How do I Orgasm?

[MissChristine]

Hello, I'm hoping some of you have a bit of advice for me. I have a lot of difficulty orgasming. I have done it, twice, once with a partner and once masturbating, but it's rare for me to actually orgasm. Me as well as my partner have tried different things, but I just can't seem to cum. I feel as if I'm going to cum soon, but I never will. Any suggestions from the ladies?

 

[SweetErika]

I have some questions for you, if you don't mind :

How old are you?

How long have you been masturbating?

Do you fantasize during stimulation?

What type of stimulation (e.g. clitoral, g-spot, anal, vaginal, nipple, oral, penetration) do you like and have you orgasmed from? What other types have you tried?

Have you tried vibrators (plural, since all vibes are NOT created equal; it can take a good amount of trial and error to find what works for some women)?

Have you thought about the conditions surrounding the orgasms you have had? Were you feeling very relaxed, not distracted, using certain types of stimulation, etc.? Think about what those times had in common, and build on that knowledge.

 

[MissChristine]

I have some questions for you, if you don't mind :

How old are you?

21

How long have you been masturbating?

Hmm, probably for around 2 or 3 years

Do you fantasize during stimulation?

Yes, that was part of why, IMO, I was able to orgasm while masturbating once.

What type of stimulation (e.g. clitoral, g-spot, anal, vaginal, nipple, oral, penetration) do you like and have you orgasmed from? What other types have you tried?

I've orgasmed to clitoral stimulation. I've had partners try oral sex, in the past it's felt really good, but not an orgasm, the other day I was getting nothing out of it. Sometimes if a partner rubs my nipples that will start to turn me on. I do consider myself somewhat inexperienced. I have not tried penetration, simply because I don't feel ready yet (but not related to my orgasm situation). My partner is very understanding of my wishes and is ready to try when I am.

Have you tried vibrators (plural, since all vibes are NOT created equal; it can take a good amount of trial and error to find what works for some women)?

No, I have never tried vibrators.

Have you thought about the conditions surrounding the orgasms you have had? Were you feeling very relaxed, not distracted, using certain types of stimulation, etc.? Think about what those times had in common, and build on that knowledge.

The first time I ever orgasmed was with a previous partner. We actually had a little fight and then when to bed. When he woke up in the middle of the night, which woke me up, he started stimulating me with his fingers, which made me come almost immediately. I don't know if it was the surprise of it that made me orgasm or what. The second time I was able to orgasm was more recentally, I was masturbating and fantasizing, and I was finally able to get off.

I do realize that the other night when my partner tried to get me off and was unsuccessful it might have been because I had alot on my mind related to work, and had just scheduled a lisencing exam for work the night before, which was definitely weighing on my mind. But the fact that I normally don't orgasm bothers me, even when I don't have alot going on.

 

[MissChristine]

BTW: perhaps I should mention, there are some "kinky" things that we've tried that bring me great pleasure, but not to the point of orgasm. I do enjoy it when he spanks me, which turns me on greatly.

 

[lovebored]

Relax is a very important part especially when you are first getting into sex. One must feel free and let her body go where it wants to. Penitration is not required. Lots of foreplay is. Take a hot bath and with some candles and perfume or insense if you like, dress seductive and well include your man or if doing it alone still get ready. One must be able to seduce oneself because if you can't who can. Try reading an erotic story, watch or look at erotic pics. get your mind tuned to what you want. Let me know how you this works.

 

[MissChristine]

Relax is a very important part especially when you are first getting into sex. One must feel free and let her body go where it wants to. Penitration is not required. Lots of foreplay is. Take a hot bath and with some candles and perfume or insense if you like, dress seductive and well include your man or if doing it alone still get ready. One must be able to seduce oneself because if you can't who can. Try reading an erotic story, watch or look at erotic pics. get your mind tuned to what you want. Let me know how you this works.

Reading erotic stories is how I was able to orgasm once, and I will definitely keep trying that for "alone" time. But I typically don't read stories before/during being with my partner.

