Holiday Break-up

[lightsaver]

A dear friend called me on Christmas Eve to tell me her husband left her and their two children...

I, have never experienced a breakup during the holiday season. Methinks, to have two children with my partner, a life together that spanned 18 years and then...
it ends......
....




In that phonecall, it did occur to me, that I had no clue. At the same time, I felt it must be harder at a time of year, known for sentiment, family traditions, memories, romance, food, cheer, caring, sharing, lights, smiles..some of it is commercial excess and we all know it when we see it. The good, genuine, heartwarming moments are there also. She and their children love Christmas and Halloween, lol. So much so, being around them at these times of the year, is infectious and you are into it too.

This Christmas was spent with each close relative and friend, joining forces, so to speak, so that my dear friend and her darling children could have a ball. Even though it would be without her husband and their father.
We did very well Now its onto pooling our resources to help make their New Year's Eve fun and memorable, for good reasons and not only for sad reasons.


I am hoping that if anyone cares to share, your insight will be sincerely appreciated for it will help me glue together the reasons and musings as to why it is so common for families to implode and explode as well as embrace and treasure each other especially at this time of year.

A life lesson on a slow bake.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

Well, dunno if it counts..but my ex told me that he was filing for divorce at the end of this month. Told me a few days before Christmas too.

*Shrugs*

Men can be idiots (no offense to the nice ones I know)...and worst timing imaginable.

 

[silver_eyes]

My fiance' from college broke up with me, over the phone no less, during Christmas break 28 yrs ago. Stopped a rape 2 days later, he was armed, I was not. Got shot for my trouble. Cops tried to arrest me when I objected to them calling the victim " a cheap 2 dollar hooker" (all the while bleeding from my left shoulder, albeit slowly, only a graze). My first wife, of 11 years, sent me a letter letting me know she wanted a divorce about 3 weeks before Christmas. A f___ing letter?
Both times hurt like hell!
Couldn't stand Christmas season for years afterward.
But.....
had a great Christmas this year!
Three things made it possible...
a loving family,
good friends,
and time.
Lots of time.
Be there for her. Let her cry on your shoulder when you think she needs that, and kick her in the butt when you think she needs that.
But most importantly, give her time to heal.

 

[lightsaver]

Well, dunno if it counts..but my ex told me that he was filing for divorce at the end of this month. Told me a few days before Christmas too.

*Shrugs*

Men can be idiots (no offense to the nice ones I know)...and worst timing imaginable.

*hugs* This month?! Sheesh!
And a few days before Christmas?!

You did help with sharing on here, for me, thank you Jaz

 

[lightsaver]

My fiance' from college broke up with me, over the phone no less, during Christmas break 28 yrs ago. Stopped a rape 2 days later, he was armed, I was not. Got shot for my trouble. Cops tried to arrest me when I objected to them calling the victim " a cheap 2 dollar hooker" (all the while bleeding from my left shoulder, albeit slowly, only a graze). My first wife, of 11 years, sent me a letter letting me know she wanted a divorce about 3 weeks before Christmas. A f___ing letter?
Both times hurt like hell!
Couldn't stand Christmas season for years afterward.
But.....
had a great Christmas this year!
Three things made it possible...
a loving family,
good friends,
and time.
Lots of time.
Be there for her. Let her cry on your shoulder when you think she needs that, and kick her in the butt when you think she needs that.
But most importantly, give her time to heal.

I love your username.
Gorgeous.
Thank you for your words and your advice.
I love it when I see courage and strength.
Beautiful.
Happy to read, that you had a lovely Christmas with all the ingredients to make it so, that includes you.


I am taking her and her children to see the latest Alvin and the Chipmunks movie tomorrow. She has already said, "Yes" - hope that lasts.
If so, my ears will be bleeding tomorrow at the movies.
A good distraction for them, so its no worries for me, I will carry cotton balls.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

*hugs* This month?! Sheesh!
And a few days before Christmas?!

You did help with sharing on here, for me, thank you Jaz

Yeah, this month. So I emailed the attorney who is helping with SSI/SSDI for me to see what his advice is since I can't afford a divorce attorney.

