How do I deal, and not lose my grounding?

[AlwaysPale]

Due to an extremely screwed-up mess of bureaucratic crud, my happy home life is strained at best.

My Master has lost all energy to spend time with me, collar "on" or "off". All the little things that make me feel he wants me around...just aren't done. I'm not even talking pet names....just little things....He doesn't call me to the door to say goodbye anymore, He doesn't ask if I'm coming to bed when he's tired...and when I do, He doesn't reach out for me anymore.

I've tried letting Him know I'm there. I've said things like "Call me when you want me in the room, I'm waiting"...and He usually just falls asleep.

Again, I'm not talking physicality.

I know He's disturbed because this is a situation He literally can do *nothing* about. And I try to give Him His space, and not pester for anything...because that's just another demand on Him that He just does not have the energy to deal with.

I'm starting to flounder and lose my sense of...not myself, but the better myself. (Wait, does that make sense? Not really, but it's the best I can do). I'm trying to be strong, for Him and my daughter, trying to keep my spirits up...but one of the key things that did it was seeing Him walk through the door, put His bag down and smile at the the fact that He was home.

Now...it's hard to smile for Him, because I cannot get Him to smile for me. I don't reach out to touch Him, because everytime he doesn't respond (at all, in any way), it's a dagger of ice for me....

Please help me help us.

 

[Stella_Omega]

How old is he? He might have experienced a testosterone drop, which will make men depressed about everything. His doctor can test him and fix it.

 

[AlwaysPale]

just turned 33. I'm 28.

 

[ataxia.girl]

This is one of the reasons i've chosen to live alone since i got divorced a year ago. i just don't see the payoff for all the work it takes to make a 24/7 relationship work. Not to mention the fact that both people have to be willing to make it work and it sounds like you're the only one who's really into it at this point.

After 13 years of marriage it was really hard at first but i am LOVING having my own household and it is so much easier to keep a relationship fresh when you don't live together. Just my opinion.

i'm sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately unless he wants things to change they aren't going to. The only person you have control over is you. Try to find happiness and peace from within yourself and from other sources besides him. If you don't, and he remains the same, which sounds probable, you're just setting yourself up for more heartache. Interestingly enough the side effect of becoming emotionally self reliant is people tend to want to be around you more because they feed off of your positive energy. On the flip side if that happens you probably won't need him or want him around.

 

[Stella_Omega]

can you get mental health services? if so-- do it. For both of you if he will go-- for yourself if he won't.

 

[eastern sun]

Times like these will come and go your whole life together if you stick it out.

My recommendation is to a. remind yourself regularly that you are giving him what he wants by decreasing your demands on him, b. ask him point blank what he would like from you right now and then give it to him, and c. find other ways to take care of yourself.

Maybe there are other aspects of life that bring you joy - hobbies, interests, family, old friends. Focus on them. Don't look to him as the source of your happiness and well-being.

I have found, in times like the ones you are describing, that if I can maintain my own sense of well-being, I am more able to respond to his needs without feeling like I'm being drained or neglected. And then, I am able to actually help him cope with the circumstances he's facing.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Another alternative is to learn to get off on neglect. i can sexualize pretty much anything, including having a "bad" Master. A lot of subs get caught up in wanting or needing to have a perfect Master but that rarely happens. So accept the fact you have a Master who just isn't that into you right now and let yourself feel all the horrible feelings that go with that. Instead of looking to him to "fix it" just go with the flow. Wear short skirts and shoot him hurt pouty looks now and then. Take pleasure in serving him well in the ways he allows which may be less intimate than you would like. So maybe right now all you get to do is domestic service or keep yourself looking sexy, with little payoff. Seek outside interests and fulfillment for your own survival. Live in the moment and stop worrying about your future relationship with him. It could very well be that you'll outgrow him or he'll come around when he sees you don't NEED him to be "happy".

No it isn't what you envisioned or what you wanted but life rarely, if ever, is. Accept him for what he is which may be less than a perfect Master. Accept you may never get back what you had in the beginning and move forward without expectation that he'll change.

