]

Talking is not working so good

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[EJFan]

Talk with him before you hit him upside his head because you are so frustrated.

this is more or less what i was thinking. understand that i have no way to identify with a 22 year relationship but having a discussion about this, in a non-sexual setting, is the easiest way to move beyond it. my fear is that the two of you don't find it easy (for one reason or another) to have these kinds of conversations or else you'd likely not be in such a predicament. if that's the case i think that if you want to resolve it you're going to have to throw caution to the wind and blurt the question out to him in a blunt yet non-confrontational way.

just like computer problems, rest assured that if you're having this issue many others have as well... and many have come out the other side of it in a satisfied way. and what one couple can do, another can do. i think that if you stick your neck out a bit you'll eventually work 'round to your answers with your SO.

i probably wouldn't recommend taking too many stabs in the dark at trying to arouse his interest... better to have a talk first... but if you're satisfying yourself anyway, maybe you could invite him to watch. speaking for myself, seeing a woman pleasure herself is one surefire way to get me aroused and involved.

 

[FurryFury]

Not having such good luck talking. He either gives me the "deer caught in the headlights" look, or laughs it off. Seriously, Im thinking is it legal to hide a little blue pill in his dinner?

Probably but many things are illegal. Of course they have catch you and to prove you did it.

Honestly, he sounds as if he doesn't take care of YOUR needs. That is not okay in my book. It shows a general lack of caring or numbness to the situation.

If you can't get him to listen to you and open up communications then, IMO, you should consider other options.

Fury

 

[EJFan]

Not having such good luck talking. He either gives me the "deer caught in the headlights" look, or laughs it off. Seriously, Im thinking is it legal to hide a little blue pill in his dinner?

i'm assuming your kidding a bit here but two things:

1. a little blue pill without proper advice from a medical professional can be dangerous... and...

2. if he's not interested you'll wind up with a disinterested erection and i don't think that'll solve the problem.

if he's laughing at the invitation to talk i think he may be a little insecure or close-minded about your pleasure. have you thought of returning to the basics? maybe a "date night" or something that can play out from a very humble beginning and develop into something much greater? i'm thinking that reconnecting on that basic "courting" level could lead to some moments of seduction and suggestion... something to really get his interest ramped up slowly over the course of an evening. instead it just being about sex, make it about the relationship and having fun... and see where it goes... throw in some suggestive/seductive actions & comments. would something like that work?

 

[PMI]

He does care, I just know it

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[PMI]

Thank you EJ

.....

 

[PMI]

and I am kidding about the little blue pill

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[FurryFury]

i'm assuming your kidding a bit here but two things:

1. a little blue pill without proper advice from a medical professional can be dangerous... and...

2. if he's not interested you'll wind up with a disinterested erection and i don't think that'll solve the problem.

if he's laughing at the invitation to talk i think he may be a little insecure or close-minded about your pleasure. have you thought of returning to the basics? maybe a "date night" or something that can play out from a very humble beginning and develop into something much greater? i'm thinking that reconnecting on that basic "courting" level could lead to some moments of seduction and suggestion... something to really get his interest ramped up slowly over the course of an evening. instead it just being about sex, make it about the relationship and having fun... and see where it goes... throw in some suggestive/seductive actions & comments. would something like that work?

Good advice.

A few years ago, a good friend of mine told her husband she'd been dishonest about her level of satisfaction in their sex life. I was shocked and worried for her but somehow they worked through it.

Now they have a MUCH better relationship and sex life.

There is no way to make it better without opening up communication and making certain he knows it's not a joke, not weird.

Honestly, all the men with me, even the ones that misused me, were interested in my coming by their hand. I don't understand a guy not caring about that at all.

Fury

 

[JBCorbell]

Pills, sneaked or not, only cure a physical problem. If your guys head (scuse that) isn't in the game. the physical part doesn't matter.

If you can determine the problem isn't physicaland he won't talk to you, perhaps he'll talk to a third person.

 

[EJFan]

He cares, he is just so clueless. My fault I am sure, cause I have not been open enougt with him. I would feel so pathetic, begging him for oral when he clearly does not like it. I think that watching me mast would probably turn him on, but also would frighten him, he would think there was something wrong with me....

if he cared he wouldn't be clueless... not after 22 years. and don't blame yourself. you're both in this together and, while there's likely not "blame" to be placed, whatever it is rests evenly between you both. it's not anyone's fault but it is what it is and you want to rectify it.

if he doesn't like oral i think you have to respect that... assuming his dislike is founded in some kind of rational and/or unchangable foundation. i would never force a woman to give me a blowjob if she wasn't into it (and i wouldn't get any pleasure from it that way either) so i don't think you can expect him to give you oral if he's flatly against it.

is his reason for not performing oral based on a bad experience that turned him off or is it just something he hasn't tried yet doesn't like for some unknown reason? can you live without it and find mutual pleasure in some other form? and why would he think there was something wrong with you if you masturbated in front of him? he sounds a bit uptight to me. was there ever any real physical chemistry between you? if so when/why did it diminish? i think you might be helped by finding the origin of this dilemma. if it was always there then you have a whole new kettle of fish to deal with.

