tollboothjack
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2006
- Posts
- 20
Editttt
Last edited:
hope you like.. feedback appreciated!
- Thread starter tollboothjack
- Start date
tollboothjack
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2006
- Posts
- 20
thanks for your critcism... 
janiexx
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2005
- Posts
- 390
Hi,
I read your story last night and was going to reply, but I think the best thing you can do, if you're serious about writing for Literotica, is to enlist the help of a good editor.
Without wishing to be brutal, your story needs a lot of work - not just in terms of spelling and grammar, but with the whole storyline.
Where are you going with this story? And why? The way I see it is this:
Jay treats Steph badly for one last time and she decides to humiliate him by having sex with his best-friend. Is the introduction of her sister and the strap-on the final gesture of contempt for him, despite his desire to try again with her?
I would have liked to see a bit more background to your characters and a longer introduction to the sex scene (which was also over very quickly). At times your writing style read like a "laundry-list" and it was - "Jay did this, Steph did that" over and over.
Check this section of the website out for help with writing erotica...which is a lot harder than some may think...
http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml
Good luck,
janiexx
I read your story last night and was going to reply, but I think the best thing you can do, if you're serious about writing for Literotica, is to enlist the help of a good editor.
Without wishing to be brutal, your story needs a lot of work - not just in terms of spelling and grammar, but with the whole storyline.
Where are you going with this story? And why? The way I see it is this:
Jay treats Steph badly for one last time and she decides to humiliate him by having sex with his best-friend. Is the introduction of her sister and the strap-on the final gesture of contempt for him, despite his desire to try again with her?
I would have liked to see a bit more background to your characters and a longer introduction to the sex scene (which was also over very quickly). At times your writing style read like a "laundry-list" and it was - "Jay did this, Steph did that" over and over.
Check this section of the website out for help with writing erotica...which is a lot harder
than some may think...http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml
Good luck,
janiexx
naamplao
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 27, 2006
- Posts
- 316
I will have to agree with the others.
You use a lot of cliches such as "up and comer", "mover and shaker" and your grammar and use of words needs a lot of work.
I found that your description of your main character as "Signs of aging were present, but she was still a very sexy woman", very poor. I would have expected such a description for a woman in her late 50's or 60's, not a woman in her middle 30's who is approaching her sexual peak!!! Sophia Loren has such a description and she is in her 70's!
The description of the "action" was hardly satisfying to the reader.
You use a lot of cliches such as "up and comer", "mover and shaker" and your grammar and use of words needs a lot of work.
I found that your description of your main character as "Signs of aging were present, but she was still a very sexy woman", very poor. I would have expected such a description for a woman in her late 50's or 60's, not a woman in her middle 30's who is approaching her sexual peak!!! Sophia Loren has such a description and she is in her 70's!
The description of the "action" was hardly satisfying to the reader.
