Hitting on same sex

[Mermaid]

Hi All,

At the darling Etoil's suggestion I'm posting this here, in addition to the How To board. She's a lovely human, is she not?

I have a question/challenge for you. How do you approach someone of the same sex, that you may be interested in, when you don't know how they'll react? That's a mouthful.

I actually freeze up when hitting on either gender, if I happen to be interested in the person. Any suggestions? And in the situation of them being the same gender, and not "out" that poses more questions/complications.

I'd like to know your thoughts on this.

Thanks,

Mer

 

[SweetErika]

I really have no clue, but I can wait to hear some of the responses!

I'm trying to think what I would respond to and how I'd flirt with a woman. Compliments would be a good place to start...a genuine compliment when you're making eye contact. You could also use body language like lots of eye contact, smiling, mirroring, and touching her forearm or back during a conversation. If she seems responsive, tell her you've really enjoyed talking to her and ask her if she'd like to have coffee or a drink sometime.

 

[fljim0121]

Good question, Mermaid.

With men some things are easier and some things are more difficult. The difficult part is figuring out if the person is at least gay or bi, because if a straight guy knew he was being hit on by another guy he might go ballistic.

But once his preference is established, I think most of the same rules apply for men as it does to women.

Of course for me that's easier said than done. I tend to get tongue-tied around anyone I'm attracted to.

 

[Frimost]

I asked one of the ex-strippers I used to know how she hit on other women. First you have to establish whether they are gay or bi or not. The best way to do that is inch to the subject by increments. Start small talk about a movie or celebrity, bring up a scene in a movie or TV Show where she had a same-sex moment, then innocentl ask if she also ever kissed another women, continue on with queries like that (asking her if she had if she had ever slept with a woman or if she was curious) until you know her orientation. Once you know she is also gay or bi then start flirting with her just as she was a guy, innocent looks, playful pats and feels, holding her hands, you know-standard stuff.

 

[Never]

Mermaid:
Hi All

Hi Mermaid.

"At the darling Etoil's suggestion I'm posting this here, in addition to the How To board. She's a lovely human, is she not?"

She's lovely on many levels. Like an onion of exquisiteness, charm, and allure.

I have a question/challenge for you. How do you approach someone of the same sex, that you may be interested in, when you don't know how they'll react? That's a mouthful.

I actually freeze up when hitting on either gender, if I happen to be interested in the person. Any suggestions? And in the situation of them being the same gender, and not "out" that poses more questions/complications."

This isn't a topic that I can cover in one or two posts. It's also more controversial than you might realize and any advice I give is only applicable to a female seeking out another female. That is, as far as I know.

I also feel uncomfortable assuming your experience or if you're asking this question in general or for a specific person. You can disagree with me and disregard everything I saw if you so desire.

First: Be Out. Be Proud. Be Sane.

I used to think this went without saying but boy was I wrong. People around you should know you're queer. It's okay if you're married and queer or if you're single and queer or if you're dating someone of the opposite sex and queer. You being out will make the area you're out in queer friendly. You'll be making the world a better place and other queers will suddenly feel much more comfortable being out around you.

Being proud is part of being out and is has nothing to do with marching in parades or making a general nuisance of yourself. It just means that your sexuality shouldn't be an 'open secret.' It shouldn't be *hint**hint**wink**wink*.

The last part is one of those controversial bits I talked about before. In my experience, the best known lesbians in any community are the loud, annoying ones who have 'issues' that desperately need to be resolved. Don't be one of those. Take an honest look at your life and how you present yourself before trying to hook up with someone else. Doing so will make life much better for you, for your partners, and for the community as a whole.

Okay, that's the end of part one. If you have any questions, write them down now and I'll answer them. If not, I'll move on to part two on Monday.

 

[Mermaid]

My personal experience. Well, I guess that's personal. I will giv e this, however: While I have crushed on a few ladies, and gone further with fewer, none have developed into full blown relationships.

I am out to those that know me well. Not out at work, due to "morality clause" and my own personal none of their business clause. I've done the organizing and the parades, but there's not really a "scene" where I live. Not a gay or dyke bar for 40 miles. I don't feel I need to tell people my orientation before they know my birthday. But if I'm going to sleep with them, or be close to them emotionally, then they will know. And that's enough for me. I don't feel, or want to feel, pressure to be OUT, more than I am. Though, I agree it's a good idea for those who choose that route.