 

[GaryDouglass]

A Few Suggestions

You are not alone with the problems you are having with your husband. Over the last 5 years I've talked to many women about your age who have the same problem. At first they blame themselves and then slowly come to realize that it's their husband who is having the problem. Most men don't like to discuss their sexual shortcomings so it's understandable that he won't talk to you about it.

Unfortunatley open and honest communication by both parties is the best way to solve the problem. Here are some other ideas.

1. Look on the web site www.bettersex.com They have movies and instructional videos on many different topics and skill levels. Perhaps watching one with him and making comments about oral sex looking like so much fun, or suggesting that you try something else you see in the video might help.

2. Get him to look at some things on Lit with you, or perhaps print off some stories that you like so he gets the hint that you need more than he is giving.

3. If the problems are physical then get him to see a doctor and fix the problem.

4. Touch yourself and masturbate with him watching. Let him see what brings you the most pleasure.

5. If the above don't work and he will not acknowledge that your needs are natural and important then there are many men here on Lit who would be happy to become your friend so you have someone to talk with about the problem. Many men are also having the opposite problem where they need more than the wife can/will provide. Once you get to know someone who has the same needs as you then you might find another solution to your problem. Having an online friend can help you to relieve the stress you are feeling and make the situation at home easier to bear. Of course this should only be a last resort because it can be dangerous and cause serious maritial problems if you are caught. Then too it may cause your husband to be jealous enough to finally get the picture, and try to change.

From what I've seen some men never get it, and thats sad. Lovemaking can be such a beautiful and wonderful part of a marriage, and without it the marriage will weaken and both partners will drift apart. Sometimes you need to fight for what you want/need and take desparate measures to fix the problem.

Hope that you find a way to unlock the door that he has shut between the two of you. I'm sure the wonderful men and women of Lit (the nice ones anyway) will respond to your plea for help and try to provide some useful suggestions.

Gary

 

[tribbles]

Show him some porn you found and ask to do what they are doing....

Go for a ride in the car and pull over to make out like teenagers.....

Go find toys online and eventually go toy shopping together.

Don't fuck in the bedroom....give it up. Only do it elsewhere. Table, counter, washing machine (on spin cycle ) bent over the couch, standing (find the right height heels...it has to be what they are for, cuz walking is a pain in them).

He has trouble eating you? Does he like whipped cream? chocolate? Flavor that pussy!! (Wash good afterwards to prevent infections....and pee after too...)

Buy a book on massages, tantric sex or find the kama sutra and


TELL HIM YOU WANT HIM...over and over and over....


27 yrs here and still having fun ....course, we CAN talk about it.

 

[EJFan]

If you can determine the problem isn't physical and he won't talk to you, perhaps he'll talk to a third person.

that's a good point. to me, it doesn't SOUND like a physical problem... it sounds like a hyper-traditional guy who's settled into a routine and needs exactly what the OP suggested... something to re-light his fire. the problem is that he isn't inclined to talk with her about it. couples counseling might help if he could get motivated to go (it sounds like that might be a challenge). a good counselor will EVENTUALLY get him to open up.

i think the idea that we have a couple who've been married for 22 years and are FINALLY at a point where they can really enjoy each other intimately for the first time in a long while. they haven't had this kind of freedom in ages. he's forgotten that he has this wonderful option of intimate time with his wife. what can she do to remind him of it? when the communication doesn't come easily this is a hard problem to contend with.

 

[SweetErika]

Not having such good luck talking. He either gives me the "deer caught in the headlights" look, or laughs it off. Seriously, Im thinking is it legal to hide a little blue pill in his dinner?

No, that's not legal, ethical, nor would it help his lack of libido and skills. (I'm sure you were joking, but people have -seriously- asked stuff like that in the past. )

I had a somewhat similar problem with my guy years ago, and what worked was conveying the gravity of the situation. I didn't do it with ultimatums or similar, but I did give him the message that I needed sex and pleasure to be happy, and I wanted to work together to come up with things that we were both happy with. He (correctly) assumed that it was a requirment for me to continue in the relationship, and we figured things out because we loved each other and wanted it to succeed.

