8letters
Writing
- Joined
- May 27, 2013
- Posts
- 2,230
In another thread, georgie57 wrote in reply to one of my posts:
Story is here. It's a one-page story with three characters - a masseuse, a bound woman whose in some kind of sexual relationship with the masseuse and a young black man named Tony.
First off, your story is just not the type of story that appeals to me. As an author, I'm moving towards writing stories where I share a lot of the main characters thoughts, but those thoughts are rarely about sex. They're about what he's trying to accomplish in life, his attraction to his romantic interest and his relationship with his romantic interest. The sex flows naturally out of the attraction he feels for his romantic interest. Your story is nothing like that.
I don't like that the woman in the story is only addressed as "You". It's not me. I'm a guy. When you write, "I move in front of you and latch on to your right breast. I suckle hungrily, and the sweet warm milk comes quickly." That doesn't get me excited as someone doing that to me doesn't appeal to me. Now it would appeal to me if it was done to a sexy woman I was watching in my head.
You don't provide any backstory. We don't know the relationship between the bound woman and Tony. Is her her son? Her lover? What's the relationship between the masseuse and the bound woman? Why would she let the masseuse bind her up? Why did Tony come to see the masseuse?
Without those answers, the sex in the story doesn't really appeal to me. Instead, I ended up scanning to the bottom looking for details about the relationships. The ending took me by surprise. I was okay with that, but not thrilled.
I'll give feedback to anyone who asks and whose story genre doesn't turn me off.
Story is here. It's a one-page story with three characters - a masseuse, a bound woman whose in some kind of sexual relationship with the masseuse and a young black man named Tony.
First off, your story is just not the type of story that appeals to me. As an author, I'm moving towards writing stories where I share a lot of the main characters thoughts, but those thoughts are rarely about sex. They're about what he's trying to accomplish in life, his attraction to his romantic interest and his relationship with his romantic interest. The sex flows naturally out of the attraction he feels for his romantic interest. Your story is nothing like that.
I don't like that the woman in the story is only addressed as "You". It's not me. I'm a guy. When you write, "I move in front of you and latch on to your right breast. I suckle hungrily, and the sweet warm milk comes quickly." That doesn't get me excited as someone doing that to me doesn't appeal to me. Now it would appeal to me if it was done to a sexy woman I was watching in my head.
You don't provide any backstory. We don't know the relationship between the bound woman and Tony. Is her her son? Her lover? What's the relationship between the masseuse and the bound woman? Why would she let the masseuse bind her up? Why did Tony come to see the masseuse?
Without those answers, the sex in the story doesn't really appeal to me. Instead, I ended up scanning to the bottom looking for details about the relationships. The ending took me by surprise. I was okay with that, but not thrilled.