I'm really asking for help with how my situation is most likely to evolve... in a non "scene" establishment where sexuality isn't known.

Looking forward to chapter 2.

Now I'm off to watch Carnivale...

 

[Frimost]

Now I'm off to watch Carnivale...

I loved that show. I heard that they cancelled it on HBO after the first season though?

 

[Netzach]

usually we go to coffee I get uncharacteristically shy and we dance around the idea for 3 days, sometimes we'll talk about how we feel about relationships, life, the universe, everything, I tell her about my other relationships in the name of good poly ethical slut honesty

then we either have sex or don't. I know I'm in good when I hear "hey, I learned this yoni massage technique, do you want a pussy massage?"

I have very thick, dense, say-what-you mean boy/butch brain, flirting does not compute.

 

[Xectxny19X]

To be honest and this is totally just my opinion, it's going to be really hard in a non-scene environment esp. if you don't fit the stereotypical lesbian type. When I decided to put a rainbow yin-yang symbol on the messenger bag I carried around, I found more girls looking and talking to me than usual. Some even asked me if I knew what it meant...I guess to check! Before that, I would flirt and do everything to get a girl's attention and what not, but it WAS hard. So...um, am I babbling. I'm so sorry, but I hope that helped you out just a little bit. Overall, I was suggesting maybe you could wear some kind of symbol that only people in the GLBT community would recognize.

 

[Xectxny19X]

OH and about Carnivale...I heard there was a season 2? Come on, how could they cancel that. It has Nick Stahl and Clea Duvall in it! Geesh! ugggh, I've been curious. Where did you get that avatar Frimost?!! Thanks. *wink*

 

[Frimost]

OH and about Carnivale...I heard there was a season 2? Come on, how could they cancel that. It has Nick Stahl and Clea Duvall in it! Geesh! ugggh, I've been curious. Where did you get that avatar Frimost?!! Thanks. *wink*

What are you watching Carnival outside the States where they get our shit a year late or something (like in the U.K.)? Yeah, they cancelled it, it was one of my favorite shows and towards the end there was even a lesbian relationship devloping between the main female character (don't remember her name) and one of the slutty nude dancing girl sisters!

I don't remember where I got the avatar from, just that it was a website devoted to erotic avatars and you could look them up by category. I got it before I lost my internet access at home...It's been a long time, to long to remember the name or URL of the site. sorry.

 

[Mermaid]

Carnivale Season 2 just started on Sunday on HBO. If you're quick about it, you could catch the replay this week!

Thanks to everyone for your input. I like having suggestions in my bag of tricks. Makes my shy girl side feel a little bolder.

 

[Never]

Oh yeah. Bad Never. I forgot about this thread.

Part 2: Change your mindset

Aggressively seek out and capture what you desire. Much of society suggests that a female's place in the courtship ritual is to look pretty and be friendly. This essentially a passive role that works poorly in female/female situations. The problem is that even men have trouble taking the aggressive, or active, role. To do so means possible denial, humiliation, and hurt feelings.

Changing your mindset is twofold then: The first part is to create an active strategy for your romantic goal and the second is to overcome your fear of rejection.

At this point, it would be good to know what your romantic goal is. Would you like to connect with more possible partners? Would you like make yourself more attractive to possible partners? Would you like to go on more dates? Are you seeking a single, long-term relationship or a would you like to 'play the field'? Is there are particular person you're interested linking up with romantically?

Sit down and write out a specific, achievable goal and a specific time by which you would like to achieve that goal. This can be as simple as "I want to tell X I am attracted to her and ask her out for dinner" or as broad as "I would like to meet and flirt with many attractive individuals."

Now, write down three to five activities you can complete that would help you further this goal.

At some point, you'll have to have a conversation with someone in which you risk rejection. Write down what you want to say to them and then practice it with a friend. Now, many of you might be rolling your eyes right now or wondering if I've lost my mind. The truth is, practicing what you're going to say will both make you less likely to stumble, more likely to actually say it, and you'll sound, and feel, much more confident.