A big part of the problem was that I failed to communicate seriously and be specific about what I needed to feel fulfilled and come for many years, so he just assumed everything was great, or usually pretty good.

If you're having trouble communicating, I'd strongly encourage you to seek therapy. If he won't go for some idiotic reason in spite of you communicating the importance of it, go on your own. Find a good therapist you're both comfortable with (that can be tough, but it's worth the effort).

As for the low libido, consider that he may be under more stress, have medical issues like depression or a hormonal imbalance, or something else, and address those things by going to the doctor, etc. I was worried about my husband's libido and just about to have him see a doctor when he found he was into BDSM; "coming out" as a kinkster and not supressing his true nature resulted in a surge in libido because repressing it was a chronic source of stress. I'm not suggesting your hubby's in the closet about anything, just mentioning it as a possibility since we just went through it.

 

[PMI]

Gary, EJ, Fury

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[FurryFury]

Dates are great IMO. We used to have them about once a month. It was a great way to remember why we were attracted to one another in the first place and be adults instead of parents.

Fury

 

[PMI]

and thanks tribbles and Sweet Erika too

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[EJFan]

well, as for suggestions by tribbles, I think I have tried to mix things up some. The thing is, I remember a few years back when I was so tired all the time from having babies (we have four kids, about 7 years oldest to youngest) that I did not give a DAMN about sex. I really did not care. If he would have made a fuss then, I would have had a difficult time choosing between him and celibacy. So I dont want to be too demanding, but I wonder, will I end up resenting him?

a friend of mine is in a somewhat similar situation. they have only been married a few years but he doesn't "do it for her." she's tried talking to him about it and he's either inept or doesn't retain the information for some reason... it just seems (to me as an outsider) that they don't have a physical chemistry and i'm gathering from her that they never did.

i don't think being demanding is a good choice... but being clear with him about what turns you on and what turns you off is something you need to do and information he needs to have. a good partner can pick up on a lot of those sorts of things by reading reactions but if he's not very adventurous he may never come across the things that arouse you on his own... so a little direct guidance can be very helpful.

there are two possibilities here. you can either give him the information he needs (or help him gather it in his own way) and let him make decisions with that full compliment of information... OR... you can have an unguided, underinformed lover who may or may not find the things that get you going. there's a bit of a difference between having a lover who knows what to do and either does it or not versus having a lover who is left totally clueless (in which case it seems he's turned to getting his jollies and being satisfied with that). at least if he has the knowledge you have a starting point to move beyond this.

 

[tribbles]

He gave you space when you needed it.

So go slow...figure if it takes a couple, three years to try all possible ideas, it's worth it. And get him a full physical....

So I dont want to be too demanding, but I wonder, will I end up resenting him?

Focus on the good things, not the neg ones. If you self talk the neg stuff, you WILL feel neg towards him and resent him. Remind youself often of the good stuff....

Hey, him just being patient and sticking around all these years and raising the kids is a big PLUS. He didn't push, so don't push hard now. Make a list of all the things you love about him. Read it often.

Gentle nudges aren't threatening....massages are a slow way to just get him to touch you.

 

[FurryFury]

He gave you space when you needed it.

So go slow...figure if it takes a couple, three years to try all possible ideas, it's worth it. And get him a full physical....




Focus on the good things, not the neg ones. If you self talk the neg stuff, you WILL feel neg towards him and resent him. Remind youself often of the good stuff....

Hey, him just being patient and sticking around all these years and raising the kids is a big PLUS. He didn't push, so don't push hard now. Make a list of all the things you love about him. Read it often.

Gentle nudges aren't threatening....massages are a slow way to just get him to touch you.

It is important to remember what he has done for you and your good relationship history.

However if he won't focus and communicate, I'd become resentful real damn fast anyway.

Fury

 

[PMI]

And here come the deep fears

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[FurryFury]

Now that we are into the wee hours of the morning, the really deep fears come out. What if he tries, really tries, and he cant make me come? Or maybe I should put it differently, what if he really tries and cannot help me come?

If you show him he can learn. Also he could assist you with toys. If you don't communicate and show him, he's not going to learn a damn thing. Of course he's probably going to want to fuck you if you do show him . . .



Slow steps and gentle encouragement with lot's of communication is the key. When we started talking more about sex stuff, I was more comfortable with e-mails and talks in the car when I didn't have to look at him face to face, btw.

Fury

 

[PMI]

emails, hmmm

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