Hey, I'm new here

[SpikeLonginus]

Apparently I already had an account here but to all intents and purposes I am new to this board.

I've been lurking on this site for years now, occasionally downloading audio stories for pleasure.

I'd really like to get started on this forum, post some stories, make some friends, that kind of stuff.

Oh, I'll just come out swinging with this tidbit before I sign off: I'm a virgin.

Despite my plethora of erotic writings, I have never actually seen let alone touched a female intimately. I'm not sure whether that influences how I write, but there you have it.

Hope to stick around for a long time. Don't hesitate to ask me anything you want to know. Of course, whether you'll get a response is a different matter but feel free to ask me!

 

[_Lynn_]

Welcome to the AH.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Hullo darling!

How refreshingly frank. You certainly will learn a lot here. ROFL. By the end you'll be the most knowledgeable virgin any woman has ever been lucky enough to snaz.

Just to say - if anyone posts anything weird in your thread, it's probably because they're weird. Most intelligent trolls ever. Don't feed them by responding - it only gets them rubbing their hands and getting into it. If a fight starts, sit back with the rest of us to watch, and pass the popcorn to the left.

 

[SpikeLonginus]

Hi both of you. Thanks for the welcome!

Haha, between all the porn I've seen and my fantasies, maybe I am quite smart in the sack. Who knows?

As for trolls, I know what to look out for most of the time. But thanks for the warning nonetheless

 

[lovecraft68]

Hi both of you. Thanks for the welcome!

Haha, between all the porn I've seen and my fantasies, maybe I am quite smart in the sack. Who knows?

As for trolls, I know what to look out for most of the time. But thanks for the warning nonetheless

Welcome Spike!

Not sure on your theory about porn preparing you for the real thing.

Trust me the first time you just try to shove it in their ass while the friends you invited to join you tries to get involved you may get a rude awakening!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Oh! Man!

Sex is like the ocean, even with the same woman for years, its different every time. Twice I've fucked drunk as a lord. One of those times was to show the old lady that a real dick is immune to liquor, and it was (thank you, Jesus).

 

[NaokoSmith]

Mmmm! See, you're already learning loads!

So am I .

BTW, I have a story about a young man who doesn't know very much , I wanted to write a story that says that can be sexy, cuz I think it is. The story's very romantic and full of run-ons, just feel free to check it out if you want some reassurance that ladies are not all looking for studs in the sack.

The Low Lovers of Dame Anastelle Yrai

Friendly warning, don't try to PM me afterwards unless all you want is a tissue because some troll got under your skin! It takes a considerable amount of bling and vintage champagne to get the lazy MILF in the sack these days . Always happy to have a flirt in the threads, though.

 

[SpikeLonginus]

Haha, Lovecraft and James, you had me laughing for a while there. And thanks!

Also, Naoko, are you auditioning for a story of a young man who gets lucky with a MILF?

 

[NaokoSmith]

Haha, Lovecraft and James, you had me laughing for a while there. And thanks!

Also, Naoko, are you auditioning for a story of a young man who gets lucky with a MILF?

Babycakes, I already have a Facebook cub, never mind my actual Fella and several Cub Scouts who come round each week for supper and volcano building projects. Unfortunately I already wrote the MILF chapter for my werewolf stories, otherwise I would of course be looking to interview you - what with that fetching headgear photo of yours. However you may if you wish join the crowd of butchers and Deli guys and librarians who give me free chicken thighs and larger slices of cake than they ought to, let me off my overdue book fines, etc. I will keep a close eye on you and you can come to me if you ever need a tissue or a sticking plaster after going trippity-trop over some troll's bridge.

 

[SpikeLonginus]

Well, I do work at a wholesaler so I can get you some free stuff. More than the others can

As for trippity-tropping over a bridge, I'm not a little goat. I'm more like Hans from the movie Trolljegeren from Norway. This is him: http://filmdump.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/troll-hunter-2.jpg That's right, Hans is wearing armor while fighting a troll

Anyway, thanks for making me feel welcome, at any rate!

 

[NaokoSmith]

Well, I do work at a wholesaler so I can get you some free stuff. More than the others can

As for trippity-tropping over a bridge, I'm not a little goat. I'm more like Hans from the movie Trolljegeren from Norway. This is him: http://filmdump.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/troll-hunter-2.jpg That's right, Hans is wearing armor while fighting a troll

Anyway, thanks for making me feel welcome, at any rate!

Mmm, I like a knight in shining armour.

OK, it's a deal. I have a lovely older ironmonger person, to whom I mostly go for stuff, but he doesn't always have the particular brand of bin bag that I favour so I will come to you when I run out.



PS But you must not be mean and fight with the trolls. They're most of them my friends and I make them breakfast if we have a SPAM thread.

 

[lovecraft68]

Babycakes, I already have a Facebook cub, never mind my actual Fella and several Cub Scouts who come round each week for supper and volcano building projects. Unfortunately I already wrote the MILF chapter for my werewolf stories, otherwise I would of course be looking to interview you - what with that fetching headgear photo of yours. However you may if you wish join the crowd of butchers and Deli guys and librarians who give me free chicken thighs and larger slices of cake than they ought to, let me off my overdue book fines, etc. I will keep a close eye on you and you can come to me if you ever need a tissue or a sticking plaster after going trippity-trop over some troll's bridge.

What you need is to ditch the cubs and find yourself a bad boy who could put you in your place.

I'll let you know if I hear of any.

 

[lovecraft68]

Haha, Lovecraft and James, you had me laughing for a while there. And thanks!

