How a haircut leads to sex in the kitchen

[mrhoodoo]

When it rains, it pours. Had my cherry popped, came back for seconds, and now my balls are swelling with the urge for more! This is my third erotic coupling story here (not a series or consecutive chapters), and is basically about an experience with my friendly neighborhood hairstylist.

I appreciate the few comments and votes I've received for my previous stories, and it appears that I'm doing something right (other than enjoying myself). Please feel free to comment and let me know what you like, or what I can do better.


http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=286943

 

[Hotcappucino]

I liked the the setting/situation. Sex scene and build-up were good. Spelling and grammar were good, but there were at least a couple of sentence fragments (for example, "Massaging and squeezing her breasts and nipples while our tongues played.")

Speaking of "massage," I would find another word or phrase to use in several of its places because, to me, it seemed to be used too often (ten times in this short, one page story). At least, the word appeared often enough to be noticeable by me.

I'm not sure I liked the phrase "... Kellie's hot juices flowed over the kitchen floor." While there may be some women who gush larger amounts of fluid than average, this particular phrase seems over-exaggerated.

I appreciate the lack of physical descriptions of either character (especially bra size, which is so annoyingly found in many stories). I found it easier to imagine my own hair stylist in the story when I wasn't tied to any specific image.

Lastly, I would like to see more dialog throughout the story, but especially so at the beginning. That would help establish what the characters are like, what their personalities are like, and what they are thinking coming into this situation. Writing good dialog, something other than the "ooh, yeah, fuck me" type lines, can be difficult but adds a lot to the depth of the story (that is, if you're interested in writing anything other than a quick stroke story).

All-in-all, a nice story, good short read.

 

[mrhoodoo]

Thanks!

Thanks Hotcappucino for the excellent feedback! I appreciate the time you spent to read it, break it down and provide valuable and well thought out feedback and solid advice.

I'm still trying to put it all together and learn what works/what doesn't and develop my style, or at least what feels right for me. Not sure I'm really ready/willing/able to expand much beyond short stories at this point, but I have to start somewhere, and your feedback/advice helps a lot and gives me some great food for thought.

Cheers! B)

 

[DonFox]

Having once had my hair trimmed by a buddy's hot wife who happened to be named Kelli, I have to say I liked this story a lot, mrhoodoo! Of course, my experience ended a bit differently, this Kelli leaving me with a bad haircut and major hard-on, but still...

Hotcappucino hit most of the minor problems on the head, the dialogue being the most troublesome. Otherwise, this is a potent little male fantasy that achieves its goals nicely!