His- Feed Back Appreciated

[knotaslut]

This was my fist submission of this poem to any kind of literary website. I would appreciate any feedback. TIA ~Knota~

For Him . . .
she lay curled at His feet
contented, relaxed, but watchful as He slept
senses somehow elevated, heightened
body aching from His hard touch
soul aching from her desire for more
of Him
her mind cluttered and foggy but for her need of Him
silently screaming out for His touch, a word, a glance
the growing heat and wetness the only witness of her desire
for Him
she stirs in her desire for the feel of His skin, His hands, His mouth
her back arches and her cheek brushes against His calf
His hand shoots out catching her by her hair
His hand locking into her curls, tighter
the tug and pressure as His hand pulls her close
to Him
she glances upwards, breathing deeply, His hand demands her
her back arches more, eyes smoldering
breasts bruised and happily offered, nipples hard, pointed
thighs spread, open, trembling
tongue anxiously flicking across full lips
desire screaming through her nerves like jolts of electricity
from Him
green eyes detect a faint smile
bravely she raises her heated gaze to His cool one
His eyebrow raised
"slave" He lowly growled as He pulled her head to Him
"Master" she moaned in a whisper her eyes still locked to His
as she kneeled willingly,longingly in front of Him
Belonging to Him

 

[vrosej10]

This was my fist submission of this poem to any kind of literary website. I would appreciate any feedback. TIA ~Knota~

For Him . . .
she lay curled at His feet
contented, relaxed, but watchful as He slept
senses somehow elevated, heightened
body aching from His hard touch
soul aching from her desire for more
of Him
her mind cluttered and foggy but for her need of Him
silently screaming out for His touch, a word, a glance
the growing heat and wetness the only witness of her desire
for Him
she stirs in her desire for the feel of His skin, His hands, His mouth
her back arches and her cheek brushes against His calf
His hand shoots out catching her by her hair
His hand locking into her curls, tighter
the tug and pressure as His hand pulls her close
to Him
she glances upwards, breathing deeply, His hand demands her
her back arches more, eyes smoldering
breasts bruised and happily offered, nipples hard, pointed
thighs spread, open, trembling
tongue anxiously flicking across full lips
desire screaming through her nerves like jolts of electricity
from Him
green eyes detect a faint smile
bravely she raises her heated gaze to His cool one
His eyebrow raised
"slave" He lowly growled as He pulled her head to Him
"Master" she moaned in a whisper her eyes still locked to His
as she kneeled willingly,longingly in front of Him
Belonging to Him

Not quite my speed (but as I have said before, taste is opinion, not fact).

It's not a bad poem. My biggest problem is that it seems too familiar, there is nothing particularly original or startling, which you really need, especially around here were porn poems are a dime a dozen (go to the erotic poems and have a long read and you'll see what I mean).Dig down and try to think hard on every image you include. Think how can I say this in a fresh way? How, exactly do I see this thing and how is it unique? How does my work sound? Poems should sound lovely, musical in most cases.

I feel this poem is coming from a real place of real feelings but that does not alway make for interesting poetry.

I think the pace might be wrong; I found it narcotic rather than arousing.

The one thing that I can point to that is absolutely wrong and needs to be fixed is line highlighted in red. A change in pattern like this should be something really startling. The bottom line being different caps the poem and that works well, but that second last change doesn't add anything and weakens the composition. This could just be me.

Please don't be disheartened; my criticism is meant to help you try and improve. People think just anyone can haul up and write a decent poem but the truth is poetry can be very hard work. If you are serious about learning to write, I suggest the following books that might help:

http://www.amazon.com/Palm-Your-Han...92/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1294207412&sr=8-10

http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Poems...66/ref=sr_1_22?ie=UTF8&qid=1294207467&sr=8-22

 

[twelveoone]

vr curious average # of comments in the past month on yours
mine i think is 2
knotaslut some perspective

vr gives good advice

 

[Liar]

Hi knot, here's my feedback.

If this was labelled not a poem, but an erotic vignette, I would consider it very good. It's compact, intense and written with a great urgency in the narrative that matches the emotion you're trying to convey perfectly (I diasgree with vrosej there, to this reader, it's spot on).

But I don't see a poem here. I see prose with added line breaks. Like I said, a very nice piece of erotic prose, which is not to be sneered at. Prose is hard enough (and totally valid) on it's own.

Your piece straight up describes a scene, a series of actions, and the thoughts and feelings of it's protagonist. It doesn't try to do anything else. It doesn't use other imagery, or unexpected details, or unconventional perspectives or narration to enhance that, or to communicate any particular idea other than telling what happens there and then.

I hope I'm not just confusing you with this. These are the same thing I was told when I first started to write poems. That there is a distinction between a poem and a piece of prose that looks like one. It took me quite a while to get what they meant.

 

[butters]

and at risk of repeating myself, and bearing in mind the other guys' comments here, this looks like the 'stuff you want to say' - now you need to work out 'the way you want to say it' if it is to become a poem. try to keep that core intensity, and watch out for your time-frame ... you open in past tense, slip into present for the middle section, then revert to past towards the end.