 

[musicfan1976]

Bad time of year

I remember the NY Daily News did an article on holiday break ups a year or two ago - but it focused on the days you're "allowed" to break up. Christmas definitely had a day or two cushion surrounding it. I remember laughing to myself b/c someone had once broken up with me during that time.

I have no clue what possesses someone to do something like that. Maybe it's guilt on their part. Perhaps it's a stress they can't handle. I have no idea. I do sympathize with your "dear" friend, however. It is completely awful to be on the receiving end of it - especially if you never saw it coming.

Best of luck. Pray. And give it time. That's my advice.

 

[lightsaver]

Yeah, this month. So I emailed the attorney who is helping with SSI/SSDI for me to see what his advice is since I can't afford a divorce attorney.

*hugs*

 

[lightsaver]

I remember the NY Daily News did an article on holiday break ups a year or two ago - but it focused on the days you're "allowed" to break up. Christmas definitely had a day or two cushion surrounding it. I remember laughing to myself b/c someone had once broken up with me during that time.

I have no clue what possesses someone to do something like that. Maybe it's guilt on their part. Perhaps it's a stress they can't handle. I have no idea. I do sympathize with your "dear" friend, however. It is completely awful to be on the receiving end of it - especially if you never saw it coming.

Best of luck. Pray. And give it time. That's my advice.

Thank you

 

[Nekid62]

A dear friend called me on Christmas Eve to tell me her husband left her and their two children...

Since I read your post I can't stop thinking about it and how amazingly low this person is to do such a thing not just to your friend but to those two children. Of all times he could have planned to do this he chose Christmas Eve! My wife an I both feel for them and the kids. And hope that he had a really crappy time on Christmas because of his decision, but I doubt it.

They will need there friends and family even more now especially to get through the holidays, but of course afterwards too. I'm glad that you were there for them as were there families.
This sort of thing makes me so angry to hear of such things! He could have atleast been man enough to wait until after the holidays to do this so as not to destroy Christmas for his own kids, even if they were step children, which I assume they are not. Those poor kids will always have this ugly horrible memory now because of him!
Broken hearts caused by someone doing something like this is one of the worst pains people can suffer, as most of us know who have experienced it. I would rather have physical pain instead, it heels faster atleast. But he cause a pain that may cause there hearts to harden to become uglier than a bad scar.

I hope that you stay there for your friend to provide hugs and that shoulder for her to cry on and that ear to listen. And the same for the kids.

My wife an I have also known our share of heart aches of course as most of us have. Her Ex while stationed in England and she was pregnant with his daughter, waited till she returned to the states to call her and tell her he wanted a divorce! Wasn't man enough to tell her face to face. Then after the divorce, he and his British girl friend got married before leaving the courthouse. He is in the same category as your friends husband in my book. And my Ex? You wouldn't believe plus too long a story of course to post here.

Take care of your friend and the kids. They will remember who was there for them later in life and love you more for it.


Mike

 

[lightsaver]

A dear friend called me on Christmas Eve to tell me her husband left her and their two children...

Since I read your post I can't stop thinking about it and how amazingly low this person is to do such a thing not just to your friend but to those two children. Of all times he could have planned to do this he chose Christmas Eve! My wife an I both feel for them and the kids. And hope that he had a really crappy time on Christmas because of his decision, but I doubt it.

They will need there friends and family even more now especially to get through the holidays, but of course afterwards too. I'm glad that you were there for them as were there families.
This sort of thing makes me so angry to hear of such things! He could have atleast been man enough to wait until after the holidays to do this so as not to destroy Christmas for his own kids, even if they were step children, which I assume they are not. Those poor kids will always have this ugly horrible memory now because of him!
Broken hearts caused by someone doing something like this is one of the worst pains people can suffer, as most of us know who have experienced it. I would rather have physical pain instead, it heels faster atleast. But he cause a pain that may cause there hearts to harden to become uglier than a bad scar.

I hope that you stay there for your friend to provide hugs and that shoulder for her to cry on and that ear to listen. And the same for the kids.