 

[lovebored]

Maybe some role playing, If you like to be spanked then maybe a devilish little girl role

 

[CWatson]

I've got different apparatii down below, and I've known how to masturbate myself to orgasm probably since the cradle, so all I have is theory. But here's my suggestion:

The one time you succeeded? Try reproducing those circumstances. I think it might partially be psychological: "I don't know how to cum, I don't know how to make myself do it, it's not something that's normal for me." That's fine; God only knows that's basically how women are trained in our culture; a "proper" woman's Comfort Zone does not include the idea of orgasm (or maybe even sex). But that just it makes it hard to reclaim your orgasmicality (orgasmicness? Orgasmation?) when you want to, or even be comfortable in the idea of sex. (I just love the way these people think. You know what an abusive parent says to themselves the first time they apply fist to child? "Well, my parents did it to me, and I turned out okay!" Ha. If there were any justice, these sex-should-be-uncomfortable morons would have Darwin'd themselves out of the genepool long ago. Unfortunately, Mother Nature designed hormones to be smarter. But I digress.) So, there's one barrier you may be fighting: the idea that orgasm should not be in your Comfort Zone / life.

Even worse, sex is such a self-conscious activity. It's messy, it involves showing people bits of ourselves they might snicker at, there's all sorts of unsanitary body parts, it results in the secretion / expulsion of weird fluids, and we make the oddest faces and noises during it. Remember how weird it seemed the first time you heard about it?--"He sticks his what in my WHAT?? And then babies come out? What, like, right then and there?" It sounded weird because it is weird. The good news is, I think you're fine with this.

But then we add another layer with our American training to be so completely insecure about it (if all that wasn't enough). There's such a cultural focus on it right now--mostly involving the media pointing at our various naughty bits and making the "Ha-ha!" noise that kid from The Simpsons make. And insecurity / uptightness / selfconsciousness is death on good sex. Sex is natural. Sex is supposed to be natural. Sex is supposed to happen naturally. Sex can only happen if it's natural. Sex can only happen if the people having it feel that it is natural for them to have it. And that requires a certain amount of pre-exploration. The belief that your spouse is supposed to be the first person to know you carnally is wrong. The first person who's supposed to know you carnally is you.

The good news is, there's a way to overcome (ba-dum ching) all these obstacles and expand your Comfort Zone until "orgasm" is normal for you. Even better, the simplest and best way to do that is by having lots of 'em. You just do it and do it until it feels normal, until you've gotten used to it; until orgasm is solidly and reliably in your grasp. Now, I know that you will find this homework assignment tedious, dreary and even mind-numbingly boring, but believe me, young lady, it's all for the best.

Hope this helps. Again, all I have is theory, but I stand by it.

 

[lovebored]

Well if spanking turns you on then use that as foreplay and when he is spanking you or between spanks especially when your butt is hot have him finger your clit. I have brought a few damsels to orgasm that way. He spanks and then fingers this gives you time to kool the butt then spanks some more then fingers till you explode. The biggie is relax enjoy as you should. We all have the right to orgasm.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm thinking there are a few things going on: physical, mental and inexperience.

The inexperience is pretty easy to rectify. Masturbate more, keep going with the fantasies (maybe read more and keep pushing yourself to think about new/different things, so it stays fresh) and continue to try new things. Focus on what you do and don't like, not orgasming; you're simply exploring and finding the pieces that fit in your puzzle.

Physically, I'd suggest trying vibes, for one thing. You can help yourself a lot by getting one or two that work for a lot of women and are on the higher end of the power spectrum. The reality is that some women simply need more intense and/or focused stimulation to get over the edge most or some of the time. That's perfectly okay and normal; it's just the way some of us are wired (meaning it has nothing to do with being "lesser than," which is a common concern).

The vibe that works consistently, even for most women who have tried many others and never orgasmed, is the Hitachi Magic Wand. For about $50, you can get one with two blue vinyl attachments (which can be sanitized, BTW) that can be used for clit, vaginal, g-spot, anal, nipple and cock stimulation. It has enough power to make just about anyone come, but that can be toned down in various ways if it's too much. It's a seriously good value because it's a multitasker and built to last for decades, at a comparable price to a lot of junky vibes/toys that don't do much and won't last. There's a reason why generations of women and couples keep buying this "massager" (actually, it IS a decent muscle massager! ) en masse.

For me, the Hitachi plus my partner's fingers and mouth create the BEST ORGASMS EVER. I can come other ways (although I definitely need intense, focused clit stimulation for the first one at least), but I'm very partial to Hitachi orgasms; why opt for a weaker orgasm when I could have one that's so good it often makes me cry?

