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Boxlicker101 said:
I'll bet pregnant women have never called themselves this: https://www.miamiherald.com/news/politics-government/state-politics/article226978389.html
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Then you have never met a pregnant woman. The amount of "parasite" and "xenomorph" references they use is super cute for like a month and then goddamn annoying.

I think this is one of those things where they can say it but we can't. Like that's their phrase. Which is the mistake he seems to have made.

Edit: Also, it is kinda weird to think about how many pregnant people you know. Like it's insane. Think back over your life at all the people you've known while they were pregnant. Think about when you or your partner was pregnant and all the pregnant people you met to bond over pregnancy.

I mean I know that's nothing and has nothing to do with the conversation but god damn people really are pregnant just like... all the time. At least one person that I interact with is going to be pregnant at any given moment.

Humanity really has this reproduction thing down.

And like... they will all do that same goddamn parasite/xenomorph/alien/host body joke and like...

I thought the one power dads got that mom's didn't was, "ability to tell lame ass shitty jokes" but they fucking cornered us on that one. I get it. The kid is like a tumor or whatever. It costs a tooth to grow a baby. It's siphoning your resources. It's been several months.

But also it's one of those things that you use to cope with the pain because like... that shit is true. It is siphoning your resources and it is eating your bones and whatnot. So it's aggravating but I'll be goddamned if I don't pretend like it's not and never say a fucking thing.
 
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CandiCame said:
Then you have never met a pregnant woman. The amount of "parasite" and "xenomorph" references they use is super cute for like a month and then goddamn annoying.

I think this is one of those things where they can say it but we can't. Like that's their phrase. Which is the mistake he seems to have made.
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I have met a lot of pregnant women and have never heard one refer to herself in such a dehumanized way.
 
Boxlicker101 said:
I have met a lot of pregnant women and have never heard one refer to herself in such a dehumanized way.
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To be fair, a lot of the stuff you say makes me think you've never interacted with a human woman, so it doesn't shock me that they act weird around you and aren't friendly and at ease enough to say shit like that.
 
CandiCame said:
To be fair, a lot of the stuff you say makes me think you've never interacted with a human woman, so it doesn't shock me that they act weird around you and aren't friendly and at ease enough to say shit like that.
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*snarky*
 
Yeah, when pregnant women have an audience they trust not to judge, they really do say some of those things. It may be a joyous and magical experience, but it can also be exhausting, painful, uncomfortable, stressful and upsetting.

Get someone to scrape your ribs, like they're grating cheese, until your insides feel bruised, and you've not slept comfortably for weeks, and see how much fluffy, floral, sunshine and butterflies language comes out.

Just a couple of weeks ago, a new mother I'm friends with told me that she hates breastfeeding because it makes her feel like a cow. I felt exactly the same.

Women aren't supposed to hate being pregnant but, though I love my kids, I found it an utterly miserable experience. They literally are parasitic, welcome or not, sucking the energy and nutrition and even the oxygen out of you until they emerge.

I think every pregnant woman I ever knew said that she just wanted the little (expletive) out by the time she was close to birth.

You can't even shit properly FFS!
 
dolf said:
Yeah, when pregnant women have an audience they trust not to judge, they really do say some of those things. It may be a joyous and magical experience, but it can also be exhausting, painful, uncomfortable, stressful and upsetting.

Get someone to scrape your ribs, like they're grating cheese, until your insides feel bruised, and you've not slept comfortably for weeks, and see how much fluffy, floral, sunshine and butterflies language comes out.

Just a couple of weeks ago, a new mother I'm friends with told me that she hates breastfeeding because it makes her feel like a cow. I felt exactly the same.

Women aren't supposed to hate being pregnant but, though I love my kids, I found it an utterly miserable experience. They literally are parasitic, welcome or not, sucking the energy and nutrition and even the oxygen out of you until they emerge.

I think every pregnant woman I ever knew said that she just wanted the little (expletive) out by the time she was close to birth.

You can't even shit properly FFS!
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That pregnancy foot thing that you put around the toilet is a goddamn miracle and everyone should use it, pregnant or not. I tried that thing and I have been shitting incorrectly my whole life. I've obviously never been pregnant and I have no idea what it does, but it will improve your shitting experience whether you've got a human parasite eating your bones and kicking your innerds or not.

Sorry, that "you can't shit right" thing reminded me of how I fell the fuck in love with that.

If you're pregnant I think it just makes you shit normally, but if you're not? If you're just a normal, not pregnant person? You can shit out your entire intestines and not really feel it. It feels like you haven't shit at all, then you get up and you've lost 5lbs.

We use that to this day and our kid is almost five.

