How do I get a girlfriend again?

[TheDude1869]

I have been gf-less for three years now after my first gf of two years left me (left me a virgin, and with not one orgasm). I have had two gfs since her and they both left me. Now fastforward three years later to the present. I can seem to talk to women anymore I get overly nervous. The last couple of women have just given me brush offs when I asked them out to coffee or some "get to know you better activity". So over the past 4 months I have lost 25lbs, I just don't know what to do now. I know that me being ugly doesn't help. I am lost. Any help?

 

[PunkGrrl18]

you have to go out, make friends, be nice to the oppisite sex. Thats all the advice i could think of, cause thats pretty much what it takes i guess.

 

[OnlyInTheMind]

No offence, but the women in your area sound really shitty! Its the same deal in my city (And you know its true when your at a club and run into some guy from out of town and hes bitching about how horrible the women in my city are after only a few hours.....I swear to god, allah, Zeus, and Yoda that someplaces are just full of horrible women (Not all of them though).

I can't help you out too much, but I'll just tell you about my last gf. We where together for a short time, but DAMN was the sex good. THough she was far more open than any woman I have ever met, and thats because she wasn't really local. She was more of a British woman, who lived here...but had her mindset and heart in England.

So what I suggest is moving someplace where the "Grass is green, and the girls are pretty"

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

Mr Dude....

It seems to me from reading your post that you suffer from a self confidence problem (no doubt developing after several failed relationships).

I was really unnerved that you refered to yourself as ugly. Ugly, IMO is a state of mind and not something we wear outside of ourselves like an item of clothing.

A man with all the "right" features could be far uglier to me than a man with all the "wrong" features based entirely on his actions.

My first piece of advice to you is to do what it takes for you to gain more self confidence. Go to the gym (as you said you have lost weight), invest in some nice clothing (it could even pay to bring a lady friend with you to help you shop for some things that might appeal to women) and take the time every day to really groom yourself (wear cologne and accessorize with a nice chain or attractive watch).

Then I would suggest you try to join into an activity that interrests you. If you like animals, volunteer at the local animal shelter. You'd have a great opportunity to involve yourself in an activity you find fulfilling and at the same time there is something irresistable about a guy with a puppy.

Once you have done those things but are still not finding Ms. Right, I would highly suggest joining a local dating service. The new ones are pretty nice and revamped and spend a lot more time finding people who are compatible. The wonderful thing about doing this is that you can have an opportunity to date people in a "safe" environment. If the date doesn't work out then you know there will be another one very soon around the bend. This could really help you get back in the swing of dating people without the fear that if there is no spark that you will be terribly hurt.

Please try to remember hon, the most sexually attractive thing about a man is confidence. Whether he weighs 100lbs or 500lbs...he will be much more attractive if he believes he is.

Best of luck to you and keep us updated.

~WOK

 

[Bobmi357]

You could try the more traditional method, hit the girl over the head with a club and drag her back to your place by her hair. Then show her your prowess by killing a buffalo for her.

Or you could try the more modern approach and stop worry about if you're going to get laid. Instead try making friends with a woman, get to know her as a person. If she likes you, you may even get lucky.

 

[CWatson]

Re: Mr Dude....

Originally posted by wornoutkeyboard
I was really unnerved that you refered to yourself as ugly. Ugly, IMO is a state of mind and not something we wear outside of ourselves like an item of clothing.

I really agree with that. Listen to him, TheDude, he's got it down. (And WOK, sorry if you're a woman. )

A couple of months ago I started taking ballroom dancing classes. At the studio, they have open-floor dance parties every Friday night, with VERY rudimentary lessons for an hour beforehand (like, "Okay, this is how you move your feet. All right, we're done!"). The men rotate partners every few minutes, because generally the women outnumber them. You dance with everybody.

There was one woman there who... Well... Not quite. You know those children's drawings of witches, in the pointy black hat and the green skin and warts and enormous stick-out chin and the huge flat nose? Like that, except that she was Hispanic. And of course she's not someone you'd immediately pick to dance with, but you could also tell--and this is said with the utmost respect--that she had a great personality. The way she carried herself, the fact that she was always smiling... Things like that. Some twist of fate had given her the face of goblin, or perhaps a mountain troll, but she wasn't letting it get in her way. If anyone did, it was me; I was so disconcerted by dancing with a friendly troll that I probably mashed her toes into a pulp. And it is disconcerting to meet someone with physical features that so plainly deviate from what we consider normal.

But let me put it this way: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She was being perfectly friendly and outgoing. The fact that her face put me off, is no one's fault but my own.

And the same can be true of you. Because, as WOK rightly said, "Ugly is a state of mind." If nothing else, think of yourself as a swan in a pond full of ducks. You're different, but that doesn't mean you're wrong.

 

[Bobmi357]

Forgetting the snide sayings like "Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone". Its a matter of confidence. Face facts, men are born ugly and get uglier as we mature.

Fortunately for us guys, women tend to mature long before we do, and as a result, they tend to see the person behind the face. I've known some very beautiful women married to what I'd consider butt ugly men. On the other hand, once I got to know those guys, I realized that it was the person the woman married, not the face.