Another physical thing that really helps me when I'm having trouble getting there (usually because I'm tired, rushed, distracted, etc.) is to take frequent breaks. Through experience, I've noticed I plateau fairly easily - I get close fast, and then just stay there, very frustrated! Even thought it's kind of counterintuitive, I force myself to take enough of a break to calm down, do anything that I need to (scratch an itch, get lube, etc.), refocus, and then resume the stimulation. It might take a few breaks, but I usually get there quicker than I anticipate.

As I'm sure you're aware, the mental aspect is the hardest. I had a lot of trouble orgasming years ago, and basically, I had to learn to stay positive while NOT focusing on coming, distract myself from distractions with involved fantasies and just relax and let it happen.

You might find that, along with the right type(s) of stimulation, adding elements (or fantasies) of control helps give you something constructive to focus on and let go of thoughts/feelings that are hurting your chances of getting there. For instance, what if your partner (or the Dom in your fantasies) restrains you while providing several types of solid stimulation, or has you masturbate to get as close as possible without coming, or stops the stimulation at random intervals (but keeps it going long-term and eventually "lets" you come)? There are lots of ideas along these lines that can minimize the roadblocks and maximize your good feelings and confidence.



I don't know if that helps, but I certainly feel your frustration and am sending lots of good vibes your way. You'll figure out what works for you if you're patient with yourself and willing to try new things and really get to know your mind and body.

 

[MissChristine]

I don't know if that helps, but I certainly feel your frustration and am sending lots of good vibes your way. You'll figure out what works for you if you're patient with yourself and willing to try new things and really get to know your mind and body.

Thanks for all the advice. I'll definitely have to try out some of your suggestions and get back with you.

 

[SweetErika]

Reading erotic stories is how I was able to orgasm once, and I will definitely keep trying that for "alone" time. But I typically don't read stories before/during being with my partner.

This works for me, too. But they have to be really good stories.

I think it works for me because I don't think. That is, I'm focused on the story, so I don't have all of that free time to get distracted and worry about not getting there (or whatever I worry about).

Try reading the stories before and when you're with your partner (perhaps while they go down on you). Don't expect an orgasm, just see what happens a few times. If it enhances your pleasure at all, keep trying with the really good stories and involved fantasies, since it can take some time to get comfortable with something new and refine it to the point where it's really effective.

 

[MissChristine]

Well if spanking turns you on then use that as foreplay and when he is spanking you or between spanks especially when your butt is hot have him finger your clit. I have brought a few damsels to orgasm that way. He spanks and then fingers this gives you time to kool the butt then spanks some more then fingers till you explode. The biggie is relax enjoy as you should. We all have the right to orgasm.

Hmmm, I might suggest that. We have never tried that.

 

[MissChristine]

Maybe some role playing, If you like to be spanked then maybe a devilish little girl role

Ehh, an idea, but not the first thing I would want to try. While I enjoy reading stories and fantasizing, and I enjoy being spanked, I'm not sure I'd want to role play. Although I suppose to a degree when he tells me I'm a "bad girl" that needs spanked it kind of is role playing.

 

[MissChristine]

Physically, I'd suggest trying vibes, for one thing. You can help yourself a lot by getting one or two that work for a lot of women and are on the higher end of the power spectrum. The reality is that some women simply need more intense and/or focused stimulation to get over the edge most or some of the time. That's perfectly okay and normal; it's just the way some of us are wired (meaning it has nothing to do with being "lesser than," which is a common concern).

The vibe that works consistently, even for most women who have tried many others and never orgasmed, is the Hitachi Magic Wand. For about $50, you can get one with two blue vinyl attachments (which can be sanitized, BTW) that can be used for clit, vaginal, g-spot, anal, nipple and cock stimulation. It has enough power to make just about anyone come, but that can be toned down in various ways if it's too much. It's a seriously good value because it's a multitasker and built to last for decades, at a comparable price to a lot of junky vibes/toys that don't do much and won't last. There's a reason why generations of women and couples keep buying this "massager" (actually, it IS a decent muscle massager! ) en masse.

For me, the Hitachi plus my partner's fingers and mouth create the BEST ORGASMS EVER. I can come other ways (although I definitely need intense, focused clit stimulation for the first one at least), but I'm very partial to Hitachi orgasms; why opt for a weaker orgasm when I could have one that's so good it often makes me cry?

