How can I get laid?

[fifty5]

For menopausal reasons and others, I haven't had my leg over this century!

To make it worse, I'm turned on by slim, taut bodies (female) and I'm now 57 (you've seen my av)...

My wife understand me, so that isn't the issue, though working in a lorry cab (thus, alone) is one.

The question is: "How do I score again before I die?"

Any suggestions?

 

[Dar~]

For menopausal reasons and others, I haven't had my leg over this century!

To make it worse, I'm turned on by slim, taut bodies (female) and I'm now 57 (you've seen my av)...

My wife understand me, so that isn't the issue, though working in a lorry cab (thus, alone) is one.

The question is: "How do I score again before I die?"

Any suggestions?

Its been more than five years? And your wife will let you have sex outside of marriage? Well I know first hand that a lot of women are interested in older men and 55 or even 60 isn't really all that old. ( I wouldn't be all that worried about dying )

I would suggest being very frank and place a personal advertisment looking for a sexual partner with proof that they are disease free. You wouldn't believe how many women are out there who want a committment free fuck buddy.

 

[fifty5]

Its been more than five years? And your wife will let you have sex outside of marriage? Well I know first hand that a lot of women are interested in older men and 55 or even 60 isn't really all that old. ( I wouldn't be all that worried about dying )

I would suggest being very frank and place a personal advertisment looking for a sexual partner with proof that they are disease free. You wouldn't believe how many women are out there who want a committment free fuck buddy.

Place an ad where?

Dar(ling), you give me hope.

 

[Dar~]

Place an ad where?

Dar(ling), you give me hope.

Lit has personals and there are all sorts of adult personals online. Also in your area there should be a paper with personals.

 

[sophia jane]

There are even online personals sites that are specifically for sexual type relationships.

I have an ad up on my local dating site, and I've been contacted by two married men looking for affairs. I wasn't interested, but obviously there are other people who are doing this kind of thing.

 

[fish_fish]

One time I saw a t-shirt that said, "If you want to get laid, crawl up a chickens ass and wait."

that probably wasn't too helpful.

sorry- no good ideas.

 

[rgraham666]

Can't help ya, fifty5.

I've given up looking myself. You get used to it. Somewhat.

 

[TxRad]

Don't look at me..... I gave up on it a couple of years ago......

Rob are ya sure that you get used to it? I'm just glad my body pillow can't talk...

 

[mack_the_knife]

For menopausal reasons and others, I haven't had my leg over this century!

To make it worse, I'm turned on by slim, taut bodies (female) and I'm now 57 (you've seen my av)...

My wife understand me, so that isn't the issue, though working in a lorry cab (thus, alone) is one.

The question is: "How do I score again before I die?"

Any suggestions?

Go where the artsy crowd is. Drama queens cant resist a good affair. Book clubs, art groups, amateur theater, after hours language classes, hell, political rallies.

Art folk are easy, as a general rule, they thrive on drama and what better drama than a lonely man seeking any contact with anyone because of his cold wife? (I'm winging it here)

Now, don't be thinking you're gonna be tossing down with a sweet little 19 year old (though stranger things have happened), but you may well run into a nice late 30's to the 50's lady who is at least in decent shape and has decided to remain on estrogen if she is menopausal, so will have a normal female sex drive. (though I've heard some women become more sexually agressive after menopause, as the testosterone tha the estrogen has been shielding takes over).

The only real way to land the elusive poon-fish is to put yourself out there and meet the eligables. You could go the online route, but you might find out you have an icepick crazy at the other end after investing long hours and much money. At least with drama folk, you know they're crazy before you start, though most won't pick up an icepick.

Some things to remember -
1 - Always look interested, even if they are boring you to tears.
2 - If they fall asleep while you give them a backrub, feel them up, they're not asleep.
3 - If she invites you into her flat, your are very likely home free.
4 - Act guilty afterward, kick that drama level up a notch for the next session.
5 - Don't be afraid to admit you know nothing about whatever they seem to be an expert in. Drama queens love to demonstrate their incredible knowledge of trivial matters.
6 - Don't berate their exes, that will just make them run back to them. Try to commiserate without speaking of the ex at all.
7 - COMPLIMENT THEM ON EVERYTHING! Looks, smarts, talent, skill, knowledge, cleverness, figure, tastes, and mannerisms.
8 - During, make a lot of noise, even if you really don't feel it. These are drama folk, they're used to overacting, they want 'Hollywood' sex, not normal people sex.
9 - Once in a while (about 1 time a week) berate something they said/did/wore/created, to remind them of the the world's utter lack of a reason.
10 - Drink java or cappuchino, not coffee.
11 - Read books by dead Russians.
12 - Read poetry by dead Britons, especially those who wore a lot of black.
13 - Overreact to things. You don't like something, you LOVE something, you don't dislike something, you LOATHE something, it isn't good it's AMAZING, it doesn't suck it is ABOMINABLE. If a situation calls for slight annoyance, fly off the handle, if it calls for happiness, go utterly manic. If it calls for remorse, cry a friggin river.
14 - Grab it when it's offered. You never know when that little drama queen will crawl back into her shell and not put out and you surely don't wanna be put in the 'like a brother' or 'too nice' category.
15 - on 14, establish within the first five minutes of meeting that you are NOT the 'nice guy' who will not take advantage of a girl, you are exactly the guy who will nail her finger-painting ass to the mattress if given half a chance.

