Hi, I'm Michelle...

[MichelleLovesTo]

and I'm new to Literotica, but not to writing. I've had a couple stories posted here this week, but my favorite is this one: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=225995

It's called Gingerbread, and is a modern take on a fairytale most of us know. It's dark and (hopefully) hot. And meant to please the incest crowd! (Not to mention the Mind Control/Witchcraft people.) The rating so far -- 4.6 or so -- makes me sad, but I still think it's a good story!

I try for stories that pack heat, but also have humor, and characters that are more flesh than cardboard cutouts. Im hoping to find a crowd that gives honest feedback -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- and who'll share the same goals. I hope people like my stories, but still want honesty above all else!

I'm a soon-to-be published author (under a pen name) as part of an anthology to be published in January '06. I still think I have a lot to learn though. A whole lot.
Michelle

 

[CopyCarver]

Gingerbread

and I'm new to Literotica, but not to writing. I've had a couple stories posted here this week, but my favorite is this one: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=225995

It's called Gingerbread, and is a modern take on a fairytale most of us know. It's dark and (hopefully) hot. And meant to please the incest crowd! (Not to mention the Mind Control/Witchcraft people.) The rating so far -- 4.6 or so -- makes me sad, but I still think it's a good story!

I try for stories that pack heat, but also have humor, and characters that are more flesh than cardboard cutouts. Im hoping to find a crowd that gives honest feedback -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- and who'll share the same goals. I hope people like my stories, but still want honesty above all else!

I'm a soon-to-be published author (under a pen name) as part of an anthology to be published in January '06. I still think I have a lot to learn though. A whole lot.
Michelle

Heat...check
Humor...check
Dark...check (Not easy to combine with heat and humor, by any means)
Originality...check (Also not easy in a parody of a well-known tale)

Hey, Michelle, you succeeded! I wouldn't feel at all bad about a 4.6. I know quite a few writers who've been posting here for years who'd trade half their blood for 4.6 average.

There isn't any ugly, in the negative sense. As for bad, another proofread for picky-diddles and for continuity would eliminate them altogether.

More, please!

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

Heat...check
Humor...check
Dark...check (Not easy to combine with heat and humor, by any means)
Originality...check (Also not easy in a parody of a well-known tale)

Hey, Michelle, you succeeded! I wouldn't feel at all bad about a 4.6. I know quite a few writers who've been posting here for years who'd trade half their blood for 4.6 average.

There isn't any ugly, in the negative sense. As for bad, another proofread for picky-diddles and for continuity would eliminate them altogether.

More, please!

Thank you. A friend of mine edits me, and usually does a fabulous job, but he's been distracted lately.

I guess complaining about 4.6 is being overly whiny. I suppose it's just because I really do like this one. Basically, if this one is a 4.6, er, I'm afraid to post anything else! Oh, not really, I'll still post, and I could not be happier with the actual comments I've received.

I'm also having a hard time deciding how to label stories. Gingerbread was mind control and incest and it worries me that choosing the wrong one will lose the best audience. I don't want the reader to think I mislabeled either. (If anyone knows of any threads which discuss this...)

The mind control crowd I'm used to is pretty tight knit, and I'm such a part of that group that I worry that not expanding my work to other places will cause me to stagnate. I think the main thing I'm looking for here is a wider audience, and honesty.

 

[CopyCarver]

Thank you. A friend of mine edits me, and usually does a fabulous job, but he's been distracted lately.

I guess complaining about 4.6 is being overly whiny. I suppose it's just because I really do like this one. Basically, if this one is a 4.6, er, I'm afraid to post anything else! Oh, not really, I'll still post, and I could not be happier with the actual comments I've received.

I'm also having a hard time deciding how to label stories. Gingerbread was mind control and incest and it worries me that choosing the wrong one will lose the best audience. I don't want the reader to think I mislabeled either. (If anyone knows of any threads which discuss this...)

The mind control crowd I'm used to is pretty tight knit, and I'm such a part of that group that I worry that not expanding my work to other places will cause me to stagnate. I think the main thing I'm looking for here is a wider audience, and honesty.

It's quite a coincidence that you should mention the classification quandry. Another Litster and I were discussing that very point earlier today. Neither of us has a clue what the yardstick is for multi-genre stories. I wonder if it's possible to post the same story in two categories, to make it easier for readers to find it?

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

It would almost be nice if you could maybe have the main classification and an optional second classification. Maybe I'll just flip a coin. I'm sure that eventually I'll figure out what's best, but I hope my stories don't get lost in the meanwhile.

 

[LovnMaster]

I JUST posted my very first story to be read by any other than very close friends. I listed it as exhibition because it was very much that. and lit put it in BDSM which it truthfully is. Which is it better under? I do not know but I have 1900 reads and a 4.7 score in the first week. That may be terrible but I am very happy!

My personal opinion is to do your best and trust the folks at lit to have your back.

 

[Flashlight7.5]

Good, almost great

You have a good story here, and the makings of a great one.

The Good: I like how you took an old story and crafted it into something new. The build-up to the sex is good. Too many stories dive right into the sex without any explanation as to why it is happening. The seduction (magical and otherwise) of the girl is set up well, as are the brother's reactions. The ending is also great. I would NOT write a sequel, no matter how much begging I received.

The Bad: Some of the dialogue, particularly some of the witch's dirty talk, seemed forced. I think it would've been better if you kept the witch's dialogue somewhat archaic and not so modern-sounding. I'm not sure there was much, if any, of a point to bringing up the girl's "goth rock star" past, especially when later in the story you point out that she is currently blond-haired and looks not unlike a lot of other girls.

