Host Bodies

[bigsly]

Don’t engage with his head.

Female Privilege: only I have the "right" to intentionally and tortuously kill my own flesh and blood, when if the man whose flesh and blood the baby also is did the same, he'd be jailed for cold-blooded murder.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Girls shit?

Sometimes, but they don't fart, except following a colonoscopy.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

And magically, with a click of a button, they no longer exist.

Yeah, but you'll miss out on when his seams finally come loose over going nuclear on abortion as it inevitably does and he gets banned yet again.

 

[Dribble]

Yeah, but you'll miss out on when his seams finally come loose over going nuclear on abortion as it inevitably does and he gets banned yet again.

I have probably 50 accounts on my ignore list. That is what? Three assholes?

 

[CandiCame]

It wasnt a microwave...it was the huge 22# turkey that was going into the oven cause her parents were there for the holiday. The look on everyone's face was priceless as it unfolded. I shouldn't have laughed. Holy fuck did she lose it. Kicked it completely out of the kitchen into the dining area, where she picked it up again and threw it out though the sliding door screen. We watched it roll down the hill. It has gone down in the family history story telling as the Thanksgiving dinner that served ham...not turkey. Hell all I did was say...here I will get that for you.

Can we please turn this thread into, "What is the most fucked up thing a pregnant person has done/ what was the worst part of your pregnancy?" thread? Because that shit is actually interesting. Folks are really just out here throwing microwaves and turkeys around and we just LET them because they're pregnant.

Also, question for everyone who's been pregnant- WHY THE FUCK AREN'T WE ALLOWED TO DO THIS?? HIS CATALYST WAS EXACTLY THE SAME AS MINE? WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET THE HEAVY SHIT!? Y'ALL SIT DOWN, YOU'RE PREGNANT!

Y'all don't need to be lifting microwaves and turkeys and shit. You're gonna mark the baby.

 

[CandiCame]

Here's one that didn't happen to me, it happened to a couple in the childbirth class we went to so gf could learn to breath weird rather than murdering me while she gave birth.

This chick, the pregnant lady, beat another chick's ass with a pizza at our local pizza hut. That's not heavy, it's just a fucked-up thing to do. Her man, the dude who was telling me this story with the same amount of fear I recount when I tell the microwave story, worked at the pizza hut. They only had one car, so she kept it and dropped him off and picked him up from work, where he was a cook/server.

So she calls him and is like, "I'm having a pregnancy craving. I want a pizza with a bunch of shit on it that does not belong on pizza. So when you go on lunch, run over the to the Long Jhon's across the road in the same restaurant block and get a fish dinner. Then cut up the fish and put those fish strips and the fries onto a pizza, and bake that son of a bitch, with some pineapples and other shit, and have that ready for me. I'm coming down like half an hour early to eat it before you get off work."

And he was like, "Well pregnancy is horrifying and unknowable so I will make this monstrosity for you."

So he does. He does this.

And then the chick comes in, and you know how pizza restaurants get fucking packed right before closing when everybody realizes that their ability to get a pizza that day is dwindling. So she comes in and there's a big ass line of people waiting to pick up pizzas.

So her man sees her and he's like, "I got your pizza."

And she goes up to the counter to get it.

So some other lady gets pissed about this, and loses her shit. She's all, "I was here before her! Who the fuck does shit think she is? She don't get her pizza before me! That's my pizza. I ordered mine first!"

Now, when he was telling me this story, I had to stop and reflect on the stupidity of this assertion. Because Pizza Hut does not operate on a 'first come, first serve' basis. You get your pizza in the order of who ordered first, not who got to the restaurant first. Like... that's how pizza works and we are all aware of that. But when I told him that he said something akin to, "Idk man, people are wild." Which is like... yeah, that's true. People are fucking wild.

But anyway, this lady tries to take this pizza. Takes it right out of the dude's hands. The lady who is pregnant is VISIBLY pregnant. Like you could look at her, at the time this story took place, and KNOW she was pregnant. I have no idea what the fuck made this woman think she could get between a pregnant woman and any goddamn thing, having learned my lesson about this very concept two months earlier. But bless her heart she must have been a brave soul.

So she opens the pizza, and sees that it is an abomination unto the lord, and then she gets EXTRA pissed and is like, "This isn't what I ordered!" And starts tearing her ass about that.

Like, yeah, bitch. Cause it ain't yours.

So apparently she closes it and starts bitching about she wants her pizza for free or whatever, and the pregnant chick jerks it out of her hands and just starts beating her ass with a pizza.

Now. This doesn't do a lot of damage, like physical damage, because that is probably the most impractical weapon that one could possibly use. A flimsy pizza in an equally flimsy cardboard box, so it's not a very good ass-whooping. It doesn't actually /do/ anything.

But the boyfriend realizes that he can't allow this to continue at his place of work, so he just screams for somebody to clock him out because he's leaving. So he takes his girlfriend, like pries her away from the assault she is committing, and they go home.

And his gf is sitting there, as he tells this story over the free cookies and juice, and I say to her, "So what happened to the pizza?"

And she says, "I ate it. It was all fucked up and the toppings were everywhere but I ate it."

Then she tells us that she wasn't actually pissed about the pizza. The issue for her was this woman's entitled attitude, and that she had, at some point in her ramblings, called her man 'stupid' or something along those lines, and she wouldn't gonna let nobody talk to her man that way, so she beat her ass with a pizza.

I didn't know how to like, ingest and respond to that information, because she very clearly was wrong to do that, but if I told her that bitch might throw the snack table at me, so I just stood there awkwardly saying nothing.

Then my gf was like, "I wonder if the Lamaze breathing thing would keep you from doing that? Maybe try that next time."

And I thought, "That's a dumbass suggestion." But again, I kept my mouth shut.

But this other chick seemed to think that was a GOOD suggestion.

So like... whatever.

 

[jaF0]

But again, I kept my mouth shut.

 

[Dribble]

Yep CC....this shit happens...and the smart ones learn not to open their mouths.