While you're practicing, have your friend reject or refuse you the majority of the time. This lessens the emotional impact of the rejection and teaches you to respond to rejection in a polite, secure manner.

 

[Xectxny19X]

Carnivale Season 2 just started on Sunday on HBO. If you're quick about it, you could catch the replay this week!

Thanks to everyone for your input. I like having suggestions in my bag of tricks. Makes my shy girl side feel a little bolder.

wha...did I see bag of tricks written? *eg* take care.

 

[Xectxny19X]

Oh yeah. Bad Never. I forgot about this thread.

Part 2: Change your mindset

Aggressively seek out and capture what you desire. Much of society suggests that a female's place in the courtship ritual is to look pretty and be friendly. This essentially a passive role that works poorly in female/female situations. The problem is that even men have trouble taking the aggressive, or active, role. To do so means possible denial, humiliation, and hurt feelings.

Changing your mindset is twofold then: The first part is to create an active strategy for your romantic goal and the second is to overcome your fear of rejection.

At this point, it would be good to know what your romantic goal is. Would you like to connect with more possible partners? Would you like make yourself more attractive to possible partners? Would you like to go on more dates? Are you seeking a single, long-term relationship or a would you like to 'play the field'? Is there are particular person you're interested linking up with romantically?

Sit down and write out a specific, achievable goal and a specific time by which you would like to achieve that goal. This can be as simple as "I want to tell X I am attracted to her and ask her out for dinner" or as broad as "I would like to meet and flirt with many attractive individuals."

Now, write down three to five activities you can complete that would help you further this goal.

At some point, you'll have to have a conversation with someone in which you risk rejection. Write down what you want to say to them and then practice it with a friend. Now, many of you might be rolling your eyes right now or wondering if I've lost my mind. The truth is, practicing what you're going to say will both make you less likely to stumble, more likely to actually say it, and you'll sound, and feel, much more confident.

While you're practicing, have your friend reject or refuse you the majority of the time. This lessens the emotional impact of the rejection and teaches you to respond to rejection in a polite, secure manner.

I definitely was not rolling my eyes while reading this one. Thanks for sharing this. It was really helpful!

 

[Xectxny19X]

What are you watching Carnival outside the States where they get our shit a year late or something (like in the U.K.)? Yeah, they cancelled it, it was one of my favorite shows and towards the end there was even a lesbian relationship devloping between the main female character (don't remember her name) and one of the slutty nude dancing girl sisters!

I don't remember where I got the avatar from, just that it was a website devoted to erotic avatars and you could look them up by category. I got it before I lost my internet access at home...It's been a long time, to long to remember the name or URL of the site. sorry.

awww...it's okay! That avatar is def. HOTT though. take care.

 

[sexy-girl]

never posted some really good advice on this thread ... i'll try and give some of my own advice ... but i have limited experience with dating

first of all i agree with never about being out and comfortable with your sexuality ... i'm in a long term relationship with a woman and although we met unconventionally and by chance now that i'm out and more visibly and openly out there's been other chances for me meet other bi/gay women

so if i was actually single and looking i could of pursued some of those women ala never's part 2 advice


i do have a small warning though about being more visibly out ... for reasons that escape me straight women enjoy flirting with gay women ... maybe its because they enjoy the chance to flirt with someone with the safety net of assuming you know their not really interested and they themselves not being interested ... because they feel "safe" too they seem to be able to take the flirting quite far

friends seem especially guilty of this flirting ... i'm not sure if their trying to show their comfortable with me being gay or if their making fun of me

anyway its harmless unless you take their flirting serious ... because it is possible that you might be able to steal a make out with one of these women ... or maybe even more ... the problem is they are straight and because they are women they can be quite vicious and you will lose them as friends


ok so now you're maybe more worried about approaching non out friends incase they are the evil straight teasing flirts ... the way to deal with approaching non out girls you're attracted to is to ask them and talk to them ... find out if they have ever had any feelings for women or if they feel they ever could ... they will be more comfortable talking to you about it because you're already out and they will see you as an expert


anyway that's my advice i'm not sure how good it is because i haven't had much experience with approaching women