My wife an I have also known our share of heart aches of course as most of us have. Her Ex while stationed in England and she was pregnant with his daughter, waited till she returned to the states to call her and tell her he wanted a divorce! Wasn't man enough to tell her face to face. Then after the divorce, he and his British girl friend got married before leaving the courthouse. He is in the same category as your friends husband in my book. And my Ex? You wouldn't believe plus too long a story of course to post here.

Take care of your friend and the kids. They will remember who was there for them later in life and love you more for it.


Mike

Thank you so much for writing this, it encompasses what I feel about it also. Both generally and specifically.

Yes, I doubt he had a crappy Christmas too.

It is contemptible to me, that your wife's ex left her whilst pregnant with his child?! As is, leaving one's children at a time one knows they treasure - Christmas.
Yes, I agree, both are in the same LOW boat. Perhaps its because they sail in a swamp, rather than the clear blue waters of the ocean?

I understand not wanting to get into how well, you know this type of heartbreak, disappointment, deep hurt.
It is clear to me that both you and your wife have the sense and sensibility that stems from life and living with heart and humanity.
Thank you for your input, I apologise for not getting a chance to respond sooner but I did read it several times.

I did take them to lunch, then the movies yesterday. We laughed, ate, chatted, giggled, walked, talked. It helped me as well, to see them healthy and safe, I am very grateful for that opportunity to have a day with them. The two kids, wanted to do something else after the movies, so I think they had fun for sure. Genuinely got a day do something they enjoyed.
Makes me feel better about it too. To be able to unnotice how sad it can all be right now. Yesterday, nothing about my friend, or her two children was anywhere sad for me.
That may be selfish of me but I really liked seeing them, spending time with them and being able to as I am on vacation.
Only later last night, we chatted (my friend and I) on the phone about her finding a place to move into.

For now, they do not appear to be sinking. To me, they appear to be swimming.

 

[lightsaver]

Update:

He gave her two weeks to leave...his house.
Or else an eviction notice.
No instructions as to what happens to their children.

See when I heard this, over the phone, I thought...what a fucking lame excuse for a parent. And I could hear that 'asshole symphony' - you know the one for people who are so self absorbed; they have managed to situationally forget they have children who are all actually still children.

So we all got together, she cried as did many of us and now a plan for a day each week that one of us helps her find a home. Or childsits, or cooks, whatever is necessary.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

You may want to look into the laws...he may not be able to force her out. And since it's their kids, he has to see about paying some type of support. She needs to do this NOW!

 

[lightsaver]

You may want to look into the laws...he may not be able to force her out. And since it's their kids, he has to see about paying some type of support. She needs to do this NOW!

*nods* Jaz, she knows she has to find a lawyer fast. That one, I can't help with but I think you are very correct. Chances are he has a good lawyer already, why the exactness of the two weeks?
His parents gave him that house, its paid for.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

I know where you are may be different, but here's a good example.

Texas is a community state and alimony state. IF they've been married for so many years, she's entitled to half of it.

Divorce laws vary from state to state or in your case, country, but yeah..she may have more rights than he wants her to believe.

 

[Bystander]

Damn I'm sorry to hear that. Sound like a real sleaze-bag. This is one of those cases where I hope she really sticks it to that bastard in court. Hope she can find a good attorney to help her through this.

 

[lightsaver]

Thank you for the tips Jaz and thank you Bystander.
All of you, thanks again

I tread cautiously on what I say; moreso, I listen to her.

Because her blood pressure is up and there are a lot of imperative actions that need to be taken and she knows it.

Honestly, I hope he gives her more time. Finding a reputable lawyer alone is a task. Far less a place to live.
Of course, push comes to shove, she and her two children can live with her parents. A sibling has volunteered too.

So they will not be homeless.

 

[Shadowann2]

I'm so sorry for your friend. I understand how hard this all can be.

