Honest Opinions?

[LadynStFreknBed]

I am getting ruthlessly attacked by trolls... or at least both of my new stories are. I'm tempted to just pull all my stories and poems.
I'd seriously appreciate any feedback. Are these really the worst stories that I've ever written? I really love "Of Delusions and Desire."

Of Delusions and Desire

Forbidden Love Ch. 01

Really, only if you have time to spare.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Ok, I read Dilusions of Desire. As far as your story goes, there are a few problems. First, it's a RAPE story. Those never really go over well on Lit. The illusion is that every woman WANTS to be raped and even helps the rapist during the act. Not very realistic, but that's the perception of Literature on a porn site. The other thing is a problem with reality. You protagonist is a convicted rapist, but they put a vulnerable young woman on his block to guard him. Then she allows herself into a position where she can be assulted by the protagonist. I can't really think of a lot of women guards in a men's prison, to begin with, let alone, anywhere near a rapist.

The writing is ok. It has a lot of discription where you are telling the story. I would have liked to have seen a lot more dialogue. What's happened is that the reader really doesn't connect with the protagonist. If you had added another scene with him in conversation with other prisoners, the reader would have gotten to know him and made some kind of connection. It doesn't matter that the connection is hate, disgust, pity or what, as long as the connection is there.

Finally, there is a contest going on right now. The trolls are going insane throwing "1" bombs. I got 11 of them last night. In my estimation, considering the readers on this site, your story should be sitting around a 4.0. Eventually, Laural will sweep the double votes, and 1's. Then your story will show an honest vote score.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

Ok, I read Dilusions of Desire. As far as your story goes, there are a few problems. First, it's a RAPE story. Those never really go over well on Lit. The illusion is that every woman WANTS to be raped and even helps the rapist during the act. Not very realistic, but that's the perception of Literature on a porn site. The other thing is a problem with reality. You protagonist is a convicted rapist, but they put a vulnerable young woman on his block to guard him. Then she allows herself into a position where she can be assulted by the protagonist. I can't really think of a lot of women guards in a men's prison, to begin with, let alone, anywhere near a rapist.

The writing is ok. It has a lot of discription where you are telling the story. I would have liked to have seen a lot more dialogue. What's happened is that the reader really doesn't connect with the protagonist. If you had added another scene with him in conversation with other prisoners, the reader would have gotten to know him and made some kind of connection. It doesn't matter that the connection is hate, disgust, pity or what, as long as the connection is there.

Finally, there is a contest going on right now. The trolls are going insane throwing "1" bombs. I got 11 of them last night. In my estimation, considering the readers on this site, your story should be sitting around a 4.0. Eventually, Laural will sweep the double votes, and 1's. Then your story will show an honest vote score.

I read the same one, and I agree with a lot of what Jenny said. I's like to elaborate on something, however. The judgment of the character, the references to what he "knew" about his former victims, mixed with the fact that in this story, with the guard, he is right, will only emphasize the negative light in which the story is viewed. It implies, although I don't feel it does so directly, that his former victims were similar cases, which paints women in a poor light, if for no other reason that they become antagonists who have used him for what they could gain then shipped him off to prison when they were done. This is reinforced with the statements made concerning the "...those tears they shed in the courtroom for the sake of the judge and jury..." Yes, rationalization is given to their motives, but the rationalization, realistic as it is in some cases, still speaks poorly of those victims.

It might have been a good idea to have another conviction for the main character (grand theft, possibly manslaughter) to detatch from this idea, to isolate the situation, make it seem less universal to women outside of that scenario. Explaining the infatuation might have taken more time, and given the reader more of a chance to get to know the main character, to create a bond between reader and protagonist.

That's just a simplified version of my take on it.

Q_C

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

"Forbidden Love" is the better of the two stories, but still left something undone. I read the comments. All of them are from Annon. If they really had anything to say, they would leave their Nics. So I wouldn't sweat them.

You story opens in India. Maybe that's what is missing. The story is too short to give a flavor of what your heroine does when she makes love with Remesh. She's placed not only her good name, but that of her family, in jeopardy. In some parts of India, she could suffer and "Honor Killing". As it is, Sharada seems kind of flat. We don't really know her. Se see her running through the market. We see one short scene speaking with her mother, but we don't really know her as a person. She just seems rather foggy.

India is a place of bitter smells, filth, beggers and crushing crowds. Those things would have helped your story and added a bit of the flavor of the place. I got the feeling from my reading that your India is someplace in the Bronx, not Asia.

Another thing, she is dress wrong. She should be wearing a sari not skirt and shirt. Her peers would tend to see her as a bit of a tramp.

The idea of a panty palace in an Indian Bazar I thought was rather odd, but that is really a neutral feeling. You can find anything in those places.

When I got to this sentence: "Losing her virginity to Ramesh would bring her one step closer to being with Akhil." I went, "HUH?" In the previous paragraphs she is worried that her feince' would find out. Now she's sort of doing it for him? This is just confusing.

Over all, you have a good grasp of words and language. You idea is good, but not carried off as well as it could have been. The comment about "3rd grade writing" was inappropriate. The writing was quite good.