Also, Naoko, are you auditioning for a story of a young man who gets lucky with a MILF?

Hey when you get your first story posted there is a feedback forum where you can post the link and get some opinions on your work,

 

[NaokoSmith]

What you need is to ditch the cubs and find yourself a bad boy who could put you in your place.

I'll let you know if I hear of any.

LOL, you must do that.

(I only keep the Facebook cub while I figure out why he isn't settling down with some nice girl who wears knee high boots, probably called Emma. It's for his own good . The Fella is another matter .)

 

[NoJo]

Hi, Spike. Being a virgin is cool, but not being a virgin is also cool.

There are pictures on the internet somewhere showing what a naked woman looks like, so not to worry.

I think it's quaint that you use the noun "female", which to me indicates a slight sense of awe mixed perhaps with a little trepidation.

Familiarity, while it may not actually breed contempt, can dull the senses, so I think that as someone not over-familiar with "females", your sensitivity is not dulled, so you're in a good position to write keenly and originally.

Avoid cliches!

Good luck and welcome!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I use 'female' all the time and dont find any of them awe-inspiring though a few are national treasures. Your typical female is a pleasant and interesting waste of time of day. Men are almost never interesting, theyre simply stable and a respite from relationship calculus.

 

[SpikeLonginus]

James, stop making me laugh. I just imagined Nicholas Cage going after a gorgeous woman in a bulletproof display hidden somewhere in the vaults of the Capitol Building! This is getting too much for me. :S

NoJo, I'm not sure whether I used female on purpose. I just write what comes naturally most of the time, rarely do I think about what I'm writing beyond whether it's correct or not.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

James, stop making me laugh. I just imagined Nicholas Cage going after a gorgeous woman in a bulletproof display hidden somewhere in the vaults of the Capitol Building! This is getting too much for me. :S

NoJo, I'm not sure whether I used female on purpose. I just write what comes naturally most of the time, rarely do I think about what I'm writing beyond whether it's correct or not.

I have 5 sisters and 3 daughters plus the usual yeam of female relatives, and while I know squat about females, they rarely surprise me.

What works best with females is what I call the Prince Escalus Attitude. Females are natural born brawlers and aggitators and general malcontents, and only fear a prince on a white stallion who's ready and able to kick their sweet asses into next week if they dont cease and desist the bullshit like right now. A man becomes a prince because his momma and grandma and maybe great-grandma crown him such. The Prince is momma's club against her daughters.

 

[SpikeLonginus]

Wow, lots of female relatives, James. I have no siblings so I have no idea what having one is like, let alone 5.

Did you teach your daughters that they are little princesses or did you demonstrate that you are ready and able to kick their sweet asses into next week?

Edit: Question. Can I safely link to my tumblr account where pretty much all of my current work is stashed?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Wow, lots of female relatives, James. I have no siblings so I have no idea what having one is like, let alone 5.

Did you teach your daughters that they are little princesses or did you demonstrate that you are ready and able to kick their sweet asses into next week?

I'm an ass-kicking kinda guy cuz ass-kicking works. Like, I got a sister 3 years younger than me (theyre all younger than me), shes the oldest of them, and the ringleader. When I was 12 or so she usta scratch the crap outta me with her nails, and since you cant REALLY kick their ass, you do the next best thing, you sit on them and clip their fingernails. It was frightening! Like THE EXORCIST. But she never clawed me again.

And when one of my daughters gave me trouble with the drinking and drugging and whoring and failing school, I had her tossed into jail for a long time. It had to get to the point where her mama was ready for it, but when mama was ready I fell on my girl like a house. I put her so far back in the swamps there was no where to go but home. It was a wilderness survival camp run by Juvenile Justice. And when she came home after many months of eating bear shit stew, she got her act together. That was 20 years ago. She's the worlds best mom now.

 

[SpikeLonginus]

Does anybody know whether I can post stories I previously posted on tumblr here? Or whether I can link to them? Thanks!

 

[oggbashan]

Does anybody know whether I can post stories I previously posted on tumblr here? Or whether I can link to them? Thanks!

You can have posted your stories elsewhere before putting them on Literotica. You shouldn't post stories here that are for sale elsewhere. Apart from reducing your own sales, the only advertising is to mention them - see sticky thread at top of Authors' Hangout.

Linking to stories off-site is discouraged.

 

[sr71plt]

You shouldn't post stories here that are for sale elsewhere. Apart from reducing your own sales,

Oh, I don't agree with that. I've been doing that for years without any apparent connection to sales on the ones I do that with at all. It was a surprise to see that it was so, but it is.

 

[TE999]

Welcome to the Pistachio Ranch, Spike.

Log 100 posts and you can have your own avatar.

Posting to threads such as 'Last', 'Listening', 'Word Chains', 'Post Office' and the like are quick ways to run up your post count and socialize with the other folks here.

Have fun.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Oh, I don't agree with that. I've been doing that for years without any apparent connection to sales on the ones I do that with at all. It was a surprise to see that it was so, but it is.

You can't put your stories up for free on Amazon unless you will agree to only publish on Amazon, ever, and give them your firstborn child. They promise the readers they will make them free if they are free elsewhere but are curiously slow about doing so in case they lose a cent or two sales. Stories free elsewhere will still sell there, as Kindle readers are lazy about looking around outside the Kindle store.

This is my online publishing advice blogpost.

Put a link to your stories in your signature when they've gone online, we are all very lazy about going out of the thread to look for them.

BTW, I need some washing up sponges, is it OK if I just flutter my eyelashes here for them or do I actually have to come by your store?