My ex left me and the kids two weeks after our anniversary. He would come and spend time with us, and talked about working things out. He came over on Mother's Day and agreed to spend the night with me. He hadn't done that since he moved out. He called his parents to tell them he wouldn't be home that night. We watched TV and cuddled for about 45 minutes, and then he busts out and tells me that he wants a divorce!!! ON MOTHER'S DAY! I cried and begged, and ended waking up the kids because I was yelling at him about what an ass he was. So I spent the rest of the night consoling them about the fact that Mom and Dad were getting divorced. That is one day I'd like to forget.

A lawyer is a must! Before she moves out, she need to make sure that she has to. She is entitled to child support, and he can be required to pay her lawyer fees in the final decree.

Just keep doing what you're doing for her and her kids. I wish I'd had someone like you back then!

 

[Night_Jasmine]

Exactly...my mom, when my parents were divorcing, did NOT have to leave the house. The attorney was firm on that - do not go.

She needs to find out the laws, even if it's calling a family friend, or something.

 

[CJontherocks]

I had to read through this thread several times before I could respond. How sad I am for those children. Christmas is such a wonderful time of every year, and I can't imagine what my feelings would be if that was a source of sadness. I hope your friend's children are young enough that this won't affect them for years to come. And I hope she will continue to blame the jerk she married for this, and not hold a grudge against the beautiful season of giving. It sounds like you and her other friends and family did a very good job of making up for that jerk's insensitivity and selfishness.

People can allow themselves to become so self-absorbed that they forget the many things that are so much more important than their current level of personal satisfaction. I have rationalized, projected and compartmentalized myself out of several relationships, with some grace but many regrets, so I say "people" hoping it's not just me. I have been short-sighted at times, to the point that I thought I was doing a better thing by ending, rather than improving, an unsatisfying relationship. And even though I believe I would never ever ever ruin Christmas, I am guilty of ending a relationship without thought to other considerations that seem so much more important now than they did then. Sadness and regret will be somewhere in my epitaph, I'm sure, and I hope they will be his to bear someday as well.

Based solely on my personal observations and experiences in life, it sounds like that guy found someone he likes better. That alone seems to motivate men the most to do thoughtless things. He may have talked himself into thinking she was better off without him, he may have projected his unhappiness onto her, he may have thought nothing was more important than ending this relationship in order to move on in life. Please don't think I'm justifying anything he's done. His actions have been nothing short of abhorrent... to evict his wife and children out of their home... unbelievable. I just know that people do what they believe is the best thing, based on the information they have (or allow themselves to consider) at the time. Whether "the best thing" is for themselves, for everyone involved, or solely for others, is the difference between good people and bad. So unless your friend is an abusive and raving lunatic (which seems unlikely, considering so many dear friends and family have come to her rescue), then he is a bad person.

Maybe this one sad Christmas is worth getting rid of him after all. Please tell your friend that one complete stranger wishes her and her children a lifetime of merry Christmases from now on.

 

[lightsaver]

I'm so sorry for your friend. I understand how hard this all can be.

My ex left me and the kids two weeks after our anniversary. He would come and spend time with us, and talked about working things out. He came over on Mother's Day and agreed to spend the night with me. He hadn't done that since he moved out. He called his parents to tell them he wouldn't be home that night. We watched TV and cuddled for about 45 minutes, and then he busts out and tells me that he wants a divorce!!! ON MOTHER'S DAY! I cried and begged, and ended waking up the kids because I was yelling at him about what an ass he was. So I spent the rest of the night consoling them about the fact that Mom and Dad were getting divorced. That is one day I'd like to forget.

A lawyer is a must! Before she moves out, she need to make sure that she has to. She is entitled to child support, and he can be required to pay her lawyer fees in the final decree.

Just keep doing what you're doing for her and her kids. I wish I'd had someone like you back then!

*hand to heart*
Thank you for being kind and generous enough to share what you experienced here. It has helped me to comprehend a bit better, the scope, the enormity of this and yet...it is all too familiar and not at all unusual.

Thank you too for the compliment on how I have been a good friend, to my good friend.

Her children are incredible and the way she and her children interact is lovely to witness. They hug and kiss, randomly, out of the clear blue sky. Even before all this madness....many different times, her children will express their love for her and vice versa. Or, tell their Mom, how she looks pretty. And vice versa.