Don't be dismayed. Lit is a learning place. The improvement between this story and the prisoner is quite striking. Keep going, you'll get there.

 

[Boota]

I can't really think of a lot of women guards in a men's prison, to begin with, let alone, anywhere near a rapist.

Actually, this is very common. The prison where my dad works has a very high percentage of female guards and half the population is sex offenders. It is a men's prison.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

Actually, this is very common. The prison where my dad works has a very high percentage of female guards and half the population is sex offenders. It is a men's prison.

Not to distract, but wouldn't it be discrimination to post the female guards elsewhere?

Q_C

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Actually, this is very common. The prison where my dad works has a very high percentage of female guards and half the population is sex offenders. It is a men's prison.

Thanks Boota. I'm going by the Oregon Correctional System. Here the only women guards are in the women's section of the Country Jails and Women's Correction Facility. They are kept very much separated from the men. Sex offenders where children were involved as victims are also kept separated from the general population.

Not to distract, but wouldn't it be discrimination to post the female guards elsewhere?

Appearantly not here. Prison guard is a dangerous profession. Even more so when the prisoner outweighs the guard by 200 lbs.

 

[3113]

Actually, this is very common. The prison where my dad works has a very high percentage of female guards and half the population is sex offenders. It is a men's prison.

But we do have to remember that truth is not only stranger than fiction, but that contrivances in fiction signal things that they wouldn't if it happened in reality.

My sense, from what was very nicely pointed out by Quiet_Cool, is that the contrivance of a female guard for this guy not only stretched credibility a bit (however possible the situation in real life), but, even worse, it enhanced that feeling of women as willing victims. Whether the readers read this into the story or felt it there underlying the story (intentional or not), it left them angry rather than moved/aroused.

Putting it another way, readers know all plots are contrivances, especially those in short stories, and there are certain ones they actually want, like the romantic comedy contrivance of heroine/hero getting together no matter what the obstacles. But if the contrivance is obvious and NOT going in a direction they like...they can get pissed off at being forced to go that way (pun intended).

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

JENNY JACKSON

Boota is correct. Here in Florida they let women do a lot of the guarding. Ditto in Arizona. I used to know a female prison guard. She was kinda tough, like you. She made it clear to the assholes that if they fucked with her their lives would be filled with excitement. So they left her alone.

From what I've personally seen, a lot of the female guards groove on the bad boys. This county fired a corrections sergeant for taking assholes home and bringing contraband to the jail.

 

[damppanties]

I read Forbidden Love after reading Jenny's comments on here, thinking I'd understand it better. I'm Indian. I differ with Jenny about the inaccuracies she sees in the story. I found it accurate about all points except for the dress. Sharada really wouldn't be in jeans and a top if she's from 'a small Indian city'.

The second thing is, I found the idea of going behind the stall and working up her shirt to show Akhil the bustier was too much, but, well, I'm not really here to read absolutely believable stories and I'll give you that in the interests of taking the story forward. I feel it was too much too soon though.

Third, the relationship between Akhil and Sharada developed too quickly. I just didn't see much sexual tension or any kind of 'connection' that you hinted of between them. The next point ties in to this - there just wasn't any sexy sex. This is a sex stories site and people would expect to see more hot stuff in a story. Sure, you might be building it up more in subsequent chapters, but there was scope for something good here that you didn't exploit. People might not be feeling charitable about that while voting and commenting.

I really like the way you approached the marriage issue and the fact that she's torn between the right thing to do and what she wants to do for herself. But here again, you lose a great opportunity for conflict. Akhil suggests at being lovers too quickly without any effort at convincing her otherwise.

About the comments - being in the Loving Wives category, you'll have some people telling you your story sucks, whatever you write. It comes with the category. Your story was good, could have been better. Looking forward to reading the next instalment.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

I am getting ruthlessly attacked by trolls... or at least both of my new stories are. I'm tempted to just pull all my stories and poems.
I'd seriously appreciate any feedback. Are these really the worst stories that I've ever written? I really love "Of Delusions and Desire."

Of Delusions and Desire

Forbidden Love Ch. 01

Really, only if you have time to spare.

If you like your own porn and just like the satisfaction of seeing it on this site (or any site for that matter), then I wouldn't really worry or care about what the 1 bombers think.

I mean, really, unless you're going for a long term career in writing, don't spend so much energy worrying.

 

[gauchecritic]

If you like your own porn and just like the satisfaction of seeing it on this site (or any site for that matter), then I wouldn't really worry or care about what the 1 bombers think.

I mean, really, unless you're going for a long term career in writing, don't spend so much energy worrying.

Although, if you allow voting on your story then one bombs are a large and legitimate concern. I used to be extremely concerned if a story of mine didn't average above 4.

These days I understand that most voting is to do with taste and very little to do with actual literacy.

 

[Guest]

I am getting ruthlessly attacked by trolls... or at least both of my new stories are. I'm tempted to just pull all my stories and poems.
I'd seriously appreciate any feedback. Are these really the worst stories that I've ever written? I really love "Of Delusions and Desire."