My partner keeps telling me to get a toy. Maybe he's right.

Another physical thing that really helps me when I'm having trouble getting there (usually because I'm tired, rushed, distracted, etc.) is to take frequent breaks. Through experience, I've noticed I plateau fairly easily - I get close fast, and then just stay there, very frustrated! Even thought it's kind of counterintuitive, I force myself to take enough of a break to calm down, do anything that I need to (scratch an itch, get lube, etc.), refocus, and then resume the stimulation. It might take a few breaks, but I usually get there quicker than I anticipate.

Perhaps I'll try that. I'm always afraid though that if I get close and stop that I'll lose it completely.

As I'm sure you're aware, the mental aspect is the hardest. I had a lot of trouble orgasming years ago, and basically, I had to learn to stay positive while NOT focusing on coming, distract myself from distractions with involved fantasies and just relax and let it happen.

When it feels so close, not thinking about it will be hard to do.

 

[sunandshadow]

One thought about having an orgasm after a fight is that a fight raises adrenaline levels, they would still be a bit high even while you were sleeping. So maybe try doing something adrenaline inducing, like riding rollercoasters or watching a scary movie or playing an intense videogame, then try masturbating right after.

 

[MissChristine]

One thought about having an orgasm after a fight is that a fight raises adrenaline levels, they would still be a bit high even while you were sleeping. So maybe try doing something adrenaline inducing, like riding rollercoasters or watching a scary movie or playing an intense videogame, then try masturbating right after.

Hmm. you might be right. I never gave it much thought, but just thought it might have been because he truly surprised me.

 

[konman]

Mental barrier

Bear in mind that because you've been in this conundrum for a rather long period, you have subconscious mental barriers to overcome as well.

It's like the athlete who perpetually finishes in 2nd place. After a few 2nd place finishes, it gets into his head, and he faces a more formidable mental barrier each time he fails to cross the finishing line first.

The first most important step is that he breaks the duck, and overcome the mental barrier.

 

[SweetErika]

My partner keeps telling me to get a toy. Maybe he's right.

Well, at least you know he's not threatened by toys, like a lot of men!

If you get a good toy that has worked for the vast majority of women who have tried it and can be used for all sorts of fun things (on both of you, too!), you won't have anything to lose. Good toys (I say this because there's a ridiculous amount of junk--most of it way overpriced--on the market) are a ton of fun and definitely worth incorporating into your masturbation and sex life, whether you use them as accessories or beloved basics, to use a wardrobe analogy.

Perhaps I'll try that. I'm always afraid though that if I get close and stop that I'll lose it completely.

I know that fear! I've found it to be completely untrue, however. My body takes it as teasing, and gets more determined to come with each little break. Everything feels better when I've had a little time to "reset" my nerves and I get there far quicker than I would without the break(s).

When it feels so close, not thinking about it will be hard to do.

It is, but for me, this is where fantasies, reading stories, or doing something else (playing with his cock, kissing, having him do something I like, etc.) become even more helpful. Focus elsewhere, and if it happens, it happens.

 

[sunandshadow]

Hmm. you might be right. I never gave it much thought, but just thought it might have been because he truly surprised me.

Well it could also have been because he surprised you, and that somewhat like being drunk, when you are half-asleep all your inhibitions are lowered.

 

[PassionateStars]

Not

Christine --- In addition to the great advice here to you from other women, my advice, as a guy, is to relax and not worry about it. It will sneak up on you by surprise.

 

[MissChristine]

Christine --- In addition to the great advice here to you from other women, my advice, as a guy, is to relax and not worry about it. It will sneak up on you by surprise.

I'm trying not to let it frustrate me, but at the same time, I would like to be able to experience this more.

 

[The_gladiator]

Wow, there is some really good advice here, being a guy I don't have much to add other than take your time, and believe that it will happen. If you believe it will never happen it will come true, so keep trying and don't give up hope, we're all rooting for you!

 

[infinity706]

Well, if you love spanking, you could always try getting your pussy spanked. I don't mean super hard. Sometimes, you just need a different type of stimulation.

 

[Bigsexynipples]

wow thats such a hot clit above...sorry , doesnt have much to do with the topic, i just had to comment