How can I know if he doesn't?

[Guest]

Everyone in here is always saying communication!!! I agree. But what if you can tell your man anything and everything that pleases you, but when you try to talk about what pleases him, you get I don't know or you can't tell.Mostly it is I don't know. He will be watching tv or maybe looking at porn and I'll seductively ask if he would like that, he says I don't know. What the heck am I supposed to do now? Just for the record, I never will say no, he says no all the time. I guess he is not your normal man, huh? At least from what I see here. But I love him and always will. Just looking for some advice I guess.
Thanks
Cinn

 

[christophe]

hmmmmmmm i dont know what to say bout that he watches porn , but sometimes shuns your advances...very puzzling

 

[StondTmplPilot]

just do it and gauge his reaction, if he doesnt let you do it, then you will know he doesnt like it...might be he is the kinda guy that is not sure of what he likes and needs a little guidance in finding that out?

 

[Inspector Gadget]

Being open with your lover

Ive always learned the hard way but over time with my wife we were both very sexual
But we didn't want to loose respect or think that the other thought what I liked was weird.
Sex needs a lot of communication the book One Hour Orgasm tells you to explore yourself first and see what you like.
So that you can share it with your lover.

 

[Guest]

I feel like you Chris puzzled. The most puzzling I guess his he seems to want it, he'll be teasing and then I'll tease back and wham the switch goes off.He is a totally bedroom only kind of guy.
He seems to be afraid we'll get caught. The only thing is, we are in our own house, no one around, but I don't push him.He has told me that the dining room table is off limits because he could never sit down to eat the same again. I'm not sure if that is a compliment or if it could be that he thinks it is disgusting. I have been with him six years and still I am lost.But any advice will sure help and maybe give me the confidence boost I think I need. Thank You

 

[Inspector Gadget]

Sounds like years of good boy training

Some guys get turned off by aggresive women.
I can't see why intimidation I guess

sounds deeper than what you have given us

Are you his first?

Did you have sex alot before living together?

Do you know if he masterbates alot?

Has he ever asked you to perform something odd or did you ever tell him something he was doing in bed was odd?

 

[Guest]

Boy Inspector, I can't tell you everything. I would be on here for hours, days... But I guess it is total confusion on my part.When we got together he couldn't keep his hands of me or mine off him.I pretty much took his lead.He used to talk to me then. Told me he would like for me to start things up, so I did. By the way he is a few years younger then me. Anyway just in the last few months he has stripped me of my cofidense. He told me I was horny all the time so I left him alone and waited for him. If I leave it up to him , we would make love once a month.He just doesn't seem interested at all. He looks at porn sites with and without me.Which is fine with me, I trust him. Believe me he isn't having an affair either. We call each other at work alot. Mostly because the kids keep our schedules changing. We do get alot of time on weekends alone.When the kids aren't here we have free time for whatever we want.But he never wants, he just watches tv and goes to bed to sleep. Like I said he shows signs throughout the day or whatever , but when the oppertunity arises the switch goes off. Either I am totally off the wall or he just doesn't like sex ( or me) anymore. Does this make any sense at all?

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Cinn honey - it sounds like your marriage/relationship needs some professional counseling - for both of you, but especially him. That is my best advice.

 

[cinnamon1686]

Well I guess I will have to try some reading or something because I know he won't do the counsling thing. I might myself though. Thanks

 

[It'sasecret]

Wow cinnamon, you sound just like me! What is it with these guys????? My husbnad barely shows any interest in sex. When I ask him his fantasies he says he "I don't know" He watches porn but will not let me join him. He wont try anything new. Same boring sex for the past 7 years. Sorry to tell you but I have tried everything, and nothing seems to work.

 

[cymbidia]

Okay, i know i'm sometimes a one-note player but here goes...

Cinn, have you and he discussed fantasies revolving around Dominance and submission? He sounds submissive - and before you get your panties in a bunch - there is a world full of very virile and dynamic men, brawny, men's men types, who are sexually submissive.

He sounds submissive to me, dearie. Maybe some education on your part, then a little talking with him about it... or some hands-on experimentation if he won't/can't discuss it is in order? And, just so you know, there is *nothing* shameful or bad or wrong about needing/wanting/fantasizing about issues of power and control in lovemaking. It's perfectly natural and can be played out and/or expressed by you and your partner to whatever degree is mutually satisfying. One need never wear leather hoods and wield whips in order to experience BDSM sexuality on a regular/irregular basis.

In the How To... forum, there's an ongoing thread specifically for discussion of BDSM issues. Many people come there for newbie advice and info. It's open to you, too, of course. And, no - of course you do not have to read the whole alarmingly long thread before you post. http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=39661

 

[cinnamon1686]

I know secret. Do you ever find when he does decide he can build up to it it's like he has no passion. Just like he is going through the motions. Once in awhile he seems to be enjoyimg himself , but I just don't understand. I'm really tired of the I don't know answers.He is a great husband and father, I couldn't ask for none better. He does make me happy, except in the sex department, he does make me feel good , but I would just like to explore more and not the same routine everytime, ya know.
Boy this is how most men describe the women huh? Well I just feel better knowing I am not the only woman with this problem.:

 

[It'sasecret]

Yes cinn, I am VERY sick of the "I don't knows". He just seems not to have any passion. He is a very plain person all around not just in the bedroom. I offer to him what most guys beg their girls for. I have discussed this problem at length on the How to Board. A lot of people have suggested that he is no longer attracted to me, that he is gay, that he is cheating etc... I know those things are not true. I have flat out told him I am not satisfied and explained what I need for him to do, but it has not helped. A lot of my friends tell me I am going to end cheating on him because I will go crazy. I really don't know what to tell you. Good Luck!