It is one of the things in this world that I hoped to see and do see with how she is towards her children and how they are towards her.
We've known each other since childhood, through college. I stopped when I got my Bachelor's Degree and she went on to her Master's then law degree. She is one of those people who LOVE academia.
I am empahtically - the opposite.

Yet we stayed close.

She's been a dear friend to me too. No doubt.

Today she mentioned her fears and they are disturbing. I don't think any lawyer can quell the thought of her being in any danger.
At this point, she and her kids are guaranteed a roof over their heads.
Even if staying with family does not work out for her, I have an air bed.
It will work out.

It has to.

 

[lightsaver]

I had to read through this thread several times before I could respond. How sad I am for those children. Christmas is such a wonderful time of every year, and I can't imagine what my feelings would be if that was a source of sadness. I hope your friend's children are young enough that this won't affect them for years to come. And I hope she will continue to blame the jerk she married for this, and not hold a grudge against the beautiful season of giving. It sounds like you and her other friends and family did a very good job of making up for that jerk's insensitivity and selfishness.

People can allow themselves to become so self-absorbed that they forget the many things that are so much more important than their current level of personal satisfaction. I have rationalized, projected and compartmentalized myself out of several relationships, with some grace but many regrets, so I say "people" hoping it's not just me. I have been short-sighted at times, to the point that I thought I was doing a better thing by ending, rather than improving, an unsatisfying relationship. And even though I believe I would never ever ever ruin Christmas, I am guilty of ending a relationship without thought to other considerations that seem so much more important now than they did then. Sadness and regret will be somewhere in my epitaph, I'm sure, and I hope they will be his to bear someday as well.

Based solely on my personal observations and experiences in life, it sounds like that guy found someone he likes better. That alone seems to motivate men the most to do thoughtless things. He may have talked himself into thinking she was better off without him, he may have projected his unhappiness onto her, he may have thought nothing was more important than ending this relationship in order to move on in life. Please don't think I'm justifying anything he's done. His actions have been nothing short of abhorrent... to evict his wife and children out of their home... unbelievable. I just know that people do what they believe is the best thing, based on the information they have (or allow themselves to consider) at the time. Whether "the best thing" is for themselves, for everyone involved, or solely for others, is the difference between good people and bad. So unless your friend is an abusive and raving lunatic (which seems unlikely, considering so many dear friends and family have come to her rescue), then he is a bad person.

Maybe this one sad Christmas is worth getting rid of him after all. Please tell your friend that one complete stranger wishes her and her children a lifetime of merry Christmases from now on.

This complete stranger would like to let you know..
Yes, I will gladly pass on your lovely wish and to take a moment to thank you for your articulate and heartfelt post. (Although each person on here is so eloquent, their individual posts feel like letters. )

I read yours a handful of times...wise, insightful....on par with how I feel about many aspects of this madness. It is so nice to see how many of us are flawed, myself included of course; and yet we can bloom within ourself.
Find that glimmer...so to speak..

There is an old saying, one that I favour, your 'letter' reminded me of it:
"Where flowers bloom, so does hope."


http://static.flickr.com/3357/3251569274_0e5cc69c97.jpg

 

[lightsaver]

Last night, her 10 year old daughter called me to tell me about a huge fight she overhead - her Mom had called her 'Dad' to basically plead with his paternal senses to give her more time to find a place - suitable for the children.
He has agreed to pay for 1/3 of the cost...what is that about? He claims it is legit. Whatever.
I don't get it. I am sad and angry.
It is valuable that this great kid can call me. We talked about that for a minute and then I re-directed the convo to asking about her homework, school, her friends, her latest celebrity crush.

I have a pile (literally) of bills to pay and I wonder about the world as I sort out what needs to be paid sooner than tomorrow. At least I have lots of company with sorting out the jungle of bills.

I hope each of you is safe and sound and saying a prayer for those in the aftermath of this latest earthquake catastrophe, as well as those with loved ones in Haiti.