hi.. first posting.. comments welcome

[jaytee69]

hi to all;

My name is Jon and I have loved erotica since I learned to read. I love this site and feel at home among such a loarge number of folks who share my interest and passion. I have just posted my first attempt at writing and would welcome any comments and suggestions. Since my first posting is a recollection, I had a hard time making it read properly, as I tried to be as accurate to the facts as I could. I realize that, by using my imagination I could have made the scene more interesting, but the memory is so sweet to me that I wanted to put it down just as I recall it.

the link is.. : http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=180874

I look forward to reading your comments and to perhaps getting to know some of the authors and readers here.

Jon

 

[sirhugs]

I'm sorry I don't have time for detailed comments. Perhaps someone else will add those. Superfically, I lost interest quickly because you open with some rather dull exposition, rather than grabbing my attention. 9 stories out of 10 lose me on the first paragraph, and yours is in the 9.

You are a victim of " tell, not show". Really fine writers SHOW us activity, rather than telling us.

In that vein, dialogue helps. Dialogue also varies the paragraph length and visual formatting. Visuals are important, because internet readers scan, rather than reading line by line. You have no dialogue until the bottom of page one. If you are trying to be 'true fact', I bet your chracters in real life talked at an earl;ier point.

I thought for the length of the story, you took a long time tio build up to the "meat". Did you intend this as a "stroker", or as a thematic narrative? As a stroker, its too long and slow.

Your technical skills of structure, grammar, tense etc are better than most novices. Practice practice practice.

 

[ladyphoenix]

jaytee69’s “Jon & Liz Ch. 01”

Sorry I can’t resist making a comment about the title. “Ch. 1” is sufficient; you don’t need to put a 0 in it.

Paragraph 1: I like your first line, but “love” and “passion” are rather redundant. Get rid of one or the other. “…was, (is)…” is really odd. ‘Was’ seems more appropriate here.
You say this story is a recollection, so I understand to some extent your writing it in a sort of factual framework, but you ARE telling a story, even if it’s true. Try to make the writing more interesting to the reader by varying sentence structure (some long, some short, etc.). This paragraph reads like a shopping list and is very repetitive. When you break it down, it looks like this:
She was my first love.
Her name was Elizabeth.
She was 19 and I was 26.
We met at the club where I worked.
I was a musician and she came in to dance (You as the narrator can’t tell us why she came in; this is a recall story and you, as the narrator, are not omniscient).
I noticed her at the bar.
I felt something new. (Here, too, you use the word ‘felt’ twice in this brief sentence which is rough and awkward).
Try this instead:

“Elizabeth was my first great love. Walking into the club where I played, she’d spent the evening with a girlfriend, dancing, laughing and listening to our music and I’d spent the evening watching her. Seeing her gave me a rush of electric awareness I’d never felt before and I knew right away that she was special.”

Para. 2: Please, please, PLEASE do everything possible to avoid clichés, or at the very least, twist them to make them your own. You say “She was very pretty, with dark eyes and a ‘cute as a button’ face.”. That’s fairly plain and the cliché is too overused. Instead, how about twisting the cliché to make it more your own, such as: “He’d heard the phrase ‘cute as a button’ and never understood it, seeing that buttons weren’t exactly the sort of thing that worked a man up over a woman, but if it had ever applied to anyone he’d seen, it was her.”
The line “…she seemed to exude a slight air of adult sexuality in her movements” is nice.
You told us she has “deep brown eyes” twice.
“Something that clicked when our eyes met” again, too clichéd.

Para. 3: You are making continual references to her being a contrast of sweet and yet sexy, which is okay but I think you are saying it too much. The last paragraph started with “She was very pretty…” and the second line here is “She was very pretty…”. You refer to her as the “typical cute ‘good girl next door’ type”, again you’re giving us these ‘cute’ little clichés in quotes that are overused and don’t tell us much. Later in the paragraph you use “good girl” again in quotes.
“I didn’t find out until later that hidden inside her was a vast caldron of deep passion and erotic desire”. This is alright, since you are recounting something, but I don’t like it here because he’s just met her and telling us something that hasn’t happened in the timeline of the story yet.

Para. 4: You skip a great deal of time here, taking us from first meeting to them having been a couple for “a while” and the transition is dull. So far you’re giving us the story in the past tense, which is passive and not very interesting in terms of voice. Active voice always sounds better and is more interesting to a reader, unless you can do the exposition well.
You say their ‘first time together’ was incredible, but we don’t want to hear about it, we want to SEE it. That’s what’s most interesting about stories--seeing the action, not having someone tell us secondhand.

And from this point, just general comments:

“She felt so good in my arms, so feminine, so round and full of sexuality” is a lovely bit of prose.

“…heard her gasp with an intake of breath” What else would she gasp with? ‘with an intake of breath’ is not necessary

“As I did I could feel her starting to writhe on her back and making small mews of pleasure” The verb ‘making’ here should be ‘make’.

Para. 8 starts with “I wanted to see more of her so I then….” and Para. 9 starts with “I wanted to see more of her so I reached…”

Always ‘toward’, not ‘towards’

“It covering her outer lips…” Is there a word missing here?

He reaches down to touch her cunt and she “bit” his neck? If he was close enough to her cunt to see the ‘little strings” of moisture how could she reach his neck?

myself is one word

“She responded to shifting herself under me…” should replace “to” with “by”

“…opening her legs around my waist.” How’s that?

“I felt her hand reach down between us and take my cock in her hand.” the last three words of the sentence should be left out. If he watched her hand moving toward it and she took it, we know she took it in her hand.

“I could feel the small the fluid pulsing inside.” doesn’t make sense.

“As I looked at my cock sticking out between us, I could see that slight curve again”. You already told us that. The explanation of why it’s unusual is okay, but this is overkill.