 

[ataxia.girl]

How old is he? He might have experienced a testosterone drop, which will make men depressed about everything. His doctor can test him and fix it.

i love how there's always a contingent that assumes there must be some physiological reason a Master is acting like a dick.

Occam's Razor.... he's just a dick.

 

[AlwaysPale]

And I think part of my problem is trying to deal with the fact that...He might just not want me anymore.

No, nothing stays shiny forever. Never expected it to, either. But I'd be more than willing to go through the muck....but He needs to try, too.

Just a little smile, once or twice a day...

*Edit>>>God, it sounds so whiny. But this is honest with me time. *

 

[Stella_Omega]

As it happens, there is a fundamental physiological reason why men act like dicks-- they have one. More accurately, they have a whole lot of testosterone which is a very powerful and addictive drug and causes all kinds of problems both in over-doses and under-doses. it's astonishing how many dickish behaviors turn out to be related to testosterone imbalances.

If you're going to deal a man in the first place, you have to accept that the care and feeding of his dick is important to your happiness.

As it happens, I left my husband the way ataxia did. It got to where I couldn't take care of myself because I couldn't help him-- he would not be helped. It got to where I couldn't finish asking a question he would answer it "no." Didn't matter what the question was, either.

It's like a dog biting you because it's in pain.

 

[ataxia.girl]

And I think part of my problem is trying to deal with the fact that...He might just not want me anymore.

No, nothing stays shiny forever. Never expected it to, either. But I'd be more than willing to go through the muck....but He needs to try, too.

Just a little smile, once or twice a day...

*Edit>>>God, it sounds so whiny. But this is honest with me time. *

(((hugs)))

Never be afraid to look reality square in the face and you'll be okay in the long run. It sucks this is happening right when it sounds like you could use some support most but its probably happening now because he's not up for the challenge right? He'll probably deny it if you confront him. Some people are emotionally lazy.

Emotional self reliance is hard but its worth it. Sometimes it seems like it's not as fun because its not all up and down and all over the fucking place like a roller coaster but your daughter will appreciate you learning how not to need a man for your self worth.

i hope things get better for you soon

 

[catalina_francisco]

Without being a doctor, or knowing you both, it sounds too me like he is experiencing deep depression....and this I do have a long and detailed history with through my own experiences as well as others. It is difficult to feel positive when living in a situation with someone going through this, and there is no magic cure, expecially if some of the trigger/s are out of either of your control. That being said, and as frustrating and unfair as it is, he also is not able to just snap out of it.

Have you spoken to him, really spoken about what is happening? If not, try and get him in a frame of mind to listen and try and express how you see things without putting more pressure or blame on him if possible. Don't expect an immediate response, but hope there will be some response in the future. If you can get to there, you may also be able to see how he feels about seeking professional help.

Regardless of what the cause is, it is normal in relationships for one to have to support the other in a variety of ways when things are not going well. It is nice if you are the one on the receiving end, though it can also carry a heap of guilt even when you know you cannot prevent your need...but over a long relationship it usually means you both have moments of supporting the other when needed. Sounds like you are doing a good job of not pressuring him, and if it is depression driven, pressure would be the worst thing you could apply.

Bottom line is, do you love him or do you love him when things are going fine, less so when they are not? If it is him you love regardless, do your best to hang in there and wait for him as you know him to return to you, and hopefully show his appreciation for being able to depend on you.

Catalina

 

[ataxia.girl]

As it happens, there is a fundamental physiological reason why men act like dicks-- they have one. More accurately, they have a whole lot of testosterone which is a very powerful and addictive drug and causes all kinds of problems both in over-doses and under-doses. it's astonishing how many dickish behaviors turn out to be related to testosterone imbalances.

If you're going to deal a man in the first place, you have to accept that the care and feeding of his dick is important to your happiness.

As it happens, I left my husband the way ataxia did. It got to where I couldn't take care of myself because I couldn't help him-- he would not be helped. It got to where I couldn't finish asking a question he would answer it "no." Didn't matter what the question was, either.

