Hiya

[OmnislashXX]

Heya, just introducing myself to the board. I also submitted a story. Hope everyone enjoys it.

 

[OmnislashXX]

Heya. Well it looks like people have already viewed it, so I guess that's good.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=160203

That's think link in case anyone is curious. EDIT: whoops... wrong sig pic there!

 

[BlackShanglan]

Feedback

Just my tuppence, and feel free to throw it back into my face. You might want to think about the introduction. The story begins by establishing the setting, which on the surface sounds like a good idea, right? Get all of that "where are we, when are we, who are we talking about" stuff out of the way at the beginning. So you tell us:

The kingdom of Jupta. This place is a place filled with heroic knights, mystical creatures and dark magic. The kingdom was set on a huge continent that it shares with five other neighboring Kingdoms. Jupta, located on the very west of the Alexian continent, is friendly to all the other kingdoms, save for the Shiarl Kingdom, a country that sits on Jupta's northeast border. They have, over the course of time, engaged in warfare over the borders, land and resources. No side has ever been able to gain any substantive victories over the other, so the wars have always ended up coming to stalemates. The only real casualties, have been the men lost in those battles. This story takes place seven years after the last debacle.

Sarah was the daughter of the head priest of the Shrine of Shereidon. Shereidon was a god that many of the peoples on the Alexian continent worshiped. There were many shrines built throughout the countries for the people to gather. The Shiarl Kingdom, however, did not worship Shereidon, though they believed and coveted his power.

And I - having already noted that this is 12 web pages long - go read something else. Why?

This is the introduction to the 12 page story I *did* make it through:

London, 1825

“Fayfee,” the man slurred, lurching drunkenly at her. “Fayfee, I luf you. I luf you, Fayfee. Why -” (he hiccuped) “Why can’t you mar- marrrrrry me?” He clutched at her gown, staring dolefully up at her with glazed eyes, and swayed slightly as he fought to keep his balance.

Faith Elizabeth Amalia Sarah Jannelle de Courte Constantinos, fifth Countess of Devenry, seventh Viscountess of Rawlston, 12th Baronness of Tusane, daughter of the late 6th Duke of Edenvale, and sister to the 7th Duke of Edenvale, rolled her eyes and resisted the extraordinarily strong urge to stamp her foot. Firmly, but gently, she removed Lord Perry’s hands from her sleeve, and set him solidly against the wall where he proceeded to begin sliding downwards. With a sigh she grabbed his arms and heaved him up again, where he stood, this time swaying, but upright.

Admittedly, there was a prologue which I did not like nearly as much. But it was short, and I saw this, and it grabbed me. Why? Action. Intriguing action. Who is this guy, why is he lurching drunkenly after a woman, hey look the author has a sense of humor, why won't she marry him, why does he want her to marry him, is she is big trouble from some drunken lout about to attack her?! I want to know what's going on in this story. I am intrigued specifically because the author *hasn't* said, "Here's everything about the town, the time period, and the character, so that you know everything before I start." I'm allowed to wonder, to be curious, to want to keep going to find out the answers. And I have interesting, rather amusing action and language to suggest to me that it will be worth finding out.

IMHO, good way to start a story.

Shanglan

(And the rest of that excellent story is here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=142113)

 

[OmnislashXX]

:lol Your comparing apples to oranges. Admittingly, the two examples are about the same length. OK so I give you a small bit of history first.. nothing wrong with that. Oh right... you also didn't read the whole prologue did you? Hmmm..

 

[Rainbow Skin]

You could simply drop those first two paragraphs. They serve no purpose, and it would start much better without them. The rest of the first page as it stands brings in dukes and knights and temples and warfare, but in the proper place, in the middle of the action. You don't even need to change anything else.

If it's really really important to mention that the Thingummys don't worship What-you-may-call-it, and it's not made plain enough by their raid on a temple, you could drop in half a line at that point where it becomes relevant. Likewise an unobtrusive 'since their inconclusive battle seven years ago' or 'heading northwards' ten or twenty paragraphs in is going to sit much more comfortably in the reader's mind than a bag of names and places at the top. Readers pick up names that are repeated and gain significance thereby. I think the rest of the story looks good as the sort of action tale BlackShanglan is recommending.

 

[OmnislashXX]

Ok. Whatever. I don't really care, because I just wrote it for fun. Really, even if i changed it, people would complain anyway, because that's what people always like to do..complain. So like whatever.

 

[MercyMia]

Ok. Whatever. I don't really care, because I just wrote it for fun. Really, even if i changed it, people would complain anyway, because that's what people always like to do..complain. So like whatever.

I thought you were asking people for feedback.

 

[FleurduMal]

So, like, this is like the "story feedback forum," where people, like, offer feedback. I'm guessing you really just wanted to advertise your story, and there's, like, another thread for that.

Even if you didn't really want feedback, you might have realized that the two critiques you got were not mean, but were full of nice, constructive feedback that any writer interested in improving their work would have appreciated a great deal. The appropriate response to such feedback, which people take time out of their busy days to offer as a service to their fellow writers, is "thank you."

 

[OmnislashXX]

Ok. Thank you for the critiques. No, I'm not changing the current story's format, but I'll keep your comments in mind when I write the next one.

 

[Tanuki]

I'm really enjoying the story so far, it's just the kind of buildup I like.

Yes, they're right you should be more accepting of criticism, but good feedback includes both what you liked and didnt like - we are talking about people's works of love here. No pun intended!

I also think the opening is very important, especially if you're a new author, lots of people decide if they want to read it in the first paragraph.

I've gotten great feedback on my story, but I'm too lazy to go rewrite it, bah!

 

[Tanuki]

Having read more, I want to suggest shortening the description of the furry things chewing her clothes, it goes on way too long (3 pages) - erotic story telling has a rhythm, a natural progression. If it goes on too long, the reader loses interest. I wanted that part to go faster.