Hey everyone!

[coreman2200]

How's it going - I'm a newb here - well I used to read pieces from here since I was a bit younger, but this is the first I've actually joined literotica. I've written two different things just for the site, and although I don't think that they're up yet, I hope to get feedback, either good or bad on them from you guys. Thanx for the time n all, and I hope that you guys like the submissions!

 

[starrkers]

Come back and post the link when they're up, that way us lazy swine will read them

 

[likemags]

hey first let time for the link to load... and then paste your link here... how many days had it been since you submitted???

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Come back and post the link when they're up, that way us lazy swine will read them

Oink, oink....

 

[coreman2200]

No update yet?

Hey everyone, I'm still waiting for my two stories to post. Neither of them were in .doc format, so I figured it'd be on sooner than later -- alas that is not the case lol. So how long does this take, normally? I'm really excited about getting my pieces out there for others to see. I'd like a more varied opinion of my writing style..

 

[cloudy]

Normally it takes about 7-10 days for a story to post, but now that you've asked the question, the rules have changed.

In order for your story to ever see the light of day, you now have to submit documentation, in triplicate, and in blue pen only, of your age, your citizenship, etc. Such documentation must be filled out while playing the Hallelujah Chorus on a kazoo, and accompanied by video of your performace to prove satisfaction of the requirements. Your first born child must accompany the said documentation, of course, as payment for the privilege of seeing your story on Lit.

Here's hoping you're not off-key.

*sigh*

newbies.

 

[coreman2200]

lol damn well thanx. I'll just be more patient -- like u said, Im a newbie - no way in hell (documentation, first born or other otherwise) that I'd have known its typically 7-10 days when it says max of 72 hours..

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

lol damn well thanx. I'll just be more patient -- like u said, Im a newbie - no way in hell (documentation, first born or other otherwise) that I'd have known its typically 7-10 days when it says max of 72 hours..

That was before you asked THE QUESTION. Now you have to suffer the consequenses. Sorry

 

[coreman2200]

lol..

NnoooooOoOoOoooooOOOooooo.. lol

 

[coreman2200]

Finally!!!

They got my two stories up!! So I can show them to you, now. I Really hope you enjoy them, but whether you do or do Not, leave me some feedback. I'm hard-headed and can be unnecessarily proud - so it's good to see what other people are saying. Here are the links.

A Dreamer -- a good bit older than my most current - about 2 years old, now.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=315627

Another Day at the Office -- latest and more serious attempt;
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=315628

 

[coreman2200]

A few people have actually read n rated it! I'm glad that you have liked it some, so far! Thanx, and remember to leave commentary/opinions!

 

[_Lynn_]

I read "Another Day at the Office"

First the entire piece is full of grammar and punctuation errors. You would need an editor to fix all the problems in that area.
A few things I noted were:
~~Paragraphs are too long. This makes it difficult to read.
~~Too many sentences begin with "And" as well as "I"
~~Your dialogue and thoughts are the same. They need to be written so we can tell the difference at a glance.
~~You use too many "ly" words.

It felt like a boy and his fantasy. I didn't find a plot. The characters didn't have any depth to them.
Maybe I'm missing something here.
My opinion only. ML

 

[starrkers]

I read "A Dreamer", haven't gotten to the other one yet.

There's only five paragraphs in the whole story. They are way too long and each could easily be broken into three or four.
Also you change in mid par from talking about "her" to talking about "you". Make up your mind second or third person, not both at the same time.

Nice idea in the story though.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I read both of your stories, and my comments apply equally to both.

I really don't know where to start. As ML said, you have no real plot. The story is much too short to be anything more than a short vignette.

As Starrkers and ML both said, you need to learn how to write a paragraph. There are some excellent resources at Lit to help you get started.

There was nothing wrong with either of your ideas, you just need to learn how to bring them out better.

Good luck in the future, and continue to write. That's the big secret.

 

[tickledkitty]

I read the office one, and I didn't think it was bad. I thought it was actually kind of funny.

I do agree with comments that others have made about long paragraphs, grammar, punctuation, lack of plot, etc...you need an editor.

You do this weird thing--capitalizing words in the middle of a sentence. I understand that you're trying to stress those words, but that makes it hard to read and rather confusing. How about italicizing them instead? You don't want to over do that though. Your internal dialogue should be italicized as well.

 

[coreman2200]

Where normally I would cower in shame because I'm normally not accustomed to accepting the truth, I do think it's time to grow up and make an exception. I thank you all for your honest commentary, and I can definitely see where you all are coming from. The paragraphs are entirely too long, and I'll work on them in future work.. I just didn't really want to break things up within topics or sections. The grammatical/punctuation errors, for the most part, anyway, were intentional and were meant to express more how this character thinks - Fast, blurty, and imprecise. I didn't like at all how my dialog went though. So I'll work on that.

Thanks again, everyone. Knowing that everyone sees the same issues makes it hard to ignore them.

 

[tickledkitty]

None of this was meant in a mean or sarcastic way, although I'm sure it sometimes seems that way when it's aimed at you.

I think you can express how your character thinks without doing weird things grammatically.

The paragraph thing was tough for me too, but you'll catch on. It may seem that you're breaking things up too much as you write, but the reader won't see it that way. Remember, reading something online is a little different from reading it on paper. Long paragraphs are hard on the eyes, and you don't want to give the reader another reason to back click.

So, do you see how I broke this up in to separate paragraphs? Even though the whole thing was about your last post, each little idea gets its own paragraph.

 

[_Lynn_]

I don't comment on a story intending it in a mean or personal way. I try to point out things that I have been taught and that will help that person to write a better piece next time.

As for the fast, blurty and imprecise...you can find ways to express that by using correct grammar that will make your story flow much better for the reader and still get your point across. It just may take a while to learn all of them.

I look at it like this...Lit has some awesome people that are willing to share ideas and help us improve. They are fantastic Authors. Take it as a learning tool like I do.

Good luck with your writing.