Hiding Yourself

[Kajira Callista]

These days I find myself doing that more and more. No not hiding under the bed or anything (although I admit that doesn't sound too bad). What I am referring to is hiding the fact that I am submissive, even from people who understand what that means.
When someone picks up on my submissive personality...which they do often, I refuse to meet their eyes or I become abrupt and distant. I feel like it is a reaction to them knowing and I want to chase them away. I also find myself acting like a brat or a snob so they don't like who I am.
All of this is very out of character for me and has become upsetting. I am, on any normal day, a warm loving outwardly submissive woman and I feel like I am beginning to lose the ability to be myself. I feel like I have no control over what I am doing although I do know why. I just can't seem to stop myself from doing it and it is becoming an issue to me.
Has anyone else ever felt this way?
Is there any way to go back to being me, or am I evolving in some strange way that I really don't like much?

 

[Bredon]

Do have an idea what is behind that impulse? What you describe reminds me a bit of my own behaviour regarding being trans. Even though I'm generally out since many years, I often get overwhelmed by insecurity (for lack of better word).

Is that what you are trying to say?

Bredon

 

[Kajira Callista]

Do have an idea what is behind that impulse? What you describe reminds me a bit of my own behaviour regarding being trans. Even though I'm generally out since many years, I often get overwhelmed by insecurity (for lack of better word).

Is that what you are trying to say?

Bredon

I am trying to sort out why. I have no idea what is behind it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Could it be a subconscious response to not being able to lead the life you want in the way you want right now? Sort of a way of hitting back at life out of frustration.

Catalina

 

[Kajira Callista]

Could it be a subconscious response to not being able to lead the life you want in the way you want right now? Sort of a way of hitting back at life out of frustration.

Catalina

could be. i feel like pieces of me are dying because they aren't being nurtured.

lol now i sound like an insane person.

 

[neonflux]

could be. i feel like pieces of me are dying because they aren't being nurtured.

lol now i sound like an insane person.

that seems like a very sane response to me...

 

[catalina_francisco]

that seems like a very sane response to me...

Ditto....it happens to all of us if we are forced to shut down part of who we are in our souls, and unfortunately most people have to do this to some degree at some point in their life....or maybe not always that they have to but at the time it seems there is no choice. I have no magic answers for you and I know you have done all you can to make it right for you....all I can offer KC is to hang in there and allow yourself to grieve for what you are missing right now and believe in yourself you will reclaim it when it is right for you and your life.

Catalina

 

[ammre]

being of a group, it's awkard to be out. Like you have to be a representitive of that group or you're being judged not as a person but as a submissive. Suddenly you become hyper aware of your personality and sometimes over compensate one way or another.

I've expierenced that slightly in the bdsm scene but moreso in the lgbt stuff i do. Like you have to be the model sub or the model queer.

 

[Netzach]

Piggybacking on ammre's super astute comment:

you don't need to please all the people all the time.

orientations aside, often when I feel like I've said or done something horribly mean or bitchy, other people afterwards sometimes didn't notice, or didn't have the same perception at all.

as for whether you feel yourself withering and drying up for lack of expressing this part of you, that is a suckass feeling, but also not unknown to me, and all the relationships in the world are not necessarily going to get you "there."

 

[FurryFury]

could be. i feel like pieces of me are dying because they aren't being nurtured.

lol now i sound like an insane person.

No, you don't sound insane. I have felt that before too. I made the decisions at various times in my life to not be or do certain things. It was hard. It hurt and depressed me but I felt that was my best option then.

*hug*

One of the only things that helped me was knowing it wasn't a forever thing, it only felt like it sometimes.

Be kind to yourself, that's my advice. Try to find some time to let down and be your secret you. Try to remember that your life won't be exactly like it is right now forever. Cat is right, I think, in time you will be able to do the things you now are missing.

Fury

 

[Evil_Geoff]

could be. i feel like pieces of me are dying because they aren't being nurtured.

lol now i sound like an insane person.

No, you don't sound insane hon... I understand the withering effect that feeling like you are not being true to yourself can bring. At one point in my life I was seriously contemplating suicide because I could no longer live the lie that I was vanilla, but I couldn't unleash the sadist that was inside me, dying of starvation. I couldn't feed my need and it was literally killing me slowly.

In the end I decided I wanted to live, and be true to myself, and I ended my marriage rather than live a lie, to stop being a shell, living in an emotional hell.

Pick your eyes up, and look at me, and know you are not all alone, that you have friends that care for you.

{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}

Just because you deserve one.

>SWAT<

Just because I can! *weg*

 

[neonflux]

These days I find myself doing that more and more. No not hiding under the bed or anything (although I admit that doesn't sound too bad). What I am referring to is hiding the fact that I am submissive, even from people who understand what that means.
When someone picks up on my submissive personality...which they do often, I refuse to meet their eyes or I become abrupt and distant. I feel like it is a reaction to them knowing and I want to chase them away. I also find myself acting like a brat or a snob so they don't like who I am.
All of this is very out of character for me and has become upsetting. I am, on any normal day, a warm loving outwardly submissive woman and I feel like I am beginning to lose the ability to be myself. I feel like I have no control over what I am doing although I do know why. I just can't seem to stop myself from doing it and it is becoming an issue to me.
Has anyone else ever felt this way?
Is there any way to go back to being me, or am I evolving in some strange way that I really don't like much?

