Hey men of Literotica. Puzzled?

[Liar]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/...n-puzzled-by-porn-that-you-read-2012061931006

Men puzzled by porn that you read

MALES are deeply confused by a new sort of pornography that is both for women and made of words.

E L James’s novel 50 Shades of Grey, which has smashed paperback sales records, is simultaneously more extreme than men’s own sexual fantasies and requires the user to hold it with both hands.

Network engineer Tom Booker said: “I heard the wife going on to her sister about 50 Shades, but thought it couldn’t possibly be pornography because there weren’t any pictures.

“However I’ve just found her logged onto an internet chatroom as spank_me_kindly, asking for a master who will take her to the Red Room of Pain, so something’s clearly up.”

The book, which chronicles the romance between businessman Christian Grey and college graduate Anastasia Steele, has further confused men by having a respectable cover.

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “It doesn’t have the word ‘Slutz’ on it in neon lettering or any females covered in soap suds. That’s a level of subtlety I find intimidating.”

However copywriter Julian Cook said: “I’m a sophisticated man. I’ve known books can be sexy ever since I frotted myself raw to chapter five of James Herbert’s The Rats aged 13.

“But apparently my life partner, who was furious when I bought her crotchless panties for Valentine’s Day, now thinks it’s really hot to read about virgins signing contracts to be sex slaves.

“I’ve suggested we do some of that submissive-dominant stuff but she’s told me to piss off. I’ll never understand women.”

Francesca Johnson, Mr Cook’s girlfriend, explained: “Sexual subjugation is hugely arousing when practised with a devastatingly handsome multi-millionaire who buys you iPads and Audis, less so with someone who picks his toenails during CSI: Miami.”

 

[killallhippies]

nope.

 

[Sean Renaud]

^^^^ Being rich is fucking awesome. Tell me something I don't know.

 

[semen4her]

Why would one even try to understand women in the first place?

 

[naughtycakes]

Ha! Hilarious article.

I don't like hardcovers either, nor do I bother with romance novels, even if they include S&M.

I'll take my smut straight up, thank you very much.

 

[islandman]

Herbert's The Rats series was fantastic!

Domain is my favourite.

 

[islandman]

Why would one even try to understand women in the first place?

Not you.

You just need to understand instructions for a bicycle pump.

 

[semen4her]

Not you.

You just need to understand instructions for a bicycle pump.

...says the single metrosexual.

Try again, Casey.

 

[islandman]

...says the single metrosexual.

Try again, Casey.

I'm confused.

Are you using metrosexual as a put-down?

 

[semen4her]

I'm confused.

Are you using metrosexual as a put-down?

Yes you are.

Yes I am.

 

[bra_man69]

^^^^ Being rich is fucking awesome. Tell me something I don't know.

Having hundred one's doesn't count as being rich.

 

[bronzeage]

Francesca Johnson, Mr Cook’s girlfriend, explained: “Sexual subjugation is hugely arousing when practised with a devastatingly handsome multi-millionaire who buys you iPads and Audis, less so with someone who picks his toenails during CSI: Miami.”

This is a critical element in erotica intended to appeal to women.

Romeo and Juliet was written for the men in the audience. It's all about sword fights and climbing in a girl's window.

Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty were written for women.

 

[islandman]

Yes you are.

Yes I am.

I can see how cooking, dressing and fucking well would scare you.

......boo!

 

[semen4her]

I can see how cooking, dressing and fucking well would scare you.

......boo!

I'm sure your boyfriend adores it.

I am, as well as other things, a certfied red seal chef ...in a previous life.

I'm a man, I dress in what my wife buys me.

Takes more than skinny jeans to scare me, Janey.

 

[Johnny_Ray_Wilson]

Why would one even try to understand women in the first place?

Well, we just have to roll with defeat when it comes to that. Just do not openly admit we are clueless. In this way, we win.

I wonder if 'Fifty Shades' would be so phenomenally popular and successful, among women, if a man had written it?

 

[islandman]

I'm sure your boyfriend adores it.

I am, as well as other things, a certfied red seal chef ...in a previous life.

I'm a man, I dress in what my wife buys me.

Takes more than skinny jeans to scare me, Janey.

Evidently any woman who doesn't fit your ideal scares you.

Now go start a thread about it.

 

[bronzeage]

You guys are funny.

 

[Beco]

I'm sure your boyfriend adores it.

I am, as well as other things, a certfied red seal chef ...in a previous life.

I'm a man, I dress in what my wife buys me.

Takes more than skinny jeans to scare me, Janey.

are you calling Islandman is a bottom?

 

[islandman]

are you calling Islandman is a bottom?

Is talking like Jar Jar Binks your new thing?

Don't you think that's going to make you seem even more stupid than usual?

 

[Beco]

Is talking like Jar Jar Binks your new thing?

Don't you think that's going to make you seem even more stupid than usual?

awww come on dood...and who is Jar Jar Binks?

 

[islandman]

awww come on dood...and who is Jar Jar Binks?

Ask Faneros.

 

[Beco]

Ask Faneros.

ya metrosexual you

 

[islandman]

ya metrosexual you

ya alt-maker you

 

[Beco]

ya alt-maker you

OMG! wow....

 

[semen4her]

Evidently any woman who doesn't fit your ideal scares you.

Now go start a thread about it.

That's great, so if I dislike someone they scare me?

No wait, it means I like them doesn't it?

On a serious note, how the fuck would it scare me exactly?

Keep up the good fight, gallahad.