How can I get better?

[Lustin Kink]

My second posting was approved some time ago however I have not received too much feedback on it. The story is called "A Change In Life". The link is below. Aside from the typos I found after it was already posted, what can I change or correct to improve my writing? Please speak your mind. I have a thick skin. I'm looking forward to your feedback.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=193695


Also, if you are interested, the next part called "Life Keeps Changing" was submitted for approval today. Thanks in advance for your input.

 

[Sigmund_Freud]

Hi Lustin,

You'd like to know how can you improve your writing, and my prescription is always to read lots and lots of other people's good writing - particularly modern published erotica, like M. Christian or Susie Bright. Read, read, read - beause a lot of what makes good writing is hard to qualify.

Regarding your post, I have some feedback which I hope will be useful. First - keep writing! You've written a classic plot - couple hooks up under unusual circumstances and, despite doubts, have a rousingly good bout of excellent sex. I think there are three areas you might want to keep in mind while writing. The first is your pacing: this is a hard thing to do with sex!

Your goal in this story was to move our heroine from out of her car in the traffic jam, into the bar, and then back home with her new friend. The only essential spaces to this story, I think, are the bar, and her place. Thus, the idea she was stuck in a traffic jam could be flashed back to, rather than made so explicit, and "dragged out" so to speak.

example (after introducing us to Stephanie at the bar):

"Stephanie downed her crown and coke, her frayed nerves grateful for the alcohol after her hour-long imprisonment in the commuter traffic inching along the interstate. All that auto exhaust seeping through her car's vents had made her feel like a fumigated cockroach. In a fit of desparation, she had pulled her car off the expressway, blindingly driving down a nearby boulevard in the crummy end of town before spying the seedy bar and pulling over."

And so we reduce all that driving bit to one graf, which is really all we need to kick off the plot and explain how she comes to being in a bar with a coworker (a bit unlikely an event, but hey, it's fiction).

The second thing - and this is even harder - is trying to build the rapport between our lusty couple. I can see you've tried to do it: Stephanie has an ex-husband, and feels old compared to Chuc- er, Charles. Charles looks like he has a thing for a slightly older woman, though I can only assume. But I get little sense of Charles, and only a taste of Stephanie (no pun intended). One way to build that rapport is have them talk more, and you talk less.

Don't tell me as much about the time passing, but have them chat about Stephanie's ex (why did they split?) and what Charles is about. The goal of the conversation would be for them to find some sort of emotional connection that would give Stephanie a reason to stop and turn, just as she's about to leave, and invite him back. Otherwise, I really don't know why she did that, and so the effect is somewhat wooden. This is also the time to build a little sexual tension. Charles can see halfway down Stephanie's top, or a good dea of the way up her skirt. Stephanie can see all kinds of detail on theback of Charles' hands, or the shape of his chin, or the fact that a mysterious bulge has appeared in his pants.

Finally, back at Stephanie's place, is our sex dialogue. The all-caps exclamations ("YOUR FUCKING COCK IS SO FUCKING GOOD!") are obviously meant to convey some urgency and volume in their voices, but you need not use caps. One reason is that caps are taken to be shouting in netiquette, and therefore rude, so there's some cognitive dissonance created by the visual effect of your caps. But it's more because it's a very unsubtle way to create urgency and drama, when all you really need is a single exclamation mark and a well-placed adverb.

Also remember that you needn't be stunningly original with some of your verbs. So, for example, one of your lines of dialgoue reads:

"'Oh, yes, Charles! That's right! Fill me with your hot load!' she ordered."

We can see it's something she's asking for (so adding that verb is a bit redundant - like saying that someone has "quipped a joke"), but not necessarily in such an imperative way. i.e. not "ordered." A different verb might instead describe the quality of Stephanie's voice at this late stage in the sex. So perhaps:

"Oh, yes, Charles! That's right! Fill me with your hot load!' she plaintively squeaked.