Kajira, I definitely understand this, particularly in light of your comment that you feel as though an important part of who you are isn't being nurtured. I suppressed much of who I was during the last years with my ex - seemed to be by far the best choice at the time. I definitely began to hiding. I stopped seeing friends and family, stopped asserting myself in the world (completely out of character), stopped tending to my appearance (have always taken great care of myself), stopped writing. It did eventually come back but I wasn't able to reclaim it for a fairly long time. As Fury said, the whole of you is still there - this won't be forever. Be gentle with yourself, please. Neon

 

[lne_iii]

I'd say I hide 95% of myself from the entire world.

Mainly because I just don't want to be hurt.

It's a bad, bad thing though.

As for how to fix it, I dunno...

But I feel for you hon.

-hugs-
LNE

 

[RJMasters]

Ditto....it happens to all of us if we are forced to shut down part of who we are in our souls, and unfortunately most people have to do this to some degree at some point in their life....or maybe not always that they have to but at the time it seems there is no choice. I have no magic answers for you and I know you have done all you can to make it right for you....all I can offer KC is to hang in there and allow yourself to grieve for what you are missing right now and believe in yourself you will reclaim it when it is right for you and your life.

Catalina

Relating to this.

 

[RJMasters]

These days I find myself doing that more and more. No not hiding under the bed or anything (although I admit that doesn't sound too bad). What I am referring to is hiding the fact that I am submissive, even from people who understand what that means.
When someone picks up on my submissive personality...which they do often, I refuse to meet their eyes or I become abrupt and distant. I feel like it is a reaction to them knowing and I want to chase them away. I also find myself acting like a brat or a snob so they don't like who I am.
All of this is very out of character for me and has become upsetting. I am, on any normal day, a warm loving outwardly submissive woman and I feel like I am beginning to lose the ability to be myself. I feel like I have no control over what I am doing although I do know why. I just can't seem to stop myself from doing it and it is becoming an issue to me.
Has anyone else ever felt this way?
Is there any way to go back to being me, or am I evolving in some strange way that I really don't like much?

I think what Cat said about strinking out in fustration comes pretty close for me as a possible answer.

When you come to your wits end so many times, after a while you begin to doubt and not believe. In short you lose hope.

Hope is an important part of our everyday lives. It sustains our spirit when things are not the best.

This is the meaning and philosphy behind the three things which remain. Faith, hope and love.

Faith - represents that which we believe and know to be true in our hearts.

Hope - allows us to hold to those things which we believe in, even when the present circumsatnaces in life seem to contridict what we know.

Love - is the greatest of the three because even when you believe in your kids and hope that they will do right and good, when they don't you still love them. Because even if faith and hope fail, the power of love is stronger and more abiding than all.

You may have been through some bad stretch of road that has caused you to doubt what you know and lost any hope it will ever get better, but in your heart of hearts KC you "love" being that submissive woman.

When circumstances change in your life, your love of being a submissve woman will be there, because where love exists faith and hope can be renewed. In the interm it is quite natural to push away, strike out or even avoid. It like a love/hate thing going on and it can be very taxing on a personal level.

~ ~

 

[Kajira Callista]

I am so glad I posted this thread. That feeling of doom, sorta like this part of me is going to be all gone soon, is gone.
It is a good thing to know that other people understand the feeling...not just understand but have felt it.
It is also good to know that for now here is a place where my submissive can be somehow nurtured, maybe not physically but in other ways. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone that took the time to let me know they get it. Today looks like it is going to be a better day.


P.S. Im cutting all my hair off today. well not all but most. I kinda feel that sometoimes a semi-drastic change for (hopefully) the better can help get passed bad times.

 

[Bredon]

Kajira,
now I get what you mean-- I had that same response when I moved away from big city gay community to a provincial town where I more or less went straight back to the closet. It feels like parts of me are dying. I feel ashamed and frightened again. I start hiding. And I feel starved too, very very starved--

I get you very much. Thank you for starting the thread it has raised my self awareness too.

Bredon

 

[NemoAlia]

The thread title (kinda like "Dom Quilt") had me confused for a moment -- I was picturing KC bent over, reaching back with her hairbrush, and giving herself a good hiding.

But sadly, it was not to be.

I don't think of it as hiding myself -- just as showing a different side.

 

[Kajira Callista]

The thread title (kinda like "Dom Quilt") had me confused for a moment -- I was picturing KC bent over, reaching back with her hairbrush, and giving herself a good hiding.

But sadly, it was not to be.

I don't think of it as hiding myself -- just as showing a different side.

I like that last sentence very much.



i was just thinking...if the thread was actually about what you thought it was about i would prolly feel a lot better....but then there wouldnt be a thread and you wouldnt have posted and...


i drank too much coffee today.

 

[sexychik69]

could be. i feel like pieces of me are dying because they aren't being nurtured.

lol now i sound like an insane person.

That sounds a whole lot like something I would say. Except what you said is more poetic. *hugs*

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I kind of go through something similar in that people don't understand so I have to pretend to be 'normal'