Of Delusions and Desire

Forbidden Love Ch. 01

Really, only if you have time to spare.

I haven't read your stories yet, but I can tell you right off that you're getting bombed because of two reasons, the categories (NonConsent/reluctance and Loving Wives) AND it is contest time. Don't get discouraged and pull your work. Hang in there.

 

[cantdog]

neonurotic is perfectly correct, but I did read your Of Delusions. I also read Lolita. Humbert imagines that Lolita wants him, and your rapist imagines his victims want him. Both stories are told from the deluded man's point of view. That part is not what concerns me.

Actually, the idea that the slut was begging for it is a common thread among rapists, especially child rapists. This is solid ground. You even tip us off to realize that it's a delusion, right in the title. I especially love the moment when he pulls the knife and returns to the exaltation he knew as a serial rapist outside. That was an excellent fillip to the character, and the most revealing description in the piece.

But Jenny J has the nub. You have only description. Dialogue and action reveal people better than just telling us about them, and create, moreover, a better chance for a reader to connect.

Did you intend the sex to be slightly unsexy? Just wondering. I have myself written exploitative sex deliberately to show that, for one of them, it was not sexy. I didn't write such a scene to stand alone; it was a part of a larger story.

People may be objecting about things you went out of your way to achieve, in other words. To me the piece seems carefully written, and the choice of subject anything but frivolous.

It has little clumsy bits-- "off of her," for instance. (Doubling up prepositions works in colloquial dialogue, but it should be a red flag to you to rewrite the passage, in narration.) There are others.

Still, considering how brief the story is, the rapist character is well drawn. I would have liked it even better if we had a better glimpse inside the guard's emotional makeup, to go with it. Her reaction saves the piece from being entirely about a rape, but it's hard to say why she has the feeling she does. I bet you know, and I bet you can tell us; I wish you had. If you follow me.

 

[Frank Noir]

I haven't read your stories yet, but I can tell you right off that you're getting bombed because of two reasons, the categories (NonConsent/reluctance and Loving Wives) AND it is contest time. Don't get discouraged and pull your work. Hang in there.

Funny - half of my stories are NonConsent/Reluctance, but I've only ever got one negative comment on those (someone complaining that The Subway wasn't non-consensual enough).
Loving Wives, on the other hand, is madness!

 

[cantdog]

Non-Consent / Reluctance doesn't sit easy. We are not to write, according to the submission guidelines, stories glorifying rape. And yet, many people have rape fantasies, that is, fantasize about being raped. People act these out in their own home sex lives. Perfectly normal part of the genre.

This tension means that a line has to be drawn. The editorial people reviewing stories submitted have to draw it. Generally, readers tell me, a story of straight-on violent assault doesn't appear, even in this cat, though there are examples that it's difficult to see any redeeming feature in. Some seem to get posted anyhow, in other words.

Beyond that hurdle, the readers in the cat will certainly have their own say in the matter. And among them, there are all kinds.

 

[cantdog]

Forbidden Love is more like it. Draws one in slyly.

 

[cantdog]

I have to agree with damppanties' take on it, though. Listen to what she says about development. There's a lot of rich tension in the situation, and a delicious forbidden-fruit seduction and some steamier sex description would have made it better. Not more extreme sex, but more sensuality in the depiction, if you follow me.

The dipshit anonymous comments are about par for Loving Wives. Treat them with the sneer they deserve.

When I got to this sentence: "Losing her virginity to Ramesh would bring her one step closer to being with Akhil." I went, "HUH?" In the previous paragraphs she is worried that her fiance' would find out. Now she's sort of doing it for him? This is just confusing.

Up 'til the wedding night, Akhil was constrained to preserve the hymen, Jenny. To have ramesh break it would free the two of them to include penetrative sex in their sessions. Not confusing.

But again, more and sexier sex scenes would have made this crystal clear.

 

[john-the-author]

Actually, this is very common. The prison where my dad works has a very high percentage of female guards and half the population is sex offenders. It is a men's prison.

An old friend of mine is a tall, attractive ~MUSCULAR~ woman who's a guard in a men's prison in Arizona. Some years ago, there was a picture of her in the paper in her SCA garb--armor!--hitting people with sticks and her nickname in the population became "All tough, no fluff."

 

[cantdog]

An old friend of mine is a tall, attractive ~MUSCULAR~ woman who's a guard in a men's prison in Arizona. Some years ago, there was a picture of her in the paper in her SCA garb--armor!--hitting people with sticks and her nickname in the population became "All tough, no fluff."

Well, yeah, but in a case like that, we have the guard deciding to rape the inmate... a totally different story. One could use the same inmate character, though.

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

Thank You!

Thank you for all the feedback! I really appreciate it.

btw, I work with sex offenders. We just had a female staff get attacked (not sexually) by one of them. Just last week, one of them said something vulgar to me and sat on my lap. (He's 16, and I'm not Santa.)

-Sheila

 

[GratefulFred]

Don't worry about votes. Just write because you feel it in your heart the need to transfer some thoughts. If I get a few fans digging my style and a thousand trolls doing what trolls do, it was still worth the effort.