Or whatever your tastes in female voices dictates....

But otherwise, a rousingly good effort, and a fun read! I do hope that was helpful, and good luck. Don't become jaded about romantic stories and start writing the demented kind of stuff I've ended up doing.

Take care,

Sigmund

 

[Lustin Kink]

Sigmund,
That's exact;y the kind of feedback I was looking for that for the your time. I will take your suggestions to heart. If your interested, the next episode with Stephanie and Charles was just approved. It's called "Life Keeps Changing". Link is below. Thanks.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=204042

 

[Bacteriophage68]

喂.

喂.
我猜某人在你的著作上已经给你暗示 ... 废话。

 

[Sigmund_Freud]

Hi Lustin,

Not as much time for me to go into detail, but I have read your second part. I'll list my thoughts in no particular order...

My goodness, our horny couple engage in - well, just about everything! We've got whipped cream, ass-eating, cunnilingus, Domination, and maple-flavoured cock (which I assume comes from a "sugar bush"?)...

It's clear you want to develop their sexual relationship over several chapters. I think with erotica, what you want to do is concentrate a little more on celebrating one particular activity with good prose. So rather than give a technical description of what they do next, and mention how good it is, you might devote a chapter each to ever-increasingly adventurous activities. Charles and Stephanie are still new to each other, so I think, in reality, it's unlikely they'd progress from a good fuck to being each other's ass-whores within one date. It's possible, but it would be much more enjoyable if one session they tried whipped cream, the next, a good session of oral sex, and the next some exploratory ass-play. Otherwise, what have you left for chapter 3 that we haven't seen before?

Beyond that would be some of the more biological details...

Ah, yes, such as their orgasms. Perhaps have them scream less, lest the police knock on their door. I have yet to hear such screaming and hollering from two humans having sex - racoons, maybe, but not our protagonists. In fact, I think it's very erotic for a woman to orgasm, uttering nothing more than a tight squeak at the crescendo of what is otherwise a silent ecstasy. It rather suggests the ecstasy's intensity simply cannot be expressed vocally.

In a similar vein - and I think this was mentioned in a nearby thread this week -- Charles may be full of cum, but not that much! Honestly, I think the most a virile, young man will produce is not much over a tablespoon. It is still enough, however, to decorate a woman with a pearl necklace, or seep out into her panties and stain her skirt a few minutes later in front of the photocopier, after she has stepped out of the supply closet and fixed her hair.

Beyond that, the same observations as last time apply (I know you had already written this before then). For a good example of erotica using food (on at least one scene that I recall), and with some dom stuff with the kind of coarse language you like, why not try reading "Sexus" by Henry Miller. Available at your local Barnes and Noble (unless you're in a red state.. )

Cheers,
Sigmund
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=202490

 

[Lustin Kink]

Thanks again.

Sigmund,

Thanks for your poignant feedback on another one of my submissions. My intent with this story was to allow Stephanie to open the flood gates on all the repressed sexual energy she has been storing for the past 7-10 years. I do recognize that I went a bit overboard and stepped outside the bounds of reality.

Since receiving your feedback on the first part of Stephanie's and Charles' escapades, I have read through all of my writings to date and found that I do need to tone things down a bit. As you can tell from my writing style, I am all about the raw and raucous description of events. I don't see that changing anytime too soon but in the future I will pay attention to fact that human testicles cannot hold gallons of semen. LOL.

Thanks again and I hope to keep you as a faithful reader of my work. Your constructive criticism is always well taken.

~Lustin

P.S. My mind is already cooking the next episode for Stephanie and Charles.

 

[Sigmund_Freud]

LOL - Lustin, you're very welcome. I think your raucous style portents well -- it shows you have passion in your effort. That's why I suggested reading Henry Miller's "Sexus" - now here's a book with raucous, unbridled, unapologetic animal sex!

Happy writing, take care,

Sigmund