“She reached down and took my shaft in her small soft hand.” Didn’t she already do that?

“….took my mouth in hers…” ??

The introduction of dialogue is welcome, but it should be broken up. Each time a different person speaks, it should be indented like this:

“Do you like to see it, baby?” I asked. “Do you like to see my cock fucking you? Do you like to watch it?”
Her smile widened and she flushed a deeper shade. “Mmm, yeah, I do,” she replied…
…”I do too, honey…”

“The little girl next door was gone, replaced by a…”

“She was staring up at me, her eyes narrowed…”


Overall, there were some things I really liked about your writing. You’re very detailed, which I enjoy, but you need some practice to know when is enough and how much is too much. The piece got better; tighter, as it went along. The sex was very absorbing, but again you need to work with a good editor before posting. You have a great ability and need a little fine tuning.

I gave you a 4.

Best,
ladyp

 

[MaxSebastian]

Well, firstly, some encouragement. You are a very good erotic writer - or at least, you have the makings of a very good erotic writer. You can do sex scenes very well - it's interesting, it's full of decent description, it moves along nicely, it is very erotic - actually I'd put this sex scene right up there with some of the top writers here on Literotica, and I've read a few.

But you shoot yourself in the foot in certain areas - notably, as Sirhugs mentioned earlier, in how you get us to the sex scene.

Sex scenes are vital in erotic stories, sure, but the stuff surrounding the sex scenes is also vital. A lot of people will have been barred from even reaching your sex scene here because you've not led up well to the spice. I struggled to get there, but once I got there, there was no trouble at all.

I know you're only recounting a true story and therefore you don't want to dress up the facts with any fiction, but you don't have to change any of the reality, just change how you put it across in words.

Use more dialogue, and structure the story so that something is always happening. Pick an important point in the story that sets up the whole sexual relationship: the first sexual encouter, perhaps. Then start with the build up to that - so we know it's coming - go through the flirting (with dialogue) and seduction - that's what will keep the reader wanting to go on.

As you go along, perhaps you can have the odd reflection back to how the two characters met up in the first place, but the extended chronological Charles Dickens method of building up a story is not pacy enough for a short, erotic story.

Don't gloss over dialogue with weak phrases like: "As we talked I was attracted to her immediately". Show us how the two characters talk to each other - the easiest way to make characters three-dimensional in fiction is have them talk to other characters. It's so easy, it's like a cheating method of characterisation.

Break up your paragraphs, too. Even in the great love scene, your paragraphs are just too long, particularly for internet publication. You want to do you utmost to make the reader's eye flow through your words.

And the little dialogue you did have, later on in the tale, you hid within a great bulky paragraph. When a person starts talking, start a new paragraph. When a new person talks, start another new paragraph and so on.

Next, your ending. This is chapter one - you said so in the title. You ended the piece as though it was the end of the whole work, though, saying you hope Liz will read this. This kills off a lot of interest in the continuing escapades in my opinion.

Come to think of it, by starting off saying that you've been with Liz for twenty odd years, you're at risk of killing off any suspense. We know what's going to happen. Please. A substantial portion of interest in an erotic storyline is in the setting up of the encounter, and in whether it will work out between the two characters. Keep us guessing. Hell, we will probably guess what happens unless you're planning a twist, but at least don't ruin all suspense from the get go.

Back to the ending. Finally, it's a bad idea to put in the last line that you hope everyone enjoys your "first attempt at erotica". You're putting yourself down and making a tacky end to a decent piece of writing. That line will stay on that story now. Even if you're a prolific writer, that one will stick with you and kill the sense of quality

Keep information like that to your postings on the boards.

But in conclusion, I believe that you have a great future ahead of you here at Lit. Great sex scenes - just work a little more at the frame of your stories - and don't flinch from looking around the internet (and Literotica) for tips on how to do that.

All the best,

Max.

 

[Laurab]

Not sure I belong in this league

Ok I read your story and my first impulse was that you poured as much of yourself as you could into this attempt at writing I am not experienced at writing and after reading some of the comments on your story I am not sure I could handle all the constructive criticsim (sp).As you can see I have trouble even formatting even a paragraph.But I am glad you asked for my input.I am left beleiving that Elizabeth is a very lucky woman indeed.Glad you decided to share.Thank you for your interest.

 

[jaytee69]

thanks laura

thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I am just a novice at writing, but have been a fan of erotica since I was very young. I have to admit it is a bit intimidating to post something you I have written for review and comment by experienced, and in some cases, professionals, but I try to have a thick skin and benefit from their input.


Laura I have to tell you though, the real reason I try to write is so that I can share my thoughts and feelings with people that share our mutual interest and desire. I understand that people react differently to erotica and hope that you and I may be able to establish some sort of connection based on our deeper, perhaps more secret feelings.

If I may ask, and I hope I am not being too personal: could you tell me what, if anything was particularly erotic about my story? I mean, was there a visual image I described or something in the dialoge or action that was especially stimulating to you? I know that is a very intimate question and forgive me if I have over reached, but that is something I am very interested in.

Anyway. thanks again for your reply and do so hope to hear from you again.

Fondly;

Jon

 

[Laurab]

your story

Jon, I think what comes across somehow is that you are sensitive to others feelings and you describe this girl so sensually.It is evident that she has won a spot in your heart that just can't be replaced.I beleive going deeper is always erotic for me and you describe your relationship as just that(The next level) and I suppose sounding somewhat monogamous about it.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Hi Jon,
There isn't much left to say as far as advice on your first story that hasn't already been given. It was a very nice first. I think there should have been more dialogue so you could have shown not told us what was happening and there were some repition of words that distracted me (but that's just me).

Congrats on your first story and keep writing, it will get better the more you write.

Wicked