It's like a dog biting you because it's in pain.

But why would you jump to the conclusion that any man acting like a dick has a hormonal problem?

That's like jumping to the conclusion any woman acting like a bitch has pms.

 

[Edith_UK]

Sorry to hear this darlin. I read your other post, about the powers that be screwing you over, and not having enough money to feed your daughter and all that stress

I know how all that feels. It's just overwhelming. For you and your husband. Sometimes you just have to hold fuckin tight til the worst of the being skint is over. And I don't want this to sound glib, cos believe me hun, I've been there more times then most and I KNOW how desperate and unending and depressing it can feel, but summat usually DOES come up. A mate'll lend ya some, or you'll get a cash in hand job, or an old debt'll come through (call in any money you lent to mates!), or your man'll get a promotion, or summat will fall off the back of a lorry near you. Promise. Just when you think you can't go on, it'll change xx

You know I always reckon the worst bit of having absolutely fuck all money isn't all the stuff you can't have, it's the strain it puts over your life. It's exhausting all that worrying. It's depressing how it erodes relationships with the people you love best, the stupid arguments you end up having. And it leads to this kinda stasis where you can't seem to see ahead, envisage a better, easier future.

I REALLY hope there's light at the end of the tunnel for you, cos my heart went out to you when you said your girl were saying she was hungry. That shouldn't happen, not in our rich countries.

I don't have any advice. Just hold tight to your mister, even if that aint physically. I think men take this shit harder, but us women are the ones that secretly say we've eaten so they can have our share.

Take care eh. Hope you can lend some money off mates or family.

Edie x

edit to add: PS just read your other post again yer Listen do what you have to yer to get food on the table. I always have and never felt a moments guilt. Fuck the man, his rules and his shops. Take what you need x

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Due to an extremely screwed-up mess of bureaucratic crud, my happy home life is strained at best.

I know He's disturbed because this is a situation He literally can do *nothing* about. And I try to give Him His space, and not pester for anything...because that's just another demand on Him that He just does not have the energy to deal with.

This, to me, sounds like it's an external stress that is causing how he is acting.

Is it external?

Or did he suddenly just start acting like this out of nowhere?

I think we need more info from the OP before dishing out the dime store psychology.

 

[ataxia.girl]

If it is depression he needs to own it and seek help for it once it is pointed out. i know that probably sounds harsh. i'm severely bi-polar and take meds for it. i've seen my psychiatrist for more than 2 years now and am on a very good cocktail so i'm the last person to say depression isn't real but it is very treatable and not an excuse to let a relationship fall apart. i understand when you are depressed you can't see the forest for the trees but after the conversation the mentally ill person must own their disease and seek treatment for the welfare of everyone involved.

i do think jumping to the conclusion that someone has an illness just because they aren't being supportive in a time of stress in a relationship is a cop out and it usually seems to favor the Masters.

Here's how i read it.

1) Everything was roses
2) She had a custody problem which created stress
3) He checked out
4) Posters assumed he has hormonal problems or is depressed

Maybe he's just never learned how to deal with stress and isn't a very supportive partner when times get tough. Why assume the "testosterone drop" or the depression just happened to coincide with a stressful event in the relationship wherein his partner would need his support MORE, not less?

 

[Stella_Omega]

But why would you jump to the conclusion that any man acting like a dick has a hormonal problem?

That's like jumping to the conclusion any woman acting like a bitch has pms.

I didn't jump to the conclusion, I suggested that it be explored. Because it almost always isn't.


As for why, I answered that in the post that you responded to.

 

[catalina_francisco]

If it is depression he needs to own it and seek help for it once it is pointed out. i know that probably sounds harsh. i'm severely bi-polar and take meds for it. i've seen my psychiatrist for more than 2 years now and am on a very good cocktail so i'm the last person to say depression isn't real but it is very treatable and not an excuse to let a relationship fall apart. i understand when you are depressed you can't see the forest for the trees but after the conversation the mentally ill person must own their disease and seek treatment for the welfare of everyone involved.

i do think jumping to the conclusion that someone has an illness just because they aren't being supportive in a time of stress in a relationship is a cop out and it usually seems to favor the Masters.