Also, to be fair to me, I think the culture is a little different around here, because I've always heard that women ARE supposed to hate being pregnant, that the entire thing is horrorshow that I cannot comprehend, and therefore it is my job to make life as pleasant as possible. Like if I'm told to get up at 3 in the morning and drive 45 minutes for ice cream I better do it because she's in a kind of hell that is beyond description and if I say one goddamn thing out of line or look at her crossways she's just allowed to murder me and then be like, "Hormones, am I right?"

If you see a pregnant person doing ANYTHING your first response is supposed to be, "You sit down, you're pregnant. I'll do that."

Because they're in absolute hell at all times and losing teeth because the baby eats them?? Somehow??

Like I was never once told that there was anything good about being pregnant, it was presented as this unknowable lovecraftian horror that I should just quiver in fear of and wait to be over. And the girls apparently had it even worse because that's one of the things they use to scare you in our abstinence only sex ed classes. Pregnancy is really presented as one of the worst possible things that can happen to you.

But then you get a baby. And it's worth it.

I do really, really wish that strangers wouldn't come up to you and tell you how horrible it was though. Because they do that. A lot. Like people would come up to us and talk to my girlfriend like, "Oh, did you piss yourself yet? Does your back hurt all the time? Have you been overcome with an uncontrollable rage? Bet you never sleep, do you?"

And I'm just over there like, "Well she does have those mood swings that you spoke of-"
And she's all, "I FUCKING HATE MOOD SWINGS! AND THIS STORE! AND THESE RANDOM OLD WOMEN! AND YOUR SHIRT TAKE THAT FUCKING SHIRT OFF!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBRZvcUBGV8

She's usually a really nice person too. That's a real thing, the uncontrollable rage. And she'd come to me afterwards like, "I'm sorry I tried to throw that microwave at you," or whatever and I never got mad about it because I was prepped. I knew going in it was gonna be like that. All the doctors and stuff said it was worse for the first pregnancy so like... I knew.

I have a buddy who's ex, when she was pregnant, beat the SHIT out of him, then locked herself in the bathroom to cry about what a horrible person for gut-punching him until he couldn't stand. And it really, genuinely, was a hormone thing. And he knew that. So he crawled to the bathroom like, "I'm not mad. I swear I'm not mad. I'm not even that hurt I just have to catch my breath. Please stop crying."

I like talking pregnancy stuff, but I can't imagine going into it not knowing it would be a nightmare. Because even presented with that truth for my whole life it was still pretty bad. And I wasn't the one who was pregnant. So I can't imagine not knowing how bad it was gonna hurt, or the mood swings- and I hate to keep harping on the mood swings, but that was the only one I could really, tangibly see, you know? You can't feel someone else's pain but you can see their uh... madness? Is madness the right word? Batshit insanity?

But yeah, I was under the impression that women were supposed to hate being pregnant, and make that hate known, loudly and repetitively, and that you were supposed to respect that hate and match it with a healthy dose of fear because it was well-earned. It was the kind of hate born of a pain that not only had you never endured, but that you could not even comprehend with your pathetic male brain.
 
Nothing makes shitting easy when someone's head is rammed into your pelvis.
 
Insomnia is hitting me hard so here's a Candi oversharing story that no one asked for.

My gf really did throw a microwave at me. That happened. During one of her first pregnancy mood swings. A whole microwave. I don't know if anyone has ever thrown a microwave at you as hard as they can, but it hurts like having a microwave hurled at you. It knocks you down and you have a bruise on your tummy. And then you put that microwave back and buy the one no one threw at you, because that one might have broken when it fucking hit you in the gut.

So what had happened was, when she moved in with me I didn't yet have a microwave because I had only recently built my house. And we needed a microwave because we live in the present time. So we went to buy a microwave. We stood there, selected the microwave we wanted, and then she went to get it and put it in the cart.

And I said to her, "I'll get that, you're pregnant."

And that set her right the fuck off. Because apparently I had been doing that an annoying amount of times. I had surpassed the amount of times I was allowed to do that, but I did not know there was a limit. I thought I was supposed to do that for the duration of the pregnancy.

So she was all, "I'm not sick, I'm pregnant. I'm not a fucking invalid. I'm not a goddamn vegetable. I'm not crippled, I'm pregnant. And you're not some goddamn white knight here to save me from some horrible affliction. You think this is helping? You think I want to hear that all the goddamn time?"

I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was something to that effect, that I was annoying and she would do whatever the fuck she wanted because she was a human person, and if I told her not to do something again she was gonna fly mad and kill me.

And me, being a dumbass and also kinda pissed because she was so mad for- let's be real, no reason, I said something like, "But you're pregnant though. And also it doesn't fucking matter. I'm literally gonna take it off the shelf and put it into the cart. It's less than a foot of microwave transportation. It's not a big deal."

