Historicity/Political Content of story

[foxysephiroth2291]

Author- foxysephiroth2291
Story- Nakba Ch. 1 http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=320586
Category- Erotic Couplings

My story has unfortunately vitriolic feedback based on its political content so I'd like to hear, if anyone has an opinion, why they are particularly opposed to its content? Is it simply because it tells a story about Palestinian characters who can be empathized with? Because in the end I would say that seems to explain the rating.

 

[slyc_willie]

I can imagine why there would be negative feedback to your story. There are numerous readers out there who have a hard time separating fiction from reality. Don't let them bother you.

The story was well-paced, hot, and historically enlightening. The details you provided, by placing the characters at the dawn of the formation of Israel, went a long way to describing who they are. You should be proud of this story, for many reasons.

I am glad this was a first chapter. I look forward to reading more about Rana and Amir.

 

[Varian P]

My story has unfortunately vitriolic feedback based on its political content so I'd like to hear, if anyone has an opinion, why they are particularly opposed to its content? Is it simply because it tells a story about Palestinian characters who can be empathized with? Because in the end I would say that seems to explain the rating.

I'm a little confused as to what you're looking for--if you received vitriolic feedback on the political content, then you have more info from those commenting than we could guess, based solely on the content of the story.

If, on the other hand, you're asking for constructive criticism on a story that isn't scoring as high as you'd wish, as far as votes, I'm happy to give you my thoughts, and am sure others will, too.

For a start, I appreciate a story like yours, which has substance to it beyond the sex. Your writing mechanics are fine, and your opening is quite good--she's waiting for someone, and he's late, so there's a bit of tension, even before I'm aware of the danger they're in.

As for the political content, I like the idea of your story very much. There's rich potential for a moving scene or even a longer story, where the romance and sex are made poignant by the situation the couple and their people are in.

However, your piece is extremely short, and the transition from the rather dry expository discussion on the political and strategic situation is pretty abrupt. I didn't feel much erotic tension before they start going at it. Also, it felt a little like two scenes pasted together--except for that quick closing line, I never felt that the sex was connected to the situation laid out at the opening. For the setting and all its implications to be meaningful to the story, I need to feel more that this night is a fleeting escape from the dangers around them, or that this might be their last time together, or something to make me care about the encounter, beyond the stroke-factor.

Once the sex scene started, it felt rushed and a bit mechanical, and there are lots of odd phrases/images here and there that detract from the flow, like these:

Her long hair fell down in waves, washing across her back and to her waist, which was grinding faster against Amir's hand.

Her waist is grinding against his hand?

His hands hurriedly removed his pants and then his undergarments, revealing his throbbing member underneath. Rana was always mesmerized by the initial sight of it- thick and wet and throbbing.

Why is his member always wet? If you mean there's a pearl of pre-cum glistening at the tip of the head, say that.

She let him take her head in his hand and thrust it towards her mouth.

I know what you mean, but this sentence is telling me that he is thrusting her head toward her mouth.

For the erotic encounter to be, um, erotic, we need to be wrapped up in the sensuality of the scene--the scents, the sounds, the sensations, or be immersed in some fabulous sexual tension. Preferably both.

This is a particularly good image:

She gasped from the onslaught and tried her hardest to match each blow against her hips. The sounds of their flesh joining filled the cave around them, drowning out the sounds of the water.

When I read that, I could hear that clapping sound of hard fucking, and for that moment, I'm right there where you want me.

Often, though, your scene seems very focused on motion imagery--her head falling back in satisfaction, her hips grinding, etc., while you mention other senses--her "savoring his taste," but don't pause to let us take part in her experience--what does he taste like? The overall effect, for me, is that I feel like I'm watching them at a distance, rather than feeling immersed in their pleasure.

I hope some of that's helpful to you.

And I hope you'll keep writing the stories you want to write, without letting the useless trolls out there get you down about the political content. If you're pissing them off, you're doing something right.

-Varian

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

LMAO. You've fallen into the viscious trap of political commentary. Half the readers will see your story one way and identify with it, the other half another and hate it.

My first comment concerns the names. It seems clear that Amir is an arab. So is the woman. Palistinians are not popular with most of the western world right now. Even though you haven't really identified them as such, in the minds of many readers they are members of Hamas or some other terrorist group. With that single element you've lost a large share of your readers. As Drk said, there are a lot of readers who cannot separate fiction from real life. This is a good example.

As far as the actual story - forgetting the political bullshit - it's really pretty good. The characters seem real, the background real and the basis for your plot seems plausible. Technically, your writing is very good.

I would have liked to have seen a longer story here. What you've written is a little short - more of a sex scene than a real story. But, keep going. You are doing alright.

 

[fursmoke11]

It is sad that politics can come into feedback on story writing.
I can read a story written by a person with a completely different political perpective than me and still enjoy it.
Sadly I think that these days people are very prejudiced.

But I would also say that the majority of people in the western world are in no way against Islam, Palestine or the Arab people. In fact, it tends to be, as in all these things, a tiny minority of tiny minded loudmouthed bigots only. Ignore them....these are people who would've burned books with the Nazis or persecuted writers under McCarthyism; been in the KKK or the NF, or beaten up gays.

The Arab people have contributed greatly to human culture contrary to the views of some ignorant souls. I would far rather take tea in the sincere welcome of a bedoiun tent than the muck that passes for tea in the false welcome of the golden arches.

Sadly we live in an intolerant age. Let us hope that does not eventually interfere with the freedom of all of us to write what we think and feel without fear of persecution from bigots.