Here's how i read it.

1) Everything was roses
2) She had a custody problem which created stress
3) He checked out
4) Posters assumed he has hormonal problems or is depressed

Maybe he's just never learned how to deal with stress and isn't a very supportive partner when times get tough. Why assume the "testosterone drop" or the depression just happened to coincide with a stressful event in the relationship wherein his partner would need his support MORE, not less?

Yep, but as you know, the getting to the owning, or for that matter, recognising point, is a long road in itself, then finding a space where you get help that actually helps and doesn't fuck you up more is even longer....and it certainly is not helped by the one person in your life you should be able to trust taking a 'kicking to the curb' attitude such as you seem to advocate.

I didn't read it as he was a dick and unsupportive, but more as someone who isn't in a place to respond or give anything which spells depression to me. Given there are huge problems the family are dealing with, it is not uncommon for someone to crumble under the responsibility and withdraw into a place others cannot reach. It isn't calculated.

Depression and bipolar are 2 different animals, and we both (F & I) have personal experience dealing with and supporting loved ones living with both over a number of years/decades. I am at the moment wrestling with depression....it is a lifelong condition....but I reached a point where I decided to brave medication again after a few decades doing it on my own. Had an appointment today about medication changes and really, I am ready to once again say, forget it. Doesn't mean I am not willing to do what is necessary, but I have other health conditions which all depression medication fucks with and thus makes everything worse and endangers my life, then there are the other side effects related to the medication which impact heavily and make me depressed for new reasons. I am really tired of dealing with getting sicker while trying to get better and being told that is reality in my situation. For me, I am lucky I have F and his infinite patience in supporting and talking me through the darker moments, and knowing he is there for me just as I am there for him when he is not 100%. I could understand him walking, but we love each other and made a commitment to share our lives, the good and the bad, not take an easy way out and run when the going is not all fun. Everyone has to decide when enough is enough for themselves, but sometimes you find when you walk it doesn't make the problems go away, instead it adds to them....to do so in a weak moment can be a lifetime of regret.

Catalina

 

[AlwaysPale]

no, it's not His job....it's a bunch of bureaucratic B.S. that shouldn't be happening, but is. Mis-filed papers, and a clerical error on some desk-jockey's part (no offense to anyone out there, but I'm still peeved at the ruin it's been making of my life), has resulted in me losing *my* income, at least until next month.

 

[Stella_Omega]

no, it's not His job....it's a bunch of bureaucratic B.S. that shouldn't be happening, but is. Mis-filed papers, and a clerical error on some desk-jockey's part (no offense to anyone out there, but I'm still peeved at the ruin it's been making of my life), has resulted in me losing *my* income, at least until next month.

Dig in and hang on.

 

[eastern sun]

Here in New York, there are free lunch programs in the schools and certain parks. I know families for whom that is the most reliable source of food each day; and there are sites where you do not have to be enrolled to receive lunch.

Does such a thing exist in Canada?

I can't imagine that your frustration and anger with the system is not affecting the mood in the house. Maybe it's possible to take some of that energy and look for hidden benefits you can take advantage of while the paperwork sorts itself out.

 

[TexasWife25]

Dig in and hang on.

^^^ completely agree

People deal with stress our own way. I personally, tend to shut down and insulate myself, which I recognize is hard on my husband. It sounds like you are both going through a very difficult period and each searching for your own way to make it through. When it comes to situational issues, sometimes the best thing is to try to focus on you and allow him the distance he needs.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Yep, but as you know, the getting to the owning, or for that matter, recognising point, is a long road in itself, then finding a space where you get help that actually helps and doesn't fuck you up more is even longer....and it certainly is not helped by the one person in your life you should be able to trust taking a 'kicking to the curb' attitude such as you seem to advocate.

