Furry Darkpaw
Virgin
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2002
- Posts
- 4
I have been told by my furry freiends that my stories need more sex in them to actually be considered erotic.......I tend to agree with them. Any comments? Thanks.....Furrything. 
Hey out there?
- Thread starter Furry Darkpaw
- Start date
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
LINKS
You need a link to your story if you want any feedback. Here they are:
The Phaedrah Chronicles: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=45897
The Phaedrah Chronicles Ch. 2: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=48177
-DP.
You need a link to your story if you want any feedback. Here they are:
The Phaedrah Chronicles: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=45897
The Phaedrah Chronicles Ch. 2: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=48177
-DP.
ladyphoenix
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2001
- Posts
- 212
Not enough furry sex????
Hi Furry.
Well, the first thing I noticed was some sentence fragments in your opening. ("The rosy-purple hues of the sky just beginning to give over to the deeper indigoes and blues of night" ..... "The reds, yellows and golds of the leaves winking merrily in the flickering firelight")
Paragraph 2, a problem with verb tenses. (First it's present tense as in "The larger of the two figures FACES the fire, briefly", then past tense "Her dark hair WAS wispy")
This happens again later (First, present tense "...she...POKES me playfully..." then past tense "...and that damned tail BEGAN to wag again.")
What do you want the reader to understand when you put in "(Hiatus)"?
You need some work on your punctuation...minor stuff really, but take this paragraph: "I know, I know, ..."WAIT A MINUTE!" you say...Is the same thing that I said when I woke up three days ago from a deep slumber on the soft floor of a forest that I have no recollection of ever seeing before. In a body that is not coherent to the laws of nature..."
For smoother pace, I would have written it as:
I know, I know. You're probably saying, "WAIT A MINUTE!" It's the same thing I said when I woke up three days ago from a deep slumber on the soft floor of a forest that I have no recollection of ever having seen before. And to top that shock off, I woke in a body that makes no coherent sense to me, given the laws of nature."
In the next paragraph, "I work with a small software firm that provides op systems for online Role-Playing and gaming. The most popular of which was my own baby, a program that supported real-time html interaction between "Furry" enthusiasts across the USA." This part: "The most popular of which was my own baby, a program that supported real-time html interaction between "Furry" enthusiasts across the USA." is a descriptive phrase, meant to describe "Role-Playing and gaming" from the previous sentence. So, it should be written as:
"I work with.....Role-playing and gaming, the most popular of which was my own baby, a program that supported real-time html interaction(s?) between "Furry enthusiasts across the USA.
Most people don't know what POV means...the first time you use it, spell it out.
I'm probably the last person who will say anything about someone using elipses, but here you use them a bit oddly.
"I remember being in another world, entirely!" I say...my ears folding back in annoyance." Should be, "I remember being in another world entirely!" I say, my ears folding back in annoyance."
"I am a man, a male...not this, this...puppy-freak!" should be "I am a man! A male! Not this...this puppy-freak!"
You don't need an elipses after "weirds me out". Maybe an exclamation point, but at the very least, just a period.
After "mostly spaniel" you should have a comma, not an elipses (after this, I am going to be VERY careful about using them myself...lol)
Okay, from here I'm just reading cause I'm really getting into this, and I'll only mention things if they're major..... (reading.....)
Done now...gave it a 5, Furry, and will be off to read the second installment as soon as I'm done here. You have managed to create a COMPLETELY creative story, one which is based on no previous theme that I'm aware of, so that alone deserved the five. But not only did you do that, you also managed to make this new world believable to a great extent...you gave it its own particular face, so to speak (when she mentions "Goddess help me, I hope not" or something like that...it helped to further cement the fact that he was in some other realm with its own religious/social/sexual norms different from our own). A wonderfully creative story. His whole inward (and indeed, outward) struggle with his new form was delightful!!
I would recommend editing before submission; you need a lot of work with punctuation that I think will help your stories flow more smoothly. But PLEASE keep them coming.
As for eroticism, it was PERFECT! Your characters and their predicament was equally if not more enjoyable than the sex, which was great in itself. If you want to add more, fine, but you don't NEED more.
Hi Furry.
Well, the first thing I noticed was some sentence fragments in your opening. ("The rosy-purple hues of the sky just beginning to give over to the deeper indigoes and blues of night" ..... "The reds, yellows and golds of the leaves winking merrily in the flickering firelight")
Paragraph 2, a problem with verb tenses. (First it's present tense as in "The larger of the two figures FACES the fire, briefly", then past tense "Her dark hair WAS wispy")
This happens again later (First, present tense "...she...POKES me playfully..." then past tense "...and that damned tail BEGAN to wag again.")
What do you want the reader to understand when you put in "(Hiatus)"?
You need some work on your punctuation...minor stuff really, but take this paragraph: "I know, I know, ..."WAIT A MINUTE!" you say...Is the same thing that I said when I woke up three days ago from a deep slumber on the soft floor of a forest that I have no recollection of ever seeing before. In a body that is not coherent to the laws of nature..."
For smoother pace, I would have written it as:
I know, I know. You're probably saying, "WAIT A MINUTE!" It's the same thing I said when I woke up three days ago from a deep slumber on the soft floor of a forest that I have no recollection of ever having seen before. And to top that shock off, I woke in a body that makes no coherent sense to me, given the laws of nature."