The Ugly: "Suddenly, a deer jumped out." The word "suddenly" should be banned from all literature. Most adverbs are useless. Also, dropping the line about them being pure Scandinavian was heavy-handed. I knew where the story was going without that. It's like showing your cards too soon.

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

You have a good story here, and the makings of a great one.

The Good: I like how you took an old story and crafted it into something new. The build-up to the sex is good. Too many stories dive right into the sex without any explanation as to why it is happening. The seduction (magical and otherwise) of the girl is set up well, as are the brother's reactions. The ending is also great. I would NOT write a sequel, no matter how much begging I received.

The Bad: Some of the dialogue, particularly some of the witch's dirty talk, seemed forced. I think it would've been better if you kept the witch's dialogue somewhat archaic and not so modern-sounding. I'm not sure there was much, if any, of a point to bringing up the girl's "goth rock star" past, especially when later in the story you point out that she is currently blond-haired and looks not unlike a lot of other girls.

The Ugly: "Suddenly, a deer jumped out." The word "suddenly" should be banned from all literature. Most adverbs are useless. Also, dropping the line about them being pure Scandinavian was heavy-handed. I knew where the story was going without that. It's like showing your cards too soon.

Thanks, Flashlight.

The Good: Not going to argue with any of that.

The Bad: Yep, I think you may have a point of Rabea's speech patterns. The goth thing was just to imply that Greta had a rebellious streak and that there was some angst under the surface. It was also meant to support Rabea's point that Greta was a pretty good actress. She looked blonde and sweet for the sole purpose of bilking grandma out of money -- like daddy asked her too. She wasn't a bad person -- but she could play a role if need be.

The Ugly: I don't disagree on the abverb thing. I'm not dependent on them though -- and that allows me to use them once in a while with little guilt.

Pure Scandanavian was a wink at the audience, an acknowledgement of the source, a way to reveal that John's name was JoHANnes, and a nod to the ethnic makeup of Northern MN. It was set in a place with a ridiculous anount of Finns, Swedes, etc... But yeah, I suppose it was heavy-handed. I feel shame.

And I appreciate your taking the time to give me solid examples of what did -- and didn't -- work in the story.
Michelle

 

[CrossCountryLover]

Gingerbread Comments

From a person who is not only new to Literotica but new to writing.

A thought the spin off on the fairy tale theme was a great idea. Sort of Shrek like. I agree with some of the other comments that a sequel is too much. However, what about stories in the same genre? Other fairy tales such as Goldillock, Snow White (evil sisters...hmm. think of the incest there...<g>..) or Pinnochio (only have other parts of his body grow when he tells a lie).

I thought for the most part the story moved well. I did like the symbolisms and caught the nod to the Norwegians in the names used, however, the web on the ceiling wasn't quite clear. Was it simply she wanted to catch these children in her web? Suck them of their sexual spirit and dump their discarded carcess in the basement? If she was supposed to be a Black Widow type preditor I guess it wasn't quite clear.

Does Greta, who at the end, owns the ring become a Black Widow herself. Is the moral, if you're a slut (and an incestuous one at that), you will become a preditor of sexual energy? If so, it's a strong statement and can work. But like any good fairy tale, the moral of the story is usually pretty self-evident. Or is it simply that the ring has powers not to be fooled with?

These are the tough things I wrestle with when writing too. Am I being too vague or too obvious. It's tough to walk the line inbetween.

I comment on these because character and story development fascinate me too. Eroticism without some understanding of the emotions and characters involved is just a like emotionless sex. In my opinion, it leaves something to be desired... (figuratively and literally... ;-))

Would appreciate your comments on my stories too.

Hugs
-XCL

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

From a person who is not only new to Literotica but new to writing.

A thought the spin off on the fairy tale theme was a great idea. Sort of Shrek like. I agree with some of the other comments that a sequel is too much. However, what about stories in the same genre? Other fairy tales such as Goldillock, Snow White (evil sisters...hmm. think of the incest there...<g>..) or Pinnochio (only have other parts of his body grow when he tells a lie).

I thought for the most part the story moved well. I did like the symbolisms and caught the nod to the Norwegians in the names used, however, the web on the ceiling wasn't quite clear. Was it simply she wanted to catch these children in her web? Suck them of their sexual spirit and dump their discarded carcess in the basement? If she was supposed to be a Black Widow type preditor I guess it wasn't quite clear.

Does Greta, who at the end, owns the ring become a Black Widow herself. Is the moral, if you're a slut (and an incestuous one at that), you will become a preditor of sexual energy? If so, it's a strong statement and can work. But like any good fairy tale, the moral of the story is usually pretty self-evident. Or is it simply that the ring has powers not to be fooled with?

These are the tough things I wrestle with when writing too. Am I being too vague or too obvious. It's tough to walk the line inbetween.

I comment on these because character and story development fascinate me too. Eroticism without some understanding of the emotions and characters involved is just a like emotionless sex. In my opinion, it leaves something to be desired... (figuratively and literally... ;-))

Would appreciate your comments on my stories too.

Hugs
-XCL

Thanks XCL.

Rabea got her youth and powers from the sexual energy of others. The web was meant to work as a "lock" so she could keep them in the loft. Greta was simply won over by power; once she put the ring on she became corrupted.

I like the idea of doing more stories based on fairy tales -- it's right up my alley. The original suggestion was made by someone else. On another board we all came up with plot ideas and passed them out to other writers. I was given the plot of a modern day Hansel and Gretel with incest and humiliation. At the time, I was disappointed because the idea was for a challenge -- and it was very much the type of story I'd done before.

I don't think being a slut makes you bad, but there is a reason why Lust is one of the 7 Deadly Sins -- because too much of anything can be destructive.