I didn't read it as he was a dick and unsupportive, but more as someone who isn't in a place to respond or give anything which spells depression to me. Given there are huge problems the family are dealing with, it is not uncommon for someone to crumble under the responsibility and withdraw into a place others cannot reach. It isn't calculated.

Depression and bipolar are 2 different animals, and we both (F & I) have personal experience dealing with and supporting loved ones living with both over a number of years/decades. I am at the moment wrestling with depression....it is a lifelong condition....but I reached a point where I decided to brave medication again after a few decades doing it on my own. Had an appointment today about medication changes and really, I am ready to once again say, forget it. Doesn't mean I am not willing to do what is necessary, but I have other health conditions which all depression medication fucks with and thus makes everything worse and endangers my life, then there are the other side effects related to the medication which impact heavily and make me depressed for new reasons. I am really tired of dealing with getting sicker while trying to get better and being told that is reality in my situation. For me, I am lucky I have F and his infinite patience in supporting and talking me through the darker moments, and knowing he is there for me just as I am there for him when he is not 100%. I could understand him walking, but we love each other and made a commitment to share our lives, the good and the bad, not take an easy way out and run when the going is not all fun. Everyone has to decide when enough is enough for themselves, but sometimes you find when you walk it doesn't make the problems go away, instead it adds to them....to do so in a weak moment can be a lifetime of regret.

Catalina

Agreed, and that's something she has to decide. It depends on how long they've been together and her emotional investment. Personally i probably would not do it at this point in my life. i've been on both sides of the battle. my ex has severe chronic fatigue and gluten intolerance. There were some really rough times. Our split had nothing to do with his or my illness. i do get the "through thick and thin" ideal because i lived it. It's just not something i want anymore, in terms of a live in 24/7 arrangement. There is life outside of that paradigm. i don't think she's either a good or a bad person for deciding one way or the other.

i can understand your frustration with medication. my illness is so severe i simply have no choice. i have to be on them, period. It took more than 6 months to get on the right combination and a very good psychiatrist because i am so sensitive. Almost all anti depressants make me severely manic. i've made the choice that the side effects of the meds, which are pretty severe, are worth the mood stabilization, for the sake of myself, my four children, and my job. For me, that's just life. Some people have to inject insulin or wear prosthetic limbs. i have to take a fair amount of psych meds every day.

i also stand by my opinion that it isn't necessarily helpful to automatically give a Master who isn't living up to their "calling" the benefit of the doubt by assuming there is some physiological or mental health problem because they have taken the lazy way out when times have gotten tough. In a way, by doing this, we are in essence giving her false hope that there is some biological reason he's not really that into the relationship anymore, when in reality he may just not be that into it now that things have gotten hard and its not that fun anymore.

 

[AlwaysPale]

There are programs like that...but they all cater to different needs. The one that I can walk to (and take Kiddo), actually won't allow children in the door. It's also the food bank, which I have already been to this month (once a month is all you get).

I have awesome friends who help where they can...but they can't help much, and then feel bad because they...can't help much.

But you guys are awesome, and even this is helping so much.

 

[sweet_secrets4u]

Depression and bipolar are 2 different animals, Catalina

There are several types of depression with varying degrees, Bipolar is one type of depression.

Alwayspale, what you described in your first post what sounds like an ordinary marriage, or relationship, going through a rough phase, for whatever the reason. So do you only want to be in a marriage when things are running smoothly and your sexual needs are being met only?? A true test of a marriage is when things don’t run smoothly and our own personal wants and needs are not being met. How much does He mean to you? And don’t forget your daughter.

Regardless of whether families are financially blessed or not, or whether families are facing stresses or strains or not, the main reason marriages and relationships fail, is the failure to communicate. Communication is the foundation for which relationships are built on. Stella_Omega’s husband didn’t want to communicate with her, regardless of how she tried to understand and want to help, so she left. Regardless of how dead something is, no matter how you try to resuscitate it, you cant.

People have shared their own experiences with you. Each one different from the other. Only you can make a decision regarding your own personal experience, but make it on the right choice and not because things are hard at the moment and your sexual wants or desires aren’t being met.

Hugs and kisses