Hopefully not too stupid a question

[SubbieHubbie]

On the theory that the only stupid question is the one you fail to ask, will someone explain to me the meaning of "Soft Limit", and why this does not equate to "preference".

As I understand it a hard limit is something you refuse to do/will not accept having done to you - at least at the moment, although none of us can 100% know how we will change in the future with the right stimuli (too many psych experiments have shown people are often capable of things they don't believe themselves to be). This I understand - or think I do, could have my reasoning wrong.

Soft limits, though, seem to be things that you don't particularly want to be a part of. They may push you beyond where you are comfortable in being physically or emotionally, or be a turnoff. Yet I have read many people on the board commenting that this type of 'limit' is pushable and part of the excitement in a bdsm encounter is the pushing of soft limits. How then, is this a 'limit' instead of a preference.

OK, for example - I have never been the recipient of anal play. The one time it was tried, I found myself too nervous to do it, too nervous to relax etc. We stopped for the pain before anything happened. This was a non-ds interaction. Now, if in a ds interaction, I would not want this to be done to me, but would accept it from a dom, no matter if I did find it painful, frightening and uninviting. The fact that I would accept it, even if not wanted, makes me think of this as merely a preference - prefer not to receive anal play. I can't meaningfully see it as a limit (it's not like I'd try to stop it or call the cops for assault). Is this strong preference and fear of it a soft limit, and if so, given I acknowledge I would accept it, however unwillingly, how can it be a limit (I don't limit myself against it). If it is not a soft limit, then what separates this strong preference and fear from a soft limit?

 

[cymbidia]

There are no stupid questions when the questions are asked with an earnest need for the answer and after one has made some rudimentary effort to determine the answers on thier own.

Yes, i believe that.

On the theory that the only stupid question is the one you fail to ask, will someone explain to me the meaning of "Soft Limit", and why this does not equate to "preference".

I think of of everything within the realm of what two people (or more, if such is desired) can do together as something they prefer to do together or prefer not to do together.

Everything.
Including all things sexual.

Within the BDSM sphere, though, some words/acronyms we use as a matter of course mean different things, perhaps, to different people. In my mind, hard limits are those things i will not do ever no matter what even if the hounds of hell were on my ass. Those things, for me, include the Big Three (no scat, bestiality, kids) as well as one or three lesser known fetishes and/or sexul practices.

There are a whole bunch of other things, though, that i prefer not to do if i am given a choice. These things are not deal breakers, so to speak. These things are "soft limits".

To me, the word "preferances" refers to the whole range of things i can do with my partner, everything from showering together after we paint the house to making slow sweet love on the living room couch after a candlelit meal to fucking each other with strap-on's while the kids are visiting with grandma in another state.

To me, the word "soft limits" and/or "hard limits" refer specifically to the dynamics of BDSM sexual play between consenting partners in such play.




This has been commentary from cym the community member and not
cymbidia
BDSM Forum Moderator
for those who are suddenly confused in this matter.

 

[James Blandings]

I don't care for the use of the word "limits" at all, I think it is needlessly confusing. A limit can mean not just something you wont do, but also how far you can go, but want to push beyond.
The way cym describes the use of the word is the way most people do, that soft limits are things you will do reluctantly to please your partner. You are right that many people do change their "hard limits" over time, another reason I don't care for the term.

 

[cymbidia]

Hello, James. It's incredibly wonderful to have you back - and at a most opportune time, too.

Got any stories for us?

And mind the corners, too. We seem to have had an infestation of trolls of late.

 

[James Blandings]

Hello, James. It's incredibly wonderful to have you back - and at a most opportune time, too.

Got any stories for us?

And mind the corners, too. We seem to have had an infestation of trolls of late.

I have one HELL of a story to tell, and I will try to get it posted this evening, after I catch up a little bit.
I am glad to be back for a little while. It looks like there are a lot of new faces here.

 

[SubbieHubbie]

OK, so if I'm understanding correctly, my 'strong preference against and fear of' receiving anal play would count as a soft limit. Thanks for clearing that up. Kind of confirms what I thought that soft limits became meaningless for me (in my personal experience) when I first had a preference (not to be unfairly smacked) pushed and decided to accept. That was so liberating as it said, once and for all, when we do this I am in her hands unless she challenges me with a hard limit (eg rape, murder, child assault).

Thanks again.

 

[SpectreT]

And mind the corners, too. We seem to have had an infestation of trolls of late.

I've got a stir-fry going already. Sombody get out there with a hammer and bop a few and we'll be having those troll felafels I promised in another thread.....

Okay, jesting aside, and nomenclature discussions aside, "Soft Limits" are the "will do, but definitely not on my fun list." "Hard Limits" are the "Not gonna happen, no way, uh-uh, go right ahead and cut important bits off of me, that's not an option.".

I'd love to give you examples, but the only things I know are my "Hard List", and I doubt those'll move much, if at all. The rest, I've never been pushed in a direction to find out if I have a "limit", y'know?