Which... if someone is really pissed about something, it is a big deal, whether you think it is or not, so that was an asshole thing to say. But I said it, so I'm just standing in my truth here.

So we got into this loud, stupid fight, and she went over and took the microwave down, and I tried to take it from her, and some fucking rando guy, who couldn't mind his business, came up to us, and to this day I fucking hate this guy because mind your business this is none of your goddamn business, you are not involved in this microwave fight in any way, like he was a literal stranger- but he came up to me and said something to me like:

"Are you bothering this young lady?"

So I let go to deal with this, again, completely random stranger, who had no business coming up to me to involve himself in my bullshit whatsoever, like to this day I fucking hate this guy, and when I do she uses my distraction to take the microwave.

So then I turn back and I'm like... IN it now, so I'm like, "You better give me that fucking microwave," like legitimately pissed off, for a variety of reasons.

And she's like, "You want it so bad? Here!"

And then she just fucking hurls it at me. Knocks my ass down.

And starts crying.

And then rando guy goes over to her, all, "Are you ok? Do I need to call the cops?" And shit, again like he has any business there, and I was not metaphorically knocked on my ass, I was, "Someone beat my ass with a whole microwave oven" knocked on my ass.

So I was gonna light into him, but I didn't have the chance, because SHE lit into him, said everything I wanted to say about how this wasn't his business and she just wants to buy a goddamn microwave and she's sorry she hurt me and all this shit. And dude doesn't know what to do because he shouldn't even be there, and I'm telling her that it's ok I'm not hurt, and trying to act like I'm not hurt, but it knocked the wind outta me it hurt like a motherfucker and it's a super lie.

But I get up and I put that one back and I get one that isn't broken and put it in the cart and then she like fuckin... ran away?? She was like, "I'm going to the car!" And she ran away.

So I'm standing there like, "Ok but do I like... buy the microwave?"

But she was gone because she ran away. And like... we were gonna buy other shit. The microwave was not the only thing we were gonna get. But I didn't know what to do, so I left and tried to follow her, and also I wanted to get away from the rando guy, and I couldn't find her, and she wouldn't answer her texts, so I bought the microwave and went out to the car where she was sitting, crying, about this dumbass fight.

Then we went home and she eventually got over it, but after that I... I learned. That put me right in my goddamn place. After that I was all, "Hey do you WANT me to do X" rather than, "You CAN'T do X, let me do it."

Because once somebody beats your ass with a microwave oven you just... you just learn from that.

Sometimes I think about that guy, and I get pissed off. But also like from his perspective I bet that was fucked up. Because she is so, so tiny. She's a lot smaller than an average human woman. She's like 5'2" and really skinny. So he probably did think I was gonna hurt her. But also like... if somebody knocks somebody else down, why do you run to the assailant and ask if they're ok? Like yeah, dude, she's ok. She has defeated me and any threat I could have posed. She's fucking good. I'm not doing great. But she's good.

And that's the story of how pregnant people will throw microwaves at you and you need to live in fear of them.
 
The nastiest, meanest part of me wants to put "flatten the Ape with a microwave" on my bucket list now. Which obviously I can't. And now feel guilty and I'm going to have to be nice to him for no reason.
 
dolf said:
The nastiest, meanest part of me wants to put "flatten the Ape with a microwave" on my bucket list now. Which obviously I can't. And now feel guilty and I'm going to have to be nice to him for no reason.
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I mean, really, the take-away from that anecdote is that you can if you're pregnant. But like... that's a risk vs reward thing.
 
It wasnt a microwave...it was the huge 22# turkey that was going into the oven cause her parents were there for the holiday. The look on everyone's face was priceless as it unfolded. I shouldn't have laughed. Holy fuck did she lose it. Kicked it completely out of the kitchen into the dining area, where she picked it up again and threw it out though the sliding door screen. We watched it roll down the hill. It has gone down in the family history story telling as the Thanksgiving dinner that served ham...not turkey. Hell all I did was say...here I will get that for you.
 
Ha! I am going to have to ask the fella for his best pregnant story. I bet I won’t even recall it happening.

I haven’t owned a microwave in eons.
 
dolf said:
Nothing makes shitting easy when someone's head is rammed into your pelvis.
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You mean a not someone, just a clump of cells, don't you? Cause intentionally killing someone is a capital crime, isn't it?
 
bigsly said:
You mean a not someone, just a clump of cells, don't you? Cause intentionally killing someone is a capital crime, isn't it?
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Do you actually know when the head usually engages?
 
dolf said:
Do you actually know when the head usually engages?
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:D Just stop with the disingenuous "when" nonsense. Now that you socialists openly claim the "right" to kill that "someone" even after it's born alive, that "when" bullshit you've always pimped is now totally exposed for exactly what it's always been: bullshit.
 
And magically, with a click of a button, they no longer exist.
 
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