In the next paragraph, "I work with a small software firm that provides op systems for online Role-Playing and gaming. The most popular of which was my own baby, a program that supported real-time html interaction between "Furry" enthusiasts across the USA." This part: "The most popular of which was my own baby, a program that supported real-time html interaction between "Furry" enthusiasts across the USA." is a descriptive phrase, meant to describe "Role-Playing and gaming" from the previous sentence. So, it should be written as:
"I work with.....Role-playing and gaming, the most popular of which was my own baby, a program that supported real-time html interaction(s?) between "Furry enthusiasts across the USA.
Most people don't know what POV means...the first time you use it, spell it out.
I'm probably the last person who will say anything about someone using elipses, but here you use them a bit oddly.
"I remember being in another world, entirely!" I say...my ears folding back in annoyance." Should be, "I remember being in another world entirely!" I say, my ears folding back in annoyance."
"I am a man, a male...not this, this...puppy-freak!" should be "I am a man! A male! Not this...this puppy-freak!"
You don't need an elipses after "weirds me out". Maybe an exclamation point, but at the very least, just a period.
After "mostly spaniel" you should have a comma, not an elipses (after this, I am going to be VERY careful about using them myself...lol)
Okay, from here I'm just reading cause I'm really getting into this, and I'll only mention things if they're major..... (reading.....)
Done now...gave it a 5, Furry, and will be off to read the second installment as soon as I'm done here. You have managed to create a COMPLETELY creative story, one which is based on no previous theme that I'm aware of, so that alone deserved the five. But not only did you do that, you also managed to make this new world believable to a great extent...you gave it its own particular face, so to speak (when she mentions "Goddess help me, I hope not" or something like that...it helped to further cement the fact that he was in some other realm with its own religious/social/sexual norms different from our own). A wonderfully creative story. His whole inward (and indeed, outward) struggle with his new form was delightful!!
I would recommend editing before submission; you need a lot of work with punctuation that I think will help your stories flow more smoothly. But PLEASE keep them coming.
As for eroticism, it was PERFECT! Your characters and their predicament was equally if not more enjoyable than the sex, which was great in itself. If you want to add more, fine, but you don't NEED more.
NoJo
Happily Marred
- Joined
- May 19, 2002
- Posts
- 15,398
Furry
Furry, I agree with LadyPhoenix.
Originality and weirdness are rare assets, and they make people remember your stories -- even if they don't like them (I really, really DID like your stories!) . You have originality.
I almost felt that the story was true, because you as the writer have such a strong ability to identify with the main character. S/he sort of reminded me of tellytubbies, PikaChu, and the artificial life game, "Creatures."
I also like the quirky grammar -- True, it DOES need tidying up, but doing that would be a shame in some ways -- you'd lose a bit of the strangeness you managed to get across.
Great stuff!!
Furry, I agree with LadyPhoenix.
Originality and weirdness are rare assets, and they make people remember your stories -- even if they don't like them (I really, really DID like your stories!) . You have originality.
I almost felt that the story was true, because you as the writer have such a strong ability to identify with the main character. S/he sort of reminded me of tellytubbies, PikaChu, and the artificial life game, "Creatures."
I also like the quirky grammar -- True, it DOES need tidying up, but doing that would be a shame in some ways -- you'd lose a bit of the strangeness you managed to get across.
Great stuff!!
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
the first one
I just finished reading the first story and I loved it. Good work Furry.
Yes, I did feel that the sex should have been more than what was offered. More description of the act perhaps. It was just one paragraph. Considering the fact that this is a site devoted to stories about sex, people tend to expect more.
I was confused a little when you went "(Hiatus)" and the paragraph after that was also very confusing. it took me some time to understand what was going on. Could it be woven into the story without making it sound like it was forced in?
Ok, now going for the second chapter...
-DP.
I just finished reading the first story and I loved it. Good work Furry.
Yes, I did feel that the sex should have been more than what was offered. More description of the act perhaps. It was just one paragraph. Considering the fact that this is a site devoted to stories about sex, people tend to expect more.
I was confused a little when you went "(Hiatus)" and the paragraph after that was also very confusing. it took me some time to understand what was going on. Could it be woven into the story without making it sound like it was forced in?
Ok, now going for the second chapter...
-DP.
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
the second one...
... was even better than the first one. Please don't make us wait long for the next part.
I liked the sex in this one. Comic, sweet, innocent. I'm beginning to like Phaedrah.
-DP.
... was even better than the first one. Please don't make us wait long for the next part.
I liked the sex in this one. Comic, sweet, innocent. I'm beginning to like Phaedrah.
-DP.
G
Guest
Guest
feedback
Positive:
A-I usually hate non-human stories, but I truthfully enjoyed Ch1+2.
B-Breasts grasping forepaws.
C-Lovable characters.
D-Originality.
E-Weird atmosphere.
Negative:
Can't think of any other than it's non-human.
P.S. My vote:4.8 (as Ch1 currently is)+5 for Ch2
Positive:
A-I usually hate non-human stories, but I truthfully enjoyed Ch1+2.
B-Breasts grasping forepaws.
C-Lovable characters.
D-Originality.
E-Weird atmosphere.
Negative:
Can't think of any other than it's non-human.
P.S. My vote:4.8 (as Ch1 currently is)+5 for Ch2
Last edited by a moderator:
