XXNoraJeanXX
Experienced
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- Aug 26, 2007
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Hot or Not?
- Thread starter XXNoraJeanXX
- Start date
tickledkitty
Precious.
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2007
- Posts
- 6,753
It doesn't really "work" for me, but the writing is not bad. There are places where you use too many words to describe something, but this is just my opinion. For example:
First of all, I don't like winking pucker. Is it really winking? I know it's hard to find words for asshole that don't sound too crude. Maybe get rid of winking? Also, you use the word pucker twice more in this paragraph. Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. Perhaps simply saying anus would work here.
You say ever so slightly twice and then ever so gently in the same paragraph. I'd get rid of ever so for at least two of them. I'm not sure you really need it at all.
You also use the phrases "white rounded ass" and "pretty pink pucker." It just seems like too many words to me. Maybe because these phrases are in close proximity.
Reaching back toward the side table that had held the whip, he palmed a bottle of lubricant Here you're calling it a side table, and at the beginning of this selection you say he laid the whip on the coffee table. I think you could say Reaching back to the table, he palmed a bottle of lubricant or something simlar. I think simplicity is better.
As I said, this is just my opinion, and I may be nitpicking. Overall, it's not bad.
First of all, I don't like winking pucker. Is it really winking? I know it's hard to find words for asshole that don't sound too crude. Maybe get rid of winking? Also, you use the word pucker twice more in this paragraph. Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. Perhaps simply saying anus would work here.
You say ever so slightly twice and then ever so gently in the same paragraph. I'd get rid of ever so for at least two of them. I'm not sure you really need it at all.
You also use the phrases "white rounded ass" and "pretty pink pucker." It just seems like too many words to me. Maybe because these phrases are in close proximity.
Reaching back toward the side table that had held the whip, he palmed a bottle of lubricant Here you're calling it a side table, and at the beginning of this selection you say he laid the whip on the coffee table. I think you could say Reaching back to the table, he palmed a bottle of lubricant or something simlar. I think simplicity is better.
As I said, this is just my opinion, and I may be nitpicking. Overall, it's not bad.
Last edited:
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2006
- Posts
- 10,872
Well... the first sentence has a punctuation error. That's not a good start. The first paragraph absolutly, positively HAS to be perfect. Otherwise, all you'll get are back clicks. Clean up your punctuation, grammar and spelling.
I would suggest you find an editor too because this story seems contrived and trite. Even the line about the Master stopping maintenance from oiling the hinges on the dungeon door. That was a nice image you created there, but still contrived.
You have a habit of doing something with your dialogue. For example -
The way this is written He says the line, then he orders her cooly. What you want to say is -
"Get on your knees and crawl to the sofa, he ordered cooly.
This way the order and the line are tied together.
Also, you totally over use the exclamation point (!). You only use that with orders implicit with danger, warning, etc. And it indicates a raised voice or scream Like "STOP!"
I'm not really into the BDSM thing, so I cannot comment on how she is being treated. That would have to come from someone into that Catagory.
But this story will come along. It's a fair start and you should keep going with it.
But get an editor who does BDSM.
JJ
I would suggest you find an editor too because this story seems contrived and trite. Even the line about the Master stopping maintenance from oiling the hinges on the dungeon door. That was a nice image you created there, but still contrived.
You have a habit of doing something with your dialogue. For example -
The way this is written He says the line, then he orders her cooly. What you want to say is -
"Get on your knees and crawl to the sofa, he ordered cooly.
This way the order and the line are tied together.
Also, you totally over use the exclamation point (!). You only use that with orders implicit with danger, warning, etc. And it indicates a raised voice or scream Like "STOP!"
I'm not really into the BDSM thing, so I cannot comment on how she is being treated. That would have to come from someone into that Catagory.
But this story will come along. It's a fair start and you should keep going with it.
But get an editor who does BDSM.
JJ
mjl2010
Older and Wiser
- Joined
- Jan 16, 2007
- Posts
- 1,696
Jenny_Jackson said:
Ah Jenny did you miss a quote mark? <gasp>Nora I guess it's a start. A ways to go with the rest of it I suppose. You didn't give us enough really to judge if it's hot or not. I mean, really, they weren't even warmed up, were they.
I'd like to point out that one good slap of a hand won't leave an angry red mark. A nice hand print maybe but not a welt. You mention two angry red marks yet he only swung the whip once.
There's a couple of other minor flaws but you'll find em if you read through it a few times. Finish it, have an editor look at it and send it in. Good luck.
MJL
First let me say that this is a pretty good passage. It has lots of potential. Also let me say I am not the best punctuation/spelling editor so I am sure some of my changes need commas or other punctuation.
What strikes me is that we are not let in to any of these charicters inner thoughts. Does she hate the way she is treated? Is she ashamed that she gets turned on by it?
Any good story has conflict, wether it is internal or external. It would be much more exciting to me if you got more into what she was feeling.
Here is what I would do if I were editing it. I agree with the earlier comments that it is a bit too wordy, I cut a lot of adverbs to give the actions a little more punch.
“Come in Genevieve.” Vincent called from the other side of the closed door.
A mixture of nerves and anticipation furled ( not sure furled is the best word here, curled, fluttered?) in her belly. She hated herself for that anticipation, the desire to surrender to her base emotions. She dreaded the surge of arousal she felt when her father in law used his poer over her.
The door opened with the groan of ungreased hinges. Vincent probably instructed his house staff not to grease the hinges on this door, the sound alluded to a certain dark atmosphere that increased her dread. Vincent sat comfortable in his high back leather chair with his feet propped on his mahogany desk. His shrewd eyes watched her as she stepped beyond the threshold and closed the door behind her.
“Get on your knees and crawl to the sofa,” He ordered coolly. She did as he said. She knew she should feel degraded, but instead her cunt thrummed with lust. “Very good. Now get up and kneel on the sofa with your face to the wall.” She promptly did as she was told.
Finally he moved from his chair, with swift cat-like movements he came up behind her. He smacked her hard on the ass, leaving a red welt in the shape of his hand. She did not dare cry out. He stepped back and stood in silence for several long seconds.
“Do I not treat you well here, Genevieve? Do I not provide a comfortable life for you? Because, I can assure you it is not Ambrose that is dressing you in couture, feeding you caviar, and keeping this magnificent home over your head. Oh no! That, my dear, is most assuredly me.” He paused and Genevieve’s eyes rounded as she heard him grab something off the table at the far end of the sofa. “I have a lesson to teach you , my sweet. I want you to be a good girl and do as I tell you, do you understand?”
Genevieve nodded.
“Tell me you fucking understand you little cunt!” He growled This sounds weak and out of character for him. The impression I get is that he is a very rich, very powerful man. By using language like this he just sounds like a bully who is outclassed trying to insult his way out of a situation. I think he should either just spank her again and/or say something like "I asked you a question..." We all respond to things like that by thinking of authority figures like teachers who have said similar things in the past to us. A much more powerful responce than telling her what to say. You could even say "I asked you a question, cunt..." if you feel she needs to be humiliated more.
“I understand.” Her voice was soft, and her cheeks burned at the course language. I think more insite into her frame of mind here would be good
“First, I want you to call me Daddy from now on. I take care of you like your Daddy did, so you should call me Daddy. Don’t you agree?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“Bend over a little further. Push your ass out for me.” She bent over, arching her back, hoping to please him.
“I am going to inspect your asshole. My son hasn’t popped your ass cherry yet has he?” (again this feels a little contrived. I am not a fan of "popped your ass cherry" I think it might be more interesting to say something like "My son hasn't taught you the pleasures of it yet has he?"
Fear trickled down Genevieve’s back. “No Daddy. I don’t do that.”
Crack! Something lashed out and whipped Genevieve’s ass hard instantly bringing tears to her eyes. “Wrong again, my sweet! You will do that. It will be part of your punishment tonight, and soon you will be begging for a dick in your ass.” His laugh was wicked.
“Remember when it was a sin for you to have your cunt eaten out? Now, you practically jump on my face for a good licking. Remember when it was a sin to have sex with your father in law? Now you get wet with anticipation of having my cock buried deep in your horny pussy.” Proving his point, Vincent roughly shoved a finger into her. She was creamy for him, despite the pain he just inflicted on her.
“Stay still now, and behave yourself.”
Genevieve saw the whip for the first time as Vincent set it on the coffee table. He turned his attention to her ass. He spread her ass cheeks and ran his finger up and down the crack, paying careful attention to her winking pucker. (I would probably say tight anus)She remained silent, but tensed when she thought he was going to penetrate her with his dry finger.
(we switch perspectives quickly here, with no real transition going from her perspctive to his)
She had two angry marks on her white rounded ass. Vincent’s cock throbbed at the combined sight of that and her pretty pink pucker. Reaching back toward the side table, he palmed a bottle of lubricant. Drizzling some between her crack and over her asshole he continued to rub his fingers up and down. This time he noticed a different reaction when he pressed the tip of his finger ever so gently against her asshole. She pushed back, almost willing him to press the finger into her.
Vincent would be loath to let the lady down, so he pressed more firmly and his finger slid in passed her excruciatingly tight sphincter muscle. Pulling it back out, Vincent decided it was time to undress.
What strikes me is that we are not let in to any of these charicters inner thoughts. Does she hate the way she is treated? Is she ashamed that she gets turned on by it?