Forget how you think you look. Make some female friends and let them tell you what they think. You'll be surprised. That chin you think jutts out too much, they will call rugged. Those bushy eyebrows, thoughtful. That big nose, gives you character. Sometimes I'd swear that women don't live in the same world we do, but even if they don't, I'm thankful for it. I also think I'm butt ugly. But my wife doesn't seem to think so, and thats good enough for me.

Finally, it seems I'm giving out the same piece of advice a lot these days, but if you're having trouble meeting women that are interested in something more than a quick "Hello, now get lost", perhaps you ought to switch to another place to meet women.

They are out there by the billions, you just have to find one, so the odds are in your favor. They hang out in bars, church groups, clubs on campus and nightclubs, charity events and concerts, to name a few of the thousands of places you could meet women.

Just say to yourself, "I'm not as bad looking as I think" and get cracking. Your woman is out there waiting for you to get off your butt and find her.

 

[wishbone96]

Its been a number of years since I was in the dating scene but those dating bars and "clubs" seemed to be meat markets with most all the women hooking up with the best looking men-what never ceased to amaze me was that they would spend the entire evening dancing with one guy and going home with somebody else out of the blue who wasn't even near tbe girl the whole night. I don't know what its like now-I am out of touch.
I would say make friends with women and appreciate them for what's between their ears rather than between their legs- Confidence is definitely an attractant. IMO colognes, neck chains, etc are garish and unless you're Latino, they are not as important. No slur intended. Confidence is probably the most important element-and I possess very little of that quality But then again I am deaf

 

[TheDude1869]

Thanks all really appreciate all your advice you've given me alot of things that I have to take into consideration. =)

 

[CelticFrog]

cologne/accessory 101

IMO colognes, neck chains, etc are garish and unless you're Latino, they are not as important. No slur intended.

wishbone,
several years ago I would have whole-heartedly agreed with you, but since meeting my husband and learning a little more about his 'sort' (lol) I have to make a friendly disagreement.

In my recent experiences, any man can come across as classy if, and I mean a big fat IF he does not overdo it. There are several factors to be considered if one wishes to not come across as a pimp wannabe.

First, one single classy chain, possibly engraved with your name, can be worked well. HOWEVER, the chain I am talking about does NOT go around your neck, and instead is worn about the wrist. I still have my grandfather's 'bracelet' and my husband has worn it on occasion, and I think it looks very sexy. A classy watch also has great appeal, just make sure it is classy, and not tacky. Again, my husband has one (God help me if I remember the name of the company, but it's big like Citizen or Fossil) that looks absolutely AWESOME on him... when used with the right outfit, we sometimes don't make it out the door.

The cologne you choose should work well with your body chemistry and not be overpowering, with one exception: if you are going to a meat market, i.e. a club, you will encounter much smoke and stankiness -- hence, it's okay under most circumstances to give yourself one extra spritz.
One good way to make sure you are spending money well and not wasting it on some popular standby, go to a department store. Actually GO to the counter, speak to the attendants - usually female - and ask them to help you. Seriously. Even if you THINK you know what smells good. There are several kinds of cologne out there, ranging from light citrusy kinds to musks to blends to whatever. When you start to get an idea of what you'd like to try, you can smell the various ones on a slip of paper that they have millions of for just such a purpose. Smell them. Find one you kinda like, or really like... they should have coffee beans handy to help you clear your 'nasal palate' in between sniffs. They can spritz your wrist with one you decide to try. Now, here's the key -- don't try to decide RIGHT NOW if you like it. Thank them, tell them you'll be back to let them know in a few minutes, and wander the tie section (or lingerie, if you feel like it...) for approximately 10-15 minutes. This gives the cologne a chance to mingle with your skin and natural oils. THEN, take a whiff of yourself, see what you think, and return to give the girls a whiff. I say this because generally they should have enough experience in their job to be able to tell you honestly if it's really working for you. Let them know you want honesty from them, not a sales pitch. Tell them you're willing to spend money on a good scent but it HAS to work with your chemistry.

It's a tough decision and one that should be made for yourself more than anyone. If it helps your own self image, then great!

Bottom line with ANY accessory if you make the decision that it may work for you: ASK the salespeople. TRY things. ASK again, look for their opinion. Tell the girls you're looking to change your image a bit. Don't go too far out of your own personal style, but don't necessarily aim for the center of your safety bubble either. If you ask for the employees' honest opinion, chances are you'll get it. Don't take negative reactions to something you've tried personally, just look at a different option that will get a positive one. These people are getting paid to do this, make them earn their keep, even if it is minimum wage. It's better than sitting around being bored.

I really hope that helps.
Ang

 

[Selflessness]

Here is a question,
How do you break the ice from friendship to relationship? (It doesn't have to be break the ice, it could be melting the ice)

 

[CWatson]

Originally posted by Selflessness
Here is a question,
How do you break the ice from friendship to relationship? (It doesn't have to be break the ice, it could be melting the ice)

Personally? I just tell her flat out. I prefer direct honesty, I'm weird that way. I find some time to sit down and talk with her, and explain how I feel, and let her respond to it as she will.

Of course, that's how I deal with everything. So there are probably other ways to do it. For instance, you could very suddenly start to be romantic or flirty in her direction; it would get her thinking. I like my solution better because then she doesn't have to go through that whole period of, "Okay, why the hell is he suddenly looking at my boobs all the time," and potentially make the wrong conclusion ("Holy shit, my bra must be showing!"). But that's just me.