hey everybody!

[Sexy Bi Chick]

Hey all,

I finally got my first story posted and it can be found here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=93473

Would love some feedback, it's non consent story and i'll admit, it's a bit raw but it was just a sample of what I can write. I will be posting more stories asap and expect a wide range of topics from lesbian to non consent to adultery. Those are probly my fave stories to read so I will take a shot at writing some myself and see how they stack up. Hope to hear from ya'll soon! Thanks!

 

[silversword]

I don't usually read non-consent stories, just a personal thing.

Though as a first time post its good. Like you admit its raw but it works, the scene is raw so why not write in the same style. There's a plot aswell, which I think is must for any story.

Congrats on your first post.

Silver

 

[Chicklet]

Hey there,

Okay, I'm going to be brutal. Unlike silversword up there I am a big fan of nonconsent stories, writing and reading, so I have no problem going through yours = )

Overall, your story isn't bad, just raw. There are a few tips I'll give you for your future stories in general: your story was like a play for play description of a sex scene. What you need is to add some fun stuff, some creativity. Instead of having every sentance be "he did this, she reacted" make it interesting to the reader. "He grabbed her, his fingers clenching her arm, giving her no choice but surrender to his lips..."

I can tell you have a good imagination, so use it to give the characters a little more background than the first paragraph in your story. Write an argument for them, or write a sex-scene gone wrong that could give the reader the idea of a sexually frustrated Dan who just doesn't get what he wants from Elise.

Spelling, and consitancy in spelling, are very important. All through the story you go from "fuckin" to "fuccin" - I would advise you to make it "fuckin'" with the apostraphy there, and leave it at that. A good way to check yourself on this is to use spell check, which would probably frown on both the words, but have it ignore "fuckin'" so you could check where you've switched.

Tag lines are a big pet peeve of mine, everyone uses them, everyone needs to cut down. He said, she said, he said, she said. They aren't necessary every line. Once you've established who's saying what, forget them for a couple lines, then bring them back. Good rule of thumb is to keep them out for the most part, read through the story again, and if it doesn't make sense to you, add some back in.

***

Her and Dan had been fighting for quite some time...

This isn't correct. The her ought to be she. A good rule for this, if you're ever unsure, is to say the sentance without the second person. Read to yourself "her had been fighting for quite some time" - if it doesn't make sense that way, then you need to change the word.

***

As she walked in the door, she said,"Hi Dan, how was ur day?"

I think that the majority of people, especially authors, dislike the use of u and ur in anything: emails, chats, posts, and especially stories. It's lazy, imho, and if you're taking the time to write the story in the first place, you should take the time to make it right.

***

...he just walked over to her and grabbed her viciously and with passion and hatred combined.

Too many and's - use commas, or better yet, expand the sentance into something more descriptive. "He grabbed her viciously, his lips curling into a snarl as he pulled her face close to his. With pent up passion in his voice he hissed, 'I've wanted to take this from you for a long time.' Elise shuddered, the hatred seeping from him was almost tangible."

***

Dan was in control and he made that very clear.

You don't need to tell the reader this - if the reader can't tell from the story that Dan's in control, then they don't deserve to read the story. Use your words and your creativity to let the fact be known.

***

Mmmm", she moaned softly...

"What? Are you fuckin enjoying it bitch?", Dan asked angrily.

"Mmmmph", she whimpered as he slam fucked her tight cunt.

Comma's in conversation need to happen before the quotation marks. "I mean, really," she scoffed. "Oh, now I get it!" he smiled. If you're going to use an exclaimation point, or a question mark, you don't need the comma at all. "This wouldn't be the way, would it?", she asked tentatively. "No, but you'll get it soon!" he smiled.

***

You might use an editor, you might just try making a few changes in the future. Either way I suggest going with drafts, doing at least one rough and going from there. You'd be surprised what good printing a story out and going over it by yourself can do. If you need more help, never hesitate to ask on lit, and good luck. I'll be watching for stories from you in the future = )

-Chicklet

 

[Sexy Bi Chick]

Chicklet, thank you for your feedback. Constructive criticism is always welcome and it really motivates me to become a better writer. I appreciate all the positive feedback that I have received as well but we all need a little kick in the ass sometimes to let us know that there is room for improvement. There were certainly plenty of grammatical errors that were present in my debut story and it was admittedly raw but I compare it to a NBA Rookie who is just so anxious to play that he just runs up and down the court and tries to slam it everytime. LOL I am certainly a better writer than I have displayed so far and I plan on exhibiting that in the very near future.

I definitely do appreciate every single comment that you made Chicklet and I will take it all to heart and continue to improve as an erotic story writer. This field is something new to me, I've always taken pride in my ability to write essays and stories in the collegiate realm but erotic stories online are a very exciting and fresh arena for me to rediscover my passion for writing. Expect much more polished and creative writing in future works.

I would love to hear some ideas about what your favorite kind of stories are and also what are your favorite fantasies. And thank you for your honesty, I look forward to hearing from you often.

To everyone else who has given me feedback, thanks again and as long as time allows, I shall continue to work towards writing more exciting and stimulating stories soon!

Love, Sarah

 

[KillerFurby09]

well, i guess we know who the smart person was in English class in school j/p

 

[Sexy Bi Chick]

Ok i got bored and posted a reply to my own thread. I am woman hear me roar! MEOW!

 

[The Matrix]

Pretty good story Sexy, although as you already knew, syntax errors here and there and you could have polished it up a bit. Brief but effective for the most part, just needs more detail and fine tuning to take it to that next level.

Lookin forward to more of your work in the near future. Be on the lookout for my upcoming stories too. PEACE and LOVE!

0--Matrix--0