Any good story has conflict, wether it is internal or external. It would be much more exciting to me if you got more into what she was feeling.
Here is what I would do if I were editing it. I agree with the earlier comments that it is a bit too wordy, I cut a lot of adverbs to give the actions a little more punch.
“Come in Genevieve.” Vincent called from the other side of the closed door.
A mixture of nerves and anticipation furled ( not sure furled is the best word here, curled, fluttered?) in her belly. She hated herself for that anticipation, the desire to surrender to her base emotions. She dreaded the surge of arousal she felt when her father in law used his poer over her.
The door opened with the groan of ungreased hinges. Vincent probably instructed his house staff not to grease the hinges on this door, the sound alluded to a certain dark atmosphere that increased her dread. Vincent sat comfortable in his high back leather chair with his feet propped on his mahogany desk. His shrewd eyes watched her as she stepped beyond the threshold and closed the door behind her.
“Get on your knees and crawl to the sofa,” He ordered coolly. She did as he said. She knew she should feel degraded, but instead her cunt thrummed with lust. “Very good. Now get up and kneel on the sofa with your face to the wall.” She promptly did as she was told.
Finally he moved from his chair, with swift cat-like movements he came up behind her. He smacked her hard on the ass, leaving a red welt in the shape of his hand. She did not dare cry out. He stepped back and stood in silence for several long seconds.
“Do I not treat you well here, Genevieve? Do I not provide a comfortable life for you? Because, I can assure you it is not Ambrose that is dressing you in couture, feeding you caviar, and keeping this magnificent home over your head. Oh no! That, my dear, is most assuredly me.” He paused and Genevieve’s eyes rounded as she heard him grab something off the table at the far end of the sofa. “I have a lesson to teach you , my sweet. I want you to be a good girl and do as I tell you, do you understand?”
Genevieve nodded.
“Tell me you fucking understand you little cunt!” He growled This sounds weak and out of character for him. The impression I get is that he is a very rich, very powerful man. By using language like this he just sounds like a bully who is outclassed trying to insult his way out of a situation. I think he should either just spank her again and/or say something like "I asked you a question..." We all respond to things like that by thinking of authority figures like teachers who have said similar things in the past to us. A much more powerful responce than telling her what to say. You could even say "I asked you a question, cunt..." if you feel she needs to be humiliated more.
“I understand.” Her voice was soft, and her cheeks burned at the course language. I think more insite into her frame of mind here would be good
“First, I want you to call me Daddy from now on. I take care of you like your Daddy did, so you should call me Daddy. Don’t you agree?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“Bend over a little further. Push your ass out for me.” She bent over, arching her back, hoping to please him.
“I am going to inspect your asshole. My son hasn’t popped your ass cherry yet has he?” (again this feels a little contrived. I am not a fan of "popped your ass cherry" I think it might be more interesting to say something like "My son hasn't taught you the pleasures of it yet has he?"
Fear trickled down Genevieve’s back. “No Daddy. I don’t do that.”
Crack! Something lashed out and whipped Genevieve’s ass hard instantly bringing tears to her eyes. “Wrong again, my sweet! You will do that. It will be part of your punishment tonight, and soon you will be begging for a dick in your ass.” His laugh was wicked.
“Remember when it was a sin for you to have your cunt eaten out? Now, you practically jump on my face for a good licking. Remember when it was a sin to have sex with your father in law? Now you get wet with anticipation of having my cock buried deep in your horny pussy.” Proving his point, Vincent roughly shoved a finger into her. She was creamy for him, despite the pain he just inflicted on her.
“Stay still now, and behave yourself.”
Genevieve saw the whip for the first time as Vincent set it on the coffee table. He turned his attention to her ass. He spread her ass cheeks and ran his finger up and down the crack, paying careful attention to her winking pucker. (I would probably say tight anus)She remained silent, but tensed when she thought he was going to penetrate her with his dry finger.
(we switch perspectives quickly here, with no real transition going from her perspctive to his)
She had two angry marks on her white rounded ass. Vincent’s cock throbbed at the combined sight of that and her pretty pink pucker. Reaching back toward the side table, he palmed a bottle of lubricant. Drizzling some between her crack and over her asshole he continued to rub his fingers up and down. This time he noticed a different reaction when he pressed the tip of his finger ever so gently against her asshole. She pushed back, almost willing him to press the finger into her.
Vincent would be loath to let the lady down, so he pressed more firmly and his finger slid in passed her excruciatingly tight sphincter muscle. Pulling it back out, Vincent decided it was time to undress.
I am unsure if you would appreciate an opinion from a newbie, but I will give you my own. I enjoyed the context of your writing, it was hot. Some confusion with the characters, a few errors here and there. Overall you got my motor running, but I am still looking for that highway.
Respectfully,
Ally
Respectfully,
Ally
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