 

[PowerOfOne]

Everyone has been brought up differently. It really depends on what his parents brought him up to believe. If someone hears that, "sex is nasty" and " a NICE woman would never be aggressive with men" then it is easy to see this carries over into adult life. Ask him about his upbringing regarding sex and see if you can get any insight from that. Hangups are a bitch!!

 

[Latina]

A lot of men like the IDEA of sex, but not the EXPERIENCE of sex. They sort of go through the motions. They love watching a woman seduce a man in a porno, but the real-life experience of a sexually-aggressive woman terrifies them. But when you're horny, who wants to wait for HIM to make the first move? My first husband was like that. He liked chasing women at the office, but he had no idea and no interest what to do when he caught one (me). He loved me, but he barely touched me in 17 years.

My second husband was barely sexual at all as a bachelor, until he met me. He was shy, somewhat withdrawn, a little bit nerdy, and totally unaware how good-looking he truly is. Luckily for both of us, something clicked between us. Even after 5 years of marriage, two teenagers adopted during previous relationships (his duaghter and my son), etc., etc., the spark of passion is always VERY hot between us. He greets me at the door with a kiss, and he loves when I dress-up sexy for him. He dresses-up sexy for me, too. He loves for me to push him down on the bed, the floor, the couch, or wherever, and ride him or suck him, and I love doing this because he is SO appreciative when I do.

I've heard it said women should raise their sons to be the kinds of lovers they wish they had. But it doesn't work. We have a 14-year-old son, he has never listened to anything I tell him. I've tried to teach him to be good and kind and loving to women, to be attentive and caring about what SHE wants and needs in a relationship and in bed, but he is a very aggressive and angry young man, and I fear that his attitude will spill-over into the relationships with girls in his high school and later in life.

I don't know the answer, I just count myself lucky that the second time around, I married a man who enjoys sex with me, the EXPERIENCE as well as the IDEA of sex. Why more men aren't like this, is a complete mystery to me.

-- Latina

 

[April]

Cinnamon, have you thought there might be a medical cause to his lack of desire? Or other emotional issues? But if he won't go to a doctor or to counseling, there is not much you can do. I wish you luck.

 

[Guest]

Well, hope this helps:

I've had three long term girlfriends (between the ages of 21 and 30) and out of them the relationship that was the closest, most valuable and most intimate was the last.

With the first two I ended up (after several years) exactly as you describe, but with the last (although now sadly ended) it never went that way.

So here's my 2 cents worth - when a bloke says "I don't know" he's lying - he know's exactly what he wants, how he feels, but doesn't know how to express it. He's probably afraid of hurting your feelings (possibly afraid of asking for/suggesting something he thinks you will think disgusting).

I've been here as a bloke and it's awful. Did you have a really good sexlife when you started together and quickly burnt out all the conventional ideas? Could it be you need to try something new (not just a new position, but something neither of you have tried before, something special just for you together?)

Tried talking dirty, not crass, but really "I want your body/want to swallow everything you can give me/fuck me please, baby/make me cum" sort of thing?

The reason he's looking at porn (in my "been there opinion") is because it's fantasy driven......possibly he wants someone who is presentable in public, mother to his children (everything you are) and a TOTAL (no holds barred, love you, no questions asked) WHORE in the bedroom, but still with the intimacy that comes from trusting someone.........

Can't promise to fix all your problems, but hopefully give you something to think about and work on together......

Best of luck..please let us know how you get on....

 

[cinnamon1686]

Thanks everyone for all the interesting advice , I guess time will tell. I won't give up!!!!!!! I LOVE HIM !!!!!!!!!
Thanks again
Later

 

[It'sasecret]

Love.... Thats why I have not given up yet. Just to give you an idea of how UNsexual he is... Last night I decided to surprise him while he was in the shower. So I joined him. He was pretty much just lke "oh hi", then he went on to tell me how when he was at his friends house earlier that day his friends baby kept on farting and sticking up the house!!!!!!! Not my idea of pillow talk. Stupid me gave him a blow job anyway.

 

[cinnamon1686]

I know Secret, it happens like that for me too. Just keep trying, don't give up. I'm not going to. Once in awhile we have great sex and he seems to be alright.He just never waants to talk about our sex life and wonders why I do. I try to explain, but to no avail. But there has to be something to break this rut. I will think of it as a challenge and eventually I hope to win. Good Luck to you ( us ) Secret.


Anybody else have some ideas for us. Any info or feelings will help. I hope.

 

[Merelan]

Except for the men here at Lit. I have never been able to find men that were willing to talk about it and share fantasies. Their logic was why talk about it? Wham bam is enough for them, women need more then the act. They want the seduction, the romance, or the fierce intensity. It scares many men off. The raw power it gives them or you to seduce or whatever. You know what I mean. It is like emotions, they won't discuss those either. It embarres them.

Like I said, this does not include those who have found their way here to Lit. Well, not all of them. Maybe reposting the question, but address it to the men here. maybe they can help.