How do I become a better dominant?

[JackintheGreen]

Greetings,
I have recently discovered the world of D/s and am exploring a relationship with my girlfriend. I would appreciate any advise or reading materials available out there.

Thank you.

Eager to learn

 

[RedButterflySlut]

Confidence, confidence, confidence. It's true for attracting anyone, but especially for Doms, confidence in what you're doing is the sexiest thing you can possibly do.

Talk with her, see what she likes but also don't be afraid to take a few risks. Make sure she feels comfortable enough to express something she doesn't like.
Find out if she likes boundary pushing or not, that's very important. Some girls find it very sexy to have their boundaries pushed, while others find it disrespectful and terrifying.

 

[bailadora]

Reading material

Click for a list of suggested books.

This is found over in the BDSM forum's library. (It's stickied at the top.) I suggest spending some time browsing through those links as well.

Good luck and have fun!

 

[sarahmiller]

be a dom

One thing she might like, if your gentle enough is a over the knee spanking. It can be erotic and fun.

 

[RuReal]

While reading is nice and all of that I tend to find that you cannot go to wrong with attending one of the many BDSM workshops offered in the local community. You can learn all kinds of great and interesting skills. To be honest most things do not take too long to pick up.

Not sure what city you are in, but there is a whole site that helps a great deal in finding your local BDSM community and finding events and such. After that you need to practice and figure out what works for you two. There is no one right way to do BDSM and that is why I said that books are not always the best answer. If you go to the events you don't even have to play, but you can watch and pick up different styles from others.

Have fun and play safe....

 

[Miles Long]

Click for a list of suggested books.

This is found over in the BDSM forum's library. (It's stickied at the top.) I suggest spending some time browsing through those links as well.

Good luck and have fun!

That's a good list! I haven't read all of those books, but I have read some, and I think very highly of those.

I second the motion to read, read, read and I would add the advice of seeking out a mentor or two. Find a couple people you get along with who are experienced at being dominant within a BDSM context and bounce your questions off them. They'll be able to give you some good advice.

Have fun!

 

[canadianpenny]

redacted

 

[satindesire]

Don't ask. Just do.

Whoa there cowboy! Slow that roll!

This is...terrible advice. Please...for the sake of all that is good and consensual, don't do this.

Get an idea of what her limits and likes are, what she's curious about. Talk to her. Don't just DO STUFF, because the last thing you want to do is end the relationship because you brought in a midget stripper on the back of a horse with a can of whipped cream and a flaming whip and wanted to "just do stuff" without okaying it with her first.

For Cereal. Establish limits, safewords and some sort of idea of what she's into before you "just do stuff". The ideal of BDSM is SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL. And "just doing" flies right in the face of that.

 

[liljuls]

*blinks* Oh yes, sooo not into the flaming whip. *blushes giggling*

 

[satindesire]

*blinks* Oh yes, sooo not into the flaming whip. *blushes giggling*

Okay.

So.

Maybe I exaggerated a little bit, but I think everyone here gets my point.

 

[Miles Long]

Okay.

So.

Maybe I exaggerated a little bit, but I think everyone here gets my point.

****redacted****

Guess I didn't have permission to share that story. Whoops!

 

[tenderlily]

Click for a list of suggested books.

This is found over in the BDSM forum's library. (It's stickied at the top.) I suggest spending some time browsing through those links as well.

Good luck and have fun!

Oh, I'd forgotten about that list. Thanks for the reminder.

Don't ask. Just do.

satindesire outlined a bit more why, but that's the worst. advice. ever.

 

[canadianpenny]

redacted

 

[satindesire]

Okay maybe you guys are thinking about it in a more freaky way....... But when a guy dominates me, I like it when he takes control from the start. That kind of confidence is sexy.

And that's how I dominate too. When I know what I want, I go for it. I take little steps when I experiment.

If you're going outside of the traditional realms of sex then discuss what you'd be introducing (ie midgets and whips) before the sex starts.

(My answer was based on the question how to become a better dominant. To me, that requires confidence and the ability to take control. If you have to ask "ddoes this feel okay?" every 2 seconds, then it's just not sexy/dominant)

Not necessarily. You can't know or just assume that ANYTHING is okay to "just do". What's sexy for one person is traumatizing and relationship-killing to the next. For instance, I may love to have my hair pulled, but what if the next girl got raped, and her attacker pulled her hair, and hair pulling was a trigger for horrible flashbacks? Hair pulling may be considered "tame" in the world of kink and fetish, but you CANNOT ASSUME it's okay just because it's considered tame.

Consent and communication is key. If you jump into things, you're risking the mental health of your submissive and the relationship. Nothing is worth that.

 

[canadianpenny]

redacted

 

[satindesire]

From an experienced perspective, one would think if the next girl got raped and wasn't comfortable with certain situations, she would disclose such a thin before entering a dom/sub relationship...

.....

So basically, you just agreed with me then?

From my own "experienced perspective", rolleyes communication is key in all relationships, not just Dom/sub. And just because a woman is a sub doesn't mean she's okay with everything, or even knows what "everything" is. If a Dom takes an interest in cell popping, but the submissive hasn't ever even heard of it, don't you think it would take some COMMUNICATION between the two to make sure it's okay with both parties before the Dom "just does it"?

 

[Miles Long]

From an experienced perspective, one would think if the next girl got raped and wasn't comfortable with certain situations, she would disclose such a thin before entering a dom/sub relationship...

I don't think I would consider it automatic to assume that a rape victim would always disclose that history to future sexual partners, even when entering into D/s or any other power exchange type play.

Can I envision a scenario in which a rape victim agrees to BDSM play with a partner without informing that partner of the past trauma and the potential ramifications it could have? Absolutely. And it could be for any number of reasons. The victim might feel embarrassed or ashamed and not want to bring it up. Maybe they feel they don't know how to bring it up. I can think of all kinds of scenarios in which it doesn't get brought up, and meanwhile the new partner is walking into a minefield.

Saying I'm a Dom and I'm going to do/take what I want may sound fine in theory sometimes, but the fact is that can really only work for partners who have built a common understanding based on trust and communication.

 

[Chaomona]

I recommend talking, it's been stated a bunch before, but one can never talk enough. Figure out what you BOTH are into. Even check out some online communities to see what is out there, talk to people if you aren't too shy. Most people in my BDSM community aren't shy when it comes to talking about why kinky is epic awesome cool. Especially online. I'm a fetlife.com fan myself.

Now, before someone brings this up, yeah, talking to people isn't ALWAYS the best route, but if someone says to hang your girlfriend up by her big toes, and use her as a punching bag, I recommend using common sense and realizing that person is kinda stupid. Common sense works a lot. And what common sense doesn't give you, all the links up above should help too... Just one more option for you to try out...

Oh and as for the flaming whip... that might sound like fun... just sayin'...

 

[Miles Long]

Possibly man week liberation Poor Chanel dough,Chanel bags lay away,Chanel tote,Free shpping Chanel prize ribald payment and high quality.
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Now who can argue with that?

 

[canadianpenny]

redacted