 

[vrosej10]

Hi knot, here's my feedback.

If this was labelled not a poem, but an erotic vignette, I would consider it very good. It's compact, intense and written with a great urgency in the narrative that matches the emotion you're trying to convey perfectly (I diasgree with vrosej there, to this reader, it's spot on).

But I don't see a poem here. I see prose with added line breaks. Like I said, a very nice piece of erotic prose, which is not to be sneered at. Prose is hard enough (and totally valid) on it's own.

Your piece straight up describes a scene, a series of actions, and the thoughts and feelings of it's protagonist. It doesn't try to do anything else. It doesn't use other imagery, or unexpected details, or unconventional perspectives or narration to enhance that, or to communicate any particular idea other than telling what happens there and then.

I hope I'm not just confusing you with this. These are the same thing I was told when I first started to write poems. That there is a distinction between a poem and a piece of prose that looks like one. It took me quite a while to get what they meant.

I think Liar right; it would probably make better prose and I think a fairly decent piece of flash fiction (I was tired last night and didn't see this possibility).

 

[bronzeage]

This was my fist submission of this poem to any kind of literary website. I would appreciate any feedback. TIA ~Knota~

For Him . . .
she lay curled at His feet
contented, relaxed, but watchful as He slept
senses somehow elevated, heightened
body aching from His hard touch
soul aching from her desire for more
of Him
her mind cluttered and foggy but for her need of Him
silently screaming out for His touch, a word, a glance
the growing heat and wetness the only witness of her desire
for Him
she stirs in her desire for the feel of His skin, His hands, His mouth
her back arches and her cheek brushes against His calf
His hand shoots out catching her by her hair
His hand locking into her curls, tighter
the tug and pressure as His hand pulls her close
to Him
she glances upwards, breathing deeply, His hand demands her
her back arches more, eyes smoldering
breasts bruised and happily offered, nipples hard, pointed
thighs spread, open, trembling
tongue anxiously flicking across full lips
desire screaming through her nerves like jolts of electricity
from Him
green eyes detect a faint smile
bravely she raises her heated gaze to His cool one
His eyebrow raised
"slave" He lowly growled as He pulled her head to Him
"Master" she moaned in a whisper her eyes still locked to His
as she kneeled willingly,longingly in front of Him
Belonging to Him

There is a lot of physical description in this piece. It is sort of like a naturalist observing from the bushes. I don't see any passion, though I know there is plenty. What is so magnificent about this man? Why is she "his"?

 

[CharleyH]

Hi knot, here's my feedback.

If this was labelled not a poem, but an erotic vignette, I would consider it very good. It's compact, intense and written with a great urgency in the narrative that matches the emotion you're trying to convey perfectly (I diasgree with vrosej there, to this reader, it's spot on).

But I don't see a poem here. I see prose with added line breaks. Like I said, a very nice piece of erotic prose, which is not to be sneered at. Prose is hard enough (and totally valid) on it's own.

Your piece straight up describes a scene, a series of actions, and the thoughts and feelings of it's protagonist. It doesn't try to do anything else. It doesn't use other imagery, or unexpected details, or unconventional perspectives or narration to enhance that, or to communicate any particular idea other than telling what happens there and then.

I hope I'm not just confusing you with this. These are the same thing I was told when I first started to write poems. That there is a distinction between a poem and a piece of prose that looks like one. It took me quite a while to get what they meant.

This is exactly what I thought.

However, to add something, I could tell this piece had a BDSM spin the moment I saw Him as opposed to her. I think that one of the biggest mistakes that writers (beginner ones) make when writing BDSM poetry or prose, is the instinct to give the dominant a CAPITAL H and the submissive a small h in reference to him and/or her. It's also too common to find amateur (amateur is NOT a bad thing) writers in the BDSM genre writing in 2nd person, which is not sexy unless done right and I can only think of less than a handful of authors able to write 2nd person well.

My suggestion to knotaslut is to look at and consider this poem/piece of prose, and re-write it from a different perspective. One of the most admirable qualities of any writer IMO, is their ability to see the same story from multiple points of view. Besides, it's a good exercise.

 

[teknight]

My crit is far more simple...I like the delineation of the stanzas, but, please, more punctuation? I'm running out of breath reading your poem, and not 'cause it's taken my breath away. But, it's your work, so, do as you please.

 

[butters]

My crit is far more simple...I like the delineation of the stanzas, but, please, more punctuation? I'm running out of breath reading your poem, and not 'cause it's taken my breath away. But, it's your work, so, do as you please.

allowing the line-breaks to do their thing should prevent you from oxygen-deprivation, tek-knight

 

[Liar]

allowing the line-breaks to do their thing should prevent you from oxygen-deprivation, tek-knight

Never does for me.

I actually
read this
much
faster

than a normal line like this.

I blame gravity.