how can this story get any better ?

[litstorywriter]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=484196

only 2 pages but..
i spent a month editing it over and over again. i hope to have improved since my first story by adding 'dialogue' and 'long descriptive scenes'.
i realize there is no story, but i think the description is original.

please do leave me a comment. i've tried hard.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=484196

only 2 pages but..
i spent a month editing it over and over again. i hope to have improved since my first story by adding 'dialogue' and 'long descriptive scenes'.
i realize there is no story, but i think the description is original.

please do leave me a comment. i've tried hard.

First impression, nicely written. But not without problems. A few examples:

She had joked "This is your first sin."

There should be a comma after "joked" and before the dialogue. This is a minor problem throughout. Or so I think, others may chime in differently.

Otherwise nice paragraphing.

Just my thoughts.