I hope that helps. While mostly tongue-in-cheek, goin after artsy types for a quick piece of tail is a valid option, and you WILL find yourself doing some of the things on that 15 point list to nail them.

Edited to say - If you are an artsy type and find this article offensive, please relay that to my complaint department at trash@mymailbox.com. I'm trying to help a brother out here in need! It calls for drastic measures when a man hasn't put his wheels to the pavement in five years, K? Please remember, I'm not making up the game, just playing by the rules that were created before I even got my first set of dice.

Edited again to say - Oh, and if you go for the amateur theater route, you're a shoe-in for the king roles, man, you got that whole wise man look down. And those artsy types rarely distinguish between real world power and wealth and make believe power and wealth. As me about my bodyguard when I was the Baron of Pensacola in the live-action vampire game, that was one hot tamale and she was all eat up at sleepin with the head vampire dude, and I'm not even goth!

 

[logophile]

Mack - your response was Amazing and Abominable!
Nicely done!

 

[minsue]

The problem with only wanting to fuck those with taut, slim bodies is that those walking around in them often feel the same....

 

[sophia jane]

The problem with only wanting to fuck those with taut, slim bodies is that those walking around in them often feel the same....

True enough. Besides, those of us who aren't physically perfect can still be pretty damn great in bed. And elsewhere for that matter.

 

[minsue]

True enough. Besides, those of us who aren't physically perfect can still be pretty damn great in bed. And elsewhere for that matter.

Indeed.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I do believe there are certain women out there who exchange sexual favours for cash...

 

[impressive]

The problem with only wanting to fuck those with taut, slim bodies is that those walking around in them often feel the same....

Taut, slim bodies are fleeting. A good heart is forever.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I read this article on another webpage where a guy said that he had a friend (in his 50'ies) who complained that young guys were so shallow. They only wanted boyfriends their own age, young, pretty, sexy guys. They ruled out anyone over 30, and that was so unfair, because older guys had experience, technique - and could be pretty sexy, too!
The guy in the article then asked his friend "well, then how come you never go for guys your own age? How come you're only interested in young, pretty, sexy guys?"

The friend answered: "That's different."

 

[oggbashan]

With increasing age I find that the number of women I find desirable increases.

I have always liked slightly older women as well as ones of my own age (and since I was 21 to comply with Lit's conventions) ones slightly younger than myself as well.

Given King Og's age that means that any woman less than 5,000 years old (and over 18) is a possible.

However, most women draw the line at anyone over 100 years so although I'm willing to be adaptable, they aren't interested.

However I still have my imagination...

Og

 

[fifty5]

One time I saw a t-shirt that said, "If you want to get laid, crawl up a chickens ass and wait."

that probably wasn't too helpful.

Maybe not, but it gave me a laugh. Thanks, fish

 

[fifty5]

The problem with only wanting to fuck those with taut, slim bodies is that those walking around in them often feel the same....

I'll admit I've got blotches and a bald spot, but hand-balling stuff off wagons is at least 50% as good as the gym. I'm not slack and bloated...

And I have practiced!

And I am a little realistic - I know I'm not going to pull Zeta Jones!

 

[fifty5]

I do believe there are certain women out there who exchange sexual favours for cash...

Yeah, but I sign that blood donor form every 3 months...

 

[fifty5]

True enough. Besides, those of us who aren't physically perfect can still be pretty damn great in bed. And elsewhere for that matter.

Who's perfect? And why "us" in that? You're adorable!

 

[fifty5]

Taut, slim bodies are fleeting. A good heart is forever.

I'm in total agreement.

The former can still make a one-night-stand work for the requisite hundred or so minutes...

I have wonderful friends who meet your criterion.

Because of their, or my, proclivities, we don't go to bed together.

 

[fifty5]

I read this article on another webpage where a guy said that he had a friend (in his 50'ies) who complained that young guys were so shallow. They only wanted boyfriends their own age, young, pretty, sexy guys. They ruled out anyone over 30, and that was so unfair, because older guys had experience, technique - and could be pretty sexy, too!
The guy in the article then asked his friend "well, then how come you never go for guys your own age? How come you're only interested in young, pretty, sexy guys?"

The friend answered: "That's different."

Check out my other answers, Svenska. I sincerely wish that simple simon would respond to all those ladies that my mind does. The difference is between what gets simon rarin' to go and people I like.

Taking somewhat from the way your contribution is expressed, I have a really great friend who is gay. When we meet I always give him a hug - and wouldn't hesitate to kiss his lips if he wanted. But I couldn't go to bed with him, even if he wanted to.

Age, per se, isn't the issue, it seems to be body shape (and gender).